


Suffer, and Be Glad

by staycoolstaykind



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, Blasphemous AU, M/M, Masturbation, Monsters, Religious Conflict, Religious Fanaticism, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Self-Flagellation, Side Dojen, Side Hyuckil, Slow Burn, Violence, mentions of abuse, side yutae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-01-27 00:27:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 123,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21383074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/staycoolstaykind/pseuds/staycoolstaykind
Summary: It's been twenty-two years since the birth of Jung Jaehyun, fifth of the Living Gods. Twenty-two years since he was set in the arms of the old, blind Mother Superior, twenty-two years since his perfect grace and beauty restored her sight.Constantly covered by a veil and walking in utter silence he is never seen, never heard, never touched. Only his loyal cavalier is allowed past his walls, only the church can dictate how he spends his time. Jaehyun is obedient. Dutiful. Grateful to his people.Trapped.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 813
Kudos: 1036





	1. The Living God

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my labour of love! This fic is inspired by the game Blasphemous, if you want to go down a rabbit hole of lore and beautiful, violent imagery please check it out. While the religion practiced in this fic is NOT Christianity it his heavily (and obviously) inspired by Catholicism, so if that's your particular religion and you're highly protective of it you might want to scoot. New notes and warnings will be added as chapters are posted.
> 
> I'd love to hear feedback as we go! I'm not going to lie, the more enthusiasm something gets the faster I write, so let's MAKE THIS HAPPEN TOGETHER.
> 
> As always, a huge huge thanks to my [beautiful wife](https://twitter.com/prittleceebs) for encouraging me and reading over my stuff to make sure it's not shit. She's also been very patient as I watch a lot of lore videos. LOVE YOU CEEBS.

The soft sound of Jaehyun’s steps across cold stone floors drifted gently through the halls of the cathedral, disturbing the silence of the morning despite the gentleness with which he stepped. He’d slept in again. For someone with little to do but wander the twisting walls and pathways of the holy building he always seemed to be running behind, as if he ever had anywhere else to be. 

Somewhere in the distance people were singing, their voices hazy and soft but the melody familiar. He could tell by the tune of the hymnal that he was later than he thought. He couldn’t be late again, it would be the third time this week. Father Pious would forgive him, just as he always did, but Father Humble had a cruel eye and a keen love of punishment. He would not be so benevolent.

With a small huff of breath Jaehyun sped up, breaking into a run as he followed the twisting pathways, speeding down the dimly lit corridors until he broke through the darkness and entered the vestibule just outside of the sanctuary. Great stained glass windows lit the room in patterns of swirling colour, dancing across the floors and glimmering in the morning sun.

The song was nearly finished. He was just in time.

“I thought I was going to have to put on your veil and hunch down a bit to convince them I was you again,” a voice said to his left. Jaehyun turned to see the Cavalier standing with his palms resting on the hilt of his sword, an amused glint in his eye.

Jaehyun offered a crooked smile, chest heaving a bit as he tried to catch his breath. “I still can’t believe that worked,” he responded. “Part of me suspects Father Humble knew, but with no proof he couldn’t punish us for it.” He plucked his veil from where he’d tucked it into his belt, smoothing the gauzy fabric against his thigh before laying it over his head. 

The fabric was simple. It was nothing more than a draping of cream coloured voile that hid his features from view, hanging down to his chest so that if anyone were to grasp at it he would have time to react and cover himself with his hands. Over it, around his head, he slid a circlet of thin gold to hold it in place. 

Father Diligence reminded him often that the people were not to see his face, were _never_ to look upon the Holy Visage of the Living God. It might drive them mad, he said passionately, clapping his wrinkled old hands before him in an attempt to keep them from shaking. And so Jaehyun dutifully covered himself any time he was to be seen in public, lest he harm anyone with his celestial countenance.

Through his now clouded vision Jaehyun looked to the Cavalier, whose eyes scanned the silent room as if someone might jump out at any moment. That was his usual state of being, always on his guard, always at the ready. His eyes, dark and serious, never seemed to stop moving. His lips were always pushed into a thoughtful pout. 

“You weren’t at breakfast,” Jaehyun pointed out, hoping he didn’t sound petulant. “Have you not eaten?”

The Cavalier smiled, shrugging one shoulder. “I was paying my weekly penance,” he said, eyes never turning in Jaehyun’s direction. They rarely did. He was always too busy looking for danger, looking for anything that might compromise Jaehyun’s safety.

“So you haven’t eaten?”

“I’ll eat at supper,” the Cavalier said as if he weren’t bothered. Looking closer Jaehyun could see that his movements were stiff, his stance rigid. His penance must have been great that morning. “Don’t look at me like that,” he added, lips twisting into a smirk. “I am honoured to prove my devotion to The Divine, and I’ll be able to eat in a few hours. Stop sulking.”

“What if The Divine wished your devotion to be a proper meal?” Jaehyun muttered, eyebrows knit. He knew it was almost time. They would call for him soon. He moved to stand in front of the great wooden doors that led into the sanctuary, painted a deep red and finished with polished golden handles, so heavy that it took two men to move each door. 

“Then The Divine can bring me some porridge from the kitchens next time,” the Cavalier murmured from close behind.

Jaehyun took a deep breath, heart fluttering in his chest. He could never quite say why, but every time he stepped into mass it felt like the first time. He never got used to the eyes following his every move. “Stay near?”

The Cavalier stepped closer, ever a comforting presence just over Jaehyun’s shoulder. “Always.”

-

It was said that two great things happened on the day of Jaehyun’s birth.

The first was that a chasm opened up in the ground, a vast, gaping pit just south of the Holy City of Ardent that rent the land in two. Out of the pit came a host of terrible creatures, hideous monsters with large, grotesque bodies and great horrible mouths filled with gnashing teeth, sometimes with wings, sometimes with wicked claws that twisted from bony hands. They were bastardizations of the Holy Word, their sharp teeth and hissing tongues speaking of darkness and malice and anger, reminding the people of their sin, how far they had strayed from sanctity.

The church moved quickly to assure the people of their blame. “They were sent as a test!” the old men wailed, hands clenched together in supplication to a god long since dead. The cardinals and bishops swore they were manifestations of the guilt of the people, sent to warn man of his own misdeeds. To turn him back to the church, to remind him that even with no god sitting on the Rosewood Throne they must still keep Heaven in their hearts. 

The second occurrence happened in a small nunnery tucked in a dark corner of Ardent. 

The Holy Sisters of the Miraculous Vision hovered around a young woman as she gave birth, her cries echoing around the small room they’d prepared for her. She was young. Far too young to be with child, but the world was not a perfect one and the sisters knew that well. They did their best to comfort the girl through a complicated birth, dabbing her forehead with a cool cloth, rubbing liniments on her hands and feet and whispering words of encouragement as she pushed.

Despite their best efforts, the girl did not survive childbirth. What did survive, though, was the Living God.

He came into the world without a cry. From the moment of his birth he examined everything with curious eyes, far too wise for one so new, calm and contemplative and full of forgiveness. When they put the wrapped child in the arms of the old, blind Mother Superior so tender was his blessing, so rich his mercy, that her sight was immediately restored.

And thus was the first miracle of Jaehyun of the Benevolent Sight, fifth of the Living Gods. 

The church rejoiced at the birth of a new god. It had been so long since Heaven had deemed them worthy of a messiah, nearly a hundred years since divine feet walked the earth. They immediately brought the child to the cathedral to be raised in safety, bestowing on him the gift of education, raising him to be a comfort to the masses. And in the twenty-two years since the people daily rejoiced in the opportunity to stand in his silent presence, listening intently as the cardinals spoke of his miraculous love. No one outside of a chosen few had ever seen his face, or heard his voice for themselves. It was forbidden, lest his perfect beauty and grace drive them mad. 

In the twenty-two years since, Jaehyun hadn’t gone insane from his life of silence and solitude. That, he thought, must be his second miracle.

-

The Rosewood Throne was not particularly comfortable. The wood was cold and rigid underneath him, the arms carefully carved to represent twisted vines covered in thorns. It was just slightly higher than it ought to be for him to sit comfortably; the gods that came before him must have been taller, for his feet just barely touched the ground. Jaehyun supposed it was an act of gratitude to his people that he must sit on it three times a week for hours at a time, gaze held forward and back straight as Father Temperance preached the homily of the day. 

On that particular day, as all others, he spoke of sin.

“And on that morning so long ago the ground opened up before us, belching great clouds of black smoke and spewing forth our guilt made flesh to walk among us with the bodies of beasts,” he wheezed, voice thin and reedy. If not for the cavernous ceilings of the sanctuary providing an echo Jaehyun doubted anyone would be able to hear him, so weak had his voice become over the years. 

Temperance preached on. “Beasts that wore the faces of men, that spoke with men’s voices but walked on an animal’s legs. Beasts with great leathery wings and wicked claws. Beasts that preached malevolence, that would punish us for our sins rather than let us atone for them.”

Jaehyun had never seen the monsters that walked the land beyond the city. The walls surrounding Ardent were too high and the guard too skilled, no creatures had ever made it past their defences. He wondered what life must be like for those outside of Ardent, the ones who did not have the same protections to rely on. The Cavalier had seen them. He spoke very little of the creatures he’d fought during his years of training, tight lipped despite how Jaehyun had pleaded, saying only that they were the true manifestation of evil and that The Divine would do well to turn his mind from such thoughts.

He could be so boring sometimes.

As the cardinal droned on Jaehyun let his eyes wander, though he was careful to keep his body stiff and straight and his face directed forward at all times. If he strained his eyes to the left he could just make out the pulpit at which the cardinal of the day spoke, raised a few feet off the ground to make it easier for the entire congregation to see. It made sense; many of the priests were getting on in years and did not command the same attention they once did, they often needed help to address the masses. 

Jaehyun looked forward, into the swarms of people filling the nave of the church. Pews stretched out before him, four columns separated by aisles laid with lush red carpets. The middle aisle was the one he himself walked when he came in during mass every morning, every head in the room whipping around to watch his silent pilgrimage from the main doors leading from the vestibule to the Rosewood Throne. On either side of the seating area there were great stone walls decorated with beautiful windows that matched the ones in the foyer, depicting lush images of the living gods at various stages of their lives.

There wasn’t one for Jaehyun yet. Tradition dictated that it would go up after his death. He often wondered what story it might tell.

“But on that same day Heaven bestowed upon us a gift. For in a humble convent a baby was born, and that baby was The Living God.”

Temperance made a grand gesture with his hand, motioning to Jaehyun’s shrouded figure sitting still and silent before them. A few faces followed the motion, but most had no need. They had already spent the length of the service staring, eyes wide and mouths agape in wonder as they puzzled over who Jaehyun might be under the veil, what their benevolent god might truly look like. That sat in awed silence, enthralled by him, enraptured. Sometimes they would weep, hands reaching out as if he might reach back and grasp them, grant his blessing. He didn’t. He wasn’t allowed to touch anyone. No one was allowed to touch him.

Sometimes their rapture was overwhelming. Occasionally they rushed forward, try to approach him, only to be turned away. The lucky ones met the firm hand of the Cavalier, who tried to be gentle as he turned them back to the pews. The unfortunate ones were dragged off by the Holy Guard. Jaehyun had no idea where those poor penitents were taken. He was afraid to ask.

“A gift from Heaven. A baby with the grace and power to restore the sight of a devoted old woman, bestowing gifts not five minutes after the moment of his birth. And since then his mercy has been far-reaching, his forgiveness unending. The doors of Heaven were shut and barred until he threw them open, arms wide and love merciful.”

Somewhere in the congregation a woman started weeping, her sobs loud and shrill. Sure enough her cries started a chain reaction, the room soon filled with a chorus of wails that echoed around the sanctuary. Jaehyun grit his teeth and tried to ignore the noise. 

“Penitents!” Temperance called, lifting his skinny old arms high, fingers spread wide as if he were trying to wrap the entire congregation within his embrace. “The Living God hears your cries, he sees your desire to be made clean! I tell you this, he is the one true path to salvation! Through your weekly penitence and your devotion to the church you sanctify yourselves and are made clean!”

Jaehyun’s eyes flickered over to the Cavalier, standing stock-still at Jaehyun’s right hand. He didn’t return Jaehyun’s gaze - he wouldn’t dare in a room of hundreds, when anyone could have a knife hidden up their sleeve ready to draw blood. Still, Jaehyun wondered what he felt during times such as these, where the noise was almost impossible to bear.

He ought to feel guilty. It was his duty to be grateful. He was getting tired of the headaches, though.

It took some time for the cries and pleas to die down. Temperance’s arms were once more held out, this time slowly lowering his palms as if to physically abate the sound filling the room. Finally it was silent and he continued his sermon.

“You are loved by your benevolent god,” he said, a warm smile on his wrinkled old face. “And some day, you will be forgiven. Remember to read your nightly devotions and to wear your scars of contrition with pride, and your sins will be cast away. Now.” He clapped his hands together, bowing slightly. “Leave your gifts of atonement at the feet of His Grace and go about your daily toils. Bodies that are wearied by hard work do not have the stamina to sin.”

There was a crick starting to form somewhere in Jaehyun’s neck. He longed to stretch out, to move his muscles to try and work it loose, but he knew the punishment for such childish fidgeting. He took a deep breath and tried to focus on other things. The book he’d begun reading the night before. What they might be having for supper later. How he might badger the Cavalier into telling him more about the cities outside of Ardent.

As his mind wandered the congregation began to line up before him, a long path of men and women that stretched from a few feet in front of him all the way to the back of the nave, wrapping to the left and around the pews. One by one the supplicants stepped forward, laying their weekly offerings at his feet. 

Often their gifts were food, whatever they could spare without their family going hungry for it. Occasionally artisans would leave tokens made by their own hands; small carvings, ornate pieces of jewelry. The lucky ones, the ones who lived comfortably in stone houses at the centre of the city, left gold coins that sparkled in the light that streamed in through the windows.

“You’ll be out soon.”

Jaehyun jumped, pulled from his revery. The Cavalier had become quite adept at talking without moving his lips very much at all, projecting in a way that ensured only Jaehyun could hear him. While Jaehyun dare not speak back he was grateful for the entertainment. Something to do with his mind other than awkwardly stare as people placed gifts at his feet.

“I think I’m going to sneak into the kitchen after mass and nick something to tide me over until dinner. I’ll grab you one of those honey biscuits.”

Jaehyun had to press his lips together tightly to keep from laughing. He did dearly love the sweet biscuits the cooks made on occasion, though they seemed to bake them more and more now that they knew Jaehyun so enjoyed them. 

This is how they often passed their time. Jaehyun sat, a living statue for people to admire, the Cavalier always his companion, always at his service. 

Jaehyun prayed that his guardian might stay forever at his side. He prayed to the gods that came before, to the ones that may come after, that he might never be truly alone. 

-

The end of mass signified the beginning of Jaehyun’s period of silence and study, hours spent in the massive church library reading about the old gods as he reflected on his duty to his people. From there he was allowed into the courtyard for exercise, the Cavalier always at his side, hands resting on his rapier hilt as Jaehyun took turn after turn around the garden. After that they ate supper before going to the small chapel in the south wing for evening prayer, and then on to bed. 

Jaehyun followed the Cavalier up through the winding staircases of the old building, the stone steps chilly under his bare feet. Even with the veil obscuring his face Jaehyun walked confidently, so well versed was he in the path that led to his bedroom that he didn’t need sight to find his way. He spent most of his free time there. When there were no benevolences to perform and no blessings to bestow he kept to his only private place, either alone or in comfortable silence with his constant guardian, the only spot in the Cathedral where the cardinals did not insert themselves.

He knew he shouldn’t think such things about the men of service. They were devoted to him. They had given up their secular lives to serve their god and his people, overseeing the safety of the city, tending to their souls.

But they could be right bastards sometimes.

As soon as they crossed the threshold to his bedroom Jaehyun shut the door, carefully sliding the lock into place. With practiced movements he used the candle in his hand to light more around the room, casting everything in a soft golden glow. 

“Alright,” he said, ripping the veil from his face as he turned to face the Cavalier. “Let me see it.”

His guardian had the audacity to look confused. “See what?” He unlaced the leather bracers wrapped around his forearms, setting them carefully away. He never wore much protection, relying more on strength and skill to protect himself from blows. Just the bracers, a leather chest piece and the rapier at his side. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t be foolish,” Jaehyun said with a huff of breath. “You’ve been limping about all day. Let me see your back.”

The Cavalier waved his hand dismissively, walking to the window to open the shutters. Jaehyun’s bedroom was high in a tower that overlooked the church gardens, no surrounding buildings making it necessary to the curtains drawn at all times. Jaehyun could properly enjoy the fresh air, and the Cavalier was always eager to let him.

“My penitence was the usual. There’s nothing special to see,” he said, though the careful way he moved about the room belied the truth of his words. “Go to bed. You have blessings tomorrow.”

There were times where Jaehyun wondered what the whole point of being a god among men was when no one listened to a word you said. It happened often. He’d ask a question only to be quieted by the cardinals, make a request only to be reminded that he ought to be spending his time in quiet reflection. It was starting to get old.

He drew up to his full height—paltry, next to the Cavalier—and folded his arms. “If your wounds are that bad then we—I—can’t risk them becoming infected and killing you. As the Divine I _order you_ to let me see.”

The Cavalier turned, a stunned look on his handsome features. It was the first time Jaehyun had ever seen him looked surprised. It made the candlelight sparkle in his eyes, dark and curious, as he stared at Jaehyun in silence.

And then he started laughing.

“You looked like an angry kitten just then, holy word,” he laughed, shaking his head. He was still chuckling as he turned to grab his sleep clothes, tucking them under his arm and heading for the privacy screen in the corner. 

Jaehyun tried his hardest not to stamp his foot. “I’m serious. Please? Just let me look, and I promise if it doesn’t look any worse then last week I’ll leave it alone and let you go to sleep.” He fell silent for a moment, looking at the ground as he swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Please? I hate to think of you in pain.”

The Cavalier stopped just before he moved behind the screen, shoulders falling a bit. He sighed, turning around. “Fine. Only so you’ll stop fussing.”

Jaehyun brightened at his acquiescence. “Good. Thank you. Sit on the bed and I’ll just...I’ll just have a look.”

Not that Jaehyun knew what he was looking for. He’d never really seen any wounds other than his own, and his only knowledge of healing came from the books he read in the library when everything else bored him. There had never been any practical application. Especially since he wasn’t allowed to touch anyone.

It was a church decree. Passed down from the mouths of the cardinals, enforced through steel with brutal efficiency any time someone had the audacity to try and touch the Divine. Even as a child it was forbidden. The nuns who raised him wore gloves at all times, as did anyone brought in to tend to wounds or care for his illnesses. The Cavalier always wore his own thin leather gloves, any time he had to touch Jaehyun to intercede between he and the masses it was never skin on skin. 

Other than when his mother brought him into the world, Jaehyun had never felt the warm flesh of another person.

He watched as the Cavalier sighed, moving to the bed and sitting on the edge of Jaehyun’s mattress. After a moment’s pause he gripped the bottom of his shirt, pulling it off and casting it to the side.

Jaehyun’s breath caught in his throat. He was no stranger to blood, of course not. He paid his own penances weekly, the lash in Father Humble’s hand meant to remind him of the suffering of his people and open his heart to their prayers. He’d had his share of falls as a child, lived through plenty of split lips and bloody noses when he was still curious and wild, climbing in and out of the church pews when there was no one in the sanctuary to stop him. He’d even seen a man killed once, the unforgiving arrow of a city guardsman piercing his heart as the foolish supplicant rushed for Jaehyun in the middle of the city square.

For some reason none of that startled him like this did. The Cavalier’s back, broad and muscular, was decorated with brutal looking strokes that decorated his tan skin from the tops of his shoulders all the way to his trim waist. Most were an angry red, though some were a vicious looking purple that made Jaehyun’s eyes water. His own penance was never so bad.

“What horrible sins have you committed?” he asked softly, crawling across the bed to kneel behind the Cavalier, so close that Jaehyun could feel the heat from his skin. “What could you have done to deserve this?”

“Nothing more than usual,” came the steady response. The Cavalier spoke calmly, though there was a tension in his shoulders that Jaehyun had never seen. “The problem is that I don’t cry out the way they want. They strike harder and harder, hoping I’ll break.”

Jaehyun’s breath caught in his throat. “And...do you? Do you break?”

The Cavalier looked over his shoulder, something dark and unreadable in his eyes. “Never.”

The response sent a shiver down Jaehyun’s spine, a curious thing that made his mouth go dry. He sat on his knees, posture stiff, palms placed carefully on top of his thighs. His fingers itched to touch. He was _curious_, dreadfully, dangerously curious at what it might feel like to have someone’s skin against his own. And once the thought lodged itself in his brain he couldn’t shake it loose, no matter how he tried.

“I think...I think I need to clean these,” he said, carefully crawling off of the bed and walking to the basin where they cleaned up at the end of each day. He lifted the cloth meant for his face, dunking it in water and carrying it back to the bed. “It might be cold,” he said, hoping the Cavalier didn’t hear the way his voice trembled. “Are you ready?”

“Jaehyun,” was the response that met him, the Cavalier’s voice low. “What are you doing?”

Jaehyun wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t stop. “I’m. I’m fixing your back,” he said, hoping he sounded just as firm. “Now hold still.”

At first he was careful to only let the cloth touch the Cavalier’s back, dabbing gently at the places where skin hard torn and dragged blood along the surface of his flesh. He was gentle despite the way his hand trembled, careful to not cause pain, to not truly touch.

He had to break the silence.

“What’s your name?” he asked, heart beating a funny sort of rhythm in his chest. “I’ve known you for nineteen years and I’ve never...never even thought to ask, which seems awfully wicked of me. You’ve only ever been my guardian. Will you tell me your name?”

The Cavalier made a small noise of confusion, the muscles of his back rigid as he tried to keep still. “What do you mean?”

Jaehyun stopped, frowning. “What do you mean, what do I mean?”

“I haven’t got a name.” He said it as casually as he said anything else, as if Jaehyun had asked him what he thought the weather might be like tomorrow. 

“How could you possibly not have a name?” Jaehyun asked breathlessly. “Everyone’s got a name.”

“I haven’t.” 

The disinterested way the Cavalier spoke about it caused a strange sort of distress to fill Jaehyun, eyebrows knit and lips pursed together as he considered this. “But they must have - your mother and father, they must have…”

“Jaehyun.” The Cavalier spoke firmly, breaking him out of his confusion. “I was raised to be of service to the church. My parents didn’t know how yet, my role wasn’t decided on until you were born, but they knew I would be a devotion.” He paused for a moment before continuing. “They didn’t have money to offer the church as a tithe, and barely enough food to feed themselves let alone a baby. The kindest option for everyone was to give me away.”

He spoke so calmly of it, as if he had no real attachment to his past. No anger at being given up. That was fine, Jaehyun had enough rage for the both of them.

“And the church never thought to name you?” he asked, jaw clenched tight around his anger. “They never...never treated you as a person?”

“I’m not a person,” the Cavalier said with a shrug. “I’m a tool. I’m your tool. My existence centres around you and your safety, there’s no point in giving a hammer a name, is there?”

“You’re not a hammer,” Jaehyun said passionately. “You’re not a thing. You’re a person. You’re...you’re my friend, and I won’t have you nameless as if you don’t exist.” He put down the cloth, struck by a boldness that moved him without and deeper thought, any consideration over what he may be about to do. With a deep breath he lifted his palm, placing it flat on the Cavalier’s back, flush against his skin. He was careful to mind his wounds, settling his fingers just on either side of his neck where no lash marks marred his skin. 

Immediately the Cavalier sat up, rigid as if he were staring some great danger in the face. “What are you doing?” he asked, voice high, panicked. “You’re not—you’re not supposed to—”

“If they won’t give you a name then I will,” Jaehyun said, words firm. “You’re mine, aren’t you? Then you’re mine to call as I wish.” He closed his eyes, letting the warmth of the Cavalier’s skin spread through him, from the tips of his fingers through his palm and to his wrist. The barest moment of human touch and Jaehyun was already drunk on it, dizzied by the way it made him feel. 

The moment felt important. He had to take his time.

Jaehyun spent a few minutes dwelling on it; the idea of being nameless, of being raised as a tool rather than a person. He had never thought much about how his guard had come into his position. It must have been odd, to be given over as a child, to have your agency taken away at such a young age. The Cavalier was never given a choice as to what he would be. His position at Jaehyun’s side was ordained from the moment of Jaehyun’s birth, when the cardinals began to comb the land for the perfect companion for the Living God. 

As the Cavalier sat trembling under his touch Jaehyun thought back on everything he’d ever read, all the stories he’d ever been told. He remembered the ones that delighted him most as a child, the tales he begged the nuns who raised him to tell again and again. 

“John,” he said suddenly, the name springing from his mouth unbidden. “Your name is John.” He smiled softly to himself, stroking his fingers lightly over warm, firm flesh. “But to me you’ll be Johnny, because you are my dearest companion.”

The Cavalier—Johnny—stood quickly, so quickly that Jaehyun withdrew his hand as if he’d been scalded.

“Go to bed,” Johnny said, voice cold. “You’ve had a long day and it’s making you foolish.” He kept his back to Jaehyun, grabbing his sleeping shirt and pulling it over his head. It was clear that he was making a point not to look over as he laid on his normal spot on the floor, a thin rug that did little to provide him protection from the chill of the stones under his back. 

Jaehyun stared in shock as Johnny threw the closest thing he’d ever seen to a temper tantrum, folding his arms over his chest and staring up at the ceiling. That, at least, wasn’t strange. He’d been trained from a young age to sleep with his eyes open lest danger strike in the night. Jaehyun watched until he saw Johnny’s breathing even out, chest rising and falling slowly, the only real indicator that he’d fallen asleep.

With a sigh Jaehyun rose from the bed, moving around to snuff the candles and casting the room in darkness. He changed into his sleeping clothes, climbing into his own lush bed and pulling his blanket over his chest. He didn’t know why wanting to name Johnny had upset his companion so. He felt properly guilty over it, the distress knotting in his chest and making it hard to swallow. 

It was some time before he was able to fall asleep. Just before he did, the fog of unconsciousness plucking at his mind like fingers plucking at harp strings, he heard a soft, deep voice whisper softly below him.

“John. Johnny.”

Jaehyun smiled softly to himself and let sleep pull him under.


	2. The Cavalier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning:
> 
> Please be aware that this chapter contains explicit physical and emotional abuse.

Jaehyun was three years old the first time he sat on the Rosewood Throne. He looked comically small in such an austere seat, his brown eyes wide and cheeks round and fat with infancy as he stared up at the nun who had placed him there. He made it an astounding fourteen seconds before he reached out to her, grasping with his little hands and chirping, “nanny?” again and again in an attempt to be picked back up. 

“No, little grace,” Sister Clarity chuckled, smoothing down his hair with gloved hands. “You must sit, my love. This will be your place from this moment on and you must learn to keep it.”

The child would accept no such reasoning. He tried to hop down, immediately letting out a shrill whine when he was immediately set back in place. In a moment of frustration he let his tiny hands grab onto the arms of the throne, shrieking when the thorns pressed into his tender young skin. His whining turned into ugly wails that bounced off of the ceiling and echoed back, face turning pink, nose dripping.

“Oh, little thing,” Sister Clarity sighed. She looked back and forth, checking for onlookers before scooping him into her arms. “I know, it is not an easy path to walk. But you will learn to walk it, and you will be the kindest, gentlest soul the world has ever been blessed to know. But for now we all must suffer a bit, musn’t we?”

“He only cries because he knows you will spoil him so.”

Sister Clarity jumped at the stern voice ringing through the sanctuary, immediately putting Jaehyun back on the throne. She turned, offering a bow to the two men walking down the aisle to the altar. “Father Humble. Father Diligence. I apologize, the Divine was wounded by the chair and I wanted to check for blood.”

Humble frowned at the excuse, a look of disdain on his face as Jaehyun whimpered and tried to hide behind the nun. Diligence, however, smiled.

“His life will be one of wounds and suffering,” he said, hands clasped behind his back. “He must learn now to handle it with grace, to respond with the stillness of Heaven.”

Sister Clarity nodded, thought it was clear from her fidgeting that she struggled to ignore the toddler as he cried softly behind her. “May I clean his face, fathers?”

“Please do,” Humble said, raising an eyebrow at the child. “How are his lessons? He’s walking well? He does not seem to speak much, I wonder if we should introduce more...traditional methods of encouragement.”

“He walks and speaks well,” the nun said quickly, eyes wide. “I assure you Father, he is ahead of most children his age in his development. He is wonderful and kind, just a bit shy. Sometimes the fathers of the church frighten him, I think it’s the robes. They look so very official.”

Both Diligence and Humble studied her in silence as she scooped Jaehyun from the throne, cooing and whispering endearments as she drew a handkerchief from her pocket and cleaned him up. Soon his cries died down and he was left clinging to the front of her habit, his eyes wide as he looked at the cardinals.

“Nanny, nanny, wanna go,” he sniffled, cheeks blotchy and pink.

Sister Clarity sighed, stroking his hair away from his eyes. “Now now, don’t fuss,” she soothed. “You must be patient at all times. You must do as you are told and speak when spoken to, little grace.”

“None must hear the holy voice, other than those trained in the tending to of the Divine,” Diligence said calmly. “You must only speak when you are safe amongst your keepers, or in the confines of your bedroom.” He looked up at Clarity. “You’ll be bringing him along to the gardens. The boy has arrived.”

Clarity looked surprised at this, hugging Jaehyun a bit tighter. “Already? I thought he wouldn’t be sent for until his grace was at least five.”

“There was a change in plans,” Humble said, no warmth in his voice. “He has shown a remarkable maturity for one so young, and he has responded well to all lessons and training. It has been decided that, to build trust, he will be given to the Divine earlier than previously anticipated.”

Jaehyun heard little of their conversation as they spoke. The affairs of grownups were often so very boring, it was much more interesting to play with the prayer beads around Sister Clarity's neck. As he was carried from the sanctuary he touched them with his little fingers, watching the way the lights from the windows danced in their reflection. He only looked up when they walked into the garden, eyes lighting up as he assumed he was taken here to play.

"Oh yes! Down please! Nanny please, pu'me down!"

"Hush," Humble hissed. "Boy. Come here."

Jaehyun was distracted by his strong desire to complain by the three strangers approaching from the far side of the garden. Two were dressed the same as all the other grownups he saw walking by at the church, wearing heavy plated armour with hoods drawn over their heads. The other was a boy, barely older than him.

Jaehyun gasped, waving his chubby arm. "Hi! Hiiii! Hi!"

The boy looked at him, dark eyes curious. "That's...that's god?' he asked softly, head tilted slightly down, gazing at Jaehyun from under his lashes. He seemed almost wary of the fact, as if the Sister and the Fathers might be playing some sort of trick on him.

"It is," Sister Clarity said with a soft smile. “He is young still, learning how to be what he truly is, but this is indeed the Divine.”

Diligence glanced to Humble, who gave a small nod. "We will leave you to oversee their bonding," he said with a beatific smile. "See that his grace learns to trust the boy, it will be imperative to his protection later. We must know that they can rely fully on each other without forming too strong of an emotional attachment."

Sister Clarity looked confused by the instructions but nodded anyway. "Yes, father. Thank you, father." She watched as the men left them to return indoors, sighing. "The strangest things..."

"Nanny," Jaehyun said firmly, tugging at her prayer beads.

"Oh! I'm sorry little grace, you must be very curious." She turned back to the strange boy, kneeling as she set Jaehyun on his feet before him. "Be gentle with him," she told the boy with a kind smile. "He's not the best at walking just yet, so he can be quite clumsy." It was an admission, the opposite of what she told the cardinals, but it was important that the boy learn to be gentle.

The boy looked at her shrewdly before his eyes rested on Jaehyun. "Hello, your grace."

Jaehyun giggled, toddling over before crashing to his the ground not a foot before the boy. The boy immediately shot a panicked look to Sister Clarity, who simply gave him a wider smile and a small, indulgent nod. Somewhat comforted by the permission the boy knelt, taking Jaehyun's hands with his own before helping him clumsily to his feet.

"Hello, your grace," he said shyly. "I'm your cav—" He looked to Sister Clarity, who mouthed the word to him silently. "Right. I'm your ca-vuh-leer."

-

Jaehyun was twelve years old the first time the Cavalier saved his life.

It happened during mass. Most of the morning went on as it always did, a long, boring liturgy followed by a line of people waiting to leave offerings at his feet. Jaehyun knew he ought to be grateful for the gifts, but something ugly in his heart reminded him that they weren't his to be grateful for. He didn't need piles of gold and jewelry, didn't need all of the food better suited for the city's growing children, but he knew that the church didn't either. It was a curious thing that they whisked it all away after every mass, never to be seen again.

He felt angry. Sullen. Diligence said this was normal for a boy of his age and that the feelings would pass. Temperance said he ought to work on his scriptures, perhaps others would be able to use his feelings some day to contend with their own. Humble merely gave him a threatening glare, looking down his nose with little interesting in the feelings of a child.

Jaehyun tried to stay still as the line crept forward. To his right the Cavalier stood stock still, his bony fourteen-year-old body odd and out of place standing before the congregation. Jaehyun wondered if the gods before had felt this way. Did Heechul resent the church as he sat in the stiff and unyielding Rosewood Throne? Did Yeeun ever long to climb the church walls and escape?

It was hard, but Jaehyun managed to hold back the sigh that had filled the space in his chest. Instead he let out a slow, quiet breath, closing his eyes and trying to stay calm.

The moment he did so all hell broke loose.

There was a loud cry from not far in front of him. Jaehyun opened his eyes to see a hollow looking man with a face of intense rage running towards him from the front of the line, a knife held high as he rushed forward. So sudden was the attack that he even slipped by the Cavalier, making it just to the foot of the Rosewood Throne, swinging the knife towards Jaehyun's throat.

Jaehyun have never contended with the thought of death. _This must have been a mistake on my part_, he thought dully as the tip of the knife nicked his skin.

Suddenly the man was yanked back, the Cavalier taking a firm hold by his hair and using it to toss him to the floor, closer to the front of the line and farther away from Jaehyun's trembling body. The moment the man's back hit the ground the Cavalier had his rapier out, sliding through the air in a neat arc, slashing the man's throat. A thick red spurt of blood danced from the wound. It covered the front of the Cavalier, splattered across the unfortunate penitents standing too close, even landed across Jaehyun's bare feet.

It was warm. Jaehyun had never considered how warm blood would be. He wanted to scream but managed to keep himself quiet, eyes wide behind the veil.

Things happened very quickly from there. The church guards swooped in, rushing the congregation out of the cathedral and barring the doors. The Cavalier took Jaehyun by the arm, yanking him out of the throne and pulling him behind it. With Jaehyun's arm still tight in his grip he moved the heavy tapestry hanging on the wall, revealing a door Jaehyun had never seen before.

"Where does that—"

"Hush," the Cavalier said with an authority not suited to the pitch of his voice, opening the door and pulling Jaehyun inside. It was dark, pitch black, but that didn't seem to deter the Cavalier as he continued to pull Jaehyun along. "Don't be frightened. I'll keep you safe."

Jaehyun searched his heart for the truth before speaking. "I'm not frightened," he admitted, panting as he followed closely along. "I'm with you." It shocked him that he meant it. As frightening as things had been in the moment, he knew that the Cavalier would do anything to keep him safe.

The Cavalier squeezed Jaehyun's arm gently before continuing through the darkness, pulling Jaehyun to safety. After a series of twists and turns they came to another door, which the Cavalier pulled open with a soft grunt. Still, no light shone through. Jaehyun was just about to ask where they were when Johnny pushed something forward, a heavy clatter revealing the hallway leading to their quarters.

"Come. Mind the painting," the Cavalier said, still holding Jaehyun's hand as he led him through the opening. Jaehyun did as told, watching as the Cavalier quickly restored Father Honesty the Wise to the wall. Once the painting was back in place they continued their journey, up to their bedroom, the door locked securely behind them.

"Why did that man want to kill me?" Jaehyun asked, eyes wide. He looked to his feet, stomach turning as blood started to dry and oxidize against his skin. "What have I ever done?"

The Cavalier stood facing the door, rapier still held tight in his hand. It was clear from his posture that we was ready to strike at any moment, almost challenging another attacker to come through the door. "He's one of the Profane."

"The what?"

"The Profane," the Cavalier repeated. "They're a sect from out beyond the city walls who defy the notion of a living god. They resent the church and every so many years do whatever they can to disrupt the church's power over the city. The living god’s influence over the people."

Jaehyun was stunned. In all of his reading he had never come across the term "The Profane," had never known there was an entire group of people who wanted him dead. How could they not tell him? Didn't he have the right to know what he was facing in the world?

"Have they...tried anything before? With any of the other gods?"

"All the time," the Cavalier said, eyes still focused. "There were sixty-three different attempts on Kim Jongdae alone. Father Diligence says they liked to make themselves known quite often when you were small. For a while they moved you to live with the nuns of the convent so no one quite knew where you were."

"Well," Jaehyun said, voice shaking. "That's fun, I suppose. There's a group of cultists out there who have already tried to murder me and no one ever told me. Wonderful. Wonder when they'll actually win and kill me for good." His voice was bitter, thick with the uncontrolled emotions of a teenager put in a vulnerable position.

Suddenly the Cavalier was before him, gripping Jaehyun's shoulders and holding him tight. "Never," he said firmly, voice breaking in a way it often did these days as the pitch of it tried to burrow deeper into his throat. "Do you understand? I'll never let them touch you. I swear it."

Jaehyun had never heard someone speak with such conviction in his entire life.

-

Jaehyun was sixteen years old the first time was made to take penance.

He hadn’t meant to drift off during mass, he was just so weary. The previous night had been a night of little rest, his sleep plagued by violent nightmares and restlessness. Long before sunrise he had given up on any chance of peace and had instead decided to spend the night reading by the window, the crisp winter air drifting in to cool his heated skin. Moonlight danced lightly into the room to provide just enough light that he wouldn’t need a candle. The book felt heavy and comforting in his lap, the weight reminding him that he was awake and his dreams couldn’t haunt him here. With a soft sigh he placed his finger on the page, trailing it under each word as he read.

It wasn’t long until a voice broke through his silent study.

“You’re awake. You ought to be resting.”

Jaehyun looked up from his armchair, just able to make out the Cavalier’s head poking over the side of his bed through the darkness. He offered a small smile. “No, I couldn’t sleep. My dreams were troublesome tonight.”

Rising from his thin rug, the Cavalier walked across the room to sit instead at Jaehyun’s feet. “Prophecies?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. It was not often that he pressed Jaehyun to speak of his holiness and wisdom, but every now and then curiosity would get the better of him. The moments made Jaehyun feel warm. He liked when his guardian let him see moments of humanity.

“I don’t think so. I haven’t seen anything truly telling in quite some time, I don’t think.” Jaehyun frowned, looking out the window. “I don’t think, at least. Often the fathers tell me my dreams have deeper meanings, meanings that they say I am too young to understand. So perhaps there is a message to be had that I can’t yet grasp.”

His companion hummed, dark eyes thoughtful. “Perhaps you could tell me of them,” he offered. “Maybe I’ll see something you can’t.”

Jaehyun considered this, idly stroking his fingers over the open page now left half-read. There couldn’t be any harm in it, certainly. The Cavalier may not have been given the lessons of the clergy but he lived in such close proximity to them that he must understand some things. Beyond that, he was the closest thing Jaehyun had to a friend.

“Alright,” Jaehyun said softly, placing the pressed flower that he used as a bookmark. It was a snowdrop, delicate and white, brought back as a gift from the Cavalier after he’d been away training beyond the city walls. The Cavalier said they bloomed in the snow, pretty little things that blossomed under cold and unloving conditions. Jaehyun could remember how he had flushed at the knowledge, for reasons he couldn’t yet understand.

“I dreamt I was standing in the garden, looking at a door in the distance,” he said softly, once more turning his head to look out the window. Past the courtyard, past the walls that protected the church—and Jaehyun—from onlookers, he could see a sea of houses clustered together. The streets of Ardent were tightly packed, no space left unused. “Behind the door there was light, and I wanted to see where it came from. But as I moved to look hands began to reach out of the ground, grabbing at my ankles and trying to hold me back.”

The Cavalier huffed a breath. “Hand? Human hands?”

The question gave Jaehyun pause. He forgot that the Cavalier had fought the monsters beyond the city walls, had seen creatures in no way human. “I...believe so,” he said slowly. “I couldn’t see what they were attached to. They looked human, though grotesque. Bony and pale and sickly. As if they belonged to the dead.”

“It sounds frightening.”

“It was,” Jaehyun murmured. “I tried pulling away, but they gripped tight. I called out to you and you came, swinging your sword to cut them away, but every time you freed me from one, two more would rise in its place.”

The Cavalier looked surprised, posture becoming straighter. “You dreamt of me?”

“I dream of you often,” Jaehyun said, confused by his reaction. “You are a permanent fixture in my life. Some days you’re the only other person I see. Why wouldn’t I?”

“I’m just surprised, is all,” the Cavalier said, ducking his head down. At eighteen he could well and truly be called a man now, his shoulders broad and jaw sharp. As was tradition any time a city guard came of age his shoulder length hair had been cut into something shorter. He looked like a new person, though his gentle teasing and easy way of speaking were as familiar as ever.

“You’re foolish,” Jaehyun teased. He himself certainly didn’t feel like a man, his cheeks still round and his gentle black waves falling past his eyes. Every day he wore the same white linen pants, the same white linen tunic, the same veil meant to keep his features hidden. How was he to know if he had grown or not? He didn’t have access to mirrors, the only reflection he ever saw was thin and vague in the chapel windows. “Well? What is your scholarly assessment of my visions?”

The Cavalier hummed, rubbing his hand over the shadow of a beard hidden just under olive skin. He made a great show of thinking it over, even at one point closing his eyes and repeating the details of the dream to himself. FInally he looked back at Jaehyun, expression grave.

“I think you’ve been nicking wine from the larders before bed, and it’s making your head go all strange.”

Jaehyun squawked at that, lifting the book from his lap as if to throw it. The Cavalier laughed and fell onto his back, covering his face with his hands.

“I can’t believe you thought that I, of all people, might know. I’m just a sword your grace. Leave the thinking to those meant for it,” the Cavalier said with a grin, pushing himself up with his palms flat against the floor. “And go back to bed, you’ll be sorry tomorrow when you can’t stay awake during mass.”

He was right.

Jaehyun tried his best, he really did. Unable to move to pinch himself he resorted to pushing his hands slowly against the twisted thorns of the throne, hoping the pain would clear his mind and keep him awake. Unfortunately the pain failed him, and before he knew it a foot was nudging harshly at his own.

“Having a bit of a nap?” Humble drawled, hands clasped in his robe. As Jaehyun jolted awake Humble looked at him with disdain, peering down the bridge of his nose. “You are lucky you sleep with a particular stillness, none on the congregation would have known how you disrespected their prayers.”

“The people come to you with open hearts,” Temperance said as he made his way slowly down from the pulpit, voice withered and thin. “That you might turn away from their supplication is a sign of great disrespect, my child.”

Jaehyun blanched at that, hands clasping together to fidget restlessly in his lap. “No, I promise fathers, I take every single prayer seriously,” he stammered. He could see the Cavalier just beyond Humble, looking at him with narrow eyes. “I...I was plagued with nightmares last night, I didn’t sleep well, I really, truly tried—”

“Enough excuses,” Humble snapped. “Come along, we have business to attend to.”

Jaehyun looked to the Cavalier, who gave the barest shrug of his shoulders as Jaehyun stood and followed Humble. Instead of leaving through the large red doors as they usually would they walked instead to the smaller ones just behind the pulpit, doors that led to a tiny antechamber with little more in it than a prayer bench, a heavy looking wardrobe and a few candles. There were no windows to let in light, the walls decorated instead with paintings of the old gods.

Heechul of the Midnight Sun. Jongdae of the Glowing Sea. Byeongkwan of the Dancing Sky. Yeeun of the Shaken Earth.

Jaehyun looked around slowly, taking in the austerity of the little room. He’d seen the inside a few times in passing, but he himself had never been within. It was meant for penitence for the higher ranking members of the church, and as Jaehyun never had to pay penitence so he never had need to enter.

“Father?” he said softly, trying not to tremble. “Why are we here?”

Humble ignored him, instead moving to the wardrobe and pulling open the solid wooden doors. Jaehyun’s heart fell to his feet. Within he could see a host of vicious looking tools, whips and floggers and thick iron cuffs that dangled from hooks on the wall. Humble looked over the selection before selecting a thin wooden cane, shutting the wardrobe behind him.

At the entrance to the chamber the Cavalier was growing agitated, shifting his weight from foot to foot. “Father Humble, his grace has yet to eat today. I need to take him to the kitchens to—”

“Kneel on the floor, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun swallowed hard, cheeks burning hot. “What?”

“Kneel on the floor,” Humble repeated. “I will not ask you a second time.”

Jaehyun looked to the Cavalier, whose jaw was clenched so tightly that Jaehyun could see the muscles in his neck tensing and shifting. He didn’t understand. What was happening? Why was the Cavalier so upset? Still, he knew better than to keep Humble waiting. Jaehyun slowly lowered himself to the ground, kneeling there as told. The stones were cold through the thin fabric of his pants, harsh against his bony knees.

Humble began to walk around him in a slow circle, rhythmically tapping the cane against his palm. “We’ve been far too easy on you all these years,” he hummed, voice low and smooth. “We’ve let you become complacent. Lazy. You sit on a throne, the world coming to your feet while you do nothing more than wait. You can’t even bother to spare a thought to your devotees.”

“It’s not true,” Jaehyun argued weakly, looking to the ground. “I swear, Father. It was a mistake. I l-love my people, I am grateful to them—”

“You will speak when spoken to,” Humble shouted suddenly, the sound echoing around the room. Jaehyun jumped, trying to make himself smaller.

“I’m sorry, father,” he whispered meekly.

A long silence followed as Humble continued to circle him, like a vulture wheeling through the sky in search of pray. Jaehyun desperately wished that the Cavalier was within view, a comforting presence in all of this confusion.

“It’s time you began taking your own penance,” Humble said finally, stopping to stand before Jaehyun. He set his hand, soft and cold, to Jaehyun’s chin to lift his face. Jaehyun’s eyes were wide and frightened as he met his stare. “I positioned the idea from the start, but the rest of the church is far too soft. Far too swayed by a pretty face. But that ends today. You’ll feel the pain of the masses, and with each blow you’ll think on your duty to them. Am I understood?”

Heavy steps moved towards them as the Cavalier approached from behind. “You will not touch the Divine,” the Cavalier growled, and once again Jaehyun was stunned as he spoke with the low voice of a man and not the boy he once was. He wanted to crawl on his hands and knees to hide behind him, to take shelter in his strength.

Instead he sat where ordered. Jaehyun knew how this would end.

Humble turned to the Cavalier, a bemused smile on his face. “There are implements worse than a cane in that cabinet,” he said, voice dripping with contempt. “Would you wish me to use one of those instead?”

The thought sent a chill through Jaehyun’s veins. He turned to the Cavalier, managing a smile that did little to hide the way his stomach twisted into tight knots. “Please. It’ll be alright. Father Humble is right I...I deserve this. I ought to be more thoughtful.” The Cavalier didn’t seem swayed by his assurances, though he did manage a step back. He stayed in Jaehyun’s periphery though, a comforting presence in the corner of his eye. That was a small mercy, at least.

Humble moved as well, standing just to Jaehyun’s right. He held the cane in his left, tapping it a few times against the ground. “One word,” he said to the Cavalier, “and I’ll add another ten strokes.”

With that he brought the thin rod whistling through the air, landing harshly against the soles of Jaehyun’s feet.

Jaehyun knew that he ought to stay silent, that this was his punishment for disrespecting his people. Still, he couldn’t help the sharp yelp that fell from his lips, or the way his palms slapped against the floor as he fell forward. The hot sting of impact lanced through the soles of his feet and up to his knees, making his teeth clatter together.

“Sit up,” Humble said coldly. “Be still. Think on your transgressions.”

There were tears of shame prickling in Jaehyun’s eyes as he forced himself to his knees, muscles tight and trembling. He settled and tried to breathe.

The next three lashes were spaced out over the soles of Jaehyun’s feet, and though they hurt just as much as the first he was able to keep himself kneeling upright. Out of the corner of his eye he could still see the Cavalier hovering, desperate to come to his aid. That, at the very least, provided him a small scrap of comfort.

As Humble continued to strike he thought of the penance the Cavalier paid weekly, just like the rest of the country. It was mandated. Every seven days after mass the people of Ardent and the walls beyond would return to their homes, tithes left at the feet of the living god or in whatever small church they worshipped at, and pay their own penance. Jaehyun knew from his guardian’s stories that punishments varied depending on the guilt each repentant felt. Some, who walked a holier path, wore the lightest marks on their backs to signify their minor sins. Some, like the Cavalier, often felt so full of shame that their marks were carried with them well into their next punishment.

“What crimes could you commit to leave you feeling so heavy with them?” Jaehyun had whispered one night, watching the Cavalier toss and turn on the ground in an attempt to find a comfortable position to lay in. He would not say. He never said.

Another blow from the cane brought Jaehyun's mind crashing back to reality. The blows were starting to land on top of each other, the pain in his feet intense as he struggled to stay upright. He knew Humble. The man felt no sympathy, any begging or other such sign of weakness would simply make him angrier. So Jaehyun did his best to stay still, to dwell on his misdeeds.

He sat through another five blows. Another ten. Again and again the whistle of the cane slicing through the air interrupted the quiet of the antechamber, though it was soon followed by Jaehyun's ragged breathing. At the twenty-third blow he couldn't take anymore, a sob tearing itself from his throat as he leaned forward, pressing his forehead to the ground as tears fell heavily from his eyes.

"Please," he all but wailed, fingers scrabbling at the stone. "Please, no more! I'm sorry, it won't happen again, I'm sorry..."

There was a blessed pause as Humble withdrew, panting lightly. He was not as old as many of the fathers, and certainly not as thin and frail. Instead he was tall but quite sturdy, his hair a dark deep brown with gray starting to streak itself through the temple. His brow was stern above blue eyes, so uncaring that they seemed like chips of ice.

"I suppose you've learned your lesson," he said. He moved to tuck the cane back in its place, bringing his right hand up to massage the left. "Take him to his room and clean him up. I expect that this will not be a problem again."

Jaehyun was still weeping as Humble swept out of the room, the wooden door creaking behind him. The pain was unimaginable. He had so little context or conditioning to handle such brutality, his only real brushes with injury were the times he stumbled down the stairs and turned his ankle, or when he tried to climb the tree in the garden and fell, only to land on his wrist. The sprain had healed quickly enough.

But this...this was so much more than physical discomfort. Jaehyun was ashamed.

He hated the Cavalier seeing him like this, crying on the ground like a frightened child. He hated how his nose ran and his eyes felt puffy, the way his body was curled in on itself as he tried to ease the tension in his muscles. Hated seeming weak, especially in front of someone so strong. Let it be anyone else. Let it be the entire congregation who saw him torn down before them, made small and human. He would have all the eyes of Ardent see him beaten before he had to bare it before his protector.

With a soft whine Jaehyun let himself fall to the side, back to the Cavalier.

Silence fell over them as Jaehyun's weeping subsided. His singular focus on his own pain was finally broken as footsteps approached him, the heavy step of the Cavalier. Jaehyun felt him kneel, felt a gloved hand lay on his arm. It was so rare to be touched outside of being tended to by the physician that the gesture drew a small noise from high in his throat.

"Don't turn away from me," the Cavalier said softly, guiding Jaehyun to his back. When Jaehyun forced himself to look there was desperate concern in his eyes, their gazes locked together. "I'll let you hide from anyone else, but never from me."

Jaehyun hiccuped a small sob, nodding.

"Alright," the Cavalier sighed. "Let's get you to your room so I can tend to your feet. Put your arm around my shoulders."

It felt a bit dangerous to wind his arm around the Cavalier's neck like this, but Jaehyun did as told. Immediately he was lifting from the ground, one arm under his knees and another wrapped around his back.

"What...you don't have to do this," Jaehyun sniffled. "I can walk!"

The Cavalier rolled his eyes. "I almost put you down just to prove that you can't, but I think even that is a bad idea. Be still. I won't see you in anymore pain."

His response sent a small thrill of something through Jaehyun, though he did his best to pointedly ignore it. Instead he took the contact for the small miracle it was, letting his head drop to the Cavalier's shoulders as they made their way into the winding halls of the cathedral, heading towards the staircase that would bring them to their room. Their pace was a quick one, Jaehyun assumed that was to avoid running into anyone on their way back to privacy. To hide that, even fully clothed with no skin touching, the Cavalier was carrying the living god so intimately.

"It aches," Jaehyun said miserably. His feet were throbbing, an intense heat licking at his skin. "Is this what you go through every week?"

The Cavalier didn't answer for quite some time. First he got them safely to the bedroom, resting Jaehyun gently on the bed. He immediately went to fetch water and a cloth, bringing it along as he moved to sit at Jaehyun's feet.

"It is," he said finally. "What I go through, that is. It doesn't hurt as much after the first few times though, you learn to focus on your guilt and your sin and it turns the pain into something else."

"Into what?" Jaehyun asked, trying not to complain or draw away as the Cavalier began to clean the bottom of his feet.

"Into forgiveness.”

That was a curious thing. The Cavalier was almost always with Jaehyun, only leaving on occasion to train beyond the wall and keep his skills sharp. Jaehyun couldn't imagine what trouble he could possible get into on those short trips away. Without thinking of the rudeness of it he blurted out, "What could you possibly need forgiveness for?"

The Cavalier paused his ministrations, looking up with a small smile. "Don't you already know, your grace? You are the receiver of our prayers, after all."

Jaehyun huffed a small breath. "You know that's not how it works. I can't see inside your head, people need the chance to prove their own heart through their actions. I'm just...just a conduit, I suppose. Father Temperance says I filter the prayers of the weary to Heaven, and it's through my mortal flesh that they are allowed to be holy after they die."

"I know the lessons," the Cavalier said softly. "I just don't understand, I suppose. You are our hope. Our connection to divinity and forgiveness. How..." He looked down to Jaehyun's feet, sighing. "How can they do this to you?"

"The duty of the church is to remind me of my responsibility to the people," Jaehyun said immediately, as if reading the words verbatim from a book. "If that means using pain to discourage poor behaviour then so be it."

The Cavalier looked up to meet his eyes. "Do you really believe that?"

"Of course I do," Jaehyun said quietly.

The Cavalier nodded. "Then it must be true." The words might, to someone else, sound like sarcasm, but Jaehyun knew his constant companion. He could hear the sincerity in his voice, see the steadiness in his hands. When the living god spoke the Cavalier believed him.

After his feet were cleansed the Cavalier used a small brush to apply ointment to the skin, finishing with fresh linen bandages that he left to retrieve from the infirmary. "There," he said softly, grabbing Jaehyun's blanket and draping it over him. "Rest. I'm sure that once this...incident makes it to the rest of the clergy they'll be incensed, it won't happen again."

It was decided a few days later that Jaehyun would take weekly penance, just like his people. Pain to remind him of his connection to them, pain to keep his heart open to their pleas. In the years since he'd grown quite used to the lash.

-

Jaehyun was nineteen years old the day he realized he had fallen in love with the Cavalier.

There was nothing extraordinary about the day. There had been no attempts on Jaehyun's life to sweep him off his feet, nothing out of the usual day’s activities that made him address his feelings in any particular way. It was nothing more than a sunny day that they spent together in the gardens, taking their breakfast in the sunshine.

There was only one day a week the church didn't hold either a mass or some grand parade through the city. One day that Jaehyun had no duties or responsibilities, where his time was his own to spend as he wished. Often he would pass the day reading in the libraries, the Cavalier gazing out the window with a look of intense boredom on his face. Today, though, they had decided to take in the fresh air together, munching on apples as they talked about nothing in particular.

"I don't think I've ever been stung by a bee," Jaehyun said to the Cavalier's wide eyed gasp. "It's not like we have a apiary on church grounds, and if I see them among the flowers I mind my own business. I've never had the opportunity."

"Never had a bee sting," the Cavalier mused. "I mean, I knew you were sheltered, but this goes beyond what even I could have imagined."

Jaehyun laughed, though it was tinged with sadness. "You're not wrong. The paths I walk never change, I think I'd let myself be stung by a thousand bees if it meant I could leave the cathedral."

A silence fell as the Cavalier watched him, eyes thoughtful. "I would show you the world if I could," he said softly, tilting his head to the side. “Even if I had to cut down a thousand foul monsters to do it.”

And that was it. Jaehyun gazed over, grateful that the veil covered the look of shock on his face. His heart did something funny and a little bit painful in his chest, and suddenly he knew that he would spend the rest of his days longing for the Cavalier with his entire heart.

Jaehyun buried the feeling as deeply as he could. With any luck at all he would never think on it again.


	3. The High Cost of Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: this chapters deals with Silencing, one of the church's awful practices. It's heavy, but have faith in Jaehyun.

“Wake up, your grace.”

Jaehyun was having the loveliest dream. He was standing outside as snow fell lightly around him, the flakes gently kissing his skin before melting away. There was a sword in his hand but he was in no danger. Not too far away Johnny stood watching him, the snow clinging to his long, dark lashes, dusting his hair with powdery white.

“You must wake up. Your day is full and Humble will be furious if you are not there to line up for procession on time.”

In his dream there was another man standing not far from Jaehyun, watching them with an amused glint in his eye. Though Jaehyun didn’t recognize him his smile was one of the loveliest he’d ever seen, bright and wide with eyes that sparkled and danced. His jaw was square and his long hair was pulled back in a pony tail, his clothing simple and of muted colours. He, too, held a weapon in his hand, this time a bow and arrow, though they rested casually at his side. Jaehun could sense another person nearby but before he could turn and look—

“_Jaehyun_.”

Jaehyun slowly opened his eyes, blinking up at Johnny through the bright light streaming into the bedroom. He groaned, trying to find a comfortable spot on the bare mattress beneath him. “Mm? What is it? I was dreaming.”

Johnny snorted, seemingly uninterested in his plight. He pulled Jaehyun’s blanket back, tossing it aside. “We have procession in one hour. You need to bathe, get dressed, and eat in that short period of time. You’ve no time left for dreaming today.”

He seemed to be in a foul mood but Jaehyun decided to let it go, forcing himself to sit and raising his arms in a grand stretch that had him moaning as he worked his limbs loose. When Johnny rolled his eyes Jaehyun grinned, hopping out of bed and heading behind the privacy screen. Waiting there was a tub filled with hot water. He stripped down, stepping in and beginning to scrub himself clean.

“I never hear them come in with hot water for the bath,” he mused, grabbing the bar of soap floating nearby and scrubbing himself until his skin was pink. The soap smelt of roses, lovely and sweet, the perfume clinging to him as he washed. He worked sudsy water through his hair, sighing happily as the grime of the week came away under handfulls of steaming water.

Johnny grunted from the other side of the screen. “You sleep like the dead. I’ve never seen anyone sleep as heavily as you do.”

Jaehyun hummed, making sure to clean under his fingernails. He so despised dirty fingernails. “I suppose. Father Diligence says I need to learn the benefit of rising with the sun. Though I think that if I haven’t yet, I’m not going to.”

He stepped out of the tub, letting the water drip from his naked skin for a few moments before grabbing the towel left for him. He rubbed it over his hair until it was only slightly damp and particularly fluffy, sticking up at all angles. Once his body was dry he pulled on the usual white linen shirt, the usual white linen pants, before stepping out from behind the screen.

“You’re cross with me today,” he pointed out, hanging the towel over the screen. “Why are you cross with me?”

Johnny eyed him with a look of disbelief. “I’m not cross, I’m in a hurry. At least one person in this room needs to have a sense of urgency. Put your veil on, we need to go.”

Normally Jaehyun would obey, immediately springing into action. Johnny always seemed to know what was best for him. Today, though, the tension between them made him feel raw. As if he didn’t have sturdy ground to stand on. Instead of doing as told he planted himself in the middle of the room, pushing his lips into a small pout.

“Stop it,” Johnny said firmly. “Pouting won’t work. We have places to be.”

Jaehyun held firm, jutting out his lower lip the slightest bit more. They sat like that for some time before Johnny sighed, shoulders sagging. 

“Fine. I’m sorry I was cross, I just don’t want you to be punished for being late again. Now will you please put your veil on so we can go?”

Jaehyun instantly gave his most charming smile before settling the fabric over his head. “Will we still have time for breakfast?”

“We should,” Johnny said, setting his rapier into its hilt before leading Jaehyun into the staircase and down to the main level of the building. “I went ahead to tell them you’d be coming, there should be porridge waiting at the very least.”

“Thank you,” Jaehyun said fondly, trailing close behind. As they walked his mind wandered back to the night just a few days ago, to Johnny’s bare skin under his hand. He longed to reach forward and touch again, to let his fingertips brush over the back of Johnny’s neck, but he kept his hands carefully at his side. “Do you know if we have anywhere to be after procession?”

There was a moment of silence before Johnny stopped, turning to face him. “You’re not going to like it.”

The look on his face was enough to make a lump form in Jaehyun’s throat. There were few duties that he could not grin and bare, few tasks that truly made him uneasy despite the baseline melancholy that seemed to cling to his life. For Johnny to look so grave, voice so dire...

Jaehyun clasped his hands nervously in front of his chest. “No, please don’t say it’s what I think it is,” he practically whimpered, eyes wide behind the veil. A suffocating dread began to fill all the empty spaces within him, the room suddenly feeling terribly cold.

Johnny sighed. It was clear he wanted to reach out and comfort Jaehyun, but he kept his hand carefully over the pommel of his sword. “There is to be a Silencing in the afternoon,” he said slowly. “Immediately after we return from procession.”

Silencings. 

In twenty-two years Jaehyun had never made it through a Silencing without being shaken to his very core. They were violent. Awful. Time after time he would have to wait until the end of the ceremony, wait until the congregants and fathers had all left before letting Johnny support him as he stood from the throne, legs trembling and stomach turning. On days like that he couldn’t seem to support his own weight, limbs too heavy with guilt and horror to move on his own.

“I don’t want to go,” he whispered, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. “Please Johnny, I don’t want to go.”

Johnny looked helpless, hands falling to his sides and fingers twitching slightly within leather gloves. “I know, your grace,” he said, voice just as soft. “I know it pains you. But we have no option. We must respect the wishes of the families and respect the sacrifice of the Saints and show our love to them by being present, at the very least.”

At the very least. Jaehyun managed to put one foot in front of the other, did it again, over and over until they were once more walking towards the dining hall. “Could you imagine?” he said, head spinning as he considered the horrors to come. “Having your tongue cut out?”

Johnny looked away. There was something hidden in his eyes, but he turned his head so quickly that Jaehyun could not find it. “There are worse things, I think, that one could do for love.”

They arrived to the dining hall just in time to eat a quick bowl of porridge and a few handfuls of dried fruits, Jaehyun carefully holding his veil away from his face with each bite so as to continue hiding himself without making a mess of the draping. The hall was full of church guards getting ready to start their patrols for the day, a boisterous group of men and women who chattered and joked and fought until the room was crowded with noise. They never paid much attention to Jaehyun or Johnny. In the beginning recruits might be awed by their presence, might trip over themselves to behave a certain way when in the same room as the Living God, but the wonder wore off quickly. Jaehyun was grateful for it.

“You’re picking at your food,” Johnny pointed out, buttering a piece of bread before taking a hearty bite. “You need to eat.”

“I’m not hungry,” Jaehyun returned weakly. Even though the cooks had snuck honey and bits of apple into his porridge, just the way he liked it, he could barely make himself swallow each bite. It felt heavy, like it stuck to the lining of his stomach, weighing him down.

Johnny sighed, setting the bread back on his plate and leaning forward. “I know you aren’t. I know you’re upset. But if you’re going to be on your feet all day then you need something to give you energy.” He offered a small grin, fluttering his eyelashes. “A few more bites? For me?”

Jaehyun huffed a breath. “I’m not a child, you know,” he said even as he raised another spoonful to his mouth and forced himself to swallow. Johnny smiled triumphantly and Jaehyun dearly wished his face were uncovered so he could stick his tongue out at him.

Processions, though held every week without fail, were a grand affair. After breakfast every member of the church—save for a few guards left behind to patrol the cathedral—came together in a great group to parade about Ardent. It was seen as a way for the Living God to walk amongst his people, to see the world as they saw it and to bestow his graces on their homes and neighbourhoods. The cardinals led the procession, blessing the onlookers and gifting the people of Ardent with their smiles and grace. Jaehyun and his guard always brought up the rear, to give the crowd something to anticipate and make sure they stayed for the whole procession.

It was fairly overwhelming for Jaehyun, who had to kneel on an ornate platform that was carried by a group of sturdy looking attendants. It was the one day a week he got to truly go outside, not just wander the church gardens. Over the years the idea of leaving the cathedral walls had come to terrify him. He felt too exposed.

“What if there’s a Profane in the crowd?” he whispered to Johnny as his pedestal was fetched for, his last opportunity to speak to his companion for the next few hours.

Johnny hummed, seemingly unworried. “You know you’re safe while I’m at your side,” he assured. “You’ll be fine.”

Jaehyun took a shuddering breath and resisted the urge to nod. He watched as the usual bearers brought the platform over, lowering it just off the ground. The two men and one woman that carried him every week were quite large, sturdy and strong and built for manual labour, though it always amazed Jaehyun that they could lift even the platform without tiring. He sighed and shrugged, moving to take his place.

And then a curious thing happened. As Jaehyun went to step up one of the nearby guards offered a hand to support him, and out of pure instinct Jaehyun took it. Jaehyun barely registered the action until his mind landed on the buttery softness of his leather glove, the warmth of his hand underneath. He gasped, eyes going wide.

For the excitement it caused one would think a bomb had gone off. A few of the guards cried out in shock. Two of the bearers dropped their sides of the platform just as Johnny grabbed Jaehyun and yanked him roughly back, tearing his hand from the guard’s and making him realize just what he’d done. The guard was gloved, as they all were, but the mere fact that he reached out had set everyone into a panic. 

As soon as Johnny had Jaehyun tucked safely in the grip of his left arm the right was on his rapier, drawing the thin blade from its hilt and brandishing it at the guard. It glittered menacingly in the light of the vestibule where they gathered, sparkling reds and yellows and blues that reflected off the face of the poor, terrified guard. “You forget your place,” Johnny snarled, eyes flashing with a fire Jaehyun rarely saw. “The Divine is not to be touched, boy.”

The guard, wisely, dropped to one knee in the face of Johnny’s rage. “I swear Ser Cavalier, it was an accident. I moved without thinking, I meant only to be of assistance.” His voice trembled and Jaehyun felt an intense pity for him, though he was trapped by his strict orders not to be heard in crowds. With Johnny’s current state of agitation he didn’t assume his Cavalier would hear him if he whispered. Instead he tugged at the sleeve of Johnny’s shirt, trying to get his attention.

“I ought to cut your hand off, let it be a lesson,” Johnny shot back. “What’s your name, boy?”

“Kunhang,” he said quickly, eyes turned to the floor in an act of submission. He tucked his palms dutifully behind his back, as if patiently waiting for the blow that was sure to come. “Wong Kunhang.”

Jaehyun was baffled by Johnny’s rage. It had been an accident, couldn’t he see that the poor boy was shaking? Jaehyun tried to wiggle out of Johnny’s grasp, but Johnny just held tighter. In response he tried to pinch Johnny’s arm, but Johnny merely ignored him as he continued to stare at the boy with an unfounded anger.

The crowd pressing in around them parted, revealing the captain of the guard making his way over to them. Of all the people in the cathedral the captain was probably the only other person Jaehyun had any sort of camaraderie with. Any time Johnny was sent beyond the city walls Kun would step in as his temporary guardian, though he always chose to post himself outside of Jaehyun’s door at night rather than keeping him any real company within. They’d even shared a few short conversations, which practically made them family when compared to Jaehyun’s interactions with most others. He seemed good. Kind, as far as Jaehyun could tell. Though now he looked anything less than pleased.

“Ser Cavalier,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “Would you kindly stop terrifying my recruit and let him off the ground?”

Johnny’s eyes flickered over to Kun, and then back to Kunhang kneeling before him. It was as if a light suddenly flickered on in his brain. He quickly released Jaehyun, sheathing his weapon and forcing his muscles to relax.

“He...he needs to learn quickly,” Johnny stammered, his usual coolness missing as he was faced with his own tantrum. “Were the cardinals to see—”

“The cardinals did not see,” Kun said calmly. “And new recruits are allowed a certain amount of leeway when making mistakes, don’t you think?” He offered his hand to Kunhang, who eyed him cautiously before accepting the help and rising to his feet. “The Divine is to be treasured. Some might assume that means offering small courtesies as they would with anyone else. He didn’t think.”

Johnny stood in silence, chin raised but eyes lowered. “Very well. Be mindful, boy. Don’t slip again.”

“Ser, I won’t, I swear,” Kunhang said quickly, scrambling to resume his post.

Kun eyed Johnny cautiously, as if deciding whether a wild dog posed any threat to those around it. He stepped close, lowering his voice so only he, Johnny and Jaehyun could hear. “Pull yourself together. We are watched at all times, and it would not do to let passion cloud our judgement.”

Johnny gave a terse nod. Kun returned it before turning on his heel and walking away.

The gathered soldiers studied Jaehyun carefully for a moment. It was miserable, for once he was thankful for the veil and the fact that the surrounding men and women could not see the way his cheeks burned. Blessedly, most of those in service to the church grew bored with Jaehyun’s “otherness” after only a few months of service, so it wasn’t long before they all returned to their posts and their previous conversations.

“Are you alright?”

Jaehyun turned to look at Johnny, furious that he would have the audacity to ask such a thing. “I’m fine. I was always fine. I didn’t need you stepping in to terrify that poor boy and remind me that I’m not one of them.”

Johnny looked stunned, drawing back a step. “What do you mean? Jaehyun it’s my _duty_—”

“And another thing,” Jaehyun said, voice a low whisper so as not to be heard by those nearby. “What does he mean, don’t let passion cloud your judgement? What’s he on about?”

Johnny frowned, opening his mouth to respond, but before he could there was a call from the battalion leader at the front to come to order. Jaehyun shot Johnny a glare he hoped he could feel through the veil before stepping properly onto the platform this time, kneeling in the middle. They’d have a proper conversation about it later, once they were tucked safely in their room for the evening. For now everyone came to attention and the march began.

Processions, in Jaehyun’s opinion, were very much the same as mass. The only real difference was that he was being brought to the congregation rather than the congregation coming to him. The moment the church doors were thrown open and the hot summer air hit his face a nervous energy filled him, and he had to press his palms firmly to his thighs to keep himself still. Especially on that particular morning, being as agitated as he was from such a dramatic altercation not minutes before. 

As always, a group of worshippers already stood in wait as the procession left the church and began to meander down the main street that bisected Ardent into two mismatched pieces. The moment they caught sight of Jaehyun they began to kick up a great din; prayers and supplications and praises layered on top of each other, over and over, until the air was filled with a great cacophonous noise that was almost dizzying. Jaehyun wanted desperately to cover his ears but instead he sat still, silent as always.

Just before his platform he could see Johnny, back straight, hand resting ever on the pommel of his rapier as he walked.

Johnny’s reaction to the guard had been strange. Jaehyun had seen him face danger time and time again with a cool head and a steady hand, to see him become so agitated over something so silly seemed out of place. It was curious. Still, he wasn’t wrong. If the cardinals had seen the guard offer his hand…

It would have been cut off at the wrist, to be sure.

The beginning of the march brought them past the more well-off homes of well-to-do families, the ones that sat in the front pews during mass dressed in elegant finery, who left great sums of money before Jaehyun with smug smiles on their faces. It was clear how the church rewarded them for such offerings. Their houses and businesses were allowed to be built so much closer to the Cathedral, basking in the warm glow of the the church’s favour. 

Jaehyun thought that he might despise them. It was a guilty sort of thought, knowing that they hadn’t done anything truly wrong other than support the church. But the arrogance on their faces, the way they stared and smirked as Jaehyun was carried by, as if he must belong to them, made his stomach turn.

From the main street that led to the city gates they turned left, venturing deeper into Ardent, where money was scarce but true devotion was thick in the air. A ways ahead, past the rows upon rows of guards marching in formation, Jaehyun could hear the cardinals calling out their benevolences to the crowd. As they turned down one of the winding side streets a group of onlookers started singing out one of the more cheerful hymns. Rose petals were tossed in the air, catching on the wind and dancing around the revelers in swirls of pink and white. Jaehyun lifted his eyes to watch them float around him. 

“Your grace! Your grace!”

Jaehyun dragged his eyes down and back to the crowd, seeking out the shrill voice calling out to him. His gaze landed on a small girl held aloft on her father’s shoulders, waving a little scrap of yellow fabric in the air. Jaehyun smiled as he took in her joy. Her red hair burned a bright coppery gold in the sunlight, her freckles obvious even from some distance away. Jaehyun’s eyes traveled down to her father, smiling at her joy, his clothing simple and roughshod other than the bright red peony pinned to his tunic.

Jaehyun’s blood ran cold. Peonies were the marks of the Saints. The bold, joyful little girl’s father was one of the Silenced.

Suddenly the joyful singing sounded discordant and threatening, Jaehyun’s stomach turning as he forced his eyes forward. In a few short hours there would be another Silencing. In a few short hours a handfull of children ranging from ten to fifteen years of age would be presented to the Divine, their tongues cut out as a sign of sacrifice and dedication to the Living God.

“It’s always the poorest families,” Johnny had told him once, passing Jaehyun a glass of water to chase the taste of sick from his mouth. He spent most evenings after a Silencing ill, unable to keep down the food that felt like heavy, burning shae in his stomach. “Which makes sense, with how the Saints are treated after their Silencing. People practically throw gifts at them in the streets to thank them for their sacrifice, as if it’s a choice they made themselves.” Johnny sighs, rubbing his hand over his face. “They’re often given quite a bit of food as gifts, which helps support the family until the Saint is old enough to move out on their own.”

Jaehyun dragged himself away from the bucket he’d been retching into, crawling miserably into his bed. “It’s barbaric,” he whispered. “How could they do this in my name? I hate it.”

“I’ve my suspicions, but none of them are well founded enough to voice out loud,” Johnny mused. “Go to sleep, your grace. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

Jaehyun had wondered in the dozen or so Silencings since then what Johnny’s suspicions were, but he knew how well his Cavalier held on to secrets he did not wish to tell. Besides, he had his own thoughts to form, his own inklings to dwell on. Because Jaehyun of all people knew that the church liked people silent.

By now the procession was moving into Low Town, the poorer areas of Ardent far from the glittering tower on a hill that was the Cathedral. Jaehyun’s gaze swept over the crowded houses, the narrow streets, the way the people here seemed the most joyful and sang the loudest. It warmed him to know that despite the way tithing and taxing ravaged their homes, despite the peonies he saw pinned to more and more shirts as the people had less and less, they were at least happy. 

His eyes flickered to a small building tucked at the end of a filthy looking alleyway, well tended to and clearly loved despite the way the city crumbled and fell apart around it. He saw it once a week on these marches, and once a week the sight of the building made something twist longingly deep within. He longed to run up to that ragged little home, to pound on the doors until he was let in and protected from this life he was forced to lead. To be taken in and to be loved.

Jaehyun sighed, closed his eyes, and waited for the procession to be over. Waited for that entire mess of a day to be over. 

The parade marched on, winding about until it ended up back in front of the Cathedral. A set of guards pulled open the great oaken doors, the ones carved with ornate reliefs of the gods of old, great golden handles glimmering in the sun. The cardinals led the way back inside, followed by the congregants attending the Silencing. Once everyone was seated in their rightful place Jaehyun’s platform was set on the ground right before the doors. He stepped down gently, no hand to hold with which to steady himself, and crossed through the vestibule and into the sanctuary. 

Each step he took down the main aisle and to the Rosewood Throne felt like a step towards his own demise. Immediately Jaehyun chastised himself for such a selfish thought. He was in no danger. Johnny’s presence not three feet behind him saw to that. The only ones in any danger were those poor sacrificial lambs being led to slaughter. Not that they ever died; the church saw to that, was ready with healers and heated blades to cauterize open wounds. A lost life would look poorly on them. But to give up ones voice? Jaehyun shuddered at the thought.

He was barely seated on the throne before Diligence began speaking at the pulpit.

“Today is a day of great sacrifice and great love,” he said, face radiating a fondness that Jaehyun knew did not reach his heart. “Today we honour those that show their devotion to the living god through action, through blood spilt and pain embraced. Today we canonize a blessed few who will kneel before the Divine and offer their lives to him.”

Their lives. He spoke as if the children would be dying. Jaehyun worried that he might be sick before the ceremony this time, instead of his usual illness that overtook him after. He wasn’t sure he was going to make it through this.

“The first Silencing was an act of perfect oblation,” Diligence continued, “an act of protection of the first living god by the first Cavalier. Ardent was locked in a bitter war with the Profane, then a veritable army and not just the skulking group of buzzards that they are now. The city burned. The Divine was well hidden away but his guardian was cornered, his capture iminent.” 

Jaehyun tried to imagine such a thing. Johnny, back to the wall, knowing that the end was near. Bile rose in his throat and he desperately tried to swallow around the bitter taste as it hit the back of his tongue. He was going to vomit in front of the entire congregation.

“Knowing the Profane were drawing near, knowing that he would be tortured for the whereabouts of the Divine, the Cavalier knew he must silence himself so that no information came unbidden from his lips. In an act of bravery he drew his blade, using it to cut his own tongue from his mouth so that he may never speak a word against the one he so loved.”

He so loved. Jaehyun wanted to weep.

Diligence looks over the crowd, eyes warm. “Three new lives are offered today, here to honor that act of defiance and passion. Step forward, children.”

That small pit of dread in Jaehyun’s stomach grew to a great, gaping chasm as the three unlucky souls stepped forward. All were boys this time, all teenagers and all wearing matching expressions of terror. How Jaehyun longed to pull them into his arms, to steal Johnny’s rapier from its place at his hip and wield it in protection of these innocents. He had no training though, no strength in limbs made weak by infrequent meals and a lack of real exercise. How could he possibly help them?

“Now, children. Tell us your names.”

The idea of speaking before a room full of expectant watchers seemed to terrify the children much more then losing their tongues. Jaehyun could barely hear the first two, unable to make out their names. When the third spoke he managed to project a bit more, managing a hoarse “Jisung” before falling silent again.

This Jisung...he looked like a small, frightened animal, like a baby bird not yet ready to be pushed from the nest. Jaehyun’s palms began to sweat as he held tight to the studded arms of the throne, fingers itching to reach out. His mind was racing. 

“Brave children,” Diligence said warmly, holding his arms open towards them. “Today you become the best among us. Today you give up a small piece of yourselves to gain so much more. Do you willingly lay down your lives today in service to the Living God?”

The first boy gave a small nod, though his eyes were filled with tears. The second looked nervously at a sturdy man in the front pew who Jaehyun could only assume was his father. The man gave a stern look, and the boy quickly nodded as well.

Jisung stared openly at Jaehyun, his wide, dark eyes seeming to beg for some sort of escape. Still, he whispered a hoarse “yes.” 

_Jisung,_ Jaehyun thought, heart hammering in his chest. _I will not let this happen to you._

For a few silent minutes a small group of guards and healers prepared for the Silencing. A tray of instruments was lain out on a flimsy looking wooden table set before the row of teenagers, who were made to kneel in preparation. A guard stood behind each, prepared to hold them in place. One tended to squirm when one’s tongue was being removed.

Jaehyun could feel his muscles twitching, the thorns of the throne digging deeper into his palms as he gripped tighter. One or two pierced his skin, blood warming and wetting his palms. He payed the pain no mind. Pain was nothing to him.

“Jaehyun be still,” Johnny warned, voice low. “You cannot make this easier for them, so do not incur punishment upon yourself for your agitation.”

But Jaehyun couldn’t be still. He couldn’t let this happen. And he realized he might be ready to do something completely foolish for it.

A man in a red robe with a hood that obscured his face stood before the boy named Jisung. A guard lifted a knife from the silver tray, a wicked, curved thing that he handed to the hooded figure with reverence. The hooded man put his hand on Jisung’s head, firmly guiding it back. From his position Jaehyun could see that Jisung had begun to cry, thick tears running silently down his cheeks as he tried to be brave.

“Do not be alarmed by screams, or by blood,” Diligence called as a nervous energy ran through the attendants. “For screams are merely our cries of supplication, heard by the Divine and remembered when we earn our Heavenly reward.”

Jaehyun wanted to scream. He wanted to yell back that no, he didn’t appreciate hearing children wailing in pain, and no, he didn’t want this, and to hell with _all_ of you for accepting this. He wanted to fight back. He wanted to _do something._

He saw Jisung blink up at the Silencer, eyes shining with tears that he tried desperately to keep from falling. He saw the boy open his mouth, bottom lip trembling. He saw the Silencer raise his blade.

Jaehyun stood from the Throne.

The gasp that rose from the first few pews was enough to gather everyone’s attention and turn it on himself, from the Silencer to the teenagers to Father Diligence himself, watching wide eyed from his pulpit as Jaehyun took a few shaking steps from the altar. The moment he stood he chastised himself for it. He had no idea where to go from here. How to stop this. He simply stood there, palms bloodied, eyes locked on the three children desperately in need of someone to intervene on their behalf.

A few gentle footsteps from behind told him Johnny was approaching. “Jaehyun,” he whispered, clearly alarmed. “Jaehyun, what’s wrong?”

Jaehyun did the only think he could think of in that moment. He let his body go loose and pretended to faint.

The gasp this time was much louder than the first. Immediately Diligence lifted his voice over the crowd, calling for the guards to drive the congregants out and back to their homes. Jaehyun could barely hear him but he heard him call for the children’s families to take them home, keep them safe until they were sent for later.

Steady arms scooped Jaehyun up, Johnny’s body warm and firm against him as he carried Jaehyun back through the hidden passageway behind the throne. This time they weren’t alone though, he could hear two more sets of feet scrambling after them.

“What’s wrong with him?” Humble asked, the rage in his voice barely concealed. “Does he live?”

“Of course he’s alive,” Johnny shot back, voice trembling. It was a curious thing, he so rarely seemed afraid. “He must have fainted, some...some kind of fit, I don’t know.” His voice lowered, so much more soothing when he spoke next. “It’s alright, your grace,” he whispered. “I’m here, you’ll be alright.”

Jaehyun couldn’t help the small bit of guilt he felt at worrying Johnny, but more than anything he felt triumphant. Proud. He’d done something. He’d stopped the madness.

“To see him step forward during a Silencing,” Diligence panted, clearly struggling to keep up with Johnny’s much longer legs. “What will we tell the congregation? It’s unheard of.”

A door was opened, and Jaehyun could smell the strong herbs and harsh medicines of the infirmary. He knew the room well. He often ended up here after a particularly bad penance, the wounds on his feet and palms treated with liquids that burned so brightly that they brought tears to his eyes. Johnny set him down on a soft bed just as another set of steps rushed over.

“What has happened to his grace?” a nurse asked, voice high with alarm.

“He’s had some sort of fit,” Johnny told her, hovering close by. “He stood from the throne just before a Silencing and stood there for a moment before dropping to the ground.”

Immediately small, gloved hands began to flutter over Jaehyun’s body, pressing here and there, checking for wounds on his head or any sort of fever or chill. “Has he behaved out of sorts at all today? Perhaps some sort of sun sickness from being outside during the procession?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary,” Johnny responded, clearly miserable over feeling so useless. “He seemed well enough, if not a bit solemn. Should we worry, sister?”

The examination continued in silence for a few long minutes. Jaehyun tried desperately to keep still, breathing slow no matter how his heart hammered in his chest. He was disobeying. There was a terror in that, no matter how glad he was to see those children walk out unharmed. Part of him worried that Humble would see through his ruse and punish him dearly for it, or worse, punish Johnny. They seemed to see how it pained him when his Cavalier bore the marks of his misdeeds.

“How was his appetite this morning?” the healer asked. “Did he eat well?”

“He picked at his food,” Johnny answered quickly, eager to be of any help. “He didn’t feel well, said it all felt heavy in his stomach. I had to beg him to take a few bites.”

“That’ll be it, I suppose,” the healer nodded, withdrawing her hands. “I’m sorry to say that there’s nothing to be done but sit and wait, he’ll come to soon enough and then I’ll be able to have a closer look. I suspect that all he needs is a hearty meal, there’s not enough meat on his bones.”

“Very well. We shall oversee his rest until he awakens. Leave us,” Diligence said to the healer, his voice dripping with the careful mask of kindness he’d built himself over the years. “We wish to pray over the boy until he returns to us.”

Immediately Jaehyun could hear the nurse excuse herself from the room, but he could tell by the silence that followed that Johnny must have held tight. It was his duty, after all, to see to Jaehyun’s health and wellbeing, and poor Johnny had no way of knowing that this was all an act. So he stood fast, even at the risk of the fathers’ displeasure.

“I do not wish to leave him,” he said, voice calm and cool. Jaehyun wondered how he spoke to the cardinals so without his voice shaking. “He is my ward, it is my duty to stay near at all times. Especially when he is in such a vulnerable state.”

Jaehyun would have done any penance to see Humble’s face in that moment. He so detested being told no. “You were not asked for your opinion, boy,” he said, voice cold and cruel. “As Cardinals of the Living God our word is law when it comes to his health and keeping. In a moment where prayer might save his life, would you dare stand in our way?”

“With all due respect, father—”

“Now, now,” Diligence cut in, ever the diplomat. “When he rises I’m sure he’ll need something hearty to eat to regain his strength. He’s so fond of those little honey biscuits they make in the kitchens, isn’t he? Why don’t you go round up a few of the cooks and ask them to make a batch for him? I’m sure he’d be delighted.”

It was a clever move, as it allowed Johnny to see after Jaehyun’s health while spoiling him a bit at the same time. There was a beat of silence before Johnny must have acquiesced, for the sharp tap of his footsteps grew farther and farther until the door shut and he was gone.

Immediately Humble and Diligence were hovering at his side. Jaehyun quickly closed his eyes tighter and pretended to be asleep, just in time for one of them to lift his veil to look him over.

“Still out cold,” Humble said, his contempt obvious in his voice as the veil was put back into place. Jaehyun wasn’t shocked by his lack of concern. Of the three cardinals Humble had always detested him openly, never once pretending to hold the smallest modicum of fondness for him. Diligence did a much better job at acting the beloved caretaker, showering Jaehyun with praises in public and at least behaving with a touch of civility in private. Temperance...Jaehyun didn’t see much of Temperance these days, the old man keeping to himself at the twilight of his life. 

“HIs constitution has been...delicate lately,” Diligence said, words careful as he held tight to his facade. “I often inquire after his health, but his guardian says so little. Merely says that Jaehyun is well and that he would see to it were he not.”

A bloom of fondness unfurled inside of Jaehyun like a flower in the spring. Good old Johnny.

Humble scoffed. “His guardian has grown too fond of him. Sometimes I wonder if it might be best to separate them and assign Jaehyun a new Cavalier. I’ve heard his current guard is quite good outside of the walls, dealing with the beasts that roam there. We could always send him out and let nature deal with him for us.”

“Or have him locked in a jail cell somewhere and merely tell the Divine that he was sent to serve elsewhere,” Diligence mused.

Immediately that small blossom within grew cold and died, as if doused in ice water. Jaehyun dearly prayed that he did not show any outward distress at the idea despite the way his heart was beating rabbit-fast in his chest, each breath a struggle as anxiety started to seize his limbs. They wouldn’t dare, would they?

Another bout of silence as Diligence seemed to consider this. “I don’t dislike the idea. His Cavalier strengthens him. The Divine has become too comfortable lately asking questions, voicing his opinion on church doctrine without being asked. Changing things up...it might help us regain a bit of control. Silence his curiosity.”

“It would be risky,” Humble warned. “Worth it, I believe, but a risk. Is it a risk we’re willing to take?”

Diligence merely laughed, an arrogant sound that made Jaehyun want to scream with rage. “We shall position the idea to Temperance. He has a keen eye for how events may come to pass, he’ll be able to help us make the wisest decision.” With a hum he straightened the bedsheet covering Jaehyun, a strange act of domesticity for a heart so hardened. “Come. He’ll be in his study. Let us have our decision made before the week is out.”

Jaehyun listened carefully as they moved away, the heavy door of the infirmary opening and closing with a dull thud. As soon as they were gone he sat up, whipping the veil from his face. He couldn’t breath. His lungs felt like they were filled with lead, every inhalation painfully heavy despite how desperately he tried to draw breath. Hand twisted into a claw he clutched at his chest, as if trying to scratch away whatever weight was pressing down upon him.

He was terrified. It went so far beyond his love for Johnny, the warm affection he felt at having him by his side. Johnny was the only one who understood him. The only one who knew him as he truly was, and not as a figurehead of the church to be carted around from place to place while hiding himself from the world. Who could fill that space? Who could protect him from not only the world, but from his own fears like Johnny could?

The only thing he could think to be grateful for in that moment was that the fathers had been so brazened in speaking over him in such away. He supposed they would never expect Jaehyun to lie, to act out in such a way by choice. The living god was raised to be meek. 

Before Jaehyun knew it hot tears were welling up in his eyes, dripping down his cheeks and onto the pristine white bedsheet that covered him. His tears were silent and his face frozen in a mask of worry, but they fell heavily, one after the other.

By the time Johnny returned, Jaehyun’s shirt was nearly soaked with them.

It took Johnny a few moments to notice Jaehyun’s state of distress. He was too glad to see him “awake,” rushing to his side with a plate of honey biscuits and what appeared to be a few pieces of candied fruit that he must have snuck from who knew where. “You’re up!” he exclaimed, putting the plate down and moving to sit at Jaehyun’s side. “I’ve been worried sick, you were...you’re crying. Jaehyun, why are you crying?”

Jaehyun did not respond right away. He was too busy staring at the far wall in a daze, mind swarming with a thousand different thoughts. What could they do? How could they fight this machine? Tears dripped past his lips and seeped into his mouth, salty on his tongue.

“Jaehyun.” A hand, gloved but so very tender, gently cupped his cheek. Johnny’s thumb swiped over the tears still running from his eyes in rivulets, gathering them and brushing them away. “Jaehyun, look at me. What’s happened?” Without thinking Jaehyun leaned into the touch, eyes closed as Johnny pulled the veil from his face and cast it to the floor. Suddenly that gloved hand was pressed against the bare skin of his cheek. “Jaehyun please,” Johnny begged, eyebrows knit together. “Please, let me help you.”

Slowly, like shaking sleep from tired limbs, Jaehyun forced himself back to the present. There were decisions to be made. Truths to tell.

“You said to me once that you would fight any monster to show me the world,” he said slowly, voice low and careful as he tried to pick out the words that would best convey his desperation without sounding crazed. “What if those monsters were human?”

Johnny frowned, searching Jaehyun’s face for something that might give him clarity. “I have before, I would again. Who’s hurt you, Jaehyun? What do you need?”

Jaehyun finally raised his eyes, letting them meet Johnny’s and holding him there. “I need to leave this place.”

In the years to come he would dwell on this moment, the hushed conversation that would serve as the turning point of his entire life. Johnny’s eyes went wide as he sat up, hand dropping to the mattress, lips parted as he searched for a response. “What...what madness is this, Jaehyun? What are you talking about?”

Jaehyun closed his eyes, shaking his head firmly as tears began to fall once more. “They...they thought I was asleep,” he choked. “The things they said, Johnny. The things they _do_. A room full of children, wailing and bleeding from the mouths in some sick act of penance? I never asked for that.” He looked up, eyes wild. “They do it in my name and I never asked for it, do you understand?”

“What did they say, Jaehyun?” Johnny asked, voice firm. He spoke as if Jaehyun was having some sort of fit, as if he was resisting the urge to shake some sense back into him. “What terrible things could they have said to make you consider something so drastic?”

Jaehyun smiled weakly. “Would you like the truth, or shall I say something pretty and godlike? Something to be written into my testaments, to be read by the masses when I’m dead?” He gave a small, broken laugh, wiping viciously at his tears. “They’re going to take you away from me. Send you somewhere far, somewhere to die. My only friend and I…” He looked away, swallowing hard. “But it’s so much more than that, don’t you see? I think they might put a blade in my back if they could find a way to control the masses without me. And maybe they will. Kill me, find someone of the same height and shape to put the veil over and call Jaehyun. It’s not like anyone would ever know.”

Johnny sat in a stunned silence, clearly trying to take it all in. “You’re speaking madness, Jaehyun. They would never separate us, I was given to you long before...I was trained for this, I…”

“It’s more than that,” Jaehyun said again, passion heating his voice. “The things they do, all in my name! Taking food from the mouths of the people, taking money from their pockets, never to be seen again, and under the pretense that I willed it. I cannot be a part of this anymore, Johnny. I…I want to be free.”

For the first time in their lives, Johnny looked terrified. “You’re ill,” he said weakly, shaking his head. “You’re just not feeling well. Sleep, eat something, your head will clear and then you’ll see how foolish this all is.”

Johnny didn’t understand. He didn’t understand that Jaehyun would wilt and die without him, like a plant left unwatered, hidden from the sun. He didn’t understand that somehow Jaehyun was going to escape this life of solitude. He didn’t understand, but he was going to.

“Johnny.” Jaehyun leaned forward, resting his hand on Johnny’s arm. Johnny flinched but made no move to pull away. “Johnny. Believe me when I tell you that I will either leave, or I will throw myself from the highest window in the cathedral to end this pain.” He was desperate. Begging. “Please. Am I your friend or am I your captive?”

The question transformed Johnny’s face from one of horror to one of desperation. In a moment of raw passion he ripped the glove from his right hand, taking Jaehyun’s and holding it to his heart. “I have lived my life in service to you and only,” he said with honest conviction, his fingers intertwining with Jaehyun’s own. “And I will do so until the day my heart stops. That you could even ask that...”

There was a flutter of hope in Jaehyun’s heart. He held tight to Johnny’s hand, drunk on the roughness of his skin, the fact that Johnny himself was the one to claim this touch. “Then you’ll run with me?”

Johnny took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he exhaled. Slowly, ever so slowly, he moved his ungloved hands to touch Jaehyun’s cheek. “I’ll get you out of here or I’ll die trying.”


	4. With Wings Spread

To Jaehyun’s fear addled mind escape should have been a sudden, spontaneous thing. The moment Johnny agreed to run with him Jaehyun expected a fast dash out the doors of the cathedral, running wildly into the night with the church close on their heels. He expected a fast pursuit by the city guard, and perhaps even a bloody standoff that ended in he and Johnny dying in each other’s arms. It seemed grim to imagine such a thing, but it was the nicest way he could think of dying. Loved. Free.

What he didn’t expect was a great load of sitting around and waiting.

He should have known better. Johnny was far too clever, far too methodical for such random action and fits of passion. The moment Jaehyun was released from the infirmary Johnny led him instead back to their quarters, doing a thorough search of their room and the hallway leading up to it before shutting and locking the door.

“Are we not going?” Jaehyun asked, eyes wide. He was already making a mental list of the few belongings he possessed that he might need to bring along. A few of his books. The pressed snowdrop. Perhaps his veil. What’s more, his hand and cheek still seemed to burn where Johnny touched him, clouding his thoughts and causing him nothing but distraction.

Johnny glanced over at him, frowning. “Now? Of course not.” He took a few urgent steps over to the window, glancing around into the night before closing the shutters. “We have to plan. There are things we’re going to need to acquire.”

“Like what?” Jaehyun asked, frowning. “What could we possibly need?”

The room was quiet, and the hushed tones with which they were speaking only added to the odd sense of urgency. Johnny sat on the edge of the bed, leveling Jaehyun with a stare. “Do you own a pair of shoes?”

Jaehyun paused in his pacing about the room. He looked at Johnny, frowning. Of course he didn’t own a pair of shoes. He was carried everywhere he went, on the rare instances that he left the church grounds.

“I didn’t think so,” Johnny said with a small smirk. “We can’t run wildly into the night, not if we want our chances to be good. If we were to leave now they’d clue in and come after us right away. I’m hoping to give us a head start so we can be far from the city walls before they even realize you’re gone.”

It made sense. Of course it made sense, Johnny was nothing if not sensible. Still, the idea of waiting made Jaehyun sick with nerves. He went back to pacing about the room, brain on fire with all the different ways this could go. Possibilities branched out before him, some with happy endings, most culminating in tragedy. 

Suddenly, quietly, a bare hand wrapped around his arm, tugging gently. Jaehyun’s eyes went wide in his shock as he looked down to where Johnny touched him, fingers large and strong but incredibly tender around Jaehyun’s thin wrist. It was such a new, dangerous thing. Touch. True human interaction. He let his eyes flicker up to Johnny’s, his companion watching him with such raw honestly that Jaehyun’s heart skipped a beat within the cage of his ribs.

“Come,” Johnny said softly, giving another small pull. “Sit with me. We have much to go over.”

Jaehyun felt a small thrill of fear as he moved to sit next to Johnny on the mattress, pressing his sweating palms to his thighs. He couldn’t imagine what Johnny might want to talk about. Had he noticed Jaehyun’s love, simmering just below the surface of his skin at all times? Would Jaehyun have to contend with that, make excuses before they flew together into the night?

“There are things we need to discuss,” Johnny said softly. Jaehyun’s heart climbed into his throat. “Truths that need to be told and understood. Is that alright?”

Jaehyun stared at him with wide eyes, managing the barest nod.

Johnny took a deep breath before speaking again. “There is a very strong chance that, at some point, you will have to go on without me.”

That wasn’t the truth Jaehyun was hoping to hear. His heart crashed down to his chest, face twisting into a sort of horrified confusion. “What on earth do you mean?”

Johnny took a deep breath, looking to where he still held to Jaehyun’s wrist. He ran his thumb gently over the pale skin, so soft and lily-white next to the golden tan of his own. “Even if they suspect that you ran on your own, they will change the narrative to fit whatever suits them. The story will become that I kidnapped you, and they’ll spread that lie far and wide so that they may bring you back alive.”

He looked up, eyes grave. “A time will come that I will have to fight for you, and there is a chance that I’ll die doing it. And when that time comes you must promise me that you’ll run. Do not try and save me. Do not go back to their torments because you think you can’t make it on your own. Run. Survive. And do it for me.”

The silence that fell between them was heavy, and Jaehyun could feel Johnny’s hand trembling where it gripped to him. He frowned, a small flare of anger sparking inside of him. “What? Absolutely not.”

“Jaehyun—”

“No, Johnny,” Jaehyun said, defiant in a way he had never before been. “We aren’t just escaping for my freedom, but for yours as well. If we run, we run together. If we fight, we fight together. And if I die then I’ll die at your side, and at the very least we’ve chosen the way our story will end and I will run happily into death’s embrace.”

Before Johnny could argue Jaehyun adjusted his hand, pulling away slightly only to instead intertwine their fingers. “You are the only friend, the only _family_ I have ever had,” he whispered, eyes shining bright with emotion. “If you think for one moment that I would not take any opportunity to repay you for all the kindness you have done me in our lives…” He looked down, smiling softly. “Then you’re even more of a stubborn idiot than I thought.”

Johnny merely watched him in silence, hand trembling in Jaehyun’s hold. Finally he sighed, nodding. “Very well. I should have known better than to even suggest such a thing to you.”

“You should have,” Jaehyun nodded, feeling a bit lighter as Johnny chose not to fight him over it. “I think we need sleep. It’s been a day of high emotions, and I suspect the next few days will be busy ones.”

“We’ll have to do our best to keep up the pretense of business as usual,” Johnny pointed out, slowly releasing Jaehyun’s fingers from his own. Jaehyun felt empty at the loss. “So they don’t suspect anything.”

“I wear a veil,” Jaehyun pointed out. “That won’t be hard.”

Johnny chuckled, standing to remove his bracers and the belt that kept his sword at his hip. “Mass tomorrow, penance the next day, another day of mass, and then your day off,” he listed as he prepared for bed. “The night of that last mass. That’s when we run. That should give us a day and a half to put distance between ourselves and the Cathedral.”

Hearing Johnny set a solid day for their attempt made Jaehyun’s heart race. He climbed into bed, trying to take deep breaths as he pulled his thin, scratchy blanket over himself. “Very well. I’ll be ready.”

Johnny snuffed the candle and took his spot on the floor. “I don’t think we can be ready,” he whispered, voice thick with honesty. “But we’ll try anyway.”

The next few days, as expected, involved a great amount of "business as usual." Unfortunately for Jaehyun this meant excessive amounts of time left with nothing but his own thoughts, sitting on the throne in utter silence and dwelling on the days to come. His mind often wandered to what their life might be like beyond the walls of Ardent. Where would they run to? How would they start over? In the hopeful part of his heart, the spark of joy that the church had not yet smothered, he created a rich, beautiful future where they were happy. 

They would build a little home in the woods, far away from the threat of church guards and power-hungry cardinals. Johnny would teach Jaehyun to fight, to wield a sword against the mysterious monsters he had heard so much about but never seen. Jaehyun would teach himself to do small, necessary things, like mending clothes and cooking supper, and their life would be peaceful and quiet and blessedly happy.

Those small optimisms kept him looking forward to their escape, rather than becoming so overcome with fear that he changed his mind and called the whole thing off. Even if these silly hopes never came to pass, they gave him something lovely to dream about.

Two days after their pact was made Jaehyun woke to Johnny walking into the room, a tray of food in his hands. He sat up, stretching and yawning and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Were you up very early?" he asked, blinking sleepily at Johnny as he set the tray of food at Jaehyun's side. "What's this?"

"I didn't sleep," Johnny admitted. This surprised Jaehyun, as he looked just as energetic as ever. "I had some business to attend to while you slept. And this is your breakfast, you've met before."

Jaehyun scoffed, though he gladly took the steaming bowl of porridge and tucked in. "Don't be clever, I've only just woken up," he complained around a mouthful of food. "Where did you go? And why are you bringing me breakfast in bed?"

Johnny watched him eat for a long moment before walking across the room, disappearing behind the privacy screen and coming back with some sort of package wrapped carefully in brown paper and tied with a string. He sat at the foot of Jaehyun's bed, opening the bundle and laying it out for Jaehyun to see. It was clothing. A simple tunic and trousers in muted colours, the fabric plain and the garments clearly homemade.

"For when we leave," Johnny said quietly. "You can't walk out of here in gleaming white, you'll be a beacon for anyone looking for us. I got you a pair of boots as well, as it isn't safe for you to go traipsing into the woods barefoot. If you're dressed like everyone else we might stand a chance, it's not as if anyone but a very chosen few know you're face." He looked up, grinning. "And I brought you breakfast in bed because I spoil you terribly, don't act like I don't."

The porridge was sugary and light as Jaehyun spooned it into his mouth, just the right amount of honey to satisfy his sweet tooth. Between the hearty breakfast and the clothing sitting before him, Jaehyun felt bright. Energized. They were putting together a solid plan, this was really going to happen. "Where are we going to go?"

Johnny's expression grew thoughtful at the question. "Out of the country," he said slowly. "Far, far from Ardent and the incorporated cities surrounding it." He began to wrap the clothing back up, standing to hide them away once more. "If we head due east from the gates of Ardent and travel for a few weeks we'll reach a port city called Orison, we'll be able to secure passage on one of the ships there."

"I've never been on a boat before," Jaehyun said, eyes wide. "Is it exciting?"

Johnny laughed softly, moving back to sit at the foot of the bed. "It's quite exciting. I think you'll like the feeling of the wind in your hair. If you don't get sea sick, that is."

"Sea sick?"

"The rocking of the boat can make a man ill," Johnny said, folding his legs before him and resting his elbows on his knees. "I traveled with a fellow once when they were teaching me how to navigate on water. Remember when I was gone for the better part of the year?"

Jaehyun remembered. It was a miserable time.

"He could barely keep a meal down," Johnny continued, ignoring Jaehyun's sour expression. "Spent most of his time leaning over the side of the ship, retching every meal into the water. Made good bait for fishing, at the very least."

"That won't be me," Jaehyun said loftily. "I'll take very well to the sea, I think. I'll be captain of the ship in no time."

Johnny laughed, shaking his head. "You saw a live fish once and you screamed and hid behind me until the cooks took it away."

"I was startled, it was slimy!" Jaehyun argued, incensed. "You should have warned me!"

They continued their comfortable conversation as Jaehyun finished his breakfast, setting the bowl aside to take down for washing later. He drank a glass of water before climbing out of bed to clean up and dress for the day, scrubbing his face and brushing his teeth, picking up the ornate comb gifted to him by the fathers last year for his birthday and trying to make sense of his hair. Once tidied he pulled on his usual clothing, grabbing his veil and pulling it into place.

"Penance today, after mass," he sighed, watching Johnny arm himself. "Are you ready?"

Johnny shrugged, stepping into his boots. "It doesn't bother me, your grace. They've forced me to build up a great tolerance for pain and then act confused when I don't cry out at their lash. I'm happy to give them the exercise." He looked up, sighing. "Still, I am grateful for the opportunity to think on your service to us."

His words made Jaehyun squirm. No matter how the statement was intended it felt like a barb, digging uncomfortably into Jaehyun's skin and making him realize the odd power balance in their relationship. He swallowed it down, tucked it away for later. He was already asking so much of Johnny. He would wait to ask him to reconsider the nature of their relationship.

The closer they came to their day of escape, the faster time seemed to move. One moment Jaehyun was kneeling before Humble and being told of all of his wrongdoings and shortcomings as his palms were caned, the next he was listening attentively as Johnny tried to explain what plants were acceptable to eat in the wild without poisoning one’s self. He found little time to sleep in the evenings leading up to leaving, too busy mentally preparing himself for what was to come.

The thing about plans, as Jaehyun would find out, was that the more desperate you were for them to work out perfectly, the less chance that they would.

It was the night before their escape, and Jaehyun sat before his collection of books with a look of intense concentration on his face. Johnny said he could take _one_. Anything more would be too burdensome, so he was left with the almost impossible task of narrowing down which was the most important to him.

“They’re just books,” Johnny said pointedly, sitting on Jaehyun’s bed and carefully sharpening his rapier. “Just pick one and be done with it.”

Jaehyun shot him a glare, eyes narrow. “It’s not just a book, Johnny. It’s information. Escapism. These books have seen me through so much, I have to take this choice seriously.”

“As you wish,” Johnny said, clearly only to placate Jaehyun and end the conversation. He returned to his sword, moving the whetstone along the blade in long, even strokes, the ring of steel on stone humming through the room. Jaehyun opened his mouth to continue the argument—a new favourite hobby of his—when there was a knock on the door.

Immediately Johnny stood, sword moved to his dominant hand. “Get behind the screen,” he ordered, posture tense. They never received visitors in their quarters, especially at this time of night. On top of that, at sundown the next day, they’d be running from the place forever. A sudden visitor did not bode well. Jaehyun carefully tucked himself behind the privacy screen, holding his breath as Johnny opened the door.

The long silence that followed was terrifying. Jaehyun held his breath as he waited for any sort of indication of what to do, imagining this grand elaborate plan that involved him jumping out of the window and praying his leg didn’t break so he could run. Then Johnny huffed a breath, voice low when he spoke. “What the hell do you want?”

“I’m so sorry, Ser Cavalier, but I...I need to speak to the Divine.”

It took some time to put together who it was that Jaehyun heard speaking. The voice seemed only vaguely familiar, and the way it trembled made it even harder to place. 

“What business would you have with his grace?” Johnny asked, voice cold. “None are to see him or hear his voice. What makes you so special?”

“Because, Ser Cavalier, it is a matter of life and death.” 

Though the speaker seemed terrified he spoke bravely, and in a flash Jaehyun remembered why he recognized the voice. Jaehyun stepped out of hiding to see Kunhang standing before Johnny, chin lifted and jaw set.

“Johnny,” Jaehyun said, walking over to touch his guardian’s shoulder. “It’s alright.”

Kunhang looked at Johnny, his hard won boldness turning to curiosity. “Johnny...you have a name?”

“Given to me by the Divine himself,” Johnny said coolly. If a stranger weren’t present Jaehyun would laugh at the posturing, the pride. 

Suddenly Kunhang’s eyes snapped to Jaehyun, as if Johnny’s mentioning him reminded the soldier that he was there. His eyes went wide, hand moving to his heart as he stared with wonder in his eyes.

“Your grace,” he whispered. “They said...I thought I couldn’t…”

“As far as I am aware, no one has ever gone mad from seeing my face or hearing my voice,” Jaehyun said kindly. “You are perfectly safe here with us.” He tugged Johnny to the side so Kunhang could step fully into their quarters, Johnny’s glare obvious as he pushed the door shut. 

“I can see why they might keep you covered,” Kunhang said softly, the reverence in his voice making Jaehyun shift uncomfortably under the scrutiny. “You’re beautiful, your grace. It might distract the congregants from their lessons if they could see you like this.”

Immediately Jaehyun’s face went hot in a way that could only mean his cheeks and ears were glowing red. “Please, you mustn't speak like that,” he murmured. “I’m only...I’m only me, there’s nothing special about that.”

“You said you have a matter of life or death to discuss,” Johnny cut in, folding his arms.

Kunhang startled, as if remembering his task. “Oh, yes. Your grace, the cardinals know of your plan to run.”

It was as if Jaehyun’s blood turned to ice, running cold through his veins and chilling him from the inside out. His head began to spin, and the only thing he could do to keep himself upright was cling tight to Johnny’s arm. He was swaying. Light-headed. “How do you know?”

Kunhang looked as if he greatly regretted having to be the one to deliver this information. “They’ve begun to spread word to the guard that you’ve taken ill, that there is a sickness in your heart and that it might drive you to do foolish things,” he said in a rush, breathless in his hurry to explain it all. “Down in the barracks...well, there’s no great deal of love for the fathers, you see. Captain Qian left to get more information and the recruits all started talking…”

“About what?” Jaehyun asked breathlessly. 

Johnny adjusted their positions, his sturdy arm wrapping around Jaehyun’s waist and keeping him steady. “How did you translate this into us trying to run?”

“I put two and two together,” Kunhang said, finally scraping together enough bravado to shoot a glare in Johnny’s direction. “I didn’t get into the church guard with a brain full of nothing, you know.” He turned back to Jaehyun. “They increased guard presence around the cathedral exits without telling us why. The city gates, too. It was the only assumption I could make.”

Jaehyun felt helpless. Hopeless. He looked up at Johnny, heart stuck in his throat. “What do we do now?”

“We leave tonight.”

Jaehyun’s eyes went wide as Johnny left him, kneeling beside the bed and reaching under to gather the clothing he’d collected for Jaehyun. “Tonight? I’m...Johnny I’m not ready, I’m not!”

Johnny paused in his preparations, looking up at Jaehyun with a soft look in his eyes. “Jaehyunnie. You will never be ready, it’s a mistake to think that one more day might make all the difference. This is our last, best chance at getting you out of here. Do you trust me?”

“Of course I do,” came Jaehyun’s response, almost unbidden. “With my life.”

“Then trust me in this,” Johnny said with a soft smile, walking over to press the clothing into Jaehyun’s arms. “Change.” He turned to Kunhang, expression thoughtful. “You...you’ve done well, Kunhang. I am in your debt.”

Kunhang seemed stunned by Johnny’s candor. He straightened, offering a smile that changed his face entirely. He suddenly looked young, bright and excited and so perfectly human. “I am glad to serve the Divine,” he said, cheeks flushing a gentle pink. “Your grace, I hope...I hope that you find joy, wherever you end up. And I hope that someday we will meet again, when you are free of all of this.”

With a bow and a smile he left, leaving a stunned Jaehyun in his wake.

Time seemed to pass in the blink of an eye. One moment Jaehyun was staring at the door with wide eyes, the next he was dressed in civilian clothing as Johnny gave him a rundown of the next few minutes of his life.

“Do your best to stay behind me,” Johnny instructed, sliding his sword into its sheath. “I’ll examine every path, every corner, and check for guards or anyone who might give us away. If we find trouble along the way you run, do you understand me? Run as fast as you can and I’ll find you once I’m free.”

Jaehyun swallowed hard, hands clenched at his sides. “Where are we going to go? Which way do we run?” They had envisioned a silent walk out of the cathedral, sneaking to the gates and slipping out. How covert could they be if the cardinals were already aware of their plans?

“We still run for the gate. We’ll get out by force if we must.” Johnny crossed the room to stand before Jaehyun, eyes full of some strange, hidden emotions that Jaehyun could not recognize. He took Jaehyun’s hands in his own, squeezing gently. “Are you ready?”

Jaehyun shook his head. “I’m frightened,” he whispered honestly, clinging to Johnny like a lifeline.

Johnny smiled softly. “I know. I am too. I promised you though, didn’t I? That I’d get out you out of here or die trying. I have no intention of dying today, Jung Jaehyun, so that only leaves us one other option.”

His words were so sincere, his hands so steady and warm, that Jaehyun could not help but believe him. He was filled with gratitude so immense that tears sprang to his eyes, hot and heavy as he tried furiously to blink them away. It would not do to cry, not now. They were in danger and he would need to keep his wits about him. Still, someday he would need to find a way to thank Johnny for this. For his life.

“Alright,” he nodded, voice hoarse. “Alright. Let’s go.”

Jaehyun’s first step out of their bedroom felt oddly like his first taste of freedom, despite having miles to go before they were truly in the clear. Still, his heart soared at his first deliberate act of rebellion. He had picked the lock and was spreading his wings, moving closer and closer to the cliff edge where he would jump, catch the wind, and soar.

He followed carefully behind Johnny, steps light and purposeful even though his heart beat heavily in his chest. As soon as they’d descended the stairs outside of their bedroom Johnny led him to the hidden door in the wall, the one behind the painting that he’d only been through a handful of times.

“Don’t the fathers know about this passage?” Jaehyun asked, watching Johnny return the painting to its place once they were through. “Won’t they be able to find us here?”

“The father’s know, but they wouldn’t expose it to the rest of the guards,” Johnny explained quietly. They were able to walk faster now, traveling quickly down pitch black corridors. Jaehyun found his hand held tightly by Johnny’s, guiding him this way and that in the dark. “They like having escape routes. Information that the public isn’t privy to. If these passages were exposed they’d have no method of escape if they themselves were ever in trouble. Instead of searching the passageways themselves they’ll post heavier guards around the cathedral to catch us elsewhere.”

That seemed reasonable. Still, Jaehyun’s palms began to sweat in Johnny’s tight hold. “Do you think we’ll have to fight?”

Though he didn’t respond verbally, the brief pause in Johnny’s step answered Jaehyun’s question. He suddenly tugged them both to the right, walking in a direction entirely new to Jaehyun.

“Where on earth are we going? I didn’t know the passage led in this direction,” Jaehyun gasped, reaching out with his free hand to feel along the cold stone wall. 

“The passage leads in many different directions,” Johnny explained. “You never know in which direction we’ll need to run. Now hush, I’m trying to count my steps.”

Jaehyun had always wondered how he knew where to go in these sightless journeys.

They came to a flight of stairs, Johnny’s grip on Jaehyun tightening as they suddenly began to travel up and up and up. Each step was slow. Careful. It seemed counterproductive to their journey but every time Jaehyun tried to move faster Johnny would simply grab him tighter. 

“It would not do to have you fall down the steps and break your neck,” he said calmly. Jaehyun didn’t understand how he could be so still, so unbothered. Wasn’t he frightened too? He sighed and forced himself to walk slower, carefully ascending each step.

“The shoes are strange,” he admitted in a small voice. “I keep feeling as if I’m going to trip over them.”

“You’ll grow used to them,” Johnny assured. “They’re necessary once we’re past the city walls. You haven’t had the time to grow the callouses that I have, every step would pain you if your feet were bare.”

“You could always carry me,” Jaehyun joked, trying desperately to sound as if he weren’t terrified. The words clicked in his throat, mouth sticky and dry. He wasn’t sure he sounded very convincing.

Johnny laughed softly, almost pitying. “Part of me suspects I’ll be carrying you anyway, Jaehyunnie.” They finally reached the top of the stairs, both panting lightly. Jaehyun thought they must be quite high, after all that walking. “Alright. We’re just before a door. Hold your breath and let me listen, alright?”

Wondering where the door might lead, Jaehyun took a great gulp of breath and held it in his lungs. He could hear a soft shuffle and then Johnny was opening the door, moonlight cascading into the passageway. 

“The wall,” Jaehyun gasped, the sticky summer air damp against his skin. “I’ve never been up here…”

“Lest you be seen from afar,” Johnny reasoned, stepping carefully out. He pulled Jaehyun into a crouch, only occasionally peeking over to see if anyone loitered about the church grounds. He must not have liked what he saw, as he quickly hid himself from sight once more. “It unnerves me that there’s none guarding the walls. Wouldn’t they have all of their bases covered?”

“Would they be as concerned if they expect us to flee tomorrow?” 

“Yes,” Johnny said with a hollow laugh. “They will do quite literally anything to keep you under their thumb, Jaehyun. You are property. Very valuable property that they will guard with their life.”

As much as Jaehyun knew it to be true, it still wounded him to hear himself referred to in such a way. From Johnny nonetheless, though he knew Johnny thought no such thing of him. He took a shaking breath, doing his very best to hunch over as low as possible, thighs already starting to ache at the strange position he found himself moving in. He opened his mouth to complain but immediately thought better of it, closing his mouth with an audible snap.

“Where are we going? How are we going to get down?” he whispered instead, eyes wide. 

“There’s a staircase at the northwest corner of the wall,” Johnny said as he pressed on. “We’ll be able to climb down there.”

“You must know that the northwest stairs are heavily guarded, Ser Cavalier.”

Jaehyun felt his heart shudder to a stop before forcing itself back into motion with a few laboured beats. He fell forward onto his knees, looking frantically at the approaching figure of Kun rounding the corner.

Johnny stood, hand already reaching for his rapier. “I do not wish to spill your blood,” he said firmly, putting himself between the captain and Jaehyun’s trembling form. “But I will be taking him out of here, even if I must go through you to do it.”

Jaehyun knew he was meant to be still. He knew he was meant to be silent, to let Johnny handle everything and to follow close behind. But Jaehyun was tired of being silent. Kun was a good man, had become something very close to a friend, and Jaehyun was desperate. 

“Please,” he said softly, slowly rising to his knees. “Please Kun. I know you’re heart is kind. I know that you have come to care about me as a person, instead of the pretty possession the church trots out to make everyone bow at their feet.” He swallowed hard, clasping his hands in front of him. “Please. I will wither and die here, Kun. I can no longer live in this cage. Please, let us go.”

As Kun studied them a few heavy drops of rain began to fall, far too loud against the stone walls for how fragile the moment felt. 

Kun heaved a sudden sigh, lifting his hands to rub furiously at his face. “They already know you’re out of your quarters,” he said, shaking his head. “They’re searching for you. The best I can do is send them in the wrong direction.”

Jaehyun looked stunned. “You’d do that?”

“You’re not the only person who sees the truth of things,” Kun said, not unkind. “You have more friends than you know.” He turned to Johnny, the soft expression melting into something harder, more stern. “Use the ivy on the east wall to climb down. It’s your best chance, there are no entrances on that side so the patrol will be light. I’ll create a diversion to draw them away. Whatever you do, avoid the main entrances to the city. You won’t make it through.”

Johnny gave a solemn nod. “Thank you.”

“Yes, well. Thank me by getting him out of here,” Kun scoffed, clapping Johnny firmly on the shoulder. “I wish you both luck. I would say that I hope we meet again, but I never want see you behind these walls again, your grace.”

With a short bow he turned, running off in the hopes of giving them a fighting chance. Jaehyun looked to Johnny with wide eyes, trying to swallow around the lump in his throat. “What do we do if we can’t use any of the city gates to leave?”

“I’m not sure,” Johnny admitted, and it was all too clear that he was putting on a brave face for Jaehyun’s benefit. “Let’s get away from the church, we’ll go from there.”

Jaehyun nodded, though the sweat on his brow betrayed his nerves. They once more sunk down, hunched over as they doubled back and traveled away from the northwest corner of the wall. 

Out of nowhere, like lightning through his skull, pain lanced through Jaehyun, sending him crashing once more to his knees. He clutched at his head as he desperately fought back a startled cry, biting down hard on the inside of his cheek to force himself silent. It was agony. White hot and sharp, the ache was nearly blinding as he rocked himself back and forth, trying to force himself through it.

And then it was gone, and he was left only with a picture in his mind.

Johnny knelt before him, eyes wide and panicked as he took Jaehyun’s face in his hands. “What is it? Are you alright? Jaehyun look at me!”

Jaehyun managed a delirious smile, a bit dizzy as the memory of the pain clung to him like a film. “I’m alright,” he slurred. “And I know where to go.”

It was clear from the look on Johnny’s face that he thought Jaehyun was having some sort of fit. He offered his hand, helping Jaehyun off of his knees and guiding him along. “What do you mean? Was it...was it a vision?”

“I’m not sure,” Jaehyun said honestly. “But I had a thought, and the moment I had it I knew it would lead us in the right direction.” He gently squeezed Johnny’s hand. “Do you trust me?”

“No,” Johnny deadpanned immediately, ducking to avoid the swat Jaehyun aimed for the back of his head. “But you _are_ the Living God, so if you say you know the way then I’m going to follow.” He stopped to peer over the side of the wall, heaving a deep sigh. “The way down will not be easy,” he warned. “Climbing can be difficult. Whatever you do, hold on tight. Are you ready?”

Jaehyun dearly wished he would stop asking that. He was never going to be ready, but he didn’t exactly have a choice in the matter. “I’m as ready as I’m going to be.”

That seemed to be enough for Johnny. “I’ll stay beside you and lead you down. Don’t let go, Jaehyung.”

“I’m not going to let go,” Jaehyun grumbled back. “I don’t wish to fall to my death, you know.”

“I’m glad you’ve retained your sass in this time of trial,” Johnny snorted, hoisting his leg over the wall, first one and then the other. Jaehyun leaned forward curiously, watching as Johnny took great handfuls of the creeping ivy that clung to the stone. “Alright. Now you try.”

Jaehyun wondered, briefly, who gods were supposed to pray to. Did he ask himself for protection against breaking his neck? Would that work? There was no time to consider it, as Johnny was looking at him expectantly with a hand reaching out for his own. Jaehyun took a deep breath and carefully shimmied himself over the wall, feet scrabbling to find a hold on the wall before allowing himself to move his hands to the thick vines.

“Oh no,” he whispered, eyes wide. “I definitely cannot do this.”

“Yes you can,” Johnny whispered back, fierce. “You are stronger than you think. Now. Move your feet first. Lower yourself into your next hold, and only then do you move your hands from their current position.”

Jaehyun carefully did as told, fighting the fierce shaking of his limbs and the way his hands grew clammy and wet as he tried to carefully ignore his fear. “If I were to fall from here,” he began, voice wavering, “would I die?”

“Most certainly,” Johnny said, barely breathing any harder as he focused on getting not only himself, but Jaehyun down safely. “So do not fall.”

“You’re terrible at being comforting,” Jaehyun said, foot kicking absently in midair for a moment before it found a new hold. He kept going like that, down, down, a few inches and then a few more, until his arms began to ache and the sweat on his palms made it difficult to hold on. And just when he couldn’t handle anymore, just when he was genuinely worried that he may slip and fall and break every bone in his body, he was on the ground.

“There,” Johnny said softly, taking Jaehyun’s hands an examining his palms for any lasting damage. “All of that, and your hands are still bruised from yesterday’s penance. Impressive, your grace.”

Jaehyun couldn’t help but blush. “Yes, well. My choices were climb or die.”

“And you picked the right one. Where is this mystery place I’m supposed to follow you to?” Johnny glanced around before taking Jaehyun by the hand, darting off of church grounds and past the cobbled street that wrapped around the cathedral. Slipping between two houses, Johnny made sure they were under cover before turning to Jaehyun to await further instructions.

Only Jaehyun was standing with his hands clasped over his mouth, eyes wide.

“Jaehyun? What is it?” The alarm in Johnny’s voice was tinged with an urgency that bordered on demanding, but he did his best to stay calm as he examined Jaehyun for any sudden injury. “Did you see someone?”

Jaehyun shook his head, swallowing hard and willing his mouth to speak. “No, I...I’ve never set foot on the ground outside of the cathedral. I’ve never...I’ve never walked beyond the church gardens.” There were tears in his eyes as he looked to Johnny, shaking from head to toe. “We’re actually out.”

“We are,” Johnny said softly, taking Jaehyun’s hands in his own. “And we’ll have time to celebrate, I promise. But we’re not free yet Jaehyun, we’ve a ways to go. Can you tell me what you saw in your vision?”

Oh. Right. Jaehyun quickly wiped his eyes, steadying his nerves. “I know the way. Follow me.”

They were careful to stay in the shadows as they traveled through the city. It was a bit disorienting, confusing to walk behind buildings and stick to dark alleys, but Jaehyun found that if he could at least see the main roads periodically he could find their way. They traveled past the richer homes right by the cathedral, further and further away as the city grew darker, dirtier. 

“Jaehyun, where could we possibly be going in Low Town?” Johnny asked in a worried whisper, voice hissing through his teeth. “Who could help us here?”

“I don’t know,” Jaehyun murmured, keeping his eyes forward as he pressed on, forever confident that Johnny would follow if he led. “I know where we’re going, but I don’t know what we’ll find there.”

Johnny muttered something under his breath that sounded a lot like “_gods_”, but followed anyway.

The moment Jaehyun saw the house at the end of the alley his heart began to race. It was just as it was every procession day, rundown but welcoming, calling out to him to step inside, find out what was within. In his vision he had seen it standing like a beacon, the door open to them. He could hear a whisper in the back of his mind that had promised safety. Protection. Bolstered by that feeling of comfort, he lifted his hand and knocked on the front door.

There was a moment of waiting where Johnny looked like he might throttle Jaehyun for knocking on random doors in the middle of the night when they were still so far from freedom. Though he couldn’t make out the words Jaehyun could hear hushed voices inside, and soon the door opened to reveal a wide-eyed nun with a housecoat thrown over her sleeping clothes.

Jaehyun smiled softly, tears springing to his eyes as he looked at the woman before him. She was tall, just a bit taller than Jaehyun himself with a round face and kind eyes. Though she was not yet someone Jaehyun would consider old, her light brown skin had begun to show the signs of a life of hard work and sacrifice. Her tight curls were flecked with silver that danced in the light, curls that Jaehyun could just barely remember tugging on with childish glee when he was still young, smitten with the way they would pull taught and bounce back into place.

Sister Clarity stood before them, pure shock on her face as she looked between them. Jaehyun couldn’t help the way he grinned, heart full to bursting as he bowed to the only mother figure he had ever known.

“Hello, nanny.”


	5. Hello, Nanny

It felt a bit like coming home. Sister Clarity, the only nurturing figure Jaehyun had ever known in his life, suddenly threw her arms around his neck and pulled him into a tight hug that knocked the breath from his lungs and nearly sent him to his knees. It felt...familiar. Comfortable in a way it shouldn’t, with how touch-starved he’d been his whole life. But somehow her arms felt like they belonged around him, and in a moment there were flashes of memory that he hadn’t been able to recall in a very long time.

A warm smile beaming down at him as he wrote his name for the first time during his lessons. Calm, soothing words as he cried over a scraped knee. A gloved hand stroking his hair when the fathers’ backs were turned. Loving eyes watching him play in the gardens, watching as a young Johnny hovered nearby.

He’d been six years old when Sister Clarity had been sent away. All of his schooling and care then fell to the fathers and, well...they hadn’t taken very kindly to the job.

Jaehyun gave a small, choking sob, viciously trying to fight the tears gathering in his eyes. The memories continued to flood in, and with them came the realization of just what he had lost when she was sent away. “I didn’t remember you enough to realize how much I’d missed you,” he apologized, burying his face in her shoulder. “I’m sorry I forgot, nanny.”

“You poor, darling boy,” she whispered. “Don’t you worry, I’ve missed you enough for both of us.”

They continued to cling to each other, the emotion overwhelming Jaehyun’s already tender nerves, until there was a polite cough just beside them. Jaehyun turned to see Johnny watching with a raised eyebrow, foot tapping against the packed dirt below.

“I don’t mean to rush this reunion, but we _are_ being hunted,” he murmured. “Might we come inside?”

Sister Clarity turned her gaze to look Johnny, just as stunned as she was moments ago upon seeing Jaehyun. “Oh, sweet thing. I hardly recognized you, you’re a man now, aren’t you?” She pulled reluctantly away from Jaehyun, opening the door wider and motioning them inside. “Come, please. You are always welcome with us.”

The door was barely shut behind them before Clarity pulled Johnny into her arms, smothering him in the same motherly affection as she had Jaehyun not a moment before. Johnny looked at Jaehyun with wide eyes over her shoulder, awkwardly trying to decide what to do with his hands. He settled on stiffly patting her back as Jaehyun tried to stifle his laughter.

“Sister?” All three looked up to see a young nun watching from an open door, a look of concern on her face. “Is everything alright?”

“Everything is wonderful,” Clarity said, quickly wiping her eyes. Just greeting some old friends.”

Jaehyun had a strong urge to cover his face, to shield himself from the eyes of the girl looking between them with no small amount of curiosity. They had no way of knowing who they could trust. This young sister, seemingly innocent, might have strong loyalties to the church. Might turn them in. Just as he went to duck his face it occurred to him that she had no way of knowing who he was. He lived his life veiled and hidden away, his anonymity meant that no one other than a select few knew the face of the living god.

“I’m sorry we woke you Sister Prudence,” Clarity added. She turned to Johnny and Jaehyun, eyes sparkling. “Come, we can speak with some privacy in my quarters.”

As they followed through the convent Jaehyun let his eyes drink in everything he saw. He so rarely got to experience new places. If he was lucky he, on occasion, stumbled on a room in the cathedral he had never seen before, but those instances were few and far between. Now though... now there was so _much_ new. From the simple rugs thrown across the floor to the candles burning in front of paintings of the old gods to the spiderweb high in a darkened corner, he consumed everything he saw with a ravenous hunger.

From the main vestibule they moved through a small chapel, nothing more than a few simple wooden benches and an alter covered in glowing candles and bright flowers. After that came a staircase that led to a second and then third floor, where Sister Clarity opened an old door that protested at the use by emitting a low groan. Her steps were brisk as she led them inside.

“Here we are,” she said, practically breathless in her excitement. “Make yourselves at home.”

The room inside was small, but it had been made into a home. Sister Clarity might live a life of austerity but she clearly had her small pleasures. Her mattress was thin but covered in a thick, hand-knit blanket that looked lovely and warm, spread over a neatly made bed pushed into the corner. There was another clutch of brightly coloured flowers next to a small portrait of a young man done in pencil, a single candle burning next to it. There were a few chairs, a few books, not much to her name but she obviously lived a life of carefully tended happiness. It pleased Jaehyun to know she lived well.

He wandered over to the desk, letting his fingers touch the delicate petals of a yellow daisy sitting in a glass vase. He smiled with a particular softness, eyes trailing to the image in the gilded frame. “Who is this?” The face seemed familiar in a way that made Jaehyun think that perhaps he’d seen him in a dream. “I don’t recognize him, he’s not one of the old gods…”

He turned to see both Johnny and Clarity staring at him, matching looks of concern on their faces. Their stares made him feel terribly exposed, folding his arms across his body as if to shield himself from view. “Have I...said something wrong?” he asked softly. “Should I know?”

Johnny stepped forward, a look far too near to pity on his face. “I’d forgotten that they never let you have a looking glass.” He turned to Clarity, eyebrows knit. “How...how did you know? He’s never uncovered in public. This can’t have been a guess, it’s too true of a likeness.”

“I saw his face in a dream once,” Clarity said, soft, almost amazed at her own words. “I sketched what I could remember. I’m not sure if it was a vision, or perhaps just my brain putting together a good idea of what he might grow into from what I saw of him as a boy. Or maybe the heavens thought it important that I know. That’s how I knew it was you, when I saw you standing at the door.”

Dread filled Jaehyun’s stomach at the implications of their words. He immediately felt foolish, eyes moving to stare at his feet. “It’s me, isn’t it.” Not a question. A statement, a declaration of his ignorance. In a room full of people, he was the only person their who didn’t know his own face. He was no better than the rest of the congregation.

Johnny wasn’t wrong. The fathers detested the idea of vanity, had raised Jaehyun completely in the dark as to his own image and what his appearance may be. There were no mirrors available to him, the only reflections he ever saw relegated to hazy, warped things in thick glass windows or basins of water. None of them were ever clear enough to give him a real idea of who he was.

“People are brought in to tend to his shaving and other personal matters,” Johnny explained to Clarity. “It just...it never occurred to me…”

“Please stop talking like I have some terrible illness that I’ve only just learned about,” Jaehyun snapped, avoiding not only their sympathy but his own image sitting on the desk. It was as if the small portrait was mocking him, the idea of looking at his own face somehow shameful. He couldn’t bring himself to so much as glance over, no matter how curious he felt. “It’s...it’s fine. It’s just the truth of it, it’s not that big of a deal.”

Strong arms wrapped tight around him, and Jaehyun found himself sinking immediately into Johnny’s embrace. He shuddered and drew a deep breath. Johnny had held him before, plenty of times, in fact. Carrying him gently when he was ill, gripping him tight while pulling him out of dangerous situations. The feeling of Johnny’s embrace was one Jaehyun knew well. But this, being held for no reason other than comfort…

Jaehyun could get used to this.

“I’m sorry if my reaction gave offense, your grace,” Johnny murmured softly. “Sometimes I forget all of the strange guidelines they’ve set for you. Would you like to look?”

Jaehyun nodded softly, cheeks burning as he hid his face against Johnny’s shoulder.

“Alright,” Johnny soothed, giving him a small squeeze. “Let’s look.” He kept one arm around Jaehyun to steady him as he brought him closer to the desk, lifting the frame with his free hand so Jaehyun could see. “It’s a perfect likeness, this...this is what I see when I look at you.”

Jaehyun swallowed hard and let himself look. In the drawing he was gazing just off to the side, eyes cast down, dark lashes stark against pale cheeks. He knew well enough that his hair was curly and dark, but now he could see the way it framed his face and spilled past his forehead and nearly into his eyes. It was strange. Knowing that this was him, he felt he ought to have some sort of feelings of understanding. Self-recognition. Instead he felt little connection to the person on the paper.

“I’m done looking,” he said softly, turning away. Johnny, faithful and understanding and wonderful, didn’t press him. He merely set the photo down, giving Jaehyun’s shoulder a small squeeze before stepping away.

“I’m quite sure you didn’t come here to admire my silly old drawings,” Clarity said, sitting in the small reading chair in the corner. She smoothed the skirt of her habit, simple and grey and worn with time. “What in the name of the holy gods are you doing out here on your own?”

It suddenly became immensely important that she understand, that they have her support in their escape. Jaehyun fell to his knees at her feet, eyes wide as he took her hands in his own. “We’re running away, nanny. Johnny is taking me away and we’re never going back to that horrible, wicked place ever again.”

Clarity looked surprised, but not at their desperation to run. She looked up between them, eyebrows knit together. “Johnny?”

Jaehyun glanced over his shoulder at his guardian, a rosy pink mottling his pale cheeks. “They never gave him a name,” he said quietly. “So I gave him one myself.” Briefly, shyly, his eyes met Johnny's. Jaehyun was surprised to find a soft blush that matched his own. "And that's the thing of it, nanny. He's been with me my entire life and they never even gave him a name. How can they...how can they claim to be holy men and do the things they do? Treat people the way they do?"

Clarity sighed, lifting one hand away to stroke Jaehyun's hair back from his face. He couldn't help but melt into the touch. His eyes fluttered shut, head tilting to the side to encourage her fingers, gentle but sure as they carded through his locks. He wondered, briefly, if this was what having a mother must be like. How nice it must be, to have somewhere there to love you unconditionally.

"I'm not surprised you wish to leave," she said softly, lowering her voice so as not to be heard by anyone passing by her door. "You've lead a very strange life, my little love. I wish more than anything that I could go back in time and give you both a proper childhood, protect you from the way things were." There was a sad smile on her lips as she glanced at Johnny. "Especially you, darling thing. You've had so much responsibility for so long."

There was a soft click as Johnny swallowed, looking away. "I don't regret my place in life," he murmured. "I was born to be the Divine's protector. And I have to protect him now, Sister. He is owed a life and I intend to give it to him."

Outside Jaehyun could hear some sort of shouting, the heavy sound of boots thudding in the distance. The guard must be combing the city. Just as Johnny said, the church would not rest until Jaehyun was back in their possession. And if they could not bring him back alive then they would return with his corpse in a pretty glass box. If they could not have him as a god they would have him as a martyr.

"How will you escape the city?" Clarity asked, still petting Jaehyun's hair as if calming a worried child. "They will come looking for you here. You know that, Johnny. Any place that has any sort of connection to Jaehyun will be searched thoroughly."

"I know," Johnny whispered, and for one awful moment there was true fear in his eyes. "My only plan is to storm the gate and fight through the guard so Jaehyun can escape. If they cut me down so be it, I just need to buy him time."

Immediately Jaehyun opened his mouth to protest, but Clarity gently hushed him, tapping a finger to his nose. "Jaehyun, my love. My sweet boy, who has been so much to so many people for so long...is this what you want? Knowing that they will chase you, knowing that monsters wait beyond the city gates...do you truly, in your heart of hearts, wish to run from the place?"

Jaehyun had his answer with no hesitation. "More than anything," he whispered, hoping she could see the truth in his eyes.

Clarity nodded, looking back to Johnny. "And you. You've been fighting your whole life, but this time it will be against an army you've always had at your back. Are you prepared for the fight ahead?"

Johnny nodded, expression grave.

"Alright," Clarity said softly, gently moving Jaehyun's head from her knee and standing. She moved to the rickety old bookshelf in the corner, opening a small box and pulling out a silver key. "Come along."

Jaehyun watched in confusion as she moved to the door, stopping to glance back. "Where are we going, nanny?" he asked, taking Johnny's offered hand and pulling himself to his feet. "We can't go back out yet, you can hear the city guard combing the streets."

Sure enough the marching and raised voices seemed to draw nearer and nearer, matching the rhythm of Jaehyun's frantic heart. They were too close. And Clarity was right, this was one of the few places in the city Jaehyun had any sort of connection to, thanks to his nurse.

"Come, I'll explain as we walk. We must be quick," Clarity said, urging them along. She led them back into the hallway and down the stairs, back to the first floor and into the chapel. "You've heard of the Profane, have you not?"

"I've read on them," Jaehyun said, shrugging one shoulder. "I know they want me dead, and that they were the reason the third Divine died so young."

Clarity nodded. She walked purposefully to the small altar at the front of the room, running her hand over the polished wood. "They've been a problem for the church since the very start, but whoever leads them now is particularly keen on putting a stop to their power. There were a few attempts on your life when you were quite young, and for some time the fathers moved you here to the convent for safe keeping."

It didn't make much sense, why would Jaehyun be safer in a small convent full of women then in a mighty cathedral protected by an armed guard? "Why would they do that?" he frowned, head tilted slightly to the side. "I'd been told I stayed here, but I never understood it."

"You did not have a guardian assigned yet to your care," Clarity explained. "So instead of using the sword they decided to hide you away, telling most of the sisters here that you were an orphan in need of care. Myself and the Mother Superior knew the truth, and that's why I was moved to the cathedral when you were moved back. I'd been doing so already and they saw no reason to assign a new nurse."

Jaehyun still didn't understand. "But how could this place have offered me any real protection?" he asked. "What if someone found out?"

Clarity smiled, kneeling next to the alter. She slipped the key into a small hole right by the base, turning it until it clicked, then giving a mighty push. The entire structure seemed to slide smoothly away, revealing a hole in the ground with a ladder descending into the darkness. "You were safe because there are secret ways out," she said with a smile that was almost mischievous. "And only I have the key to them."

Johnny rushed to look down the hatch, eyes wide. "Where does it lead?"

"Past the wall. The idea was to give us an escape route in case the church ever fell," she said in a hushed tone. "If the city was ever compromised and our last hope was to run we would have a way to do so."

Behind them, past the closed doors of the chapel and beyond the vestibule, a solid fist pounded on the convent door. Jaehyun jumped, freezing in place. "It's them, they're here," he choked, looking at Johnny with panic twisting his features. "We have to..."

"You need to go," Clarity agreed. "I'll close the entrance behind you. Run, and run together. Don't ever convince yourselves that you'll ever have to go alone." She looked to Johnny in particular, gaze firm. “You’ve sold yourself on the idea that you must die for him. He doesn’t need you dead. He needs you alive.”

Jaehyun stood, tears in his eyes. He felt foolish, he'd cried more in the past week then he had in his entire life, and yet he couldn’t stop himself. "Come with us, nanny," he pleaded. "Run away with us. Let's all start over together."

Clarity smiled softly, lifting her hand to touch his cheek. Her own gaze was full of just as much emotion, of hope and promise and a love she'd done so little to hide despite what the fathers had demanded of her in the small amount of time they'd shared together. "Jung Jaehyun, if life were perfect I would pack my things right now and run with you. But I can't go on this adventure, my little love." She leaned in, softly kissing his forehead. "But I can throw them off the scent and give you two a fighting chance, so that is what I’ll do."

She looked at Johnny, beckoning him close. Though his steps were reluctant he let her take his hand, pulling him into their embrace. "Be good to each other," she whispered. "Look out for each other. No one on this entire earth shares the bond that you two share, and that alone will protect you. I know it."

There was another heavy knock against the door. She pulled back, eyes wide. "Now go. Run. Don't look back, just spare a thought for me now and then. That's all I need." She hurried them to the hatch, grabbing a candle from the pulpit and pressing it into Johnny's hand. "There's a large stone that blocks the entrance to the path you'll be taking, push hard enough and it will move."

Johnny nodded, lips pressed together. He paused, looking almost as if he was going to say something profound, before dropping instead into a deep bow. "Thank you, Sister." With those simple words he stepped to the ladder and disappeared into the darkness.

Jaehyun wanted to stay. He had so much more to say to her, so much more to ask. But he could hear another Sister opening the door and speaking to a guard, so all he could do was follow Johnny down the steps. The glow of the candle barely lit the way, and soon Clarity pushed the pulpit back into place and cut off the small bit of light that filtered in from the chapel.

Johnny and Jaehyun were alone once more.

For quite a long time all Jaehyun could do was stand there, trembling in the darkness, Johnny's face the only thing he could see in the small amount of light the candle afforded. He swallowed hard a few times, breathing through his nose and trying to fight back the cresting wave of emotion that threatened to overtake him. Years and years and years since he'd seen Sister Clarity, and all he was given was a little under an hour to make up for it. And now he would never see her again.

Was nothing in his life fair? Was he not allowed to love anyone? It was exactly what the fathers had always wanted, to keep him isolated. Lonely. Weak.

A hand reached out, taking his own; Johnny's palms were calloused and rough, but comforting as he struggled to pull himself together. It started to clear the fog of pain, remind Jaehyun that he needed to focus on the task at hand.

"I know it hurts," Johnny said softly, "but we haven't got much light to work with. Let's see where this passage takes us, and once we're out and safe we can take a moment. Alright?"

Jaehyun nodded, blinking furiously. "Alright," he agreed, offering the bravest smile he could muster. "Yes. Let's go."

The tunnel—for that was the only way Jaehyun could think to describe it—was long and narrow and damp, the walls seeming to get tighter and tighter as they traveled through. The candle Johnny held was barely enough to see anything at all, really. Jaehyun could see a bit of Johnny and a bit of the walls, and other than that nothing more than the darkness surrounding them.

"All these secret places, all for me," he wondered softly, reaching out to touch what felt like stone beside him. "So many tunnels, so many hidden doors."

"You're precious," Johnny reasoned, though he didn't look back. "Worth protecting."

Jaehyun was glad it was too dark for Johnny to see him blush. He'd been doing far too much of that lately.

The pressed on for quite some time, so long that the candle waned to a barely-there flicker. If Johnny was worried it might go out he didn't say, merely kept walking in the only direction they could take. Sometimes Jaehyun wondered if Johnny worried about anything at all. Jaehyun certainly worried. He worried about being caught, dragged back to the cathedral kicking and screaming. He worried about being separated from Johnny. He worried about what monsters they might meet outside of the city walls.

"I can hear you fussing in your head," Johnny said, startling him and pulling him from his thoughts. "Stop it."

Jaehyun sighed. "How can I not? We don't know what we're walking into."

Their footsteps echoed around them as Johnny considered this. "True," he hummed, voice soft. "But we do know what we're walking away from. And I think that's the greater evil, don't you?"

Jaehyun opened his mouth to argue but found he couldn’t. Johnny was right. None of the horrors they could encounter beyond the wall would be worth putting themselves back in that prison for. So Jaehyun continued to walk, following until his feet began to ache and the boots he wore rubbed stinging wounds into his heels.

Johnny stopped suddenly, causing Jaehyun to crash into him. As he did the candle flickered out, casting them in utter darkness.

“Oh!” Jaehyun grabbed quickly to Johnny, gripping him tight. “What do we do now?”

“We push,” Johnny responded, and Jaehyun could practically hear the smirk in his voice. “We’ve reached the end of the passage.

Jaehyun carefully reached around Johnny’s figure, fingers stretching out until they connected with the stone wall before them. He narrowed his eyes in an attempt to see anything at all and sure enough, in a jagged sort of ring, he could see light peeking around whatever stood before them.

“There must be some sort of stone covering the exit,” Johnny reasoned. From the movement of his body Jaehyun assumed he must be feeling along the barrier. “If we both push we should be able to dislodge it. Are you ready?”

“I’m not very strong, I don’t think,” Jaehyun said warily, adjusting until he was standing beside Johnny, palms flat against the stone. He gave a gentle push to test the give, of which there was none. He hoped Johnny was ready to bear the brunt of the work.

Johnny laughed softly, a gentle huff of breath. “I think you’re stronger than you realize. Alright, on my word...push!”

At Johnny’s signal Jaehyun leaned his entire body into the rock, gritting his teeth as he tried to use his weight to dislodge to obstruction. With a soft grunt he shifted his feet against the ground, digging his toes into the hard-packed earth and trying to force himself harder against the seemingly immovable object. He pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and all he got for it was the barest shift of the stone.

He gave up after a moment, panting. And then he heard Johnny laugh.

“You weren’t even pushing, you ass!” he exclaimed. “I thought we were doomed!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Johnny said, clearly delighted with his little joke. “I had to, you’ve been so bloody grave this whole time, I had to do something to lighten the mood. Alright, I’ll help this time, I promise. Go!”

This time when Jaehyun pushed he could hear Johnny struggle to do the same beside him. He once more set his weight and leaned in hard, feet scrabbling against the ground for purchase. At first nothing happened, just the same small shift. And then, inch by inch, the boulder began to move.

“We’re getting it!” he cried, panting. “Keep going!”

“I wasn’t about to stop,” Johnny grunted, clearly straining. They pushed and pushed, sweat forming on their brows and sticking to their shirts, until there was just enough of an opening to let a body through. Moonlight spilled into the passage, illuminating their triumphant faces as they turned to each other in excitement.

“See? You’ve got some muscle to you. We’ll make a proper warrior of you yet,” Johnny said with a grin. He gently guided Jaehyun away, stepping forward to peek outside. When he didn’t see any immediate danger he stepped out, getting a better look at their surroundings.

“It’s clear. You can come out,” he called, arm appearing in view to wave Jaehyun outside.

With a deep breath Jaehyun followed, carefully easing his body through the opening they’d created. With his heart racing in his chest and fear a heavy presence hanging over him, Jaehyun took his first real steps beyond the walls of Ardent and into the world.


	6. A Rush of Blood

Jaehyun found that he was not particularly keen on sleeping on the ground. After a week on the run his muscles were stiff and sore from trying to find comfort in the hard earth, back a constant ache and feet torn and tattered from the just-too-small boots he walked in each day. As they traveled through the woods branches would reach out to him like desperate supplicants, gripping and tearing at his skin until he was covered in a fine criss-cross of scrapes and scars. His hair hadn’t been properly brushed in days and he longed for a bath. 

It was a marvel how Johnny seemed completely unbothered by the hardships they faced. No matter the weather, no matter how little they were able to find to fill their bellies, he pressed on with a dogged resilience that kept him silent and focused as they walked. His determination was a quiet one. Steady and unyielding, with little time to sooth Jaehyun’s tattered nerves.

Jaehyun had never felt so lonely.

“Johnny,” he said softly after a particularly long bout of silence, the emptiness in the air between them gnawing at him worse than his hunger. “Johnny, I think...I think I need to stop for a moment.”

It took a while for him to get his response, long enough that a hot spark of anxiety began to smoulder in his chest. It seemed to choke him, his breaths laboured as he waited for a response. When Johnny finally answered it was terse, short. “Not right now.”

Jaehyun swallowed hard, doing his very best to ignore the wound that he could feel reopening on his foot. The skin had rubbed away again, the pain sharp and raw, a constant reminder of how far he was from home. A constant reminder of how weak he was. On top of that there was a dull ache in his hip that throbbed with every step, a gift of a fitful night’s sleep. 

The past week had been nothing more than a long march from Ardent. No city guardsmen hot on their heels. No monsters jumping out to try and make a meal of them. Just walking, with the occasional stop to sleep in makeshift camps. If Johnny himself slept it was not very often. When Jaehyun fell asleep, uncomfortable and cold on the wet grass, Johnny was wide awake and keeping watch. When he woke up feeling barely any more rested than the night before Johnny was still alert, eyes silently scanning the woods around them. 

They’d yet to run into another human being. Johnny had chosen their route carefully, and though it saw them traipsing up and down steep hills and fording rushing rivers, it had been relatively safe. 

And solitary. 

Three days ago a thought had popped into Jaehyun’s mind, a nasty, ugly thought that had plagued him constantly since then. It whispered in his ear that Johnny had begun to resent him, that Jaehyun had dragged him on this fool’s errand on a whim. Ardent had been Johnny’s home just as it had been Jaehyun’s. All he had ever known as far as comfort and peace. And now they’d left that comfort for an uncertain future that could very well result in their deaths. Barely seven days out and Jaehyun had already begun to think that this whole mad errand was a mistake, that maybe they should turn around and go back home.

In a desperate attempt to sooth his own nerves Jaehyun had tried to start conversations, little things like asking about the birds chirping in the trees, or whether or not Johnny thought they might find a village soon. Each attempt was met with a short response and then more silence. Jaehyun was going mad. 

And now he was tired. Hungry. Worn thin. Desperate to cling to the only friend he had in the entire world. 

“Johnny,” he tried again, doing his best to inject some of the helplessness he felt into his voice. “Please, I think I’m bleeding again and I’m... I’m so very tired, please, can we rest?”

Johnny turned so quickly and so suddenly that Jaehyun took a step back in surprise. Jaehyun wasn’t quite sure what he expected, but it wasn’t the look of intense anger on his companion’s face. 

“Jaehyun, I know you’ve spent your life spoiled beyond measure, but I need you to stop being such a little prince and focus on the danger. Just because we haven’t seen anyone yet doesn’t mean we aren’t still being pursued.” Johnny’s frown depend, eyes narrow. “I know you’re tired. I know your feet hurt. Mine do too. But I need you to stop complaining and push through. Or would you rather sit for a few minutes, enjoy the birdsong until someone comes along and cuts our throats?”

Jaehyun stared, mouth agape at the sudden outburst. Even in the cathedral, even when Humble was at his angriest, he was rarely spoken to in such a way. And Johnny...while they might have shared one or two teasing arguments they’d never spoken to each other out of true anger like that. Johnny was always the first to comfort him when he was hurt the first to sooth him when his nerves were frayed by a Silencing. Johnny was supposed to be on his side, but Jaehyun’s weakness and constant complaining were driving him away.

Jaehyun closed his mouth, trying to look composed despite the way his chin began to tremble. It was childish to cry over something as simple as being scolded. They had much bigger problems pursuing them. “Alright, I’m sorry,” he choked, blinking hard. “I’ll be quiet.”

At Jaehyun’s words Johnny seemed to snap out of whatever mood he’d been stewing in, his anger melting to shock and then quickly to regret. He took a step forward, reaching out helplessly and nearly crumpling when Jaehyun took a step back. 

“I’m sorry,” Johnny whispered, clearly mortified over his outburst. “Jaehyun I’m so sorry, I’ve been so caught up in my own worry and my own stress that I... I’m sorry I spoke to you like that, I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet, I just…”

Johnny’s face twisted into pure agony, eyes squeezed shut as his teeth clenched together. He sank to his knees, bowing his head and clasping his hands before him. “Please, forgive me, your grace,” he begged, and Jaehyun was stunned to see him trembling. “I misspoke. I’m unworthy of your companionship, unworthy to be in the presence of the Divine. I don’t deserve your forgiveness but please, if you could find it in your heart…”

“Oh, stop it!” Jaehyun begged, covering his ears with his hands to try and drown out Johnny’s hopeless prayers. It sounded so impersonal, like he was just another member of the church standing before a shrouded figure rather than Jaehyun’s dearest friend and confidante. “Stop it stop it stop it!” 

He walked backwards until his back hit a tree, the bark lifting his shirt and scraping his skin as he slid to the ground. All he could do was hide his face in his hands and try not to weep himself. Johnny looked up slowly, eyes red rimmed and bright with tears. “Jaehyun please,” he whispered, a small bit of hope returning to his face as Jaehyun lowered his hands and met his eyes.

For a few moments they did nothing more than stare at each other, their emotions hanging heavy between them. Finally Johnny scrambled over, sighing in relief as he was allowed to pull Jaehyun into his arms. He rocked Jaehyun gently, taking a shuddering breath as he held him tight. 

“I’m sorry. I let myself get too tired,” he whispered, resting his cheek against Jaehyun’s hair. “I’m so weary that I feel hollow. All I do is dwell in my worry for you, and it’s turning me into a tyrant.”

“Let’s find a proper place to rest, please,” Jaehyun begged, winding his thin arms around Johnny’s neck and clinging to him like he was his lifeline. “I could...maybe I could help you hunt, so we can have a decent meal. We could light a fire. We’ll feel better after a real rest, I promise.”

Johnny sighed, closing his eyes and considering the idea. As he thought he continued to rock Jaehyun as if comforting a child, seemingly unbothered by the way Jaehyun hid his face in the crook of Johnny’s neck and breathed him in. “Alright,” he murmured. “If you think it best. See that rock face over there? We might be able to find an overhang that will provide a bit of shelter. Let’s at least make it there and we’ll stop for the night.”

“Thank you,” Jaehyun sighed, relief sweeping through him and finally easing some of the tension in his muscles. They slowly got to their feet, righting their clothing before setting off in the direction of the rocks Johnny had pointed out. 

They seemed to be the face of some sort of cliff, stretching high above them in jagged fits and starts, moss clinging here and there in patches of vivid green. Jaehyun thought this might be the side of a mountain, though he wasn’t sure. He’d heard of mountains before, had seen drawings, but had never looked on one in real life. He wondered what was above, what they might find at the very top if they were to climb all the way up. 

“There’s a cave,” Johnny said eagerly, pointing. In the distance Jaehyun could see a very thin opening in the rock, just enough for a person to walk through. “That’s exactly what we needed. Let me go in and make sure it’s safe, if there’s nothing inside we'll be able to light a proper fire and everything.”

“That sounds lovely,” Jaehyun sighed, limping along in an attempt to keep his shoe from rubbing at his sore. Johnny offered his arm, which Jaehyun took gratefully. “You need to sleep this time. Properly. There’s no reason I can’t keep watch.”

Johnny seemed to want to argue, but he had no leg to stand on. He simply couldn’t keep going under the weight of such heavy exhaustion. “We’ll both sleep,” he agreed. “I’ll cover our tracks and hide the entrance. We’ll be safe enough for the time being.”

The idea of both of them getting some proper sleep sounded lovely. It lifted Jaehyun’s spirits, making it easier for him to travel the last few yards to their designated hiding spot. Once there, he waited patiently for Johnny to scout inside, only entering when he was called for. 

The inside of the cave was murky and damp and quite deep, but the prospect of safety and rest made it feel like a palace. “It’s perfect,” Jaehyun sighed, ignoring Johnny’s snort of laughter. “Shall we hunt? Maybe I can sweep some of this debris out...oh! You could show me how to build a fire!”

“One thing at a time,” Johnny chuckled, placing a warm hand on the small of Jaehyun’s back as he slipped by. Jaehyun shivered at the contact, scraping his teeth over his bottom lip. “Let’s see if we can find running water nearby. Gods, I could use a wash.”

They’d left with so little in their hands, it had been a tenuous few days of constantly looking for water and food to keep them going. They each had a water skin tied to their belt, but more often than not they hung empty. Each sudden rainshower had been a blessing. 

A bit of searching in the immediate area led them to a small stream, not much more than a trickle but enough to refill their supplies and clean up. Johnny immediately stripped to the waist, kneeling beside the water and cupping it in his hands, splashing it across his face and through his hair. He took handful after handful, scrubbing his skin until it glowed pink, working loose the dirt that had collected over the past seven days. 

Glancing back at Jaehyun, he laughed at the stunned expression on his face as he looked forward with a singular focus. “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Jaehyun slowly, so slowly, lifted his hand to point. He didn’t say a word. Didn’t make a single sound. Because there, past the stream and across a large clearing, was a monster. 

The reality of the creatures that walked the wilds never seemed that pressing within Ardent. The city walls were high, impossibly thick and manned at all times by skilled warriors who kept the people within safe. On the rare occasion a beast could fly there were archers at the ready. It had been over three hundred years since once of the creatures had made past the walls. So long that the tales had turned to myth, and so many of the citizens lived their lives as if they were mere stories to tell naughty children to keep them from wondering what lay beyond Ardent.

Jaehyun had never even seen them in drawings. The fathers forbade it, convinced that the hideous profanity of their sheer existence might in some way sully the Divine. Johnny never said anything because he was a stick in the mud who claimed he didn’t want Jaehyun to have nightmares. 

Perhaps he was right, because Jaehyun was sure the horrible thing staring him down would haunt his dreams for years to come. 

It stood on two legs, the shape and size of it roughly human, though that was where the similarities ended. Both arms and legs were unnaturally long, and it bent at the knee so deeply that its knuckles dragged along the ground as it began to step forward. It wore the face of a wolf and the antlers of some giant stag, and its narrow chest was sunken with ribs that protruded under a thin grey hide. At the end of each finger was a wicked looking claw, hooked and deadly. It’s fur was patchy. Thin. Hideous. And it looked at Jaehyun with a hatred beyond comprehension.

It tilted its head up, taking a few ragged breaths, scenting the air before looking back to Jaehyun. As its beady black eyes refocused it drew its muzzle into a grimace, parting its lips and hissing “_you...you…_.” Its lips didn’t seem to move to articulate the words. They came fully formed from deep within its throat, as if some pitiful being was trapped within. 

Jaehyun’s attention was finally pulled away by Johnny moving closer, his rapier in his hand as if it had never left. “Be as still as you can,” he murmured, eyes trained on the beast. “I’m not going to let it hurt you.”

Jaehyun knew he wouldn’t.

Stepping through the stream, Johnny moved slowly towards the beast with his sword at the ready. “Hello, ugly,” he called, lips twisting into a deadly smirk. “Would you like to dance?” When the monster paid little mind to him he continued to move forward, stance low and knees bent, ready to spring forward at a moment’s notice. He whistled sharply, finally earning himself the creature’s full attention.

“Sorry, the Divine isn’t taking visitors right now,” he sneered. “If you want to get to him you’ll have to go through me.”

That seemed to suit the monster just fine. With a growl that seemed to shake the very earth around them he lunged, giant claws at the ready.

Jaehyun had never seen Johnny fight like this before. There had been plenty of moments where the Cavalier had to think quickly, striking out with deadly blows or deftly pulling Jaehyun from danger, but his first priority was always removing Jaehyun from the situation and into a safer one. This...it was almost like dancing, wasn’t it? He was so light on his feet, springing from one spot to another, working circles around the hulking beast so deftly that it couldn’t seem to get hold of him. He made it seem effortless. The creature would reach out with an arm as thick as a tree branch only to have Johnny duck easily underneath, his rapier glittering in the fading light of dusk to deliver blow after blow.

Jaehyun expected the fight to be bloodier. He expected to be more frightened, or to have to take off running at Johnny’s frantic instruction. Instead Johnny made short work of the monster, and soon it was laying dead at his feet.

Johnny slowly withdrew his blade from the creature’s throat, wiping it along the grass to remove some of the blood. Once it was resheathed he walked to Jaehyun, a look of concern in his eyes. “Are you alright?”

All Jaehyun could do was stare. Stare at Johnny’s shirtless form, at the way his hair hung before his face in messy strands. It was getting long again, long enough that he’d taken once more to tying it back with simple black string, but the string had failed him and now it hung loose, the ends tickling along his jaw. His chest (which Jaehyun had rarely seen) heaved as he caught his breath, and Jaehyun was stunned by the definition of muscle underneath his golden skin.

“Yes,” he croaked, eyes wide. “Yes, I think I’m alright.”

Thankfully his concerning behaviour must seem normal enough after seeing his very first monster. “Come, clean up. I’ll take you back to the cave and find us something to eat. You can rest and we’ll...we’ll talk about what you saw.”

Jaehyun nodded, forcing himself to look away. He lowered himself to the water’s edge and splashed handfuls against his face, thankful that it was cold enough to distract him from his foolishness. He washed to the best of his abilities, only periodically glancing over to see Johnny scrubbing the monster’s blood from his skin. With each movement Johnny’s muscles shifted and moved, smooth and strong, drawing Jaehyun’s eyes to parts of his body he had never really _looked at_ before. Jaehyun felt heat prickling under his skin, felt the way his cheeks and ears grew hot, which of course meant that they must be turning pink. He doused his hair in more water before filling his canteen, drawing a shuddering breath. By the time he looked back Johnny had—thankfully—pulled his shirt back on.

“Alright,” he murmured, keeping his eyes cast carefully to the ground. “I’m ready to go back.”

Unfortunately Johnny was far too perceptive to merely walk away. He knelt down, bringing his face mere inches from Jaehyun’s. “I know it’s...a lot,” he said slowly, eyes bright with concern. “You did well, though. I’m proud of you.”

Oh. Right. The monster. Jaehyun managed to twist his lips into a pained smile, nodding. “Thank you. It...it will take some getting used to, I suppose. I’ll get there.”

Johnny lifted his hand, touching Jaehyun’s cheek soothingly. This of course did nothing to help Jaehyun’s flustered state, only serving to agitate him further. He felt pinned as Johnny studied his face, eyes moving from his own to look over the rest of him, checking him for wounds. “Alright,” he finally said, seemingly appeased. “Let’s go back.”

They made short work of the trek back to their temporary shelter, moving quickly lest they run into something else lurking in the woods. Johnny urged Jaehyun to the back of the cave, kneeling to drop an armful of sticks and branches he’d collected along the way. “I want you to wait here,” he sighed. “That...that thing knew what you are. If they’re drawn to you in some way it won’t do to have you traipsing about if you don’t need to.”

Jaehyun nodded, though he wasn’t entirely sure that the creature had some sort of deep knowledge that Jaehyun was the Divine. More than anything he simple spotted Jaehyun first and figured him out as the easier target. “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do.”

“Good, good boy,” Johnny said with a small flash of a smile. He was clearly teasing, but Jaehyun couldn’t find it within himself to rise to the bait. He was too busy listening to the words “good boy” echo in his mind over and over, louder and louder until it was all he could focus on. Johnny seemed to notice, leaning in to get a better look at his face. “Are you sure you’re alright, Jaehyun?”

“I’m fine,” Jaehyun managed, but his voice must have betrayed his flustered state as suddenly he found himself pulled into Johnny’s massive arms, held against his chest. Jaehyun squeaked, eyes wide. “Johnny, I’m fine!”

It wasn’t Johnny’s fussing that was the problem, it was his proximity. For some strange reason Jaehyun was still excited from watching Johnny fight the beast, body hot and blood rushing through his veins. He had...stirrings, the sort he rarely dealt with other than a few embarrassing mornings back in the cathedral. 

Johnny chuckled, gently ruffling his hair. “Very well. Sit here. I’ll hunt down something to eat, I shouldn’t be too long. If you hear anything you hide, alright? Stay here in the dark and be as still as possible.”

“Alright. As still as possible,” Jaehyun repeated.

In the small bit of light afforded to them by the setting sun Jaehyun could barely make out Johnny’s face, and as far as he could tell he was studying Jaehyun closely. He must have decided there was nothing urgent to attend as he gave a small nod and stood, heading for the mouth of the cave and disappearing into the evening.

The moment he was gone Jaehyun let out a great gust of air, one he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding. His heart felt nervous and light in his chest, like it might beat right out of his body if given the chance. The same heat from before was still licking across his skin, and the collar of his shirt felt uncomfortably tight. With a dull thud he fell to his knees.

Between his legs, betraying his desperate attempts to be calm and still, he was hard.

For the living gods, sexual gratification was the worst of all sins. Jaehyun had grown up knowing well the story of Kim Jongdae, who had fallen in love with his cavalier only to be caught by the church in the middle of relations and punished dearly for it. His ending hadn’t been pretty. 

As soon as Jaehyun was old enough to understand the layout of his body he had to listen to Temperance give long-winded speeches about the sin of self gratification. He learned early to be ashamed of any urge he might feel, which only grew worse as he settled into his affection for Johnny. Even if he’d wanted to touch himself, he never really had the chance. He was so rarely alone, his guardian always a few feet away, always watching. 

Jaehyun had made it twenty-two years without knowing the touch of his own hand. 

Under normal circumstances he would do what he’d always done; close his eyes, think of the fathers, will his erection away. He didn’t have that sort of time right now though, Johnny would be back soon. He’d light a fire and see the predicament Jaehyun was in, and Jaehyun would die from the shame of being found out. 

Besides, was there really anything wrong with it? He’d already established that most of what the cardinals had demanded of him was simply a method of control, why not this as well? A way to nip his passions in the bud, to leave him meek and docile. Maybe as his next true act of rebellion…

Jaehyun swallowed hard, eyes flickering to the mouth of the cave. It was some thirty yards away, and with the darkness settling outside he wouldn’t be very visible until Johnny was back within reach. If the last few days were any indicator Johnny would be gone for quite a while hunting. Jaehyun had time. 

Sucking his lower lip between his teeth, he ran a curious palm up the inside of his thigh, higher and higher to the apex where his legs met and he ached to explore. Despite his trousers being rough and thick the touch sent shivers up and down his spine, skin breaking into goosebumps. 

He couldn’t help but laugh nervously, shutting his eyes and forcing another calming breath through his nose. In and out. In and out. It felt ridiculous to be doing this here, now. An entire lifetime in a comfortable bed and he decided his first experience needed to be in some cold, damp cave after being attacked by a monster. He thought that might be the thing, though; the excitement spurred him on, made the blood rush hot and heady through his veins.

It took a moment to convince himself to move his hand those last few inches, to actually touch the hard outline of his cock. The minute he did the image of Johnny shirtless and panting sprang back to the forefront of his mind and he moaned so pitifully that he thought must sound wounded. Johnny had looked so beautiful. Strong and steady in a way Jaehyun would never be, muscles firm and begging to be touched. Jaehyun wondered what it might be like to feel them, to slide his fingertips along his warm skin and take his fill. He wondered what it would be like to lay underneath him, his body firm on top of Jaehyun’s slighter frame.

Would Johnny cry out for him? What beautiful broken noises might he make under Jaehyun’s hands? Jaehyun moaned softly as he considered it, gently pressing his palm against his aching length and rocking gently into the touch. It felt incredible. Unlike anything, any small pleasure or delight he’d ever experienced. Something hungry sparked and crackled low in his gut like a fire glowing warm inside of him. His breath came in short bursts, head spinning as he dizzied himself with each shallow gasp for air. He needed more.

With trembling fingers he unlaced the front of his trousers, opening them just enough to slip his hand inside. At first it was curious, strange to touch himself other than during a bath. As he slid his fingers up to the head he shuddered, eyes going wide as the sensations cut through him, curling him on in himself.

Jaehyun pulled his hand out, spitting into his palm before slipping it back inside. It made the slide so much easier, made it so he could take himself in hand, working himself in his fist with small strokes. His free hand braced against the damp earth as he pushed forward with small thrusts of his hips, mind once again tormented by images of Johnny; touching him, tasting him, taking his fill.

It didn’t take long for Jaehyun to come. He bit down hard on his bottom lip, eyes shut tight as he spilled into his hand, wet and warm and so very odd as it seeped over his fingers. He swore he could see stars behind his eyelids. The feeling was indescribable, spreading from that concentrated point between his legs all the way out to his fingertips and toes, breath stuttering in his chest as pathetic little noises tries to escape his throat.

Jaehyun slowly opened his eyes, laughing breathlessly in the quiet of his dark shelter. He withdrew his hand, making a face as he leaned over to wipe his fingers onto some nearby moss, making a mental note not to sit or lay anywhere near it. Once his trousers were laced he closed his eyes, considering what he’d done.

He expected to feel guilt. Numbing, gnawing guilt that choked him, made it impossible to even consider looking Johnny in the eye. Instead he felt calm. Like some of the stress of the past week had been lifted from him, leaving nothing a stillness that he reveled in as he waited for his companion to come back.

It took some time for Johnny to come back. By then the light of day was gone, just enough moonlight illuminating the world outside to see his shadowed form ducking into the cave and making his way back to Jaehyun.

“You’re alright?” he asked, laying a brace of hares beside the pile of wood he’d collected earlier.

Jaehyun smiled softly, though Johnny probably couldn’t see it. “I’m alright.”

“Good. I cleaned these outside, I know you can be...squeamish when it comes to blood.”

“I think I might be able to handle preparing a meal. That’s a bit different than having someone killed as they make a rush for you,” Jaehyun snorted, watching as Johnny pulled two small stones from a bag at his hip. He began striking them together, sparks showering from the collision and raining down on the wood and dried leaves piled there. As soon as an ember caught Johnny leaved forward, blowing gently until the small red glow turned into a crackling fire.

“Oh, it’s nice to have some proper light,” Jaehyun sighed, immediately holding his hands towards the warmth. He closed his eyes, humming in satisfaction. “Will you teach me how to do that?” He opened his eyes to see Johnny watching him with a curious look in his eyes. “What?”

Johnny quickly shrugged, working on preparing their meal. “You seem to be feeling better. I’m glad, is all. And of course, I’ll teach you anything you want. Do you want to help me cook these?”

Jaehyun nodded eagerly, crawling to sit closer to Johnny’s side. He watched as Johnny carefully selected two long sticks, pulling a knife from his boot and using the blade to sharpen the ends. “You have to choose damp wood for this part, lest it ignite and you lose your meat to the fire,” Johnny explained, piercing the meat with the skewers. “Now hold it over, just above. There you are, well done.”

Jaehyun glowed at the praise. He’d never cooked anything before, there was something exciting about preparing his own meal. “This isn’t so bad,” he said, biting his lip. “How do you know when it’s cooked properly?”

“You sort of just know, I suppose,” Johnny laughed, the fire sparkling in his eyes. “It changes colour a bit, the less pink the better. It’s better to overcook it than to eat raw meat.”

“I suppose that makes sense,” Jaehyun mused. He let his eye be drawn back to the flame, mesmerized by the way it moved, reds and oranges and yellows dancing before his eyes. He felt hypnotized. Gone were thoughts of being chased, the danger of the church coming after them. Instead he felt an odd sort of calm flowing through him.

“Jaehyun, can I ask you something?”

Jaehyun snapped out of his daze, looking to Johnny with wide eyes. “Strange that you would ask for permission. What is it?”

Johnny seemed to be perturbed by whatever thought plagued him, staring at the roasting meat with narrow eyes and his brows draw together. It took him some time to get the courage to speak and once he did it was so much softer than his usual words.

“You don’t think you’re god, do you?”

Jaehyun turned, stunned into a momentary silence. Johnny seemed dedicated to not meeting his eyes, carefully looking at the fire. “Why do you say that?” he asked, frowning. “Have I...done something?”

“What? No,” Johnny said quickly, finally meeting his stare. “Quite the opposite. I’ve never wondered. Always known. But sometimes you speak as if you yourself aren’t sure, and it’s a curious thing. To hear a god doubt himself.”

The question made Jaehyun consider his feelings in a way he’d been avoiding for quite some time. He scraped his teeth over his lip, letting his eyes drift through the darkness as he searched himself for his answer. “I...I’m not sure,” he answered quietly, biting back a sigh. “All these things they say I’ve done, the things they say I can do...it doesn’t necessarily feel like something I have a connection to.”

He laughed, the sound hollow as it echoed around them. “Apparently I’m meant to throw wide the gates of Heaven and usher in a new era of peace and prosperity. That’s...that’s news to me, Johnny. How exactly am I supposed to do that? I’ve no power. No control. I couldn’t exactly tell you where Heaven is, or how to get there. I barely even know my own face. What sort of god am I?”

“But you’ve performed miracles,” Johnny said desperately, finally looking up. “I’ve seen you do it. Back in the cathedral, when you had a vision of where we were meant to go next.” He looked at Jaehyun like he needed his divinity to be true, like his entire existence depended on it. Perhaps it did. Jaehyun couldn’t imagine what it might feel like to realize the boy you were sold to at a young age was nothing more than flesh and blood. He desperately wished he could be exactly what Johnny needed, but more than that, he couldn’t lie to him.

“I’m not sure if I’d call that a vision,” Jaehyun sighed. “I think I was just digging up a memory at the time I needed it most. I’d been there before, I’d simply forgotten. What other miracles were there? The blind nun who could see when she took me in her arms? There’s no proof that it’s true, for all I know it’s something the fathers created to make me into the Divine that they needed me to be.”

Johnny pulled his hare from the heat, encouraging Jaehyun to do the same. The sound of the fire crackling was the only noise between them as they at in an uncomfortable silence, Johnny clearly burdened by the things Jaehyun had said. 

Jaehyun picked sadly at his meal and let him have the time he needed to contend with these truths. The meat was lean and cooked through, and more than anything it felt good to eat until he was full for the first time in a week, but he couldn’t help but focus on Johnny’s sorrow. Would he leave? If Jaehyun wasn’t a god would he feel obligated to stay?

Johnny gave him no time to dwell in that thought. “Well, I still think you’re the Divine,” he said, words resolute. “And I shall serve you as I always have, no matter what you may believe.”

“You couldn’t leave me anyway,” Jaehyun pointed out. “It would be like leaving a baby to survive on its own in the woods.”

That, at least, earned him a laugh. The mood lightened in small fractions until they were back to conversing normally, discussing their plans for the days to come.

“If I remember correctly, there’s a town not far from here. We should load up on supplies. Fresh clothes, some shoes that actually fit you,” Johnny said, tossing the carcass from his meal away before taking Jaehyun’s and doing the same. “We’ll have to be careful, interact with as few people as possible. People may not know your face but they’ll still be suspicious of strangers. I’m sure the church has passed out a description of you, as well. I bet they regret keeping you hidden,” he said with a smirk.

“We should find a way to carry more water,” Jaehyun mused. He yawned, turning his face politely away, jaw cracking as it was stretched wide. “And I think you should find me a weapon.”

“Just what you need, a sword to fall on,” Johnny teased, grinning. “You should rest. We won’t have many opportunities to get a proper night’s sleep, get it while you can.”

Jaehyun nodded, rubbing his hands over his face. As Johnny doused the fire with handfuls of damp earth he shrugged out of his jacket, balling it into a makeshift pillow. “Can we not sleep with the fire?” he asked, blinking as they were once more cast in darkness.

“It’s not safe,” Johnny said, apologetic. “We can’t risk it acting as a beacon to let anyone passing by know that we’re in here. Is that alright?”

It would be laughable to hear him asking for permission if it weren’t so endearing. Of the two of them Johnny clearly knew what was wisest, yet here he was, worrying once more for Jaehyun’s comfort. “Whatever you say is best is undoubtedly best,” Jaehyun reasoned. They were back to normal, talking and laughing and relying on each other just as they always had. He could deal with a bit of darkness. “Stay near?”

Johnny obediently moved closer, easing himself down barely a foot away from Jaehyun. “Rest well, your grace,” he murmured, and Jaehyun longed to reach out, to take his hand.

They laid in silence for quite sometime, the quiet only broken by the occasional shift as they tried to find a more comfortable way to sleep on the cave floor. It wasn’t as difficult for Johnny, who had spent most of his life sleeping on a rug on the floor. He was never favoured as Jaehyun was, never given the same comforts. Jaehyun, however, was used to a mattress. No matter how threadbare.

Jaehyun lay there for quite some time, listening as Johnny’s breathing evened out. It had always been the only way to truly tell if he was asleep, as Johnny’s eyes were open even when he was unconscious. Once the rise and fall of his chest slowed Jaehyun slid just a few inches over, convinced a closer proximity, no matter how small, might sooth his nerves. When Johnny didn’t stir he slid ever nearer, swallowing hard when the backs of their hands brushed ever so slightly.

“Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun stilled, shame colouring his cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he breathed out quickly, stomach dropping. “I’m sorry, I just thought that I might—”

“It’s alright, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun looked up carefully only to be met with a curious look on Johnny’s face, one he couldn’t quite decipher. “You can come close. It might...it might help you sleep.” 

Nodding slowly, Jaehyun closed the final few inches between them. “I think it might,” he murmured, sinking down as Johnny’s arms wrapped around him. He sighed and rested his head on his companions chest, already lost in the touch of his skin. Immediately the chill of the night air seemed to dissipate, leaving him feeling warm and safe.

He thought it might be a mistake, that perhaps his nerves at being held in Johnny’s arms might keep him awake. Fate seemed determined to prove him wrong. His erratic heartbeat slowed, and he quickly found himself being pulled under.

“Goodnight John.”


	7. Sun and Moon

Jaehyun dreamt once more of faces he did not remember and friends he had never known. The man with the healing smile was there again, eyes bright as he beckoned to Jaehyun through the snow, pointing to something in the distance that clearly caused him some sort of excitement. The scarf around his neck, thick and brown and seemingly stitched by hand with love and devotion, swayed gently in the wind. Jaehyun called out to him, asked where they were going, but the man merely smiled and pointed to his lips, shaking his head.

“He won’t say.” Jaehyun turned to whoever had spoken behind him. He was suddenly faced with another stranger who greeted him as family. This one had a head full of soft blond curls that drifted about his face like the snow falling around them, eyes bright and wide, jaw sharp but smile soft. He looked almost ethereal, as if he himself were divine; more-so than Jaehyun at least, in his filthy clothing and ill-fitting shoes. There was an innocence about him, but also a deep wisdom. Jaehyun immediately trusted him with his life.

“He won’t say,” the man repeated again, smiling. “He won’t say until you learn to listen.”

“What do you mean?” Jaehyun asked curiously, reaching out to the dear friend he’d never before laid eyes on. “Where are we going?” The man wore a scarf that matched the one their silent friend wore, thin fingers woven tight into the wool to trap its warmth against his skin.

“Home,” he laughed, taking Jaehyun’s hand and tugging him along. “We’re going home, Jaehyun.”

-

Jaehyun woke shivering. Nightfall had brought a chill that had not yet broken in the morning sunlight, seeping from the damp ground below them and through his clothing, his limbs trembling in an attempt to generate some sort of heat. He grit his teeth to keep them from chattering, curling up closer to the warmth of Johnny’s form.

And then he remembered.

Johnny. Pressed up behind him, a firm arm wrapped around his waist. They’d drifted off like that, calm and comfortable despite the austerity of their situation, having made the willing choice to find comfort in each other. Jaehyun had expected to spend the night wide awake, laying stock-still and trying not to disturb his companion. Instead he had found more peace in slumber than ever before.

Johnny’s voice rumbled behind him, a balm to his soul. “You’re awake?” His breath was soft and warm against Jaehyun’s neck, sending a shiver down his spine that he hoped could be blamed on the cold.

Jaehyun smiled softly, letting his eyes slip shut once more. “I am. Can we stay here a little longer? Sleep a bit more?” He longed to stay in the circle of Johnny’s arms, to languish in the safe-haven they’d created for just a little while longer.

He heard Johnny yawn, felt him rest his forehead against the back of Jaehyun’s shoulder. “I wish we could, but we’re not nearly far enough away to let our guard down. I promise that someday we’ll be able to sleep in a proper bed for as long as we want, but today isn’t that day.”

Bed. Singular. Jaehyun chose not to point this out, though he held onto it like some delicate flame cupped tenderly in the safety of his hands. More and more lately Johnny spoke like they were a singular entity, like they were two pieces of a whole rather than separate souls wandering the wilderness. He would keep that small precious thing close to his heart any time the outlook was grim.

“Alright,” he hummed, blinking sleepily. “Alright. Let’s drink what’s left of our water and refill our skins in that stream before we set off again.”

“That... is clever,” Johnny said, clearly impressed by Jaehyun’s rare moment of forward thinking. “Who is this seasoned traveller before me?”

Jaehyun laughed, blushing. “Oh, be quiet. It’s just common sense.”

Trying to peel himself away from Johnny felt like some great act of penance, the greatest punishment anyone would ever pay. They got to their feet, stretching the stiffness from their aching muscles, working themselves loose after another night on the ground. Jaehyun watched with curious eyes as Johnny was careful to dispose of the evidence of their being there; the bones from the hares were buried, ash from the fire strewn about until it was nearly undetectable amidst the dark earth.

“It won’t do to leave a trail for the church to find,” he explained, looking about once more to make sure their tracks were covered. Once done they moved back to the mouth of the cave, listening carefully for signs of life. The morning sun filtered in through the trees in blades of gold, motes of dust swirling in their beams. A bird trilled somewhere in the distance, and if Jaehyun listened closely enough, he could hear the rush of the stream they'd visited the day before. What he didn't hear was the tromp of boots, or the call of a captain barking orders. They seemed to be the only souls about.

“It doesn’t sound like they've caught up to us,” Johnny whispered, eyes narrow. “It’s strange that we haven’t seen heads or tails of them yet.”

“Perhaps they’ve decided I’m not worth the trouble,” Jaehyun said, though he knew this was nothing more than wishful thinking on his part.

Johnny clicked his tongue, gaze thoughtful as he scanned the trees for anything at all. “Definitely not. You’re worth more than you know.”

Much of the day was spent as the days prior; they walked, they listened for danger, they took the occasional rest to pick at whatever food they could find. Johnny seemed much more open to conversation now, which took some of the weight of their journey off of Jaehyun’s shoulders. It kept him from dwelling in the reality of their situation, what would happen if the guard caught up to them and dragged them back to the city.

It would be bloody, at the very least. Of the five living gods three had rebelled, two of whom had been killed in a public execution. Jaehyun shuddered and tried not to think of their grisly ends, instead forcing himself to think about what life might be like once they were free.

Perhaps they could become farmers. Jaehyun felt he might be good at that.

After a few hours of walking they came across another stream, where they were quick to refill their stores. This one moved faster than the other, and there were no horrible monsters lurking about, waiting to tear Jaehyun limb from limb. Jaehyun sat down for a brief rest, sprawled out on a flat rock warmed by the sun. He took a deep breath, admiring how very green the world was there.

“We’ll follow the water for a bit,” Johnny said, watching as Jaehyun kicked off his boots to dangle his feet in the coolness of the stream. He looked around before sitting next to Jaehyun, folding his legs before him. “Following the water helps to cover our tracks, and if they have dogs it will throw them off of our scent.”

Jaehyun nodded as if that made any sense to him. He was glad for the chance to walk in the water, though. The stream bed was smooth enough that he could leave his shoes off, tucking his boots under one arm and giving the sores on his feet a bit of a break. Apart from that, it was nice to wash his feet. He couldn’t imagine how he might smell.

After an hour of walking the stream turned into a river, and soon the current was too strong for them to fight without wearying themselves too quickly. They moved to the bank, walking in thick brown mud until the water suddenly dropped off into a steep decline, leading into a valley below. Johnny moved straight to the edge, eyes lighting up as he peered into the distance.

“There’s a village,” he said breathlessly, turning to beckon Jaehyun closer. “We can finally get a proper supply of food to bring along, you won’t be so hungry.”

“What if we're spotted?" Jaehyun asked, a flair of nerves sparking low in his stomach. He'd never really walked among anyone not associated with the church before. To move so freely among the people was something he never thought he'd have the chance to do. He was startled to find that the idea frightened him.

Before the anxiety could settle Johnny lifted a hand, stroking it soothingly through Jaehyun's hair. He moved to cup Jaehyun’s cheek, his skin so much softer than Johnny's rough palm. Jaehyun immediately leaned into it, tipsy on how easy it had become for Johnny to touch him, to gentle him in such a way.

"They won't know your face, Jaehyun," Johnny said calmly, thumb sweeping over his cheekbone. "The greatest gift the church gave us was keeping you hidden your entire life. They might know me, but they won't know you."

Jaehyun swallowed hard, blinking up at him. "But what if they recognize you? What if they hurt you?"

"They won't get the chance." Johnny gave a wink that could only be described as "roguish," gently patting his cheek before removing his hand. "Come on. The trip down will be rough, but if we take our time we'll make it."

It wasn't exactly a drop, more like a steep decline with large rocks and gnarled looking shrubs obscuring the path. Jaehyun found that if he leaned quite far back, kept his hands braced behind him, it was easier to keep his balance as he slowly slid his way down. Every now and then he would slide and every time Johnny was there to catch him, grabbing Jaehyun firmly by the back of his shirt and hoisting him to his feet once more.

As they crawled their way down Jaehyun couldn't help but dwell on Johnny's touch not minutes before. It had become all too easy for his guardian to reach out for him, just as it had become easy for Jaehyun to accept and encourage each touch. Jaehyun wasn't quite sure what this meant. It shamed him to realize he had no examples to turn to when it came to relationships, no idea if Johnny's behavior was that of a suitor or merely that of one man given away to another at an early age. 

Though even Jaehyun, in his carefully cultivated naivete, knew that this wasn’t the case. Johnny treated him so tenderly, spoke to him in a way that reminded Jaehyun of the lovers in the few fairytales he’d been allowed to read as a child. This, unfortunately, introduced a new concern; Johnny's life had been spent in service to Jaehyun. Perhaps this meant he could never really love him equally, could only worship him as a supplicant rather than a man. And if they were not equals, could they truly be together? If Jaehyun were ever to confess his devotion, could Johnny make a conscious choice to turn him down if that were his desire?

By the time they were back on level ground Jaehyun was silently fretting, having convinced himself over the course of an hour than he and Johnny could never possibly be together. His life would always be a lonely one. It was something he would simply have to come to terms with.

The walk to the village wasn't long from there. Johnny and Jaehyun were careful to keep to the trees, staying among the shadows so as not to be spotted from a distance. Jaehyun did his best to keep low and creep along just as Johnny did, eyes wide as he looked around, as if he himself might spot something critical and save their lives. As if their safety wasn't riding completely on Johnny's shoulders.

Soon they were close enough to see the village for what it truly was; a small collection of buildings crowded together, not quite big enough to be called a town, but close enough. There seemed to be a square made up of business and taverns, small houses and cottages dotting the land around them. In the distance Jaehyun could make out a building that seemed to rise above the other. Mounted on its pointed roof was a symbol Jaehyun knew well; it was a highly stylized depiction of an eye, one long curved line representing the lid with a half circle peeking out from underneath. From that half circle a straight line extended down before ending in a vague sort of tear-drop. It was the symbol mounted on every church in Ardent and the cities beyond, a clear depiction that those inside were devotees of the Living God.

"Cities are always built around a church," Johnny explained. He put a hand on Jaehyun's lower back, gently guiding him closer to where houses began to pop up across the land. If he felt Jaehyun try to resist, attempt to stay within the cover of the woods rather than approach civilization, he did not say. "It's to keep the Divine on everyone's mind at all times, to remind them that their lives are built around devotion and penance."

Jaehyun frowned. "Is everyone meant to take penance?" He knew many of the citizens of Ardent burned and broke their skin in acts of contrition, knew that the members of the church were required to submit to the cane and the lash, but he'd hoped that maybe, the further out they went, the less he would see it.

Johnny sighed. "Yours is a religion built around punishment, your grace. We all kneel out of respect for your sacrifices."

There it was again, Johnny's careful unwillingness to see Jaehyun as anything other than a god. Jaehyun swallowed hard, a small line of consternation forming between his brows as his frown only deepened. "I have never asked that of anyone, Johnny. You know that. How can they say they take punishment for me when I never asked for their pain?"

Johnny had no answer for him. They pressed on in silence, working their way towards the center of the village, occasionally stopping to hide behind buildings or pausing in thickets of greenery and plan their next moves.

"Alright," Johnny murmured, biting his lip. "We'll move about as if we intend to be here. I think the best disguise we could have is no disguise at all. There's a good chance that no one here has seen me before, and if we moved about acting suspicious then we'll only tip someone off. So be calm, be confident, and follow my lead."

Just beyond the building they’d hidden beside Jaehyun could see people milling about the town square, many of whom seemed to recognize each other. They would call out and smile as they passed, which only added to Jaehyun’s anxiety. A tight knit community would probably notice the presence of strangers in their home.

Jaehyun swallowed, reaching out to touch the sleeve of Johnny's jacket. "I'm frightened," he admitted, the words seeming to stick in his throat. "I'm sorry Johnny, but... I'm so frightened."

Instead of brushing off his nerves or chastising him for his fear Johnny turned, pulling Jaehyun once more into the cage of his arms. "I know," he whispered, holding Jaehyun tight. There it was again, uncompromising, unforgiving _touch_. As if he'd always been allowed to do this. "I'd be more surprised if you weren't, you've spoken to maybe ten people your entire life. But people are good, Jaehyun. A lot of them are so very kind, we just have to find the kind ones. Do you trust me to know the difference between the good and the wicked?"

Jaehyun could only nod, burying his face against Johnny's shoulder. "I trust you," he whispered. "With my life."

Johnny pulled back slightly, though when Jaehyun went to pull away he merely tightened his hold. Jaehyun looked up in confusion, realizing all too late that their faces were a mere inches apart. He could feel the warmth of Johnny's breath against his lips, could feel the way his hands trembled as he pressed them to Jaehyun’s lower back.

"Jaehyun, I would...you _must_ know that I..."

Jaehyun licked his lips, swallowing hard. "You would what?" His heart was pounding in his chest, and in that moment all he could see and hear was Johnny, so blessedly, beautifully close. "Please, please tell me..."

Johnny parted his lips, eyes sweeping fitfully over Jaehyun’s face as if they didn’t quite know where to settle. His breath hitched, but just before he could speak they heard a heavy pounding on a door not too far from their hiding place.

“Church guard’s on their way,” a voice called in the distance, coloured with distaste more than fear. Jaehyun stilled in Johnny’s arms, listening closely for the person to continue. “Seems as though they’re doing daily sweeps until the Divine is returned.”

A door opened, a second voice joining the first. “Hope he’s having fun on his little jaunt while the rest of us watch them tear our homes apart trying to find him. This is the third time in a week they’ve been here.”

Jaehyun’s eyes flashed quickly to Johnny, but Johnny was too busy listening to notice his distress. 

“Well. If we’re lucky they’ll find him soon and drag him back by his ear, he can go back to haunting the cathedral and stop interrupting our lives.”

A door shut, and the voices were gone. Jaehyun swallowed hard, hands clinging tightly to Johnny’s arm. “Back to the woods?”

“I don’t think so,” Johnny murmured, eyes sweeping the area. Jaehyun would never understand how he might seem so calm at such a time, when Jaehyun’s own heart threatened to burst, it beat so hard. “We don’t know if they’re already on the outskirts of the village or if they’re only just leaving the tree line, but I don’t think we can risk it. They’ll have scouts sweeping the woods in either direction and we can’t safely say which is the best route to take.”

“So where do we go?” Jaehyun asked frantically. “Johnny, they can’t catch us!”

Johnny turned, hand once more finding Jaehyun’s cheek. “I know,” he murmured. “I know. Be still, trust me. Alright?”

Jaehyun nodded despite how he trembled. He let Johnny tug him carefully along, bit back the protest that formed on his lips as they walked boldly into the town square, past groups of indifferent looking people going about their lives. Very few even glanced their way, and when they did it was with mild disinterest that sent them quickly back about their business. Still, Jaehyun couldn’t find it within himself to relax. 

In his head he saw the same image again and again, playing in his mind over and over until nausea began to bubble in his stomach and he was worried he might be sick. The two of them caught. The two of them killed. Worse yet, the two of them dragged back to the cathedral, back to the gilded prison he had come to know so well, and separated for good. 

His anxiety wasn’t helped by the fact that Johnny was dragging him right to the church at the centre of town.

“Johnny no,” he begged, quickly yanking his hand free and taking a step back. “We can’t go in there, it’s...it’s too much like…”

Johnny glanced around before stepping close, lowering his voice. “Any other building or business in this town will easily spot two strangers hiding amongst them,” he said, clearly working at being calm despite the weight of their freedom resting on his shoulders. “But two supplicants in prayer will not be so closely judged.” He bit his lip, taking a deep breath. “It’s hiding in plain sight, Jaehyunnie. And it’s the best I can do.”

Jaehyun blinked, surprised by his candor. He pursed his lips and tried to bolster himself, giving a small nod. “I will follow where you lead,” he murmured. “You always know best.”

They approached the church slowly, as if at any moment the doors might burst open and a whole contingent of guards would pour out. Jaehyun tried to feign a confidence he did not feel as they pushed through the main entrance into the smallest sanctuary he’d ever seen—not that he’d seen many, at this point his knowledge of churches were the cathedral and the convent they’d escaped through.

This church was clearly a humble place. It consisted of one large room, five roughhewn pews on other side of the main aisle. A few thin windows allowed slices of afternoon sunlight in, the rest of the glow provided by numerous candles on pedestals around the room with wax running thick down their bases. Two men were holding a quiet conversation up near the dais that held the lectern, though they went quiet as Johnny and Jaehyun stepped in.

One of the two, shorter with a round jaw and dark hair swept out of his face, smiled kindly at the newcomers. “Hello, welcome. Is there something we can do for you?”

Johnny and Jaehyun shared a quick glance before Johnny spoke. “Hello, father,” Johnny said, offering an easy smile. “We’re merely passing through your village, but it’s been some time since we’ve seen a proper house of worship. Might we stop a while for prayer?”

The priest seemed vaguely surprised by this, if not a little delighted. “Of course, of course you can,” he said, motioning to the pews. “Take as much time as you like. We don’t often see people visiting these days, it’s a blessing to see penitents passing through.”

It felt a bit wicked lying to the father, but Jaehyun didn’t see what choice they had in the matter. He smiled at the man before letting his gaze wander to the taller of the two, who was watching them carefully from the pulpit with a look Jaehyun couldn’t quite place. He seemed...suspicious, really. Thoughtful. Unfortunately there was no time to dwell on his attitude, as Johnny was pulling him carefully to a pew and lowering the prayer bench. 

As they knelt Jaehyun could hear the approaching steps of a battalion outside, moving through the square. “They’re here,” he choked, palms clammy where he rubbed them against his thighs. “They’re outside, Johnny.”

“Just keep your head down,” Johnny whispered, lips barely moving. “If we must we’ll fight our way out, but for now just...be still. Pray.”

_Pray to whom?_ Jaehyun thought bitterly, though he bowed his head and clasped his hands before him. He thought of the gods that came before, wondered if they ever prayed to the others in times of need. Did Yeeun reach out to Jongdae when she was frightened, or alone? Did Byeongkwan cry out for Heechul? Would the next Living God pray to Jaehyun, call out to him in sorrow or joy, reach out to the past as her people reached to her?

He tried desperately to pray. He tried to focus all of his hope and longing and cast that out into the universe, reaching out to heaven the way his followers did. He reached out and listened.

He heard nothing.

“Who do you think they are?” 

Jaehyun stilled, straining to hear the men at the front of the sanctuary. The second man, with his dark eyes and honey blond hair, spoke with a voice was high and sweet and clear, with a curious lilt at odds with how pointedly he spoke. “I don’t buy the weary travelers story.”

“It’s not our place to speculate, Donghyuck. If they come to us for a place of worship then we offer it. It is not our lot to try to find the underlying truth of every word.”

“Maybe not for you,” the younger man said with a scoff. “I, unfortunately, don’t get to debate the difference between a lie and an untruth.”

“Then don’t debate it. Leave it where it lies. The Living God, in his infinite wisdom, will reveal all truths when it is time for us to know them.”

“Taeil-”

“Hyuck. We’ll continue this conversation later.”

Jaehyun swallowed hard, staring wide-eyed at the floor below his knees. Did they think their words were quiet enough to not be heard? The younger of the two, with his wide, piercing eyes, clearly knew that he and Johnny weren’t what they claimed. They should run. They should go now, take once more to the shadows, fight their way out as Johnny said. It wouldn’t do to stay here, pinned, waiting to be taken.

But there was no time. The sanctuary doors burst open and the heavy footfall of boots closed in on them.

“Father Moon.”

“Commander,” the father—Taeil—said calmly. “It’s not been two days since you last came through Saint’s Rest. Has there been no word?”

Jaehyun glanced carefully out of the corner of his eye, watching as a tall man in well-polished armor led two lower ranking recruits deeper into the church. “Nothing, Father. Every trail we’ve followed has led to nothing. I worry that if the Divine isn’t rescued soon then...well. Our window is closing.”

Rescued. Then the tale truly was that Johnny had kidnapped him. The mere idea of it made Jaehyun’s blood boil. He clasped his hands tighter, digging his nails deep into his palms in an attempt to quiet the fire raging inside of him.

“Please,” he whispered, so quietly that his words barely reached his own ears. “Heechul. Yeeun. Jongdae. Byeongkwan. Any of you, please keep him safe. I don’t care what happens to me, but don’t let anything hurt him.”

“And who are these two?”

“Keep. Your head. Down,” Johnny whispered frantically.

“Ah, these young men joined us a little over a week ago as a stop on their pilgrimage to Ardent. Jongin unfortunately grew quite ill and they had to pause their travels, they’ve been staying with us for the time being,” Taeil said smoothly, the lie dropping as easily from his lips as a homily or a prayer. “He and Junmyeon should be back on the road in a few days, right as rain. For now they’ve taken a vow of silence as penance, to hopefully speed their healing.”

Acting quickly, Johnny faked a lusty cough, covering his mouth with his hands.

The commander hummed softly, walking slowly up the aisle to where Johnny and Jaehyun knelt. “You. Truth teller. Who are they?”

Donghyuck snorted. “I wish you wouldn’t call me that.”

“And I wish you’d answer my question. Who are these men?”

“Travelers,” Donghyuck said slowly, voice bland and uninterested. “Commander, this is a small village full of old farmwives and retired fishermen. If the Divine were hiding in our village no one here would be able to keep it to themselves, word would hit Ardent in a matter of hours.” He laughed, the sound like chiming bells. “Really, commander. Are you asking me if father Moon, a man devoted to serving the Living God, would lie?”

The Commander growled, a frustrated sound. “Is the Divine inside this church?”

Donghyuck leveled him with a pointed look. “The Divine is in every church, Commander. In the hearts of all of us, isn’t he? That’s sort of the point.”

There was a long pause in which Jaehyun felt five pairs of eyes turned on he and Johnny. Finally the Commander heaved a sigh. “Very well then. Remember, it’s your duty to report back to us if you hear anything. Do I have your word?”

“You have our word,” Taeil said quickly, before Donghyuck could find the chance to say anything else.

It took a few more tense minutes for the small contingent to make their way out. When they did Jaehyun let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, the muscles in his body relaxing one by one. 

Johnny looked up at the men, who stood watching them with curious eyes. “Thank you,” he murmured. “I...thank you.”

“Who are you?” Donghyuck insisted, leveling them with a glare. It was obvious that he’d had enough of them already, arms folded over the simple white robes he wore. “Please believe that I know a lie when I hear it, so the truth, if you’d be so kind.”

Jaehyun took a shuddering breath and looked to Johnny, who gave a small nod. “My...my name is…” He swallowed, closing his eyes. “My name is Jung Jaehyun. This is Johnny, my Cavalier. We’re trying to get to Orison, to find passage on a ship and away from this country.”

Taeil and Donghyuck stared in stunned silence, watching as Jaehyun tried desperately not to squirm. Finally Taeil broke the silence. “Well. You must be weary, and you look half starved. Come, we’ll feed you and you can tell us your story, I’m sure you have much to say.”

“Taeil!” Donghyuck moved quickly to his side, taking his arm and demanding his attention. “And what will the legion say when they find we’ve been harbouring fugitives?”

Taeil turned with a look of shock in his eyes. “We serve the Living God, Donghyuck, and now he is on our doorstep. And I, for one, would like to know the truth behind the tales we’re being told. Don’t you think the people deserve the truth?”

For a long moment Donghyuck looked between Taeil and the newcomers, eyes narrow as he processed his thoughts. “Fine,” he finally spat, dropping Taeil’s hand. “Fine. Just remember, the more I know the less I can say when they return. And that’ll be on you.”

Taeil smiled wearily, offering a small bow to Johnny and Jaehyun. “Come, our home is just beside the church. You’ll be safe there for the time being.”

As they stepped outside Johnny was careful to check their surroundings, only letting Jaehyun leave when he was convinced the church guard was nowhere to be found. The followed Taeil and Donghyuck through the grass to a small cottage just beside the church, ducking inside. The home was simple. One room, a small table, a small fire for keeping the space warm and preparing their meals. Jaehyun noted the bed pushed into the corner, one thin mattress to serve the both of them, one threadbare blanket.

Still, Taeil radiated a warmth that made it seem greater than any palace. “Come,” he said, motioning to the table. “Sit. How long has it been since you’ve had a proper meal?”

Jaehyun blushed as he and Johnny sat, ducking his head down as he stared at the table. “Over a week,” he said softly. “We...do well enough. Johnny is a skilled hunter. Still, sometimes there isn’t much around to be hunted.”

“We’ve survived it so far,” Johnny said, voice low. His eyes still flickered from place to place, always on the lookout. “We’re not used to hardy meals at all times a day, we do fine on meager rations.”

Donghyuck looked at them curiously. “With all the food given in offering? I would think every night was a feast for you.”

That earned a hollow laugh from Jaehyun, who merely shook his head. “No, quite the opposite. Where that food goes, I could not say. We’d be better off putting it right back on the tables of the people who offer it to me. Most of them look so hungry. I supposed some of it goes to the enlisted men, though they don’t seem to have much meat on their bones either.”

“Interesting,” Donghyuck murmured. “I’d wondered.”

Two portion of stew were set down before them, steam drifting off of them in waves. There was clearly no shortage of vegetables in this little village; the bowl was full of cabbage and turnip and carrot and leek and some meat that looked a bit like pork. Taeil hadn’t skimped, either; the bowls were filled to the brim, so much so that he had to move slowly as he placed them so as not to cause a spill. The smell was so rich and warm that Jaehyun’s mouth immediately started watering. He looked at Johnny, who merely smiled and gave a fond shake of his head. 

“I don’t know what you’re looking at me for,” he teased. “Go on.”

It felt like it had been ages since Jaehyun had eaten. That morning they’d managed to find a meagre amount of berries and some watercress, but that felt like nearly nothing at all, sticking to his ribs rather than filling his belly. The moment he dug into the stew he was filled with a warmth he hadn’t felt in heaven knows how long.

“It’s delicious,” he practically moaned, unable to be ashamed at how poor his table manners must seem. “Thank you.”

Taeil laughed softly, bringing Donghyuck a bowl before sitting down himself. “Well. I’ve given my life to serving you, I supposed a bit of food is the least I can do.”

At that Jaehyun blushed, looking down. He felt as if he ought to say something but no words came to mind.

Thankfully Johnny was there to save him, as always. “You were very eager to step in and cover for us,” he said, eyes thoughtful at he considered Taeil across the table. He gestured vaguely to Donghyuck. “Even this one, as wary of us as he seems, held his tongue when asked directly about us. The guard will have your heads if they find out you knew. Why risk it?”

Taeil stared at them thoughtfully for a moment, chin resting on his clasped hands. Jaehyun paused his ravenous eating to look between them, eyes curious.

“I’m sure you know what the church has said about you,” Taeil said softly, looking to Donghyuck, who merely looked away. “That you dragged the Divine from the cathedral in the middle of the night at sword point, forced him away from his home and his service to the people. They've created a narrative that if his grace isn't brought home soon it will be too late to save him, that you'll both be executed as heretics."

The mere idea made Jaehyun's blood boil. "Heretics," he spat. "As if we left to spread some sort of anti-church agenda. As if we aren't running for our lives."

"That doesn't answer my question," Johnny pointed out. "For all you know they're telling the truth, and I've merely got Jaehyun in my thrall. Why help?"

"Because I serve the Divine," Taeil said softly. "And if the Divine shows up on my doorstep, frightened and in need of my help, why would I turn him away?"

"There is little love for the church outside the walls of Ardent," Donghyuck said suddenly, folding his arms across his chest. "Love for the Divine, yes, but no love for the church that hides him away behind high walls and claims him as their own. They feed their own bellies and leave the people of the villages and towns outside of Ardent to rot, sit and watch as their people starve and struggle to defend themselves from monsters." He sat back, folding his arms. "So there's your answer. Taeil serves the Divine. Not the church."

Johnny looked taken aback by his candor. "And you? Who do you serve?"

Donghyuck looked to Johnny, meeting his eyes in a way so few had throughout his life. "I serve Taeil, Ser Cavalier."

"You speak so plainly," Jaehyun said, no reprimand in his voice. He rather admired it, the ease with which Donghyuck spoke.

"I've not much choice," Donghyuck muttered, looking away.

Instead of reprimanding the younger, Taeil merely reached over to touch the back of his neck with soothing fingers. This seemed to calm whatever ire had been bubbling up within Donghyuck; he sighed, closing his eyes and letting his shoulders fall, letting some of the tension drain from his body. Jaehyun watched curiously as the exchange passed between them, drinking in the affection in Taeil's eyes as he brought Donghyuck back down to earth.

"What of your story?" Taeil asked, letting his hands fall to his lap. "What drives the Living God away from the land of Ardent?"

Jaehyun looked to Johnny, who merely shrugged and encouraged him on with a wave of his hand. "The Cardinals..." Jaehyun sighed, looking down. "I must seem properly spoiled, a pet bird trying to escape a gilded cage. But there is no language that could explain the true sorrow of living under their watch." He smiled weakly as he looked up, meeting the kind gaze Taeil had set upon him. "No family. No friends but Johnny, though he has always been more than enough. My nursemaids weren't even allowed to touch me with their bare hands, so even as a child I was not allowed the comfort of companionship. My life is what the people see of it and nothing more. I spend my days sitting shrouded before people who think I can save them from themselves, all the while I have no power, no holiness with which to reach out to them."

"Jaehyun-"

"Johnny and I disagree on the state of my divinity," Jaehyun quickly amended. "He is convinced he sees something that I, perhaps, do not. Nevertheless, they used me to control the people, and any time I had the audacity to think or speak on my own I was beaten just like everyone else."

Donghyuck's face had changed from one of easy dismissal to one of guarded interest. "It doesn't seem like there's much benefit to being god, then."

"My weekly excitement came from the cooks sneaking honey into my porridge," Jaehyun said with a humorless laugh. "I'm not sure how they painted my existence within their walls, but it is not one of particular excitement or joy."

"The final straw came when...when they decided to separate us," Johnny said in a hushed voice that seemed to draw all three men to lean towards him. "Jaehyun was trying to stop a Silencing when he found that they were going to send me away. I don't know where I'd end up, probably sent to some front to die, but..."

"But he's all I've ever had," Jaehyun whispered. "And I would rather spend my life on the run than accept being parted."

A hush fell over them as they all considered his words, absorbing the story between them. When Taeil spoke he was resolute.

"And this is why I chose to help you. Sometimes you don't need to know a person's story to trust that they have one." He sighed, shaking his head. "This does confirm what many suspect. Mistrust of the church has only grown over the years, I fear if something isn't done soon then people will soon turn from the faith as an act of protest."

"I mean. I wouldn't really be bothered," Jaehyun said weakly.

Taeil laughed, though it wasn't unkind. "I'm sure you wouldn't. The people need faith though, your grace. Even if it is unfounded, even if they believe in things that they don't understand, everyone needs to believe that they are loved beyond their mortal lives."

They spoke further, learning more about their new companions; Taeil had taken over as head of his church three years ago after spending some time studying in Ardent. Donghyuck had joined him not a year ago to serve, though they did not speak of how his appointment came to be or if they'd known each other prior to the assignment.

After their meal was consumed and Donghyuck had cleaned up Taeil stood, walking to a small trunk over by the mattress. "You'll need supplies," he mused, opening the container and pulling out a small pouch of worn leather. "We haven't got much money, but there should be enough to get a few things to send you away with."

"No, we couldn't," Jaehyun insisted. "We didn't come here to abuse your good will and take what little coin you have. We'll manage just fine."

"Trust me, he's not going to let it go. Might as well let us help you," Donghyuck drawled, watching with half-interest.

It was decided that Taeil would escort Johnny to purchase whatever goods they needed, allowing them to keep up the guise of penitents under a vow of silence. Jaehyun would stay behind with Donghyuck, out of sight and safe for the time being.

"We'll leave at sun-down, travel when it's dark," Johnny told Jaehyun, pulling his gloves on. "You should try to get some sleep, we don't get many opportunities for a proper rest, you know that."

Jaehyun nodded, chewing his lip. To the side he could see Taeil and Donghyuck sharing a hushed conversation, Donghyuck's hands clutching one of Taeil's between his own. Jaehyun turned back to Johnny to give them a moment of privacy. "Be careful while you're out there, please. Keep your head down. And do try not to take too long, I'll be worrying the entire time you're away."

"When are you not worrying?" Johnny teased, reaching forward to tug playfully at a lock of Jaehyun's hair. "We're safe, for the moment. Rest while you can." With that he nodded politely to Donghyuck, casting one last backward glance at Jaehyun before following Taeil into the sunlight.

Jaehyun found himself alone with Donghyuck, anxiety curling unpleasantly in his stomach.

"I suppose...I should try to sleep," he said slowly, hands fidgeting before him. "This may be my only chance for a while. I won't be in your way, would I?"

Donghyuck glanced over, raising an eyebrow. "I can't imagine you would." He motioned to their threadbare mattress, though his eyes still held the burning curiosity that made Jaehyun feel as if the man could see right through him. Instead of dwelling on it Jaehyun knelt on the mattress, laying on his side with his back to the rest of the room.

It took him quite some time to nod off. He couldn't stop thinking about the presence in the room, wondering if Donghyuck could be trusted as Taeil was. Still, he was too weary to fight the pull of sleep for too long, and halfway through his fretting he drifted off.

He woke as the sun had begun to set, shadows lengthening and casting the inside of the small cottage in shadow. Donghyuck had lit candles at some point, their fire providing a dim glow through the room. Jaehyun sat, rubbing his eyes and humming softly as he tried to pull himself fully from the confusion of slumber.

Donghyuck looked at him, tilted his head in consideration, and turned back to whatever he had bubbling in the pot on the fire.

Jaehyun wasn't sure if he should try to fill the silence, especially with the way Donghyuck showed so little interest as he moved about the room. Instead Jaehyun looked around, distracting himself by thinking of where they might go next. He wondered if they would spend another week traipsing through the woods. How far were they from Orison? Johnny said it would be a bit of a journey, but Jaehyun had no real context for what that meant. Still, no matter how long, he would press on. He would push himself as hard as he had to until they were free.

"Are the two of you lovers?"

Jaehyun's heart nearly stopped. He whirled around to look at Donghyuck with wide eyes, hand clutched to his chest. "What? How could you...what?"

Donghyuck seemed quite pleased with how he'd flustered Jaehyun. "You talk like lovers. I was curious if it was true, or if you're just so under socialized that you don't know how else to talk to people." He stood, moving to the window to grab a small bundle of herbs hanging there to dry. "It's alright if you are. It's a lot more common than the church makes it seem, the people in the outlying territories have no qualms with it."

"With...what?" Jaehyun asked, faint.

Donghyuck smiled as if acknowledging some shared secret. "You know." He carefully plucked some leaves from the sprig of greenery in his hand, fingers nimble and quick. "You can tell me, you know. I like a bit of good gossip, but I know what information not to spread."

For someone who had just woken, Jaehyun felt exhausted. "You're very candid," he sighed, sitting on the mattress with his back against the wall. "You certainly aren't afraid of the truth."

Something dark passed through Donghyuck's countenance, so quick that Jaehyun thought he might have imagined it. "You're wrong, your grace. I find honesty to be quite terrifying." He sighed, looking aside. "Still. It means something when I tell you I can be trusted, that I won't betray your confidence."

Jaehyun considered this. As much as he wanted to grip his particular truth close to his chest so no one might ever know, more than anything he felt burdened by the weight of it. Perhaps...judging by what he'd seen of Donghyuck and Taeil, perhaps there was a reason Donghyuck could be trusted with something like this.

"I love him," Jaehyun said softly, the words foreign and frightening on his tongue. "I've loved him for years, now. And I think...I know he loves me too. But it frightens me."

That seemed to puzzle Donghyuck, who moved to the bed to sit next to Jaehyun. "Why is that so frightening? That sounds like the ideal, if you ask me. Not many people manage to fall in love with the person who loves them as well. It sounds like it should be easy."

Jaehyun laughed softly. "Perhaps it would be, if he were a simple farm boy and I were anything other than what I am. If we had been raised to be...to be normal. If he didn't spend his life in servitude to me." The terror to voice his feelings was still there, but Jaehyun felt it grow smaller and smaller the longer he spoke. Donghyuck's face was honest. Almost sympathetic. It felt...nice to talk about it. "How do I know if his love is his own, or one that's been forced on him since he was a child? How do I know that I've earned his love through my own doing, and not by virtue of who I supposedly am?"

Donghyuck hummed, seeming to think this over. "I can see your predicament. Honestly, I'd worry more if you yourself weren't so concerned. I think that's enough to show your intentions, that it's something you're conscious of. Something that you'd catch, were your fears realized in any way."

He stood, laughing. "Because trust me, your grace. He'd obviously do anything for you, and that's got nothing to do with who the church says you are."

It was comforting to hear someone say such a thing, to sooth Jaehyun's fears. "You're not just saying that to make me feel better?"

"I couldn't if I wanted to," Donghyuck snorted. 

“Well. Whether or not that’s the case, thank you,” Jaehyun murmured, cheeks flooding with pink. “I’ve quite honestly only ever had Johnny to talk to, and...I couldn’t exactly go to him for this. It makes me feel a bit less crazy to hear that we’re...normal.”

“I don’t know if I’d say you’re normal,” Donghyuck teased. “You’ve ages to go before you’re normal. That, though, isn’t anything at of the ordinary.”

Jaehyun felt himself bloom under the teasing, shy smile turning into something wider and brighter. “Well you would know, wouldn’t you?”

Donghyuck laughed at the sudden change in Jaehyun’s demeanor. “And what does that mean?”

“You and your rector clearly have a particular fondness for each other,” Jaehyun said, lowering his voice as if sharing a secret with an old friend. “He touches you so freely, I was surprised at first. I thought I was imagining things until I noticed that there are two pillows on one bed.”

Donghyuck went still, eyes narrowing as he met Jaehyun’s eyes. Gone was the sudden friend from a moment before, replaced by something much more guarded. “What do you mean?”

“Taeil,” Jaehyun said, face falling in his confusion. “Are you not—”

“No,” Donghyuck said quickly, and then just as quickly raised his hand to cover his mouth, a look of fear twisting his pretty features. He lowered his hand to his chest, clearing his throat as if something were stuck inside. “What have you done…”

“What have I-what do you mean?” Jaehyun asked miserably. “I’m sorry if I’ve done something wrong.”

“No, not you,” Donghyuck spat, clearing his throat again. He coughed once, twice, three times as Jaehyun watched on in confusion, watched as Donghyuck’s breath became laboured and his face went pale. “No, it’s me. I’m not supposed to...I can’t…”

He started coughing again, great, gasping things that sent him to his knees, fingers clutching the blanket as he tried to catch his breath. Jaehyun watched with alarm as a particularly hard cough flecked his lips with blood. It began to drip from his lips, thick and syrupy and red, pooling on the bed below him as he continued to gasp and cough pitifully.

“Donghyuck,” Jaehyun gasped, heart hammering. He darted to the table, grabbing a cup and filling it with water before returning to Donghyuck’s side. “Here, drink this, it’ll help!”

Instead of taking the offered drink Donghyuck merely pushed Jaehyun’s hand away, the water spilling over the edges and down the front of Jaehyun’s shirt. Fear had him nearly paralized but he forced himself to pull Donghyuck close, rubbing a firm hand over his back and trying to sooth his trembling form.

“It’s alright, it’s going to be alright,” Jaehyun said, practically begging the universe to make it so. He felt the fabric of his shirt stick to his skin as Donghyuck coughed up another mouthful of blood, sweat beading his forehead as he let Jaehyun hold him close. “Just breathe, please breathe Donghyuck, please…”

So great was his distress that he didn’t notice the door open, didn’t see Johnny and Taeil return with arms full of parcels. He only looked up when Taeil dropped his burden in surprise, eyes wide as he took in the scene before them.

Jaehyun looked up, desperate, shaking. “Please,” he begged, tears running down his cheeks to soak the front of his already ruined shirt. “Please, I think he’s dying!”


	8. Berry and Bloodstained

Jaehyun was covered in Donghyuck’s blood.

It soaked through the fabric of his shirt, flecked across his cheek, streaked through his hair. In his panicked state all he could think to do was hold Donghyuck close against him, firmly rub a soothing hand over his skin and occasionally strike his back with firm blows as if that might dislodge whatever he was choking on. If he were choking. 

“I think he’s dying,” Jaehyun repeated, voice a desperate sob. He’d never seen someone he’d cared about in danger like this. Sure, Johnny had dispatched a few Profanes as they made attempts on Jaehyun’s life, but to see an innocent suffer in such a way?

Taeil rushed over, taking Donghyuck from Jaehyun’s arms and laying him carefully against one of the pillows at the top of the bed. “What did you say, Haechannie?” he whispered, suddenly speaking to Donghyuck as if no one else were there. “What happened?” His gaze was tender, hand gentle as he stroked Donghyuck’s sweat-drenched hair out of his face. “Sh, breath, I’m here…”

Jaehyun found himself being pulled away with a gentle persistence, suddenly held tight to Johnny’s chest. “What happened, Jaehyun?” he asked in that calm way of his, the way that made Jaehyun wonder if he was ever frightened at all. 

“I’m don’t know! We were talking, and maybe I asked a question I shouldn’t have, and he got upset and started to choke!” Jaehyun turned, hiding his face against the safety of Johnny’s chest. “I don’t know what I’ve done!”

Taeil kept his eyes focused on Donghyuck, lips curving into a sad smile. “You were trying to protect me again, weren’t you? Silly thing.” He placed his palm flat on Donghyuck’s chest, rubbing gentle circles through his soiled shirt as Donghyuck forced a rattling breath through his lips. “You know what you have to do. Don’t be afraid, nothing will happen to us.”

Jaehyun watched curiously as they spoke, shaken but how calmly Taeil seemed to be taking all of this. Great, hacking coughs seemed to rattle Donghyuck’s form, though he relaxed a bit at Taeil’s presence. It took a few tries, but after a moment he was able to force words past his lips. 

“I l-lied to you,” Donghyuck choked, blood trickling from the corner of his lips and into his hairline. “About T-Taeil and I.” He stopped, rolling onto his side, body curling in on itself as another fit overtook him. “It is what you think it is. Exactly what you think.”

Jaehyun peeked over from where he’d hidden his face against Johnny’s shoulder, watching as Donghyuck’s body tensed, and then went lax. Donghyuck took a few shuddering breaths, throat hoarse but no longer seized by his fit. 

Taeil’s eyes stayed on Donghyuck as he spoke to Jaehyun. “Will you fetch me a bowl of water and a cloth? They’ll be over there,” he said, gesturing vaguely towards the basin. Jaehyun scrambled to obey, figuring it was the least he could do. “There. You’re alright, my sunshine. See?”

It was so blessedly tender, the way he took the bowl from Jaehyun’s hand and began to clean Donghyuck of the blood that covered the lower half of his face. He carefully dabbed the mess away, rinsing the cloth again and again, until Donghyuck looked pale, but human. Soon the water in the bowl ran pink and the boy under the blood was revealed once more.

“I don’t... I’m not ashamed of you,” Donghyuck swore, sounding for all the world as if he’d swallowed broken glass. “I’m frightened for you. I never know who to trust.”

Taeil nodded, petting his hair. “I know. But my safety isn’t worth your pain.” He sighed, fetching a cup of water and helping Donghyuck drink. “Rest. I won’t move.”

Donghyuck nodded, Adam’s Apple bobbing as he forced himself to swallow. He held tight to Taeil’s hand as he curled in towards him, his weary body wasting no time on falling asleep. 

The stillness of the cottage was eerie, oppressive. It settled around them like a thick fog, heavy and obstructive. “What...was that?” Johnny asked, eyes wide. “What happened to him?”

Taeil was silent for a while, too busy watching Donghyuck rest to worry about explaining the nightmare they’d just witnessed. He gently stroked Donghyuck’s honey curls, damp with sweat and blood, petting his hair from his face with soothing hands. Every now and then he’d fuss with the blanket, tucking it tighter around Donghyuck’s sleeping form. Finally, he sighed and spoke.

“He worries about me. The rest of the world, I think he could take or leave. When it comes to me though he’ll do the most foolish things.” Taeil sighed again, bringing a hand up to rub wearily at his face. “He lied to you.”

“I gathered,” Jaehyun said weakly, the taste of distress still bitter on his tongue. “I hardly blame him, I shouldn’t have asked such a personal question. I’m...I’m still learning.” 

He should have known better. Maybe Humble was right, maybe Jaehyun was better suited as a symbol, something to be seen and never heard. He’d yet to find his voice useful for much of anything, and it’s not like he was any good with words. How was one supposed to make friends when you’d only had one of them your entire life?

“Stop fretting,” Taeil said, laughing softly. “It’s unfortunate, but he’ll be alright.” He stood, walking to the table to grab a bottle of wine waiting there. He poured out three mugs, handing one to Johnny and Jaehyun each before returning to Donghyuck’s side. 

“Donghyuck is... cursed,” he said slowly, staring sightless into his cup. “When he was a child he was blessed with the gift of honesty by someone who I assume had good intentions, but over time it’s become something different. The gift has changed. Grown with him, but not into the same hopeful blessing that once it was.” His eyes drifted back to the man sleeping before him, to the way Donghyuck seemed to turn to Taeil like a flower turned towards the sun. “He says it’s like choking on jagged rocks. Like no matter how he tries he can’t breath around the pain in his throat, can’t force the breath into his lungs.”

“And the only way to rectify it is to speak the truth,” Jaehyun murmured, hand over his heart. 

Johnny clicked his tongue, shaking his head. “Everyone is entitled to their secrets, and not everyone is owed the truth. It’s a shame that he’s been burdened with this.”

Taeil sighed, once more dabbing at Donghyuck’s face with the wet cloth as if looking for something to do with his hands. “He handles it well. He carries his honesty like a shield, using it to protect himself rather than allowing it to drag him down. Still, I worry sometimes that he would rather lash out first, lest he be wounded, rather than let people get close to him.” He swallowed hard, closing his eyes and giving a small shake of his head. “But that is the life we were given to lead. I will not complain, I have been graced with his light in my life.”

His words settled heavily over them. All Jaehyun wanted to do was burrow deeper into Johnny’s arms, but with a great effort he pulled himself away, moving to kneel at Taeil’s side.

“I am truly sorry for you suffering,” he murmured, hand shaking as he reached to take Taeil’s in his own. Despite his newfound ease of affection with Johnny, touch was still new. It felt forbidden, frightening. Still, Jaehyun held tight. “I am sorry that you must live walking on eggshells like this.”

Taeil offered a small smile, squeezing Jaehyun’s hand. “I am glad for my part in his life, no matter our troubles.”

“I can see that. It’s beautiful,” Jaehyun said, returning his smile. “And truly, Taeil, if I were gifted as they say I am, I would take this pain from him in a heartbeat. I would do anything to perform some holy miracle and remove this burden from his life.” He lowered his eyes, cheeks colouring. “Instead, all I can do is thank you for how you’ve helped us. For providing us shelter in our time of need.”

“You’re not what they say you are, Jung Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun looked up in shock as Donghyuck spoke. At some point during his little speech the boy must have woken, looking up at them with curiosity bright in his eyes. His voice was rough and low, eyes glassy as he slowly blinked them open, but there was clarity in his gaze.

Jaehyun lowered his gaze to his own hands. ‘So I’ve come to learn,” He murmured, unable to tamp down the shame that bubbled up in his chest. “I truly am sorry for it.”

“Don’t be.” Donghyuck pushed himself up so he could sit against the wall, surprisingly patient as Taeil began to fuss over him anew. He looked weary, barely able to hold himself up, but his dedication to joining the conversation was so great that it must have given him the strength. “It’s not a slight. You’re more human than they make you out to be.” His lips curled into a grin, one eyebrow lifting as he considered his words. “I was prepared to dislike you, if I’m being honest. Which I am. But you’re better than I anticipated.”

Jaehyun felt his blush burn brighter. “Well. Human is all I can truly say I am, no matter the stories.” He looked over his shoulder, catching Johnny’s eye. Standing on legs made weary with emotion he moved to the basin Taeil had collected his water from, doing his best to scrub some of the blood from his skin. “I suppose we should go. The darkness will provide better cover than the day.”

“Here, I found clothes that should fit you better,” Johnny said, moving the where he’d dropped his parcels when they’d returned. “And boots that will fit you better, these should not rub as much.”

Jaehyun offered a grateful smile, taking the packages in hand. There was nowhere to change privately, but he found himself too emotionally exhausted to be properly worried anymore as he stripped to his underclothes and pulled on a softer pair of breeches of a deep grey and a simple white shirt that seemed too large but tucked easily enough into his pants. The sleeves hung a bit too long over his fingertips so he rolled them to his elbow to keep them in place. Next he stepped into the boots, sighing as his feet slid snugly into place.

“These are perfect,” he murmured. “Thank you, Johnny.” Johnny merely blushed, offering a small nod and looking away.

“It’s near dark,” Taeil said with a frown, glancing towards the window. “Are you sure it’s safe enough to set out again?”

The laugh that bubbled in his chest was hard to tamp down, but Jaehyun just barely managed. He didn’t want to offend their new friends. “It _isn’t_ safe,” he said, standing. “I don’t think it ever will be. I fear that if we waited for the right moment, though, that it would never come.”

“The dark is safer than the light, our chances of moving unseen are better,” Johnny added. He opened a pack that he must have procured while they were out, carefully arranging whatever belongings they had acquired before returning. “Thank you again for your hospitality. For protecting us earlier.”

“It is our honour to serve the Divine,” Taeil said, so earnestly that Jaehyun could feel the heat of colouring rising to his cheeks.

It didn’t help that Donghyuck stood with Taeil’s help, leaning heavily on the shorter man as he rose to see them off. “It’s an even greater honour to help a friend,” he added. Jaehyun knew that his words were true, despite the smirk playing at the corners of his lips. They had to be.

Jaehyun thought that he ought to give some grand speech, ought to offer his blessings to the couple to protect their home, their relationship. Immediately he talked himself out of it; the mere idea of it felt foolish, and what would his words actually do? What would his blessing mean? Instead he offered a smile and a bow. “If we can ever return your kindness we will, I swear it.”

“Kindness isn’t meant to be repaid. When it is, it stops being kindness,” Taeil said simply, offering a shrug. “Now go. Who knows when the guard will think to return, you must take your window of opportunity while it is open.”

“He’s right,” Johnny nodded, shouldering his pack and offering a second to Jaehyun. “Come on, Jaehyunnie.”

It felt oddly hollow, leaving the safety of the little house standing beside the little church. Jaehyun had only known Taeil and Donghyuck for the lesser part of a day and somehow they felt important, almost like...friends. He sighed and tamped down the thought, chastizing himself for growing so attached so quickly. He needn’t be so emotional, he was letting his upbringing get the better of him. There would be more people to meet, but for now they needed to forgo attachment and get themselves out of the country.

They walked silently as they saw themselves out of Saint’s Rest, feet moving quickly and quietly as they walked south beyond the village. There was a path that led easily in the direction they were traveling and they were bold enough to follow it for an hour or two before cutting into the woods, deciding once more to keep off of the main road to afford themselves a better chance of traveling without being seen. 

The new boots Jaehyun wore fit better and rubbed less, and he already found it easier to keep up as they quickly made their way through the woods. It somehow made Jaehyun feel lighter. Such a small thing to take so much hope from, but Jaehyun clung to it desperately as they traveled through the dark.

It was quite some time before they spoke again, but when a question popped into Jaehyun’s head it suddenly seemed very important that he ask it.

“Johnny,” he hummed, making sure to keep his voice low. “Is it often that two men live together as husband and wife?”

Johnny immediately tripped over a branch, going sprawling to the ground. Jaehyun gasped and moved quickly to his side, taking his hand and hoisting him back to his feet. “Are you alright?” he asked, eyes wide. He’d never seen Johnny lose his footing before, it was strange to be the one setting him back to his feet.

There seemed to be no wounds to worry over. More than anything Johnny seemed embarrassed, ducking his head and avoiding Jaehyun’s gaze. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going.” He brushed himself off before immediately picking up their steady pace, silent as though he’d forgotten Jaehyun’s question.

Jaehyun let that stand for the better part of a minute before asking again. “Did you hear my question, Johnny? Is it normal?”

He wasn’t naive. He knew well that couples could look a myriad of different ways, had heard the stories of Jongdae of the Glowing Sea and his Cavalier Minseok, though their story had ended in tragedy. Most of the rest of the stories he’d been allowed to hear had been of men and women. The few secular books he’d been allowed were usually fairy tales, sweeping romances involving daring princes rescuing helpless women in towers and other such idealistic nonsense. He would never dare to ask the fathers such a question, and up until now had been too shy to ask Johnny.

But now that he wanted to know, he _needed_ to know. It was like an itch that he couldn’t ignore.

Although Johnny seemed reluctant to scratch it for him.

“It’s normal enough,” Johnny said, words clipped, and then immediately fell silent as if that was all he had to say. Jaehyun scoffed, rushing to close the small distance Johnny had managed to put between them.

“What do you mean, normal enough?” he demanded, eyebrows knit. “What sort of answer is that? I can’t imagine it’s as simple as ‘normal enough.’ Won’t you tell me?”

Johnny stopped with a suddenness that sent Jaehyun crashing into him. “Hush, listen. Did you hear footsteps?”

Clinging to Johnny’s arm, Jaehyun went still and silent as he listened for movement around them. He could hear the sounds of nature that they’d grown so accustomed to over time—the chirp of crickets, the fluttering of the wind through the trees, an owl calling mournfully in the distance. Other than that there was no disturbance.

“I hear nothing,” he murmured, voice barely a whisper.

There was a pause, and then Johnny shrugging one shoulder. “I must have imagined it.” He immediately returned to his quick pace, falling silent as he lead Jaehyun once more through the brush and bramble.

Jaehyun frowned, watching him go for the briefest moment before scrambling along after.

The sleep Jaehyun had taken at Saint’s Rest, no matter how brief, filled him with an energy he hadn’t felt in days. They managed to put some distance between themselves and the village, walking until the sun had begun to rise, casting the world in a soft, golden pink glow. Jaehyun drank it in with greedy eyes. It hadn’t been long at all since he was imprisoned behind stone walls, his only glimpse of nature being the tall tree in the church garden. How often he’d sat under the shade of its branches, unable to fathom a world so wide and so lovely. He took in a lungful of crisp morning air, letting it out in a long sigh.

“The air is starting to turn cool,” he murmured, blinking dreamily at the trees above them. He knew that their leaves would change, had read about leaves of burning reds and oranges, and his heart fluttered at the idea of seeing it for himself. “Winter is coming.”

Johnny hummed his agreement. “We’ll be gone by then,” he said, stopping for a moment to let Jaehyun rest. “We should reach Orison in a week or two.”

“Will wherever we go be cold?” Jaehun asked, pulling out his water skin and taking a small sip. “Will we get to see the colours change?”

Johnny seemed to consider this. “If we don’t, I’ll take you somewhere new,” he said after a moment, voice low. “We’ll travel the world until you find exactly where you want to be. How does that sound?”

In lieu of an answer Jaehyun threw himself forward, wrapping his arms tight around Johnny’s neck and pulling him into a fierce embrace. The idea of traveling from place to place didn’t seem so bad, not if Johnny was there with him. “Where you want to be, too,” he insisted, gripping tight. When Johnny’s arms landed tentatively on his hips he smiled, shy but delighted. “A place we’re both happy.”

The hands on his hips moved slowly inward, inch by inch, until Johnny’s arms were tight around his waist. “I will be happy when you are free,” Johnny said, voice low. “I don’t need much else.”

They stood in each other’s embrace long enough for the morning sun to burn away the gentle fog that rolled around their feet, long enough for the sky to change from pink and purple to a bright, clear blue. Finally Jaehyun pulled away, cheeks red and smile soft. “I suppose we should continue on,” he murmured. 

“We need to find water,” Johnny agreed, and a bit of his severity from the evening before had softened. “We’ll need to refill our skins, soon.”

Jaehyun noted that his hair had gotten quite long in the past few weeks; a lock of it had fallen into Johnny’s eyes, and he reached up with tentative fingers to brush it away. “And perhaps bathe,” he sighed. “There’s still blood under my fingernails from...you know.”

They set off once more, this time strolling at a calmer pace. “Imagine, being cursed in such a way,” Johnny said, giving a small shake of his head. “We preach about honesty and the cost of lying, but I can’t imagine having your hand forced like that. Especially to be in such a relationship and not be able to protect yourself from questions.”

Jaehyun glanced at him from the corner of his eye. “So it _is_ looked down on.”

Johnny sighed, realizing he’d caught himself in the very conversation he’d tried so hard to get out of earlier. “Not so much looked down on. Not anymore, at least,” he said slowly, as if carefully choosing each word. “Everyone knows it happens and no one is surprised. Still, there are those that would use it against people. Politicize it.”

“How so?” Jaehyun asked, frowning. “How does one politicize love?” That earned him a laugh, one that only served to remind him that the world was a wide place and he knew very little of it. He grunted, elbowing Johnny lightly. “Don’t scoff. How would I know?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Johnny chuckled, holding up his hands in a placating manner. “Sometimes I forget that we haven’t shared the same experiences.” He folded his arms, looking up as he thought. “People can use anything as a tool against you, your grace. Especially if there are more of them than you. All it takes is a few well placed rumours and a scripture of verse taken out of context and suddenly you’re the villain.”

The idea made Jaehyun ill. “Scripture?”

Johnny nodded, though he seemed far away. Distant. “You’ve no idea the way you’ve been weaponized, Jaehyunnie,” he whispered. 

That hit a little too hard, sat a little too heavy at the pit of Jaehyun’s stomach. He heaved a sigh that seemed to come from the very depths of his soul, raising his palms to rub roughly at his eyes. “I know very well. Trust me, I know what I was to them. Sitting on that stupid throne...you have a lot of time to think about who you are. What you are. I saw rail-thin women with suckling babies laying down food I didn’t need. I saw families with hoards of children lay down all of the coin they had. I watched all of their offerings disappear, never to be seen again.” He shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. “I know, Johnny.”

Jaehyun could feel Johnny staring; it took everything within him not to squirm, not to show how pinned he felt by those dark, thoughtful eyes. He shook his head, heaving another sigh. “Come on. Let’s keep going.”

It seemed that Johnny understood his sudden need for silence—or, at least, for a change of topic. He allowed Jaehyun some time with his own thoughts, walking dutifully at his side. Every now and then he would pointing out some innocuous thing they encountered along their path, hoping to provide distraction. A lark trilling on a low hanging branch. A clutch of yellow toadflax swaying slightly in the breeze. Suddenly he gasped, reaching out to grab Jaehyun’s wrist and stop his movement.

Jaehyun turned, a worried tilt to his brow. “What is it? Are you alright?”

But Johnny was grinning, looking at something just to the right. “Blackberries,” he said eagerly, tugging Jaehyun over. “They’re ripe, too.”

Jaehyun followed dutifully, a bit confused but finding Johnny’s enthusiasm infectious. “Blackberries?” he repeated, studying the bush that sprawled out before them. It was low but thick, dripping with fat black berries that turned slightly pink where they connected to the vine. “What’s a blackberry?”

“Of course, you’ve barely eaten anything other than porridge and sweets,” Johnny mused, bending to one knee to pick a few berries. He passed one up to Jaehyun, smiling. “Try it. You’ll like it.”

For a moment Jaehyun simply studied it, turning it back and forth as he held it delicately between his fingers. It wasn’t that he was...picky, not really. He simply wasn’t used to eating things straight from the ground, not without them being properly washed and prepared. Still, Johnny said he would like it, and Jaehyun trusted him. He popped the berry between his lips, biting down.

A bright burst of juice flooded over his tongue, drawing a delighted hum from high in his throat. He looked at Johnny with wide eyes, the berry staining his fingertips a deep purple as he chewed and swallowed before popping the rest in his mouth. “It’s good!”

“I told you,” Johnny laughed. He rested his pack on the ground, opening it and pulling out what seemed to be a dark red kerchief. He started picking berries, piling them in the center of the fabric before folding it neatly and placing it back in the bag. “Let’s eat our fill now, it’s been a while since our last meal.”

They settled into the grass, Johnny showing Jaehyun how to find the ripest berries, the ones that tasted the sweetest. Every now and then Jaehyun would find one too sour to stomach, and Johnny would laugh at the way his face pinched in displeasure. 

The sun crept higher into the sky as they sat, lips and fingers stained with the juice of the berries, laughing as they spoke about whatever inconsequential things popped into their heads. Jaehyun basked in the warmth of Johnny’s companionship, sure that he could spend the rest of his life just like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. Thank you SO much for being patient while I struggled getting this chapter out. For those of you that don't know me on twitter, I've been pretty ill (enough that I was out of work for ten days and in and out of the doctor) so i really just didn't have the strength for hobbies. I appreciate you all sticking with me and the warm welcome back I got when I posted about chapter eight going up tonight! Love you, pals!


	9. The End of Good Fortune

Their luck was bound to run out, sooner or later.

The journey until that day had not been anything close to what Jaehyun had anticipated. It certainly hadn’t been easy (the sores on his feet and his hungry belly could attest to that) but it hadn’t been the nightmare he’d expected. While they had to keep their wits about them their days seemed almost halcyon. Day after day was spent as it ever was, basking in each other’s company, but this time with the addition of warm sunshine on their backs and the freedom to do and say as they liked.

But that sweet, meandering freedom could not last forever.

The raucous noise of a traveling party moving towards them had forced the pair deeper off of the main roads, the trees growing thick around them, the ground growing murky and damp. By the time Johnny felt they were far enough off-road water had begun to collect on the ground, mud sucking around their feet with every laboured step.

“Right into a marsh,” Johnny grunted, pulling his foot up with great effort, the ground making a hideous squelching sound as he did so. “I’m sorry, your grace.” He jumped as Jaehyun lashed out, swatting his arm with an open palm. “What was that for?”

“Don’t call me by anything other than my name,” Jaehyun insisted, eyebrows knit into a look of perfect consternation. “You’re not my servant Johnny, not anymore. You’re...you’re my companion,” he said carefully, cheeks flushing pink. “No more honorifics.”

Johnny turned, a curious look on his face that Jaehyun couldn’t quite place. It was almost...confusion. Confusion laced with concern, his lips curled into a gentle frown and his eyes studying Jaehyun’s. “What do you mean, I’m not your servant anymore?”

The question fell like a blow, a stricken look on Jaehyun’s face. “How can you ask that? We left together, Johnny. As equals. I didn’t drag you along because I needed protection, I dragged you along because…”

Jaehyun trailed off, gaze distant as he considered what he’d just said. Had he given Johnny a choice? The question had taken deep roots in his mind, always popping up at the most inopportune times to remind him of his control. Johnny, who was raised to protect and serve, who had spent his life answering to Jaehyun's every whim. Johnny, who was brought on as a protector, but had ended up a confidant, nursemaid, teacher, and whatever other role he found himself needing to fill. Once again, Jaehyun wondered how easily Johnny would be able to say no to him if he so desired. He wondered what that meant for them.

Johnny’s breathless voice pulled him from his musings. “Because why, Jaehyun? Why did you drag me along?” There was a strange look on his face, a sort of desperation for Jaehyun to finish his thought. It made something curious and hopeful flutter low in Jaehyun’s stomach.

Colour rushed to Jaehyun’s face, hot across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. He even felt his ears flush, hand lifting to rub subconsciously at the left. “Because you’re you. We’re us. We’ve always been together and we always will.” He looked to Johnny, swallowing hard. “Won’t we?”

“Of course we will,” Johnny said, a fierce sort of passion in his voice as he turned to face Jaehun head on. “I wouldn’t let anything come between us, Jaehyunnie.”

Jaehyun offered a small smile, soft and sweet, eyes bright as he met Johnny’s. In that moment he knew the decision he had to make, the path he needed to take stretching clear and golden before him. “Good. I’ve got something I need to say, and you’re going to take it the wrong way at first, but will you promise you’ll let me explain before you react?”

“Probably not,” Johnny said, honest as ever. “But I’m sure we’ll push through to the truth of it.”

Jaehun nodded, Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed hard. “Very well. Johnny I…” His very breath seemed to tremble as it slipped past his lips. “Johnny, I release you from my service.”

A stunned look twisted Johnny’s handsome features, and Jaehyun immediately knew he was jumping to all the wrong conclusions. Just as Johnny went to speak he darted forward, clapping his hands over Johnny’s parted lips. “Because you are so much more than just a servant,” he said quickly, eyes begging Johnny to understand. “Because you are my dearest friend and my closest companion, and only if I cut you loose can I be sure that you choose to be here. Freely, of your own will.” He blushed, eyes lowering as he withdrew his hand. “Because you want to be with me, and not because you feel obligated.”

Johnny was silent for far too long. He studied Jaehyun’s face closely, honey eyes dark and fathomless, and it took every ounce of strength in Jaehyun to not squirm under his gaze. When he spoke it was slow, with great purpose.

“Why is this so important to you, Jaehyun? Why now?” he asked, voice hushed as if someone in this murky swamp might overhear them. Like he wanted to protect this moment, keep it between them, small and precious and only theirs.

For the first time in his life Jaehyun felt brave. He could feel the words dancing on the tip of his tongue, ready and eager to spring forth, an overexcited babbling of _i love you_ and _i’ve always loved you_ and _i have to set you free so you can love me of your own volition_. Johnny must have seen the joy in his eyes, the worry of the last few minutes melting away as he leaned forward, reaching halfway between he and Jaehyun and then stopping as if thinking better of it.

Jaehyun parted his lips to speak, but before the words could come out he heard a rustle in the trees above. His eyes snapped up to scan the canopy above them. Where they stood the foliage was thick and oppressive, so much so that barely any light filtered to the ground below. He frowned and narrowed his eyes, trying to peer into the darkness. “What was that?”

Johnny’s response was delayed. It was clear that he was still waiting for Jaehyun to say whatever was on his mind, eyebrows knit in confusion as he slowly followed Jaehyun’s gaze above them. “What was what?”

Jaehyun waited, silent and still. Sure enough, after a few breaths, there was another soft susurrus of movement.

“There,” he whispered, stepping closer to Johnny, reaching out to clutch at his arm. “What was that?”

Silence settled between them as they watched the trees above, Johnny’s muscles going tense as he waited to hear the sound once more. Sure enough it came, traveling around the canopy in a path easily tracked by the naked eye. The branches shook, trembled, creaking and groaning as if crying out in pain, leaves rustling as something shifted from one place to another. As they watched the mysterious creature move above Johnny drew his rapier, moving to put himself between Jaehyun and any chance of danger.

“It might just be a bird,” Jaehyun tried weakly, still clinging to Johnny’s arms. He wondered when he might feel braver, when the looming threat of danger would not shake him so. 

“Birds aren’t heavy enough to shake the trees like that,” Johnny murmured back.

Slowly, as though materializing from the very darkness itself, a hand appeared. Long-fingered, gnarled, covered in a velvety looking sable fur, it seemed to be made of the shadows themselves as it slid down the trunk of the tree, gripping so tight to the bark that its clawed fingers dug trenches into the wood. Another hand came soon after, followed by long, thin arms, longer and longer and longer until they seemed impossible. Attached at the wrist were two leathery looking wings, just as midnight dark as the fur covering the limbs.

“Oh...oh no Johnny,” Jaehyun choked, clinging tighter and swaying on the spot.

As more and more of the creature came in to view Jaehyun’s heart sank deeper and deeper into the pit of his stomach. It somewhat resembled a great bat, with terrible dark eyes and an upturned snout, ears large and swivelling about as it seemed to take in its surrounding. As it made it to the ground it began crawling towards them, a grotesque mockery of real movement as it pulled itself along on those overly long arms, legs hunched and knees bent backwards.

It opened its lips, a hissing voice coming deep from within its throat, lips never moving.

“_Does it sin?_” it hissed, slowly hobbling towards them. “_Does it sin?_”

Curiously, the creature’s head seemed to swivel back and forth as if it was looking for the source of the commotion below. Slowly, ever so slowly, Johnny raised his fingers to his lips, motioning for Jaehyun to stay quiet. It took everything to silence the ragged breathes tearing themselves from trembling lips. Jaehyun pressed his mouth closed in a nervous line, eyes wide as he gave the smallest of nods.

With precise movements Johnny leaned down, eyes raking over the loam until he found something worth finding; a stone, not too large, just big enough to fit in the palm of his hand. His teeth dug into his lower lip as he hauled back, throwing it against a tree not thirty feet away. It hit its target with a loud crack, disturbing the tense silence that surrounded them.

The creature reared back, a garbled hiss falling from its lips as it stalked towards the noise. At the same time Johnny darted away from Jaehyun, giving a sharp whistle as he did so.

“Over here!”

Jaehyun wanted to gasp, wanted to moan at the foolishness of Johnny’s actions. He barely managed to clamp his hands over his mouth to silence himself.

The monster—hideous, horrible, hungry—abandoned its exploration of the tree in favour of live bait. With eerily delicate movements for the soggy terrain it spun, lunging forward to where Johnny was waiting with his rapier at the ready.

“If it’s not church guards it’s you bastards,” Johnny snarled, dancing out of the way as the creature swiped at him with a too-large hand. The blade whistled through the air, a vicious howl telling Jaehyun everything he’d needed to know about whether it had struck or not. “Can’t you let us live in peace? Or at least let us finish a bloody conversation.”

Just as before, Johnny’s feet seemed to barely touch the ground as he fought. Every time the creature lunged for him he’d spring to a new location, never showing a moment’s fear as the barest traces of daylight flashed across his blade, glinting here and there and dazzling Jaehyun’s eyes. How he could move so freely in mud so thick, Jaehyun would never know. Maybe, between the two of them, Jaehyun wasn’t the one touching divinity. Maybe it had been Johnny all along.

The creature snarled before lifting its head, bobbing slightly as it scented the air. It seemed to gurgle again, head turning in the direction of Jaehyun. “_Does it sin?_” it chattered once more, turning its trajectory, walking to the small patch of thick grass Jaehyun stood on.

Jaehyun wanted to scream. Wanted to stumble backwards, fling his arms out to protect himself. For once though, he made himself consider his actions before committing to them. It couldn’t see very well, could it? If he made any sound it would only be aiding it, giving the filthy thing a guidepost to his location.

Unfortunately, as Jaehyun found his reason, Johnny seemed to lose his.

The moment it turned to Jaehyun he seemed to lose his composure, springing over with great, loping strides. “I wasn’t done with you,” he snarled, slamming into the creatures side, sending it staggering a few feet to off course. Jaehyun yelped, immediately falling to sit and using his feet to furiously push himself out of the way.

The creature righted itself easily; easier than Johnny, whose knee had sunk too deep into the muck. Jaehyun watched in horror as the terrible thing got back onto its hands and feet, moving to Johnny with fury in its fathomless eyes. Before Jaehyun could scream in warning the creature had grabbed Johnny roughly by the bicep, hurling him against a nearby tree.

The sound was sickening. A loud crack seemed to echo through the small clearing, setting the hairs on Jaehyun’s arm on end. Worse still, the moment Johnny was incapacitated, slumped against the tree, the creature began to creep closer to his prone form.

Jaehyun dragged himself to his feet, heart racing in his chest. There was no time for thought. There was no time for fear. All he could think of was protecting Johnny from this _thing_, so intent on tearing them apart.

Heart pounding, his eyes raked over the ground for anything that might help. There, laying uselessly to the side, was Johnny's saber. With no thought beyond saving his constant companion Jaehyun darted forward, closing his fingers around the hilt.

It was warm in his grasp, still soaked through with the heat of Johnny's hand. The gentle curve of the hilt felt strange in his hand, though the guard protected him perfectly as he tightened his fingers around it.

"Alright," he whispered to himself, stepping forward. "Alright. For Johnny."

The creature seemed to pay him little mind, having found an easy meal in the limp form before him. That was well enough, since Jaehyun had absolutely no idea what he was doing. Moving on instinct alone he broke into a run, closing the short gap between them. The creature's ears twitched in his direction, and a thought struck Jaehyun like a bolt of lightning.

Its ears. So large, obviously much more sensitive to sound, based on how it gauged their movement merely by listening. They were positively huge.

Putting his entire soul into it, Jaehyun waited until he was barely four feet away before letting out a heart-rending scream.

The effect was immediate. Pained by the sudden loud noise the creature hunched down, using his hideous hands to try and covers its ears. The moment it was leaning over far enough Jaehyun brought the saber down hard, rending the creature's head clean from his neck.

It landed to the ground with a wet sound, settling into the mud.

There was no time to dwell on the death. Jaehyun made his way to Johnny's side, hands shaking as he gently touched his hair, patting his cheek. "Wake up, Johnny," he begged, voice trembling in his throat. "Wake up, it's alright, you're alright." He swallowed hard, taking in the state of Johnny's still form. There wasn't any blood, he _seemed_ to be breathing, but...oh. His leg was bent at an angle what was all wrong, turned in the most hideous way.

There was a moan, a quiet gasp, and then a hand grabbing Jaehyun's wrist.

"You're alive," Johnny said weakly, attempting to push himself up. "Jaehyunnie, you're alive."

"Don't move," Jaehyun said firmly, blinking hard to stem the flow of tears that threatened to flow from his eyes. Damn him, when would he stop letting himself become so frightened? "You're hurt badly, but...but we're safe, okay? It's dead, you did it. Just breathe."

Johnny groaned, eyebrows knit together as he fell back to the ground. “How did I...how did it…”

“Just be still,” Jaehyun choked, trying not to look at the ruined leg. “Just be still, Johnny. Rest for a moment. I’ll…”

Jaehyun fell silent, hands falling uselessly to his lap. He didn’t know what he’d do. He had no knowledge of healing, and Johnny was far too heavy for him to carry to the next town. For a moment he thought about going back for Taeil and Donghyuck, but it would take far too long to return to Saint’s Rest. He couldn’t leave Johnny alone all the while, not in the state he was in. He wouldn’t.

With gentle hands he helped Johnny sit up a bit, moving to sit cross legged behind him. He laid Johnny back down, resting his head in his lap, gently brushing his hair back from his face. “Just rest,” he whispered, mouth dry. “And when you wake up, we’ll think of something.”

Whether or not Johnny thought this was the best course of action, he didn’t seem to have it in him to argue. With a small nod his eyes slipped shut once more, and soon enough he was unconscious.

Jaehyun sat there for quite some time. He sat until the mud under them had seeped through to thoroughly soak the seat of his breeches, until the leg Johnny rested on had fallen asleep and a terrible prickling sensation moved back and forth under his skin. A restless hand stroked gently over Johnny’s hair, occasionally moving just below his nose to ensure he was still breathing. The other clung tightly to the rapier. It was still covered in blood, thick and dark, a constant reminder of the festering corpse laying nearby. 

The festering corpse that he’d killed. 

Realization started to wash over him, as cold as ice. His hands began trembling, a sick feeling filling his stomach and burning at the back of his throat. He’d killed the thing. He’d never killed anything before in his life, hands clean of any destruction, meant for lifting rather than ruining. With a small, choking sob he began to cry, turning his head to the side so his tears didn’t fall on Johnny’s face.

It felt shameful, sitting here weeping when Johnny was the one in true pain. Still, once the tears began they wouldn’t stop. In those silent moments, alone with his thoughts, Jaehyun mourned what felt like their lost chance, the nail in the coffin of their freedom. He mourned the opportunity to tell Johnny that he loved him, to have a life together. He mourned that he would never get to see the ocean with him.

He mourned so deeply, so consumed by his sorrow, that he didn’t hear the footsteps behind him until a voice called to him through his solitude.

“Sir? Are you...is your friend alright?”

With a gasp Jaehyun turned, eyes wide as he twisted his body awkwardly so as not to disturb Johnny’s sleeping form. Standing just behind him was a young man perhaps close to his own age, with raven-black hair tucked behind his ears and eyes that seemed to sparkle despite the gloom of the forest around them. He was dressed simply, though the ornate looking sword at his hip meant that he wasn’t some wandering farm boy out for a stroll in the marsh.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, voice gentle as he knelt at Jaehyun’s side. “I... I heard you scream and wanted to see if I could be of some assistance.”

Jaehyun swallowed, blinking the tears from his eyes. “We were attacked,” he managed, voice barely a whisper. “My friend...my friend is badly hurt.”

The man moved closer, kneeling beside Johnny to get a better look at his leg. He grimaced, shaking his head. “That’s a bad break. It didn’t puncture the skin though, which is always a good thing. Do you have a horse nearby? He won’t be walking on that.”

“No horse,” Jaehyun said wearily. “We’re on foot. We were traveling to Orison and had to take a route through the swamp when that...creature came for us. Johnny got stuck in the mud and...well.” He took a shuddering breath. “I fear this may be the end of our journey.”

The man nodded, eyes moving from Johnny’s broken leg to his sleeping face. Suddenly he sat up a bit, eyes going wide as he took him in. 

“What’s wrong?” Jaehyun asked quickly, heart starting a fast rhythm in his chest. “What do you see?”

The man seemed to shake himself, plastering a soothing smile back on his face. “Nothing, I apologize,” he said quickly. “I just...realized I might be able to help you. I have friends near by.” Tilting his head back, Jaehyun was startled as the man gave a loud, sharp whistle that seemed to echo through the trees. Once done he explained, “They’re hunting nearby. We can take you to safety.”

Jaehyun knew that he should be more careful, but he was so damn tired and worried sick about Johnny. He couldn’t muster the strength to be wary. “Just promise me you’re not marauders or something. I don’t have any money to give you, so you might as well just kill me now if that’s the case.”

“We’re not marauders,” he said with a laugh, shaking his head. Looking up, he watched as two more men cleared the trees to join them, standing to meet them halfway. Jaehyun swallowed hard as he took them in. One wore a lazy grin despite the carnage before him, thumbs tucked into his belt as he strolled up to meet the first man. His hair was blond, features quite handsome, but there was something odd about that smile that made Jaehyun squirm. The third had fine, almost elfen features, long, honey brown hair pulled into a messy knot at the top of his neck. He surveyed the area with a shrewd eye, lips pursed. 

“Jeno,” the smiling man greeted with a quick tip of his head. “I see you found us some new friends.”

The first—Jeno—nodded, brushing his hands off on his pants. “I had a feeling, but I wasn’t sure until I saw his face,” he said, gesturing towards Johnny. “What do you think, Renjun?”

The one with the delicate face tilted his head, offering a shrug. “You and Jaemin have been to Ardent more than I ever have, I wouldn’t be able to tell you for sure.”

That meant the third must be Jaemin. He stepped around a bit, nodding as he got a good look. “Oh, that’s absolutely him. If the face didn’t give him away, the height would. And…” He straightened, grin growing wider. “Yes! His rapier, that I absolutely recognize.”

Jaehyun swallowed hard, grip tightening on the hilt of Johnny’s saber. “What are you talking about?” he choked, his panic growing by the second. “We don’t know you, how could you know him?”

In one smooth motion Jeno drew his sword, leveling it with the hollow of Jaehyun’s throat. “I imagine plenty of people recognize the Cavalier when they see him,” he said, all traces of kindness gone as he stared down the length of his blade. “You’ll need to stand and come with us, _your Grace_.” He practically spit the words, as if they tasted bitter on his tongue. “You and I both know that you don’t know how to use that blade, so make it easier on yourself and just come along.”

Jaehyun stared up at him, eyes wide and helpless. Jeno wasn’t wrong, there was no way he’d be able to fight his way out of this; especially not against three. He could see two wicked looking daggers strapped to Jaemin’s thighs, a bow and quiver of arrows hanging from Renjun’s back. 

With a soft noise of distress he carefully slid from under Johnny, which seemed to be just enough movement to rouse him. He blinked sluggishly around the group of men for a moment before bolting upright, reaching for Jaehyun’s hand. 

“Jaehyunnie come here,” he ordered, catching his wrist and tugging urgently. “They’re Profane.”

Realization hit Jaehyun like a heavy blow to the stomach. The Profane. The group that so hated the idea of the living god that they’d sent assassin after assassin, their attempts spanning decades, spanning god after god. Jaehyun could remember a time so long ago where he’d sat still on the Rosewood Throne, a man running at him with hatred in his eyes that Jaehyun had never seen. He remembered the bright red of his blood as Johnny had slit his throat, the way it coated his bare feet, turned his stomach.

Jaehyun wasn’t sure how Johnny knew, but judging by the look on Jeno’s face, he must be right.

Jaehyun took a breath. Steadied himself. “Alright,” he nodded, still clutching the saber. “Alright. I’ll come.” He turned, smiling weakly at Johnny’s stricken expression. “We can talk to them. Make them understand. They hate me for what I am, what I represent. I hate it too, Johnny.”

He shivered, taking a step forward. “Alright. We’ll come.”

Jeno seemed surprised by the revelation, though he quickly masked it behind a stony look. “Very well. We’ve got a wagon not far from here, we can travel that way.”

Renjun took his bow from his back, drawing an arrow from the quiver. “What do we do about the Cavalier?”

“He won’t be able to walk, we’d have to carry him,” Jeno mused. “And Doyoung has only asked for the Divine. Just kill him.”

Jaehyun’s heart plummeted to his chest. That wasn’t how this was supposed to go, they agreed to come peacefully, didn’t they see that? In the space of a heartbeat he had the rapier up, hand trembling as he lifted it from his side. Instead of pointing it at any of the three he held it to his own neck, a fire stoking inside of him the likes that he had never felt before. If they died, they died together. That had been his promise.

“What the hell are you doing?” Jaemin asked, smile finally falling from his lips. “Jeno!”

Jeno watched Jaehyun with steady eyes, eyebrows knit. “Calm down. You said you would come, we’ll take you peacefully. Doyoung only wants to talk, don’t you see that?”

“If he dies then I die too,” Jaehyun spat, pressing the edge of the thin blade to his throat. “If I go, then he goes. Whatever we do, we do it together.”

“Jaehyun-”

“I told you, Johnny. I told you that I wouldn’t sacrifice you for my own freedom. We either make it together or we don’t make it at all,” Jaehyun cried, eyes bright and fierce, face dirty and hair damp from their tussle with the monster. He was sure he looked quite wild. Nothing like the god he was raised to be.

Perhaps he could be a god of war, then. 

Jeno frowned, hand steady as he lowered his own blade to the ground. “Is this worth it?” he asked, voice low. “You’re the Divine. The living god. He’s a tool. A servant. Would you die for him?”

“I would,” Jaehyun spat. “Because I love him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, my wife is so supportive and really fuels my passion for this project. Thanks, Creebs <3


	10. The Profane

The silence that followed Jaehyun’s words was so loud that it made his ears ring. In his periphery he could see Johnny’s head whip around to stare at him, could likewise feel Jaemin and Renjun’s eyes glued to where he stood. In the absence of fear he found an eerie sort of power, steadfast as he held his ground, rapier tight in his grasp.

“I’ll tell you once more,” Jaehyun said, voice low and deceptively calm. “If you want me, then you’ll have to bring him too. I haven’t come this far just to lose him. I won’t lose him.”

Jaehyun refused to lower his gaze from Jeno’s face, where something curious was happening. Something odd, something almost like understanding seemed to dawn on him. With a slow breath Jeno nodded, sheathing his sword. “Very well. Jaemin, help me carry the Cavalier-”

“Johnny,” Jaehyun insisted, still holding himself hostage. “His name is Johnny.”

Jeno let out a small sigh. “Fine. Jaemin, help me carry _Johnny_ to the cart. We’ll take them back together, and Doyoung can decide what he wants to do from there.” He turned to Jaehyun, expression grave. “We’re going to pick him up. You can lower your weapon.”

Jaehyun’s hand finally began to shake as he did so, the adrenaline slowly draining from his body. “I’m keeping it on me. I won’t raise it against you, but the moment you hurt him I’ll kill myself. Do you understand?”

“I do,” Jeno said with a nod. “Jaemin?”

Despite the confused expression on Jaemin’s face he moved to help Jeno lift Johnny from the ground, slinging one of his arms around each of their necks. Johnny couldn’t seem to help the small cry that fell from his lips as he was jostled, though he immediately grit his teeth to keep himself from making any more sound. Slowly, as two of them were burdened by the full weight of Johnny’s injured body, they made their way through the trees and past the thick, wet mud of the swampland.

The moment they hit solid ground Jaehyun spotted the promised cart, attached to two horses who seemed content to graze as they waited for something to do. The cart was simple, a rough, wooden thing on two wheels, just big enough for four of them to sit in the back as one took a small seat at the front to steer the horses. Renjun hopped into the seat, leaving Jeno and Jaemin to settle Johnny onto his back, Jaehyun following close behind.

The cart jostled and shook as Renjun put the horses into motion, teetering every now and then on its wheels, bouncing over the rough terrain. Jaehyun sat beside Johnny with the rapier still in hand, weary now that all the fight had left him.

“Jaehyun…”

Jaehyun slowly turned his head to see Johnny staring at him, a look in his eyes that Jaehyun had never seen on him before. He seemed vulnerable. Too worn to properly soothe him, Jaehyun could only lift his free hand to squeeze his shoulder.

“It’s okay, Johnny,” he murmured. “We’ll talk later, alright? I promise.”

The breath Johnny drew was ragged, shaking. He reached over with trembling fingers, taking Jaehyun’s hand in his own and holding tight. Jaehyun squeezed back, and something in his chest slotted into place, like it had been missing all this time and now was exactly where it needed to be.

There was a soft laugh from across the cart. Jaehyun looked up, lips pursing together at the wide grin Jaemin had fixed on them.

“I mean no offense, your grace,” he said quickly, though the way he said “your grace” seemed to mock him in the same way it had when Jeno said it earlier. “This just isn’t what I’d expected when I imagined finding you. This wasn’t what I thought I’d see under the veil.” He hummed, glancing at Jeno, who merely shrugged. “You’re not what I expected.”

“I keep hearing that,” Jaehyun sighed, thumb running lightly over the hilt of the sword. “What, exactly, did you expect?”

Jaemin considers the question, drawing his knees to his chest and hugging his skinny arms around them. “Someone more...demure, I suppose. A spoiled princess newly escaped from her tower. I’m sure life in the wild is quite different from the cushy life you led in the cathedral.”

The thought of his life in the cathedral being _cushy_ was so ridiculous that Jaehyun couldn’t help but laugh. He laughed until his eyes watered, tears cutting tracks through the dirt on his face. He laughed until his stomach hurt, until his breath came in wheezing pants. By the time he calmed down Jeno and Jaemin seemed stunned, and Johnny was clinging to his hand like Jaehyun might float away if he let go.

“Cushy,” he giggled, shaking his head. “Ah, I suppose I can’t blame you for not knowing, the cardinals did quite the job of making me seem well loved, didn’t they?” He sighed, shaking his head. “I can’t complain much, as I’m sure the people outside of the church had it much worse, but…” He looked up, catching Jaemin’s eye. “It was worth running away from, wasn’t it?”

That seemed to quiet Jaemin, finally wiping the smug smile from his face. Silence fell over them as they continued to ride in a direction Jaehyun could not name, too tired, too focused on holding tight to Johnny’s hand to worry about it. 

The journey was long. The sun had properly set before they reached their destination. Jaehyun’s eyes widened as they approached what appeared to be an abbey, a tall building with stone walls and a heavy wooden door to keep the world at bay. Though the trees surrounding the area were thick the moon cut through the darkness to cast everything in silvery light, making the building seem somewhat ethereal as they stopped the cart just outside a sturdy wooden gate. 

Renjun stood next to the horses, patting their flanks as they knickered and tossed their manes. He tilted his head back, giving the same sharp whistle that Jeno had given to attract them in the swamp. A few moments passed before a man leaned over the wall, arms folded on the deep red stone.

“You’re back faster than I anticipated,” he called down, head cocked to the side. “And...you have friends.”

“Open the gate, we need to see Doyoung right away,” Jeno called, no room for nonsense in his voice. Immediately the guardsman disappeared, and soon after the heavy wooden door creaked open. It was wide enough to allow the cart inside, Renjun taking the reins of the nearest horse and guiding it within.

The space was massive. Those heavy stone walls protected a spacious courtyard, in the centre of which was a large building with high windows and walls of the same stone as the perimeter. Scattered across the space there was a stable, a small orchard, various other structures that seemed to make this the perfect, self-sustaining hideout. 

“It’s so strange,” he murmured, eyes sweeping back and forth to take it all in. “These people have wanted me dead since the moment I was born, but now all I want is to see how they live.”

Johnny gave a gentle tug in his arm, hands still twined together. “Keep your wits about you,” he murmured. “No matter what they say, no matter how peacefully they behave, they’re still the enemy.” He leaned close, eyes grave. “I won’t lose you, not now.”

Jaehyun gave a small smile and an equally small nod. “I promise.” 

They clambered out of the cart, Johnny once more held by Jaemin and Jeno as they carefully brought him down. He seemed to be regaining use of the rest of his body; though his right leg was still crooked, his arms held tightly to his helpers and his left leg was able to hop along with each step. It pained Jaehyun to be even a few mere feet away, but their safety was riding on his threat. He needed to be able to act if he thought Johnny may be in danger.

They began moving towards the main building just in time for the doors to fly open, a man in a sleep shirt and trousers rolled up to his calves running out to meet them. 

_Pretty_, was Jaehyun’s first thought, struck by the way his pale skin seemed to glow in the moonlight, almond eyes wide and bright. His black hair was long, braided neatly and pulled over one shoulder. His feet were bare, hands clutching a threadbare shawl around his shoulders as he ran across the grass to meet them. He had the high cheekbones and refined features of the gentry families that lived in the houses close to the cathedral, yet he seemed to care little that blades of wet grass stuck to his feet with each step.

Jeno nearly dropped Johnny in his haste to meet him. “Doyoung!”

“Jeno,” the man called back, breaking into a wide, gummy smile that revealed straight, even teeth. “Jeno, you did it.”

Jaehyun’s heart skipped a beat, eyes wide and lips parted as he got his first real look at Doyoung the Profane.

He certainly wasn’t what Jaehyun expected, especially fawning over Jeno the way he was. He cooed and brushed Jeno’s hair back, cupping his face in his hands. “You’re all alright? No one got hurt? You did so well Jeno-yah, I’m proud of you.”

Jeno’s face turned bright red under the attention. “Honestly, we have one of the monsters to thank. I heard a scream while we were scouting the woods. When I went running to make sure no one had wandered into a demon’s nest I saw these two on the ground. The Cavalier...Johnny, had been wounded by one of the creatures.”

Doyoung’s eyes flickered to the side, where Johnny watched him with unchecked distaste. In an instant the fondness in his face turned to one of disgust, lip curling and eyebrows knit. 

“You were always the one I worried about, you know,” he said softly, voice dripping with malice. “I knew that on his own the Divine wouldn’t be able to defend himself, but with you in the picture I was always sending my men into the jaws of death. I never thought it would be so simple.” 

“Go to hell,” Johnny snarled, narrowing his eyes and baring his teeth like a cornered animal.

Doyoung snorted, turning back to Jeno. “Why did you bring him back, anyway? I only need Jaehyun, you could have left him to feed the next monster that came along.”

“We were going to kill him and be done with it,” Renjun drawled, sounding bored with all of the theatrics. “The Divine threatened to kill himself if we hurt him. We had to make a compromise.”

Jeno’s face was grave. “I think we’ve missed something important, Doyoungie.”

Slowly, a curious look on his face, Doyoung turned to face Jaehyun. He took a few steps closer, drawing his shawl tighter around him to block the chill of the night air. It was obvious from the state of him that he’d sprung out of bed to greet them, wasting little time on appearances. That, at least, Jaehyun could respect.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to meet you,” he said softly, gaze steady. “We were born to meet, Jaehyun. I have so many things to ask of you now that you’re here.” He drew a deep breath, looking to Jaemin and Renjun. “Take the two of them to a cell while Jeno tells me what happened. Don’t hurt either of them, do you understand?”

Renjun and Jaemin gave a small bow before Renjun took Jeno’s place supporting Johnny, glancing back at Jaehyun. “Are you going to come along, or would you rather stand here all night while we take him with us?” He raised an eyebrow, though there was something almost like mirth in his eyes as he asked the question. When Jaehyun quickly moved to follow, he gave a low laugh, doing his best to support Johnny despite the drastic difference between their heights.

The walk wasn’t a long one, but Johnny’s crippled state made it tricky nonetheless. Slowly they crossed the courtyard, into the main building and through what appeared to be a giant hall. It wasn’t lavishly decorated, though two great fireplaces on either side of the room kept everything warm and comfortable. The space was filled to the brim with chairs and tables; it seemed the room was meant to hold as many people as comfortably as possible.

They went through a side door and down a set of stairs, into what was most certainly a holding area. Two small cells faced each other, lit only by a few sconces on the wall, candles glowing golden but casting little light. Renjun leaned Johnny against Jaemin, grabbing the keys hanging on the wall and unlocking one of the cells.

“In,” he said, waving his hand. “I’m sure you’ll be sent for soon.”

Jaehyun sighed, entering the cell behind them without protest. What was the point? He was useless with the rapier in his hand unless threatening himself, and it’s not like Johnny would be able to step in and protect him. Besides. There was a bed in the cell. There would be food. It was better than being stuck in the woods waiting for death.

Jaemin set Johnny on the cot, rolling his shoulder a bit as if Johnny had been some great burden to carry. “Monstrously tall,” he muttered to himself, leaving the cell and pushing the iron grate shut. Renjun locked it carefully, hooking the keys to his belt.

“We’ll be back,” Jaemin called in a jovial sing-song, giving a wave as they made their way back upstairs.

Immediately Jaehyun was at Johnny’s side, eyes wide as he looked over his leg. “Is it very painful?” he asked, finally free to worry now that they were alone. “I’m afraid that if we don’t get help for it soon it will be too late. I don’t…” He sighed, rubbing his palms over his face. “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to help…”

A gentle hand touched his shoulder, drawing him out of his panicked thoughts. When he looked up he was surprised by the expression on Johnny’s face. It wasn’t pain, nor was it grief or anxiety over their current situation. Instead he seemed...dazed. Wondrous. His eyes were wide as they drank in Jaehyun’s own countenance, lips parted as he leaned a bit closer.

“What is it?” Jaehyun asked, heart fluttering. Immediately he felt foolish as he remembered his bold declaration in the woods, the sword held to his own throat. “Oh, yes. That. I’ve been trying to tell you for quite some time, to be honest,” he said, lowering his eyes to the ground as colour flooded his cheeks. “But every time I was about to say it something would pop out and try to kill us.”

Johnny’s hand, big and warm, lifted to cup his cheek. Jaehyun looked up, leaning ever so slightly into the touch. “Johnny,” he murmured. “This is why I said what I said, before we were attacked. You can’t be my servant if I want you to be...to be something else.”

“Jaehyun,” Johnny rasped, eyes bright in the darkness of the cell. “I’ve loved you since I was thirteen years old. You must...you must know that.”

The smile that graced Jaehyun’s lips was small, hopeful. “I don’t have much experience with people, Johnny. All I knew for a long time was that you kept me safe from the cardinals, I had no way of knowing what everything else meant. Then we left, and all I could do was worry that you didn’t have the free will to properly love me back. But I think, maybe…”

“Maybe what?” Johnny asked, seeming to hold his breath as he waited for Jaehyun to finish the thought.

Jaehyun laughed softly. “Maybe I’ll just have to stop worrying so much and hope for the best.”

A small, broken noise seemed to come from the back of Johnny’s throat. He licked his lips, though the rest of his body seemed frozen in place. “Jaehyun,” he whispered, desperation in his words. “Jaehyun will you...will you kiss me?”

“Johnny, your leg,” Jaehyun managed to choke out, looking at him in disbelief. “How can you think of anything but the pain?”

“Please, this is nothing,” he practically begged. “I’ve been through worse. Besides, it… perhaps it will make me feel better?”

The thought turned Jaehyun’s cheeks a vicious pink, laughing nervously. “I will, though I don’t exactly know what I’m doing.”

“Neither do I,” Johnny said eagerly, colour flooding his own cheeks and the tips of his ears. “We’ll figure it out together.”

With that he leaned in slowly, hooking his pinky gently under Jaehyun’s jaw to tilt his head up just a bit more. Jaehyun couldn’t say he wasn’t nervous; his heart seemed to pound in his chest, palms sweating where they rested against his own thighs. He’d wanted this for so very long now, and now that Johnny was within arm’s reach he was terrified that he might ruin it somehow. Say the wrong thing, do something foolish that drove Johnny away. Still, he’d promised himself he would be braver, and this was step one. Carefully, so carefully, he leaned forward to meet Johnny, eyes fluttering closed.

Every now and then when Jaehyun still lived in the cathedral he’d get his hands on a book the cardinals didn’t intend on giving him. It was never anything scandalous, nothing of the racy sort; more often than not they were books of fairytales, things that Humble and Diligence would deem too “frivolous” for the living god. They would contain sweeping romances, princesses in castles, knights in shining armour; that sort of silly thing. He’d pour over them with wide eyes, hand resting over his heart as he devoured every word.

Jaehyun knew they were made up, but they’d always filled him with a sort of hope. A blind faith that someday his own prince would wake him with a kiss, pull him from his tower and show him the world.

And here they were.

Johnny’s lips were warm. 

It was all he could focus on, the only thought his mind had room for. Johnny’s lips were warm and a bit dry, though soft and gentle as they slid against Jaehyun’s. His hands—so big, only now becoming familiar after so many years together—slid into Jaehyun’s hair, fingers tenderly running through the rich brown strands. Jaehyun thought he might melt on the spot. His heart was full to overflowing, and he realized with alarm that tears had begun to prickle at the corners of his eyes. With a small noise he leaned more fully into the kiss, desperate for more. He didn’t quite know what to do with his hands and he wasn’t sure if he was any good but that didn’t seem to matter to Johnny, who kissed like Jaehyun was his last desperate gasp of air. 

Johnny pulled away, eyes softy and fond as his thumb slid over Jaehyun’s cheek. “Jaehyun-ah,” he breathed, blinking slowly. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long.”

Jaehyun hummed, gently brushing a lock of hair out of Johnny’s eyes. “Now we must commit even more ardently to not dying along the way,” he managed to tease. Feeling bold he darted forward, stealing another quick kiss. “Come. You need to lie back, we have to be careful with your leg.”

It was almost painful to pull away, but the nagging worry over their situation was once more cutting through the dreamlike haze of their conversation. Jaehyun stood, gently helping Johnny lie back on the cot, wincing as he helped lift his leg onto the mattress. He dared not look underneath the cloth of his pants; he could not imagine it would look good, and as there was nothing he could do there would be no point in distressing either of them further.

Johnny was panting lightly as he settled back, though it was clear that he was doing his best to mask his pain for Jaehyun’s sake. “What now, I wonder? These are the people who have been trying to kill you since you were born, Jaehyun. You can’t put too much faith in conversation.”

“Conversation is all I have,” Jaehyun responded with a deep sigh. “I can’t fight our way out, and you’re in no state.” He adjusted to sit on the edge of the mattress, reaching to take Johnny’s hand in his own. “It’s our only option, I’m afraid.”

That sat in silence for a long time, letting their minds settle on the reality of their situation. More than anything Jaehyun wondered what this Doyoung might be like. Perhaps, despite everything, he would be reasonable. Perhaps he would listen to Jaehyun and believe him when he said he held no love for the church.

He let out a small huff of laughter. He always had been a dreamer, hadn’t he?

Almost an hour passed before they heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Jaehyun sat up straight, still holding Johnny’s hand in his own as he watched Jeno approach with a man he hadn’t seen before.

Jeno made no effort to greet them as he spoke to the stranger. “His leg is badly broken, though I’m not sure the true extent of it. There was too much going on before for me to get a real look.”

The stranger nodded, standing back as Jeno unlocked the door to the cell. He was much, much taller than Jeno. Almost as tall as Johnny, though a bit thinner and leaner. His eyes were soft and thoughtful, and when he met Jaehyun’s eyes he offered a fleeting smile that was gone so fast that Jaehyun thought he might have imagined it.

“Doyoung is ready to speak to you,” Jeno said, arms folded over his chest. Curiously, his sword was still sheathed. “I’ll lead you to him.”

Jaehyun was still studying the newcomer. “Who is this?”

Jeno turned his head to glance at the man beside him. “Jungwoo is our healer,” he explained. “He’s going to look at the Cav-Johnny’s leg.”

“I’m not a healer,” Jungwoo said quickly. His voice was soft and sweet, though his tone left no room for doubt. “Unfortunately I’m just the nearest thing we have.” He turned to Jaehyun, giving a small bow. “Our last healer died. Attacked by a beast while out gathering herbs. I was studying under him at the time.”

“Are you...going to fix Johnny’s leg?” Jaehyun asked warily. He knew he had no reason to trust these people, but why would they bother lying? He’d left the rapier laying on the ground, it was currently closer to Jeno than his own hand. It’s not like he had a bargaining chip anymore. 

“I’m going to do my best,” Jungwoo promised. “At the very least I can give him something to help with the pain.”

“I’m not taking anything you people give me,” Johnny murmured, voice low. He quieted as a squeeze from Jaehyun’s hand. “Jaehyun we can’t just go along with this. They want you dead, we can’t be complacent!”

Another soft squeeze. “Johnny, we’ve got no reason to lie. I’m just going to...tell the truth,” Jaehyun said wearily. “About everything. It’s all I’ve got.” He raised Johnny’s hand to his lips, brushing a gentle kiss to his knuckles. “Will you trust me?”

The shiver that passed through Johnny was visible, as was the way he softened as Jaehyun’s words. “Fine,” he murmured, swallowing hard. “Fine. Just...don’t get yourself killed, alright?”

Jaehyun laughed softly. “I’ll do my best, Ser.” Reluctant as he was to let go of Johnny’s hand, he carefully pulled free and stood from his place at the bed. 

Jeno didn’t speak as they made their way through the winding halls of the building. A thousand questions danced on the tip of Jaehyun’s tongue, but every time he took a breath to ask one he would think better of it and close his mouth with a soft snap of teeth. He had to remember not to be too trusting. It was bad enough that he had to leave Johnny with this...this Jungwoo, he had to keep his wits about him. He was walking into the den of his enemy.

Jeno seemed to have no such reservations, as it wasn’t long before he himself started speaking.

“I’m sure you aren’t keen on listening to what I say, but Doyoung is surprisingly reasonable,” he said, hand resting lightly on the bannister as they climbed a long staircase. “More than anything in life he cares for the truth. Stick to that and you’ll do well.”

Jaehyun frowned, eyebrows drawn together. “And why are you helping me? Not long ago you had a blade to my throat and you were ready to leave Johnny’s corpse for the flies. Why should I trust you?”

They turned a corner, walking down a long hallway to the final door on the right. Jeno turned, a resolute look on his face. “I thought he was your servant. That he’d be disposable to you. I didn’t think…”

Jaehyun lifted an eyebrow at his pause. “Didn’t think what?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Jeno said quickly. He turned, knocking lightly on the door. “Doyoung hyung? I have him.”

Jaehyun heard light footsteps approach before the door was pulled open, revealing Doyoung on the other side. He was still dressed in casual clothes, still wrapped in the same shawl, though his hair looked a bit more disheveled than before. He offered Jeno a small smile. “Well done, Jeno. You can leave him, I’ll take it from here.”

Jeno frowned, looking between Doyoung and Jaehyun. “All due respect hyung, but are you sure you want to be alone with him?”

“It will be fine,” Doyoung assured. “Go rest. You’ve been out for so long, I’m sure you’ve missed sleeping in a real bed.”

Though clearly reluctant to do so, Jeno gave a small bow before leaving them alone. Doyoung stepped out of the doorway, ushering Jaehyun inside. “Please, come in. Sit.”

Jaehyun took a deep breath, stepping into what must be Doyoung’s personal quarters. Though most of the space was taken by a bed, a bureau, a small basin for washing up, there was a fireplace and a small seating area with two armchairs and a table between them. Jaehyun walked over stiffly, silent as he fell into one of the chairs.

Despite his discomfort at being there, the fire was a blessing. Jaehyun was still filthy from their time in the marsh, his clothes slightly damp from the rain that had fallen as they had made their way to Doyoung. He resisted the urge to reach forward, to hold his chilled fingertips towards the flame.

Doyoung took the seat opposite Jaehyun, reaching forward to lift a pitcher from between them. “It’s just water, I’m afraid,” he explained, pouring two goblets and sliding one to Jaehyun. “Sometimes there’s wine with supper but it’s rare. We eat simply here, it wouldn’t do to horde any money we come across while people are starving in the streets.”

“How do I know it’s not poisoned?” Jaehun asked, hands shaking as he lifted the goblet. He was thirsty, miserably so. 

“Here.” Doyoung took the goblet, taking a sip before passing it back to Jaehyun. “It’s not poisoned. I’ve been waiting far too long to meet you, I couldn’t possibly kill you now.”

Lifting the cup to his lips, Jaehyun took a small sip. The water was crisp and cold, and he immediately began taking large mouthfuls in an attempt to slake his thirst. As soon as he’d had his fill he set the cup down, cheeks flushing pink. “I’m sorry I...haven’t had water in a bit, now.”

“No need to apologize,” Doyoung said, pouring more from the pitcher. “I expect it’s been quite the journey.”

“It has,” Jaehyun said quietly, eyes cast carefully to the fire, crackling merrily beside them. “And each new day has been more terrifying than the last. If it’s not giant creatures with horrible teeth trying to eat us it’s the church guard on our heels or young men with swords who pretend to be kind before threatening to kill the only person you care about in the world. It’s been...it’s all been very much.” 

Doyoung gave a small hum of acknowledgement, sipping from his own cup. “You know, you’re not what I—”

“I’m not what you imagined,” Jaehyun finished with a sigh. “Trust me, I know.”

There was a curious look on Doyoung’s face as he set his cup down, adjusting his shawl tighter around his shoulders. “It’s rude to interrupt people, you know,” he said, and for a moment Jaehyun saw a flash of Sister Clarity in him, reminding a tiny Jaehyun not to wipe his running nose on his sleeve when there was a perfectly good handkerchief waiting to be used. “You’re a curious thing. You seem younger than I thought. More...innocent.”

Jaehyun was mindful of his manners this time as he waited for Doyoung to finish. “I’m putting together a picture of what people thought I would be, underneath the veil,” he said slowly. “It is very different from who I truly am.”

“Well?” Doyoung prompted, raising an eyebrow. “Who are you, then?”

The question sat heavy between them as Jaehyun considered it. He knew that every answer he gave would be an important one, would help dictate he and Johnny’s fate. Whether they’d be able to flee from this place. Beyond that, he was tired of lies. Tired of hiding. He’d spent twenty-two years of his life obscured from the world, he was ready to let himself be seen.

“I’ll tell you,” he said, fidgeting with his cup as he held it close to his chest. “I’d decided already that I would tell you every truth I own, seeing as the truth may be the only thing that keeps you from killing me when you’ve heard everything you need to hear. But please, may I ask you a question first?”

Doyoung nodded, gesturing with a small wave for him to continue you.

Jaehyun drew a deep breath. “Why do you want me dead?”

For a moment Doyoung seemed taken aback by the question, eyes wide enough that Jaehyun could see the firelight dancing in their reflection. Soon his surprise melted into a look of distaste, pursing his lips as he crossed his ankles delicately.

“I would think that would be obvious,” Doyoung spat, his impeccable manners now hidden behind his anger. “You and your lot lie to the people day in and day out, tell them that you’re their only chance at redemption. At joy. You sit on a throne as they lay the fruits of their labours at your feet, their children going hungry as you and your cardinals sit fat and happy in the cathedral. You hide behind high walls while outside of Ardent the people are fighting to stay alive, trying to protect themselves from monsters and marauders and whatever other evil may come along to try and devour them.

“We do our best,” he continued, eyes moving away from Jaehyun to stare into the fire. “We try to protect the outlying cities from demons, try and provide for the families who can’t provide for themselves. And all the while you sit above them all, taking what you can and giving nothing back.” He frowned, shaking his head. “It would be immoral _not_ to despise you. To hate what you’ve done to people who already have barely anything to your name. _False god._”

It was funny, the way his words landed like blows. The longer he spoke the more Jaehyun thought he might cry. It was all so _unfair_. He’d never gotten the chance to decide who he would be, how the world might perceive him. Everything had been decided for him a long time ago. 

“Well, thank you for your honesty, I suppose,” he said, voice stuck in his throat. 

Doyoung tilted his head, hand lifting to play with the end of his braid. “That seems to upset you.”

Lifting his hand, Jaehyun delicately wiped at the corners of his eyes. “It does. It upsets me because it would be foolish to whine and say none of this is my fault, because maybe if I had been braver sooner then I could have...I don’t know. Helped people. Fought back. But I didn’t, so maybe you have a right to despise me.”

“Curious,” Doyoung murmured softly. “Why don’t you tell me who you really are, then? Tell me everything I don’t know. Help me understand who you really are.”

Jaehyun gave a small nod. He felt like he was falling, had been falling for days, and now he could see the ground approaching at an uncontrollable speed.

He took a breath, braced for impact, and told the truth.

-

By the time Jaehyun was returned to their cell the sun was beginning to rise, pink rays of daylight reaching in through the high windows of the main hall as he trudged wearily through.

“Jungwoo should be waiting for us,” Doyoung said, walking confidently through the halls despite the way weariness obviously clung to his limbs. It had been a long night of revelations for both of them. “I’m told the break is bad?”

“Legs...shouldn’t bend in that direction, as far as I know,” Jaehyun sighed, biting back a yawn. He felt dead on his feet. Hours of spilling his life and legacy through trembling lips had left him feeling hollow, wrung far too thin and ready for a proper night’s sleep. He may have earned Doyoung’s begrudging trust, but everything still felt like it was balanced on a knife’s edge.

True to Doyoung’s word, Jungwoo stood ready when they reached the cells underneath the abbey. Jaehyun rushed in, heart steadying at the sight of Johnny sleeping peacefully on the small cot. It was the first time in quite a while that he seemed truly free of worry, which led Jaehyun to believe that his slumber was most likely medically induced.

“The break is bad, Doyoung,” Jungwoo said gently. “I hate to say it, but this is beyond my skill. I’ve given him something for the pain, something else to help him sleep, but we’re going to need to reach out to a proper healer.”

Doyoung nodded, watching closely as Jaehyun rushed to Johnny’s side. “I’ll send a messenger to Taeyong in the morning. When the Cavalier wakes we’ll put them in a proper room, I’ll meet with Jeno tomorrow to figure out our next steps.” 

It was obvious that Jungwoo had questions, but he kept them for himself. “Shall I...lock them in?”

Doyoung sighed, lifting his hands to massage his temple. “No. Leave them. It’s not like they could get far anyway, not with his leg in the shape that it’s in.” He turned back to Jaehyun, giving a small nod. “We’ll have better accommodations for you once everyone is awake. Will this suffice for a little while longer?”

Jaehyun looked up from Johnny, eyes wide. “Mm? Oh, yes. This will be fine. It’s much better than what we’re used to, anyway.”

“Very well. I’ll send someone down in a while to check on you.” Doyoung caught Jungwoo’s eye, nodding his head to the stairs. Obediently Jungwoo followed, a thousand questions on his face that he seemed reluctant to ask as they disappeared upstairs.

And then, once more, they were alone.

Jaehyun’s limbs felt weary as he sat beside the cot, taking Johnny’s hand in his own and lacing their fingers together. The conversation had...not gone how he’d expected. Much to his surprise Doyoung had listened patiently, never interrupting, only nodding on occasion when Jaehyun confirmed some suspicion of his regarding the church and the behaviour of the cardinals. 

_Suppose I were to ask you how to enter the cathedral_, he’d asked, dark eyes taking in every expression, every minute shift or change of position as Jaehyun spoke. _Would you tell me?_

Jaehyun assured Doyoung that he would. Had sworn to tell him anything he wanted to know.

_And if we went in the night, cut the throat of every sanctified man we could find? Do you feel so little loyalty to the men that raised you?_

Jaehyun told Doyoung that he was loyal to few, and that the fathers had not made it to that short list. That no man who would remove the tongue of a child in his name deserved his protection. That all he wanted, all he’d ever wanted, was to be free.

The Profane was certainly not what Jaehyun had been expecting. From the stories he knew he’d certainly thought Doyoung would be some cold hearted killer, hungrily grasping for power despite the cost. What he found instead was a prim, somewhat fussy man not much older than he was, desperate to cut off the head of the serpent that fed on the people below it. All he wanted was to protect the people that the church had forgotten. The people the church had preyed upon. And if he thought Jaehyun was part of that problem, could Jaehyun really blame him? They’d all been lied to.

With a sigh he lowered himself to lay on the cold stone floor, staring sightlessly above him as he listened to the even sound of Johnny’s breathing. All he could do now was wait. Whoever this Taeyong was, their freedom was in his hands.


	11. Respite

“Oh mighty lord, bestow upon us your glorious presence!”

Jaehyun’s eyes went wide, cheeks turning a vicious shade of pink as he quickly carried his breakfast to the table Jaemin had hailed to him from. Judging by the look on his face Jaemin was clearly pleased with his joke, grinning brazenly up at him as Renjun hid a smile behind his hand and Jeno watched them both with a look of admonishment.

“Don’t call me that,” Jaehyun hissed in a low voice, sitting at Jeno’s side. “I don’t think Doyoung has fully decided that he trusts me yet, I don’t need him thinking I’m swanning about acting as if I own the place.”

The three days he and Johnny had spent with the Profane had been interesting, to say the least. That first night had been so fraught with emotion that Jaehyun slept all through the next day, only waking in the evening when Jungwoo had visited to check on Johnny. He’d fallen right back asleep after. 

The second day saw him testing the waters, allowing himself to wander the abbey at Johnny’s insistance. He’d wanted desperately to stay at his companion’s side, to make sure he didn’t feel lonely or abandoned in his convalescence. Johnny had looked at him with such raw honesty and said, voice low, “The whole point was getting you out. Don’t settle for a new prison just after escaping the old one.”

So Jaehyun had forced himself to go. To enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. To smile at the families who made up what he now knew to be called Sanctuary, patient in his kindness despite the mistrust they showed him. He’d even taken his dinner in the hall the evening before, sitting with Jungwoo to his left and Doyoung and Jeno before him, carefully answering every curious question they asked him about life in the cathedral and asking plenty of questions of his own.

Jaemin grinned, waving his hand dismissively. “Oh, relax. If he wanted you dead you’d be dead. He’s been waiting for you for years.”

“It’s astounding that he even took the time to listen to you,” Renjun agreed, stealing a sausage from Jaehyun’s plate and taking a bite. “He’s wanted you out of the picture for quite some time now. Up until three days ago you were his sworn enemy.”

“Doyoung has only ever wanted the truth. What’s best for the people. He just thought Jaehyun was benefitting from everything the church did,” Jeno argued, scowling at his plate as he tore a piece of bread into minuscule pieces. Jaehyun watched curiously as his ears turned pink with his agitation. Usually Jeno was more than willing to join in on their playful banter, but it seemed some topics of conversation were less acceptable than others.

“He’s been perfectly kind to me,” Jaehyun soothed in an effort to keep the peace. If given the opportunity, the three of them would bicker over anything. He could barely keep up. “It’s true, the moment he saw that I wasn’t willing to protect the cardinals I could tell he was reconsidering everything.”

Jaemin hummed, grabbing an apple from his plate and biting into it with a loud crunch. He chewed thoughtfully before asking, “Were they really that bad? All I’d ever heard was that you were their favoured child, always dressed in fine close, carried everywhere you went. To think that you were their prisoner is so different from what we’ve always thought.”

Jaehyun snorted, staring down at his plate. “Could you imagine never going anywhere on your own two feet? It’s a bloody nightmare. Besides, they well and truly hated me. They just made sure that none of my penance left scars, so that no one would ever know.” As he spoke he tightened his hands into fists, thinking back on the way the cane had felt against his palms, against the soles of his feet. The burn, the way Johnny would often have to carry him back to his room because walking was a pain too great to bear. “I’m missing a tooth in the back, did you know? I spoke back to Humble once in my life, he saw to it that I never made the same mistake twice.”

“Bastards,” Jeno muttered, shaking his head. “It just makes it worse, you know? To think that they don’t actually believe in the bullshit they spew. They’d still be awful if they did, but at least they would have conviction.”

The group fell silent, each of them lost in some personal train of thought as they continued on with their meal. Jaehyun picked and nibbled at his plate, finding the food too much on a stomach used to nothing more than porridge, thin soups, and the occasionally honey roll. The bread was good; it was simple and plain, easy to take small bites and force them down. He couldn’t abide the rest though. The cheese was too heavy, the sausages too greasy, and every bite seemed to turn his stomach. With a sigh he gave up, rising and taking his plate with him.

“Where are you off to today?” Renjun asked, looking up as Jaehyun made to leave.

“For now I’m off to make sure Johnny’s eaten,” Jaehyun offered with a smile. “From there, who knows?” 

“The offer still stands, to teach you how to shoot,” Jeno said eagerly. “It’ll be fun!”

Jaehyun laughed at his eagerness. In the past few days Jeno seemed to take an honest delight in introducing Jaehyun to The Ways of the World, bless him. With a polite nod he left them to their meal, making his way through the crowd gathered in the dining hall and towards the infirmary.

Sanctuary had been a great abbey, once. Home to a group of monks that took their penance far too seriously, one by one they’d been lost as the wounds they inflicted upon themselves as they turned to infection, until the building stood empty. Over time it had seen its share of marauders and thieves, groups of rogues desperate for any sort of shelter. Then the Profane came.

They’d been young then; nothing more than a fledgling group of revolutionaries, to hear Doyoung tell the tale. Their leader had been a woman named Joohyun. She’d bled her hands to the bone putting the abbey back together, and once it was in good condition she’d set out to offer shelter to the families displaced by demons. Somewhere along the line the Profane had decided that the truest enemy of the people was the church, and everything had changed from there. Blood was shed. People died on both sides, lost to a cause that didn’t understand the true nature of what they were fighting. 

Jaehyun sighed, turning it all over and over in his head as he walked through sunlit hallways towards where Johnny lie in wait. Everyone was the hero of the story when telling their own tale, Jaehyun never quite knew who to believe.

But no, that wasn’t true. Jaehyun could trust Johnny.

Jaehyun smiled as he thought of his companion, pressing his lips together tightly as he tried to subdue the foolish look of affection that came over him. He could put his faith in Johnny, that much he knew. They’d shared the same traumas, heard the same lies, escaped together. They’d experienced trial by trial and had only become stronger for it. If he could trust no one else he could trust the man he loved, and perhaps that was all he needed.

“What are you smiling about?”

Jaehyun blushed as he walked into the sick room, setting the plate of food on the small table next to the bed. He immediately went about straightening the blankets, making sure Johnny was tucked in and comfortable. “I wasn’t, stop being nosy,” he pretended to chide, helping Johnny sit up a bit. “How do you feel?”

“Ready to cut my damned leg off at the knee,” Johnny muttered, shrugging one shoulder. He carried the pain well, but he still carried it. Jaehyun could see the weariness tugging at the corners of his mouth, the exhaustion in his eyes from trying to fight the drowsiness brought on by the medicines Jungwoo fed him. Beyond that, Jaehyun worried that he was lonely. He may have been the one to insist Jaehyun go explore the abbey, but that didn’t necessarily mean he was happy to see him go.

Jaehyun sat on the edge of the bed, reaching forward to stroke his cheek. It still felt so novel to touch Johnny freely like that, even more so to see Johnny melt and lean into his touch.

“It won’t be long,” he said gently, resting the plate in Johnny’s lap. “Just a few more days and they’ll be taking us to the healer. Jungwoo says that this Taeyong can fix anything, I know he’ll be able to set your leg right.”

Johnny gave a small nod, starting on his meal. He took a bite of the bread, sighing happily. He apparently had no qualms with the sudden change in their eating habits, at least. “And why must we wait?”

It felt good to watch him eat. Johnny had spent so long fussing over Jaehyun, it was nice to return the favour. He may be wounded, he may be in pain, but he was still safe. That was all Jaehyun could ask for. “The messenger said his husband was traveling, he won’t see anyone when he’s alone. Prefers the protection.”

Johnny looked up, quirking an eyebrow. “Husband?”

“I suppose,” Jaehyun repeated, a small smile playing at the edge of his lips. “There are more like us than we realized.”

“I suppose,” Johnny mimicked, hiding his grin by taking another large bite. He ate a healthy amount before setting his plate to the side, taking Jaehyun’s hand. “Lie with me for a bit? I’m sure you have adventures to go on, but you can spare a moment for your poor, wounded Cavalier.”

Jaehyun snorted, rolling his eyes despite how easily he let Johnny pull him close. Even laying on the opposite side he was careful of Johnny’s leg, making sure not to jostle it too much as he let Johnny pull him close. “You were the one who insisted, you know. I was going to sit by your bedside until week’s end. I would have worn a black veil and wept over you and everything.”

“I know,” Johnny said with a huff of laughter, kissing the top of Jaehyun’s head. He kept Jaehyun nestled against his chest, their bodies so perfectly made to fit together. “The whole point was to get you out of your tower, I’m not going to immediately lock you up in another.” His hand was firm as it swept along Jaehyun’s back, comforting and sweet. “They’re being kind to you?”

It was the same question, every day. Jaehyun couldn’t imagine how Johnny must feel about this sudden shift in dynamic; for so long his sole purpose in life was to ensure Jaehyun’s safety, to make sure he was happy and healthy and whole. Now he had to watch Jaehyun walk out the door again and again, secure in his knowledge that Jaehyun would return to him each night, but afraid of all the perils that he may face along the way.

Jaehyun tilted his head up, letting his lips brush lightly over Johnny’s cheek. “Perfectly kind, in their own strange ways,” he assured, letting one hand drift up to stroke through Johnny’s hair. Each day it grew longer and longer, Johnny had taken to tying it up to keep it out of his face. “Jeno has been lovely, actually. Jaemin and Renjun are a bit boisterous, but I have no real complaints.”

“And Doyoung?” Johnny asked, eyes fluttering shut as he let himself be lulled by Jaehyun’s touch.

“He seems to have no qualms with me now,” Jaehyun assured, face still nuzzled against Johnny’s cheek. Every time he came to visit it was like he couldn’t pull away, like there was some unstoppable force drawing their bodies close together. “I think Jeno has played a fair part in that, bless him. Doyoung takes Jeno’s word quite seriously.”

Johnny snorted, clearly trying to fight back a grin. “I’m sure he does.”

“And what does that mean?” Jaehyun asked, raising an eyebrow. He was able to hold the face for barely a moment before they both started laughing. “Jungwoo says the only people who don’t realize are Doyoung and Jeno themselves.”

“Sometimes it takes a while, I suppose,” Johnny agreed. “Now enough about them, kiss me and help me forget the pain I’m in.”

Jaehyun laughed softly, pressing another fleeting kiss to Johnny’s cheek. “Like that?” he hummed, letting his hand rest lightly on Johnny’s chest. He could feel his heartbeat, rabbit fast, against his palm. “Or is there something else you’d like?”

“Don’t be a flirt,” Johnny said with a lazy grin, turning his head to nuzzle his nose against Jaehyun’s. “You used to be so well behaved.”

“Didn’t you know?” Jaehyun asked, tapping his fingertips lightly in rhythm with Johnny’s heartbeat. “All the best gods are terribly wicked.”

He leaned in, finally giving Johnny what he wanted in the form of a lingering kiss pressed to the corner of his mouth. It amazed him how natural this already felt. A mere three days and it was as if they’d been kissing forever, though their movements were still a bit clumsy as they learned to do it properly. Perhaps it came from a life of being touch-starved and alone. Perhaps it was fate, a sort of destiny that made it so easy to fall into each other like this. Perhaps they were just lucky. All Jaehyun knew was that, after an entire life without Johnny’s kisses, he had lots of lost time to make up for.

Besides, he was a new Jaehyun. A bolder Jaehyun, who had slain a monster to save his love, who had taken himself hostage to negotiate their safety. He was a Jaehyun that had freed himself from bondage, had braved the wilds to get as far from his captors as possible. What was a kiss, after all that?

(_It was more, so much more than everything he’d ever been through. It was everything._)

“I can hear you thinking,” Johnny hummed, pressing a kiss to the tip of Jaehyun’s nose. “What are you thinking about?”

Jaehyun smiled, tilting his head up to capture Johnny’s lips once more. “How easy it is to kiss you,” he sighed, eyes fluttering shut. “It should feel inappropriate, at the very least. To be lying here like this, together. But I don’t care. I finally have you, and I’ll never let you go.”

The sound Johnny made sounded a bit like a gasp, though there was a chance Johnny was laughing at him. Instead of wondering over it Jaehyun curved his hand over Johnny’s jaw, holding him in place as he went in for another kiss.

It was deeper this time. As their mouths found how they fit Johnny slid an arm around Jaehyun’s waist, splaying over his lower back, the warmth of his palm seeping into Jaehyun’s skin. Jaehyun couldn’t help the soft noise that escaped his throat at his touch, like a wild animal darting from its cage. A simple hand on his back over his shirt and his head was spinning. What might it be like to feel Johnny’s hand against his bare skin, pressed to a place so intimate, a place always hidden away under layers of fabric? What if his own hand found its way to new and unexplored parts of Johnny’s body, to take what was hidden there as if it was always meant for him?

His hand slid down from Johnny’s jaw to once more rest over his shirt, feeling the race of his heart as they stole the breath from each other’s lungs. After a few moments, as careful and precise as Jaehyun could manage to be, he crept his fingers over to just barely rest under the collar of Johnny’s shirt.

The effect of so small a movement was immediate. Johnny drew in a sharp breath, hand clenching reflexively, his nails dragging lightly over Jaehyun’s back. Jaehyun shivered so violently that he had to pull away, heat flooding his cheeks.

“Oh. Um.” Jaehyun quickly turned away, lifting his hand to his mouth to hide his breathless laugh. “I should let you rest, Jungwoo will be back soon to check on you.”

Johnny, looking particularly strained, only gave a small nod.

“I’ll be back with supper later,” Jaehyun assured quickly. He darted in, stealing one more kiss before seeing himself quickly from the room. He couldn’t hide the giddy smile on his face as he went.

-

Day four started off uneventfully. Jaehyun rose with the sun, sliding out from under Johnny’s arm to clean his teeth and wash up in the basin of water that must have been left for them not too long ago. He changed into a fresh pair of trousers and a simple green tunic, grabbing the woolen cloak Doyoung had lent him and pulling it around his shoulders. The air was turning crisp as the days passed; he found more and more that he needed to layer his clothing, so unused to being outside long enough for any sort of chill to really affect him.

Moving back to the bed, he knelt down to kiss Johnny’s cheek. “Good morning, Ser…”

Johnny gave a soft grunt, face scrunching up as he was roused. “Mm?”

“You don’t have to wake up, you still need the extra rest,” Jaehyun whispered, stroking his cheek. “I’m going out for a wander.”

Johnny cracked one eye open, studying Jaehyun for a moment before he gave a small nod. “Mhm.”

Jaehyun laughed, pressing another kiss to his warm skin. “Sleep well. I’ll be back.”

Sanctuary was just coming to life around him as Jaehyun left the twisting halls for the common areas, families leaving the dormitories to set about on their daily tasks. Children, clearly much faster to wake in the morning than their yawning parents, laughed and called to each other in clear, bright tones as they darted around the dining hall playing whatever games children played. Jaehyun watched with a fond amusement, letting himself be lost in their antics for a moment before continuing on his journey.

He let himself roam until he saw a familiar face in Doyoung and Jungwoo, on their way to the small grove of apple trees that grew near the west wall.

“Doyoung!” Jaehyun waved his arm before jogging over, pulling his cloak tighter around him as the autumn wind nipped at his cheeks. “Where are you going? Can I help with anything?”

Doyoung shot him an amused smile, folding his arms. “We’re picking apples, Lady Song promised to make tarts this morning if we helped. Of course you can come.”

Jaehyun smiled as he caught up, nodding politely to Jungwoo who grinned and bowed in return. “I’ve never hard a tart before,” Jaehyun said as they resumed their journey to the thin copse of trees, breath puffing out before them with each breath. “Actually, I’ve never had any of the food I’ve eaten here before. Except the porridge, I had porridge every day.”

“Meanwhile we only eat porridge when stores are low on everything else,” Jungwoo muses. “What did they feed you for your other meals?”

“Other meals? There was just the one other,” Jaehyun replied. “I’d wake, eat porridge for breakfast, sit in on mass, accept offering, depending on the day I’d take penance, go to the library to study or work on my gospels, have broth and bread for dinner, and then return to my room for the night. Oh! And once a week there was procession,” he added with a shrug.

“That sounds...stifling,” Doyoung muttered as they reached the trees. “I’m guessing you’ve never picked an apple before?” He gave a short laugh when Jaehyun shook his head, though it wasn’t unkind. “It’s not hard. Just look for the ones that are this colour.” He reached up, taking an apple in his palm and easily twisting the fruit off of the tree. It’s flesh was a blend of yellows and pinks, perfect and round where it sat in Doyoung’s palm. “We’ll have to pick quite a few, though if we somehow end up with too many we can make cider later.”

“Cider,” Jungwoo breathed happily. He reached up, starting to pluck the prettiest fruits from the branches, dropping them in his basket. “How do you find Sanctuary so far, Jaehyun?”

It took a moment for Jaehyun to answer. He was too busy looking around for the apples that looked most like the one Doyoung had chosen, a look of concentration on his face. “Mm? Oh, it’s been wonderful. Better than I could have ever imagined.” Finally he found a specimen that suited his high standards, twisting it off of the branch. There was a strange delight in the action as he dropped it into Doyoung’s basket, a sense of accomplishment that washed over him after so simple a task. “I do wish Johnny could enjoy it like I have, but I’m comforted knowing that your healer will see him soon.”

“Not _our_ healer,” Doyoung laughed. “He’d have a fit to hear you call him such.”

“Does he not support the Profane?” Jaehyun asked, eyebrows raised as he began his search anew.

Meanwhile Doyoung and Jungwoo had already plucked a good amount, their baskets beginning to fill. The scent was intoxicating. The apples smelled crisp and sweet, Jaehyun’s mouth watering more and more with each passing moment. “No, he thinks we’re troublemakers,” Doyoung said, clearly amused. “He cares about people, individuals, but he has no interest in groups. He cares little for the Profane, dispises the church, but feels obligated to any person that comes to him for aid.”

“And his husband?” Jaehyun asked, glancing over his shoulder towards them.

“Loyal to Taeyong, mostly,” Jungwoo said. “He hates the church more than even we do, but I suppose he has the right.” He grabbed his basket, looking for a new spot on the other side of the tree. “He’s friendly, though. I’ve never seen someone smile as much as he does.”

Jaehyun dearly hoped that their hatred of the church did not flavour their desire to help Johnny. After all, no one hated the cathedral and the cardinals and everything they stood for more than Jaehyun himself. Hadn't they spent the last few weeks running, hunted down as they desperately sought out freedom?

Jungwoo, always so perfectly kind, must have noticed Jaehyun's silence. "Let's talk about something else," he said gently, watching with a fondness Jaehyun wasn't used to as Jaehyun hunted down for his next perfect apple. "What are your plans for the rest of the day?"

"I'm not sure," Jaehyun said, adding to their growing collection. He was moving faster now, wasting less time being fussy over his selections before picking each fruit and adding it to a basket. "I sat for some time watching Jeno and Jaemin making arrows yesterday, Jeno offered to show me how to shoot today if I so desired. I might take him up on his offer."

Doyoung's head whipped around so quickly that for a moment Jaehyun worried that it might snap right off of his neck. "He did?"

There was a look in his eyes that Jaehyun couldn't recognize, though he was sure it wasn't a pleasant one. "He...did. Is that alright?" he asked gently, holding an apple with both hands as if it might protect him from the perturbed expression pointed in his direction.

Just when the tension began to feel too thick Jungwoo burst out into joyful laughter, lobbing an apple at Doyoung. He hit him square in the chest, bouncing off and falling to the ground below. "Wipe that sour look off of your face, Doyoungie. You're going to give poor Jaehyun a heart attack."

Doyoung quickly recovered, schooling his features until they were as smooth and calm as the surface of a lake on a windless day. "I've no idea what you mean," he sniffed, going back to picking. "I didn't have a look."

"Did too," Jungwoo sang. "You're doing this to yourself you know, it's no one's fault but your own."

"Have I missed something important?" Jaehyun asked weakly, looking between them. "What's Doyoung doing to himself? Am I in trouble or not?"

Doyoung huffed out a breath, shaking his head. "Of course you're not in trouble, don't be ridiculous. And Jungwoo, don't you dare say another word," he warned, wagging his finger imperiously.

From the looks of it, Jungwoo didn't take well to being told what to do. He sniffed, turning his nose up at Doyoung's words. "I'd have less to say if you weren't so foolish about this Jeno business," he scoffed, picking apples as if he cared little for Doyoung's mood. "Jaehyun, those two have been dancing around each other for a full bloody year now. Jeno is clearly tripping over himself to be in Doyoung's presence all the time, and Doyoung hardly ever smiles for anyone else. But he's got it in his stubborn head that he can't have nice things, so he tries to distance himself, which only hurts the both of them, and then the rest of us have to deal with the fallout."

Jungwoo sighs, expression softening. "Every now and then they'll fall into each other like they're starved to death, and the next morning pretend like nothing ever happened. It can't be healthy."

Jaehyun's eyes grew wider with every word spoken. Jungwoo was awfully brazen in the presence of the leader of the Profane. The outburst that he expected in return for it, though, did not come. Instead Doyoung looked...sad. Sullen. A bit lost.

"I can't do that to him, Woo. He feels indebted to me. He always has. I can't put him in a position where he feels obligated to be with me," he murmured, eyes a bit distant.

Jaehyun frowned, leaning against the tree he'd been working under. "I've heard all this before."

Doyoung looked up, eyebrows drawn together. "What?"

"I've heard this before," Jaehyun repeated, folding his arms. "From myself."

Doyoung looked at him with a steady gaze, something tight and unreadable in his eyes. He didn't interrupt, and thankfully didn't try to argue the point. Jaehyun, emboldened, pressed on.

"The farther we traveled from Ardent the more I suspected Johnny's feelings for me," he explained, letting himself recall the raw vulnerability of what he'd felt at the time. "It got to the point where it couldn't be ignored, I'd have to be a fool to think his feelings towards me were merely those of a friend. The longer I sat with that knowledge the more I realized that he might have little choice but to be utterly devoted to me, having been my servant and protector from a young age."

"What did you do?" Doyoung asked, having abandoned his task to stare at Jaehyun with such a heartbreaking longing in his eyes that Jaehyun had to look away. "How did you break that bond so you could build a new one?"

Jaehyun looked to his feet, laughing softly. "I didn't. I don't think there's a way to do such a thing, not with our history together, our bond. I formally released him from my service, but what do those words do? Little, really, in the face of all the time we've spent together." He looked at the apple in his hand, studying it for a moment before lifting it to his lips to take a bite. The flesh was sweet, tart, and he couldn’t help but moan as he swallowed it down. “I decided to trust him. To trust that he knows his desires better than I do, that he’s man enough to know what he wants.”

There was a flurry of noise in the distance. Jaehyun looked up to see the usual trio of Jaemin, Renjun and Jeno coming out of the abbey, laughing and wrestling and carrying on as if they didn’t have a care in the world. Jaehyun smiled softly. "Jeno is a man, Doyoung. He's not a child that needs your protecting. What's more, he's never been your servant or slave. He's a man who follows you because he believes in you, and because he loves you." 

He lifted his voice across the abbey grounds, waving his hand. "Hey! You lot! Over here!"

Jeno turned, his smile obvious from even so far a distance away as they changed their path to join Doyoung, Jungwoo, and Jaehyun. Halfway to them Jeno broke into a run, which became a race that ended in Renjun reaching them first while the other two panted to keep up.

"What are you doing over here?" Jaemin asked, looking at their baskets on the ground. "Oh! Are we making cider?"

"And tarts," Jungwoo said with a grin. "Good morning, Jeno."

"Good morning, Woo," Jeno responded, though his eyes did not leave Doyoung. "Did you sleep well last night?"

Doyoung's hand lifted to play subconsciously with a lock of his own hair. He clearly took great pride in it, in the days since his arrival Jaehyun had seen it in a myriad of different styles, each more complicated than the last. Today he wore it down, though two thin braids were pulled back at each temple and twisted into what appeared to be some sort of complicated looking knot at the back of his head. 

"I did," he said with a small smile. That was Jeno's power over Doyoung; immediately gone was the ice-queen, the fastidious leader who barely cracked a smile. It was replaced with a younger, softer Doyoung, a boy who wanted to be loved just as anyone else did.

Jaehyun shot Jungwoo a glance and a small grin. "Come on, we'll take these baskets back to the kitchens. Jaemin, Renjun, carry them for us? We've been working so hard," he said, throwing in an exaggerated pout for good measure. For a moment it seemed as if Jaemin might argue, but a well timed look from Renjun had him scrambling to grab a basket and escorting them back to the abbey. Doyoung and Jeno barely seemed to notice as they left.

"You know, your grace, you're awfully manipulative," Jungwoo teased, grabbing the door to usher them all in.

Jaehyun snorted, waving his hand. "Spend your whole life being manipulated and you're bound to learn some things, I suppose."

-

Their time together came to a close all too quickly. Just as Jaehyun began to grow used to the hustle and bustle of Sanctuary it was time to leave, the healer in the wilds ready to treat Johnny's leg. Still, despite the melancholy of goodbye, it was a good thing. As the days progressed the likelihood of Johnny's leg healing properly grew less and less, they couldn't waste any more time.

Jaehyun watched with worried eyes as Jungwoo and Doyoung helped get Johnny dressed and out of bed, each pained noise and agonized whimper twisting in his gut. Out in the abbey yard Jeno was filling the cart with fresh straw, trying to make a comfortable place for Johnny to rest during the journey. Their packs were full of provisions and Johnny's blade had been sharpened, and the only thing left was to load into the card and go.

The trip outside was long, but soon enough Johnny was laying in the cart as Jeno checked the horses and made sure they were properly hitched.

"Jaehyun."

Jaehyun turned from his place hovering beside the cart to see Doyoung standing a ways away, beckoning him over. He leaned in to kiss Johnny's forehead before moving to join him. "Is everything alright?" Doyoung nodded, and Jaehyun realized that he looked...nervous. Shy. "Doyoung, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Doyoung said quickly, eyes wide. "I just...wanted to thank you. For being so very different than the living god we expected. For telling us enough to hopefully make a real difference in this fight."

"Oh." Jaehyun smiled, shrugging. "I'm happy to help. It was nice seeing the real Profane, not the Profane that Humble told me would snatch me away if I didn't behave and listen to the fathers when I was little. Your people do good things. You help so many. I'm grateful for it."

He looked over his shoulder to where Johnny and Jeno were conversing. "We'll have Jeno back to you in no time, I promise. He says it's not a long journey."

"It's not," Doyoung said, chewing his lip. "And you don't have to worry anyway, I've decided to join you." At Jaehyun's look of surprise he blushed, ducking his head down. "It's half a day's journey to Taeyong's home, which means it will be half a day's journey back to Sanctuary. That seems like a good amount of time for Jeno and I to have a proper talk."

Elation bubbled up in Jaehyun's chest at Doyoung's admission. It took everything in him not to clap his hands together like a small child, or to pull Doyoung into an embrace. "That's wonderful! I'll be hoping for the best. Maybe someday, once we're settled, I can send you a letter and you can write back to give me good news."

"I hope so," Doyoung said, smile rueful. "Come, we should go if we want to arrive before sunset."

With a heavy heart Jaehyun went to say his goodbyes, clasping hands with Jaemin and Renjun, letting Jungwoo pull him into a tight hug that squeezed the air out of his lungs. As he climbed into the cart and waved goodbye he could feel tears pricking behind his eyes, his breath coming in short bursts as he tried to contain his emotion.

"Thank you for everything," he called as the gates were opened and the cart started to lumber out into the forest beyond. "We won't forget your kindness!"

"Or that we tried to kill you," Jaemin said cheerfully, laughing as Jungwoo swatted at him.

"Goodbye your grace," Jungwoo called, and then the gates closed once more, and they were gone.

The emotion Jaehyun had been trying so hard to fight sat heavy in his chest, threatening to drown him with its weight. It was like Donghyuck and Taeil all over again; in a different, more perfect world, these people could be his family. He wouldn't have to leave with the knowledge that he would never see them again, as he and Johnny couldn't rest until there was an entire ocean between them and the stone walls of the Grand Cathedral of Ardent.

Just as a single tear escaped and slid down his cheek Johnny reached over, taking his hand and squeezing it firmly.

"I know," he murmured, watching Jaehyun with a heavy gaze. "I know it hurts you, I'm sorry Jaehyunnie. But we'll find our place, and our people. I promise."

Jaehyun nodded, lifting his free hand to wipe at his eyes. “I know. You’re right, of course you are. I just never thought I’d grow attached to the Profane, of all people.”

“Excuse me, I heard that,” Doyoung drawled from his seat on the bench next to Jeno, barely glancing back at them.

The ride was long, but so much less arduous than their first journey to Sanctuary had been. Jaehyun sat with Johnny’s head in his lap for most of the trip, absently stroking fingers through his long hair as he took in the scenery around them. 

He was struck again by what a new, welcome sensation it was. Being allowed to touch. Being _encouraged_ to touch. It felt like a lifetime ago that he was sitting in the room at the cathedral, dabbing a cloth over Johnny’s flayed skin as his heart beat a heavy rhythm in his chest. It had all felt so dangerous, then. Even in the cave, sleeping pressed to Johnny’s side, far from the prying eyes of the cardinals. It had been rebellion, deliberate and terrifying.

Now there was a warm comfort that settled in his chest as silken strands of dark hair slid through his fingers. Every now and then he would massage his fingertips over Johnny’s scalp, which would earn him a soft hum of pleasure as Johnny dozed lightly against his leg. The poor thing was a bit delirious from whatever Jungwoo had given him for the trip. Still, Jaehyun felt impossibly fond watching him sleep, heart full to aching.

For quite some time they traveled through damp, boggy marshland much like when they’d first been discovered. It was dark, but so very interesting to see when one wasn’t being chased by horrible monsters or youths with swords. 

Soon enough the darkness broke up into lush forest once more, midday sunlight filtering through the trees to brighten the world around them. The crisp cool of autumn only made everything more lovely, though Jaehyun often made sure Johnny was tucked in carefully under a thick woolen blanket that one of the mothers of Sanctuary had provided for them. Every time he did so Johnny would look at him with a smile equal parts weary and fond, and Jaehyun would be all but forced to lean down to steal a kiss.

Around late afternoon Jaehyun drifted off, wandering in and out of sleep as Doyoung and Jeno spoke in low tones behind him. He didn’t fully rouse until he felt the cart come to a stop, sitting up and rubbing at his eyes.

They had arrived at what appeared to be a little farmhouse; it was sturdy and quaint, built from stones with a thatched roof, door painted a vivid red. In the yard to the right a group of chickens clucked and pecked at the ground, and to the left a little garden grew lush despite the oncoming cold. Jaehyun took it in with wide eyes, committing the place to memory. He needed to remember this for a time long in the future when they’d—hopefully—be building a home of their own. 

Jeno hopped down from his seat, offering Doyoung a hand before beckoning Jaehyun to follow. 

“Johnny, we’ll come for you in a moment,” Jeno called, unhitching the horses and leading them to a watering trough in the yard. “Let me see where Taeyong wants us to bring you.”

The group moved to the front door, Doyoung knocking on the painted wood and giving a sharp whistle. “Witch of the woods, let us in,” he sang, grinning.

A long minute passed as they waited, a soft voice murmuring inside, followed by footsteps. Suddenly the door was flung open and they were face to face with a man with long brown hair and a suspicious look on his face, studying them in silence. Soon after a second man appeared, peeking over his shoulder. He had a fluff of white-blond curls and an almost angelic face, and he gazed at them with a sardonic grin. 

“You know Yuta hates when you call me a witch,” the blond said, quirking an eyebrow.

Jaehyun barely heard him, too busy stumbling back so quickly that his feet caught under him, sending him falling hard on his behind. All four men turned to look at him curiously, watching as he covered his mouth with his hand, eyes wide and stunned.

“You,” he whispered, bringing his second hand to his chest as if that might calm his racing heart. “You...I’ve…” He swallowed hard, looking between the men in the doorway. “I know you.” He took a shaking breath, steeling his nerves. “I’ve dreamed about you.”


	12. Healers and Saints

Negotiating the doorway was especially tenuous, Johnny’s arms slung over Jaehyun and Doyoung’s shoulders as they made sure not to knock him into anything. They moved carefully as they followed the men into the house, through a cozy looking common area into a room in the back, filled mostly by a large wooden table in the centre. Shelves lined the walls, filled with various vials and jars, and dried herbs hung from the corners of the room. In the absence of windows all light came from a myriad of candles that cast the room in a golden glow as they dripped thick rivulets of wax down their stalks. The air smelled sickly sweet, hazy and surreal in a way that made Jaehyun wonder if he was dreaming.

“Help him onto the table,” the blond—Taeyong—instructed, patting the sturdy looking wood before stepping out of the way. With some effort they managed to do as told, though Jaehyun’s heart ached at the noises of pain that fell unbidden from Johnny’s lips as he was moved this way and that. 

“It’s almost over,” Jaehyun murmured, stroken Johnny’s sweat-slick hair from his face. “Just a little more, it won’t hurt for much longer.”

Johnny, brave, beautiful Johnny, pursed his lips and nodded, propping himself on his elbows as he settled back. “It’s nothing, I’ve been through worse,” he rasped. “Remember when that crazy old beggar woman put a dagger through my cheek?”

How could Jaehyun forget? He’d cried himself to sleep for a week afterwards. Johnny had the scar on his cheek as an eternal reminder.

Taeyong was apparently not one for wasting time. He grabbed a small pair of sheers from one of the shelves behind him, slicing up the leg of Johnny’s trousers and pulling the fabric away. With shrewd eyes he took in the horrible way that his shin was bent just below the knee, the bruising and swelling, sighing and shaking his head.

“It’s not going to be easy. For you,” he added quickly. “It won’t be hard to set the bone, but it’s not going to feel good.”

“That’s nothing new,” Johnny panted, teeth clenched together. “It’s been like this for a week now.” 

Jaehyun swallowed hard, twisting his hands together as he tried desperately to stay out of the way. “Isn’t there something you can use to help him sleep through it? Jungwoo had potions, herbs for taking some of the pain away.” The idea of Johnny having to endure a pain somehow worse than what he was already in made his stomach turn. 

Taeyong glanced up at him, eyebrow raised, before looking back to the leg. His eyes had barely lingered and yet somehow Jaehyun felt the healer had seen right through him, plucked him apart and put him back together in the space of a moment. Hadn’t Doyoung called him a witch? “Not if we want him to wake up when we’re done. What’s Woo using Doyoung, belladonna? Hemlock? He’s going to kill someone if he keeps up with it.”

“Jungwoo could use the help, his tutor was a superstitious old man and now he’s at the mercy of trying to learn on his own,” Doyoung said blandly. He gathered his hair—until that moment hanging loose around his shoulders—into a messy knot at the base of his skull. “I still think you should join us in Sanctuary, he could benefit from such a knowledgeable teacher.”

Laughing lightly, Taeyong shook his head as he continued to examine Johnny’s leg. He rested his palm over where the leg twisted, gentle but sure. “Not likely. There’s no heat, that’s a step in the right direction. The leg isn’t infected. I think our chances are good, once the hard part’s past us.”

“We should go,” Jeno offered, reaching over to lightly touch Doyoung’s elbow. “There’s not much room, we’ll give you space to work.”

Taeyong looked up warily, glancing at his companion, who still had yet to say a word. “I’m not sure. Yuta, do you think you can hold him down on your own?”

Jaehyun turned slightly, allowing himself to get a proper glance at the man standing in the doorway. It was as if he’d been afraid to look, to confirm that this was the smiling man from his dreams. While he wasn’t smiling at that moment everything else was the same; the chin length brown hair tucked behind his ears, the dark, sparkling eyes, the unmistakable jaw. He wore a simple leather vest over a white shirt tucked into his trousers, and dangling from his ear was a silver hoop that glinted in the flickering candlelight.

Jaehyun had never seen this man before in his life, but he _knew_ him.

Yuta didn’t say anything, simply shrugged one shoulder and made a face that clearly said he wasn’t sure. Taeyong sighed and turned back to Jeno. “You’re not going to like this, but I’m going to need you to stay. He’s a big one, Yuta’s going to need help holding him down.”

The look on Jeno’s face made it obvious that he wasn’t looking forward to being a part of this. Doyoung reached over, clasping a hand on his shoulder and squeezing lightly. “We’ll be fine,” he said, gentle in the way he always was when Jeno was concerned. “I’ll help too.”

Taeyong offered a fleeting smile in thanks. “Alright. Give me a moment to collect a few things, we’ll get started right away. I don’t want this to set any more than it already has.” 

He left the room, gently taking Yuta’s hand and leading him away. Jaehyun watched them go, not quite able to get his wits about him. It felt like the floor kept shifting underfoot, and it was all he could do to stay balanced.

“Jaehyun.” Johnny’s voice was low but steady, an anchor point to bring him back to solid ground. “What’s going on? What do you mean, you dreamed about them?”

Jaehyun swallowed hard, shaking his head as he tried to collect his thoughts. A small, panicked part of him debated keeping it a secret, blowing this all over somehow. He didn’t want everyone present to think he was mad. Worse yet, he didn’t need Johnny taking this as some sort of sign that he truly was sacred. Something to celebrate, rather than something to fear. He quickly silenced that voice. He wanted there to be no secrets between them, no matter how terrified Jaehyun was.

“I’ve dreamed about them,” he said again, weak and worried. His eyes were still glued on the door that Taeyong and Yuta had disappeared through, almost nervous for them to come back. “A few times now. Nothing very important, I just know I’ve seen their faces before.”

Johnny sat up quickly, eyes wide. “In a vision?”

“No,” he stammered quickly, darting a nervous glance in Doyoung’s direction. He’d just gained the trust of the Profane, he didn’t need them thinking he was suddenly trying to establish himself as being prophetic or any such nonsense. “I don’t think so. I didn’t learn anything from them, at least. I’ve just seen their faces, that’s all.”

Doyoung made a thoughtful noise, arms folded and one hip braced against the edge of the table. “Our minds can be peculiar. I’ve had the feeling before that I’ve seen or done something in the past, though I know I never have. We convince ourselves that we’ve walked paths we’ve never been down.”

“I suppose,” Jaehyun said with a thin smile. That wasn’t it, though. He _knew_ them. 

“The one doesn’t have much to say, does he?” Johnny mused, clearly changing the subject for Jaehyun’s benefit. “I don’t think he’s spoken a word since we’ve arrived.” He adjusted, grimacing as it disturbed his leg. “Strong silent type?”

No. That wasn’t right. “He won’t speak until we learn to listen,” Jaehyun said softly, gaze distant as the words from his dream came rushing back to him. He jolted slightly, eyes wide as he turned to Doyoung. “What does that mean?”

The unworried expression Doyoung wore moments before was gone as he studied Jaehyun, one eyebrow raised. The look was intense, so pointed that Jaehyun could feel it like a physical presence holding him down. “You’re sure you’ve never met Yuta before? Never noticed him in Ardent?” His sudden suspicion hurt, it felt like their carefully crafted friendship was crumbling between Jaehyun’s fingers. 

“You’ve seen him before, you must have,” Jeno offered, clearly trying to keep the peace. “Though perhaps you were very young at the time. You would have to have been there.”

“What does that mean?” Jaehyun practically begged. “Please, I’ve told you every truth I own Doyoung, you know I’m not doing this for the sake of attention, or to create some illusion of power. How could I possibly know him? I’ve never had anyone but Johnny.”

Doyoung and Jeno exchanged glances, heavy and silent. Finally Doyoung took a steadying breath, making a great show of studying the various jars that lined the walls. “Yuta was Silenced when he was thirteen,” he said, lifting his hand to gently touch a bundle of lavender hanging from the ceiling. “He can communicate, but he can’t speak. You’ll see soon enough I’m sure, he’s got plenty to say.”

Jaehyun felt dizzy. He braced himself against the table as the world shifted and moved once more, the feeling in the pit of his stomach changing from nervous wonder to guilt. 

“Jaehyun,” Johnny said firmly, grabbing his hand. “Don’t do this. It’s not your fault, this is why we left. So things like this wouldn’t happen anymore.”

“There were so many of them,’ Jaehyun choked, tears springing hot and sharp to his eyes. “Twenty-two years worth, and I couldn’t help them. Twenty-two years of children with their tongues cut out while I sat there, Johnny.”

It was just like Johnny to ignore his pain in favour of Jaehyun’s. He pushed himself closer with a grunt, wrapping his arms tight around Jaehyun and pulling him close. The embrace was a bit awkward thanks to the angle, but Jaehyun found himself clinging to Johnny all the same, hiding his face against Johnny's chest as if it might hide him from the reality of his situation.

“There were. So many,” Johnny admitted, words murmured softly into Jaehyun’s hair. “And after every single Silencing I’d watch you make yourself sick, watch Humble beat you raw if you dared to show any sort of sorrow over what was happening.” He pulled back, taking Jaehyun by the shoulders and forcing him to look Johnny in the eye. “I watched as day by day you realized the truth about what they were, how they used you. And when you knew enough you made a decision to put an end to it. Do you remember the boy the day we decided to leave? Do you remember Jisung?”

Jaehyun gave a small, miserable nod. He would never forget Jisung, the look of terror on his face as he stood before the congregation.

“Jisung is out there right now, free of their torments, because you decided to stand up from the throne. You were terrified. You didn’t know what would happen. But you stood anyway, didn’t you? And here we are, and they’ll never be able to hurt another child in your name.”

Johnny’s words sank in, like a balm to Jaehyun’s wounded soul. “You’re the one with a broken leg, why are you taking care of me?” Jaehyun asked with a tearful laugh, wiping firmly at his eyes. “This keeps happening.”

“Well. It’s not like you aren’t distracting me from what’s about to happen,” Johnny said with a rueful grin. “Besides, it’s not like we’re keeping tally, are we? We help each other when it’s necessary, that’s the point. We don’t owe each other anything.”

“And we’ll make sure people know the truth.” Doyoung’s voice was soft, and that alone lifted the remaining anxiety from Jaehyun’s chest. “You deserve to be more than a character in their charade. We’ll do our best to let the people we come across know.”

All other talk was halted by Yuta and Taeyong returning to the room, arms laden with supplies. Taeyong carried a bundle of fabrics with a bowl balanced carefully on top, eyes just barely peeking over the stack. The bowl was filled with a curious, frothy looking mixture that, from the smell of it, was at least partially wax. Yuta’s arms were full of wooden rods, which he propped against the door until needed. 

Taeyong looked at Yuta, tapping his fingertip to his lips as he thought. “I think you’re probably best holding him under the arms, don’t you?” Jaehyun watched as Yuta did something curious with his hands. It must mean something, because Taeyong nodded and went to take his place next to Johnny’s leg. “I agree. Doyoung, I’m going to need you and...sorry, what was your name?” Taeyong asked, glancing up at Jaehyun.

It took a moment to stammer a low “Jaehyun” back at him.

“Jaehyun, how could I forget,” Taeyong mused, though he offered a small, reassuring smile in return. “You and Jaehyun need to brace his weight on the other side, make sure then when I push he doesn’t go anywhere. Jeno, I need you to put all your weight down on his thigh, hold it in place. Can you do that?”

“I won’t like it, but I can do it,” Jeno said with a grimace, going to do as told. 

Taeyong lifted his scissors once more, cutting away more fabric until Johnny’s leg was all but naked. When he was ready he took a deep breath, nodding. “Alright. I won’t pretend this isn’t going to hurt, or that we all won’t have nightmares when we go to bed tonight, just...don’t let him move, alright?”

“Gods help me,” Johnny muttered, closing his eyes tight. He opened them when he felt a tap on his shoulder to see Yuta holding a small strip of leather before his mouth. With a deep breath he took the offered strap, biting down hard.

Taeyong gave a small nod to Yuta, who slipped his arms under Johnny’s armpits to cross them over his chest, fingers clasped tight. Doyoung and Jaehyun moved to hold Johnny in place on the opposite side of the broken leg, hands firm as Jeno moved to grip his thigh above where his leg had broken. Jaehyun wondered if Johnny could feel him shaking. With a deep breath he tried to steel his nerves, tried desperately to be strong for Johnny’s sake.

“I think it would be best if you all looked away,” Taeyong hummed, sounding far too calm for how quickly Jaehyun’s heart was beating. 

Rather than close his eyes Jaehyun looked up to find Johnny staring at him intently. There was no fear in his gaze, more a look of intensity, a resolve to bear this just as he’d borne everything else. Despite his own fear Jaehyun was filled with a small, quiet warmth; Johnny was looking to him for comfort, for strength. He would do his best to give it.

“Almost over, and then you can heal,” he whispered, managing an affectionate smile. “You’re doing so well.” Johnny gave a small nod of acknowledgement, a bead of sweat dripping from his temple to the sharp line of his jaw.

“On three,” Taeyong said, firm and clear. “One...two…”

Jaehyun and Doyoung braced themselves. Jaehyun kept his eyes dutifully on Johnny. _Look at me,_ he willed, hoping Johnny understood. _Just keep looking at me_.

“Three!”

One time, when he was a teenager, Jaehyun had sprained his ankle coming downstairs too quickly. To his young, sheltered mind it had been the worst pain of all time. Worse still was the way he had to keep it steady while he walked through mass to the throne, biting hard on the inside of his cheek to keep himself from crying out in pain.

If that was agony to him, he could not imagine how Johnny must feel now.

Pushing down firmly, Jaehyun felt Johnny’s body jolt against him as Taeyong gripped his leg and twisted, giving a mighty shove to force it back in place. There was a sickening sort of crunch, followed closely by Johnny howling behind the leather in his mouth, body going rigid as he fought against the pain. For a moment Jaehyun worried that he might be thrown right off. Sweat beaded at his temple as he fought to keep him in place; sometimes he forgot just how bloody strong Johnny was; four grown men trying to keep him steady and it was still touch and go. 

“Alright! Alright that’s enough,” Taeyong panted. “You can let him go.”

Immediately Jaehyun rushed to comfort Johnny as best he could, stroking his hair back with trembling hands. “Breathe,” he instructed, voice firm despite how badly shaken he felt. “You did so well. You’re so strong, I know love, I know it hurts, keep breathing…”

He stayed there, petting Johnny’s hair and speaking to him softly, until Johnny was able to breathe normally and the worst of the pain had passed. Gently removing the leather from Johnny’s teeth, Jaehyun set it to the side before swooping in to kiss him firmly on the lips. “Was it awful?” he asked, voice trembling. “Oh, my poor Johnny…”

“I’d do it again if it meant another kiss,” Johnny slurred dazedly, a glassy sort of look in his eye as he tried to regain his senses.

Jaehyun’s cheeks turned a vicious shade of pink. “Behave,” he said, rolling his eyes as he turned back to Taeyong. “What now?”

“Now we splint his leg so the bone can heal in its proper place,” Taeyong explained. He thanked Yuta as he was handed the bundle of sticks that had been set aside, resting them on the table next to Johnny’s leg. “And then we’ll plaster it with linen cloths that will harden and protect the leg.”

A knot of worry had once more settled in Jaehyun’s stomach. “Will he be able to walk with...with a crutch, or anything? We have nowhere to go, no place to stop. We’ll have to keep moving until we can find a safe place for him to heal.”

Taeyong looked to Yuta, who once more did something curious with his hands. Taeyong sighed. “You’ll stay here, in our guest house. He can’t put any weight on it for quite some time, you risk re-breaking the leg, and who knows what will happen the second time around?”

“Stay here.” Jaehyun’s eyes were wide. “We have no money, I couldn’t pay you.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll find ways for you to be useful,” Taeyong said with a soft laugh. “I don’t see what your options are otherwise. 

As he spoke he gently rubbed some sort of black salve along Johnny’s leg, massaging it carefully into the skin. It smelled...sharp, cold. After applying it liberally a long piece of felt was wrapped around the leg and pinned into place. “The ointment will help with pain and swelling,” Taeyong said, grabbing the bowl full of the waxy looking liquid and setting it within arms reach. 

Slowly, carefully, he began the process of splinting Johnny’s leg. A long piece of fabric was dipped in the bowl before being wrapped around the break, stopping to occasionally set down one of the long stalks before wrapping it firmly in place. Five of those pieces of wood were pressed to Johnny’s leg from knee to ankle, and once they were laid out Taeyong wrapped the leg again and again in the dipped bandages.

Taeyong smiled as he noticed Jaehyun’s curiosity. “The bowl is full of beeswax and eggwhites. Some tallow, various herbs to promote healing. It will harden as it dries, protecting his leg from any damage and making sure it sets in the right place.”

“Where did you learn all of this?” Jaehyun asked, voice hushed with awe.

Another dipped bandage was wrapped and tied off before Taeyong stepped back, wiping his hands off on his pants. “My mother was a _bonne femme_. A white woman,” he explained, leaning in close to examine his handiwork. “She taught me everything she knew before she passed. I’ve done some experimenting of my own since then, so I guess it’s a mix of what she taught me and what I discovered along the way.”

Jaehyun had heard of white women before. The church made them out to be witches, sorceresses who dabbled in potions and poisons. There must be more to it than he knew. “We’re indebted to you,” he murmured. “Truly, I don’t know what we would have done if Doyoung didn’t know to reach out to you.”

“Yes, Doyoung does like dropping people on my doorstep, doesn’t he?” Taeyong mused with a grin.

“And you like taking them in,” Doyoung said with a shrug. “Now if you’re done with us we really will be leaving. I’d rather not travel for too long past dark.”

“I’ll see you out. Will you be alright?” Jaehyun murmured to Johnny, voice soft in the space between them as he brushed his hair back once more from his eyes.

Johnny merely nodded, a delirious, faraway look in his eyes. “Mm. I’m sorry I can’t give you a proper goodbye,” he said, waving his hand absently with no apparent direction in mind.

“I suppose we can forgive you,” Jeno laughed, grabbing his hand and giving it a firm squeeze. “Rest well, Johnny.”

Jaehyun swooped down to kiss Johnny once more before leaving the room, Doyoung and Jeno in tow. The sun was almost alarmingly bright after standing in the dimly lit room for so long. Jaehyun blinked owlishly, raising a hand to shield his eyes. “Doyoung—”

“Save the emotional goodbyes,” Doyoung interrupted, though he was smiling as he said it. “We met, and I am a happier person for it. Let’s leave it there and part friends, shall we?” 

Jaehyun smiled softly. “Alright. Thank you for putting us up for so long, for bringing us here. Hopefully, someday, I’ll be able to repay your kindness.”

“Hopefully you’ll get the hell out of the country and we’ll never see you again,” Jeno chimed in, voicing a sentiment Jaehyun had heard over and over since they left the cathedral. He was clearly more willing to show affection than Doyoung was, pulling Jaehyun into a tight hug that nearly knocked the wind from his lungs. “Take care, won’t you? Of yourself, of Johnny. I’m...I’m glad you aren’t what we thought you were.”

“And I’m glad the Profane are on the side of the people, they’re lucky to have you looking out for them,” Jaehyun murmured. He pulled away, trying to ignore the sharp feeling of loss that once again filled his chest as he realized that he was saying goodbye forever. “Alright, go. When we leave this place we’ll send word that we’re on our way.”

Doyoung nodded, grabbing the horses from where they’d made themselves at home munching on the grass, leading them to the cart to be hitched once more. “We’ll look for your letter.” Once they were ready he climbed into the seat next to Jeno, giving a small wave. “Good luck, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun nodded, smiling. “Goodbye! Oh, and Doyoung?” He waited until Doyoung turned, giving a knowing smile. “Good luck. With...you know.” He laughed as Doyoung scowled and whipped back around so quickly pieces of hair fell out of their tie, pointedly ignoring Jeno’s curious look as the cart lumbered down the path and disappeared into the trees.

And then they were gone.

The afternoon sky blanketed everything in its bright, blazing light, making it all seem so very alive as Jaehyun worked on gaining control of his emotions. Behind him he could hear the clucking of chickens as they went about whatever business chickens saw fit to attend to, heads held high and wings tucked neatly to their sides as they strutted about. Every now and then the breeze would pick up, rustling the trees above, making the light dance over the verdant earth. Somewhere in the distance a goat bleated its plaintive cry.

How could the world here be so full of sound, yet feel so quiet?

With a deep breath Jaehyun shook himself loose of the melancholy that tried to sink its claws into him. He turned, setting his mind more firmly on Johnny and his recovery as he went back inside, letting himself into the small, candle-lit room once more.

Johnny immediately reached for his hand, giving a weary smile as Jaehyun returned to his side. “They made it off alright?”

“They did,” Jaehyun nodded, lacing his fingers together. “How do you feel?”

That earned him a small huff of laughter as Johnny closed his eyes, resting his head back against the table. “Exhausted. Sore. Glad the hard part is over, though.”

“See, that’s a good attitude to have,” Taeyong said cheerfully, leaning over Johnny’s leg as he carefully examined his handiwork. The linens had created a sort of...shell around the wound, the wax setting and hardening until everything was completely immobile. Taeyong tapped his finger gently against the dressing, giving a nod when he found no give. “There. A few weeks of this, and then we’ll be able to wrap it in something lighter.”

“A few weeks?” Johnny repeated, eyes flying open. “We don’t have a few weeks. I can’t be in bed that long!”

Taeyong looked up at him, raising an eyebrow at the outburst. “You won’t have to be. A week in bed, and then you’ll be able to move around with crutches. It will take some time for this to heal, Ser. Put any weight on it before it’s ready and it will simply break again.”

Anxiety settled in the pit of Jaehyun’s stomach. “You surely can’t put us up for that long, we can’t impose on you like that.”

Taeyong looked over to Yuta, who merely shrugged. “We don’t mind,” Taeyong assured, grabbing a towel to clean the wax from his hands. “A few years ago, when we realized Doyoung wasn’t going to stop bringing us any wounded person he found during his travels, we built a little guest house. You’ll have to pull your own weight, but as long as you can pitch in then it’s no bother to us.”

“Pitching in” was the exact thing Jaehyun was concerned about. He hadn’t had many opportunities in his life to learn how to be useful, unless “pitching in” involved sitting quietly in one place for hours at a time then he wasn’t sure he’d be of much help. Still, he managed a small smile and a nod, holding tight to Johnny’s hand. 

Once the dressing was set to Taeyong’s liking they worked on moving Johnny out of the stuffy little room and into the guest house, where he’d spend the next week in convalescence. It took Yuta and Jaehyun’s strength, Taeyong’s guidance, and Johnny hobbling along on his good leg, but soon they had him out of the little farm house. Taeyong led them around to the back, where they were greeted with the sight of a cozy little one-room hut. 

It was simple enough inside, nothing more than a straw mattress with a coverlet made of hide, a bench along one wall, a firepit in the middle. Above the pit there was a hole in the thatched roof to let the smoke out, and a few pegs lined the walls for holding their clothing. It was a hovel compared to the grand stone walls of the cathedral, the feather-stuffed mattress he’d slept on.

Jaehyun had never felt more at home in his entire life.

“This is wonderful, thank you,” he said with all the sincerity he could muster, helping Yuta negotiate Johnny onto the mattress. “I’ll do everything I can to be of use to you while he heals.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Taeyong said kindly. “Why don’t we let Johnny rest for a while? You can help me with supper, a good meal will do you both good.”

The idea of leaving Johnny’s side again wasn’t ideal. Still, they were guests in this home, he needed to be on his best behaviour so Yuta and Taeyong didn’t tire of them and turn them out into the elements. He pulled off his cloak and tucked it carefully around Johnny, laughing softly when he noticed Johnny was already half asleep.

“Rest well,” he murmured, kissing his forehead before rising and following Taeyong outside.

They returned to the main house, where Jaehyun finally got a chance to have a proper look around. Other than the room where they’d reset Johnny’s leg there seemed to be one other door off of the main area, which Jaehyun assumed to be the bedroom. The largest room, where they stood now, seemed to be for everything else. Against one wall there was a small hearth waiting for someone to put flame to it, a few clutches of dried herbs hanging above. The furnishings were simple, but plentiful; a handful of chairs scattered around a central location, a large chest, a desk covered in books and scrolls. 

“Your home is wonderful,” Jaehyun breathed, taking it all in.

Yuta did something with his hands, gesturing rapidly as Taeyong watched. “He says it must be very different than what you’re used to,” Taeyong said with a small, knowing grin, grabbing the pot hanging over the hearth and setting it on a table. 

Jaehyun blanched, clasping his hands before him. “It is very different, yes,” he said, ducking his head down to look at the ground. “Very much preferable, though.”

Taeyong glanced back over his shoulder, grinning. “No need to be so shy. If we had qualms with who you are we would not have allowed Doyoung to bring you. Can you light the hearth, please?”

Sitting next to the hearth was a little stone much like the one Johnny had used to start fires while traveling, a polished bit of metal beside it. Jaehyun knelt before the fireplace, looking back and forth between the strike-a-light and the pile of wood, taking a deep breath and trying to remember what Johnny had taught him. 

The first few strikes got him nowhere. Not even a spark, despite how hard he struck. On the third try he managed to get a small flicker of light, though the tinder didn’t catch and no ember glowed.

Resisting the urge to sigh, Jaehyun tried a few more times with the same negligible results. He was about to face the shame of having to ask for help when a firm hand landed on his shoulder, squeezing gently. He looked up to see Yuta’s smiling face.

It was the first time Yuta had smiled since they’d arrived. Once again Jaehyun was reminded of his dreams, of Yuta’s calm, jovial attitude, of Taeyong’s warm presence. What were his dreams trying to tell him? Why were they important?

Yuta knelt next to Jaehyun, pointing with two fingers to his eyes, and then with those same two fingers to the fireplace. _Watch_. He took the strike-a-light, ignoring the second stone and instead pulling his knife from its sheath on his belt. With a quick, definite movement he struck the back of the blade against the stone, a few times in quick succession, sending a shower of sparks into the hearth.

Sure enough one of the sparks took, and soon a glowing speck of heat sat nestled in the kindling. Yuta leaned in, blowing gently, coaxing the ember to life until it turned into a small flame, which grew into a cheerfully crackling fire.

“You make it look so easy,” Jaehyun laughed, watching as the flame danced and crackled, casting its warmth over his skin.

Yuta shrugged, making another one of his quick hand motions, though Jaehyun couldn’t understand what this one meant. Yuta didn’t seem put-off. Instead he motioned to the fire, trying a different sign; this time he held his hands up with his palms facing toward him, wiggling his fingertips slightly as he moved his hands up. He did this a few times, smiling when Jaehyun lifted his hands to copy the motion.

“Fire,” Jaehyun said softly, a small grin playing at the corner of his lips. “This means fire.”

“You’ll learn quickly,” Taeyong called, adding salt to the pot before bringing it to hang over the fire. “When Yuta first found me we had nothing, you’d be surprised how fast you can pick up a language when you’ve got no choice but to learn.”

Jaehyun took Yuta’s offered hand, standing and dusting himself off. “How long have the two of you lived out here?”

“Well. I’ve been here for as long as I can remember,” Taeyong said, sitting in one of the chairs and motioning for Jaehyun to join him. “This was my mother’s home, as I said, she worked as a healer for anyone who sought her help. Taught me everything she knew.” He glanced towards the doorway, taking in the world beyond, eyes going distant. “When she died I lived on my own until I was...twenty, maybe? Then one day this boy stumbles to my doorway after a bad run in with one of the demons from the pit. I healed him, and haven’t been able to get rid of him since.”

Yuta snorted, pulling a chair closer to Taeyong and sitting next to him. He began to speak with his hands again, the expression on his face unmistakably suggestive as he did. This time Taeyong didn’t translate, though he did grin and lower his head as a bright red blush colours his cheeks.

Jaehyun lost track of time as they spoke, covering a lot of the ground he had to cover every time he met someone new; his life in the cathedral, his relationship with Johnny, the reason they’d run away. By the time the stew over the fire was bubbling and hot, Jaehyun had quite worn himself out, and eagerly took the opportunity to retire with Johnny’s food.

“Mind his leg while you sleep,” Taeyong warned, dishing out two bowls and passing them over. “Keep some space between you. He may have trouble sleeping, if that’s the case come knock on the door and I’ll give you something to help him rest.”

Jaehyun nodded, giving a small bow. “I will. Thank you for everything, I’m eternally in your debt.”

Taeyong waved his hand dismissively. “No need for that. Just get a good night’s rest, we’ll see you in the morning.”

Though the trek back to their sleeping quarters was short, Jaehyun moved slowly and carefully so as not to disturb the bowls he carried. Once inside he rested them beside the bed, going about another fumbling attempt to make a fire. This time luck was on his side. He was able to start a flame with much less struggle than his last try, and soon enough it was crackling merrily in the pit at the centre of the room.

“Not bad for a beginner.” Johnny’s voice was hoarse, and Jaehyun turned to see him watching groggily from the bed. He rushed over, putting a hand to his cheek to check for a temperature.

“I had some practice earlier,” he murmured, leaning in to kiss Johnny sweetly. “Are you hungry? I brought stew.”

“Starving,” Johnny murmured, managing to sit up with minimal groaning. “It smells incredible.”

They ate in silence, both too relieved by a hot meal to fill their stomachs to focus on conversation. By the time they were done Jaehyun could tell Johnny was once more on the verge of sleep. It made sense—he’d been through so much in such a small period of time, his body must be desperate to recover.

Jaehyun took his bowl, resting it to the side. “Go back to sleep. You need as much rest as you can get while you’re healing.”

Johnny hummed, turning his head to hide a yawn against his shoulder. He settled down back into the mattress, and within a minute’s time he was once more deep in slumber. Jaehyun watched him sleep for some time, stroking his hair with gentle touches, reveling in the steady rise-and-fall of his chest with each breath. A strange sort of peace always settled over him when he watched Johnny sleep. This was someone who had been fighting for him his whole life, the man who had put himself between Jaehyun and danger time and time again. Seeing him, safe and sound in a bed with a roof and four walls to protect him, was a joy Jaehyun never thought he might feel.

Soon enough his own exhaustion became too much to resist. Jaehyun slid into the bed next to Johnny, careful to leave some space between them as he pulled the blanket up and tucked Johnny in beside him. 

As he closed his eyes, Jaehyun wondered if this might be an opportunity for both of them to heal. They’d been through so much together already, enough for multiple lifetimes. And now here he lay on a simple mattress in a simple hut on a simple bit of land, at peace. Was this a peace he could cling to?


	13. The Weight of Water

The first week flew by with surprising speed. Taeyong caught on quickly that a busy Jaehyun was a calm Jaehyun, and so Taeyong threw himself into providing his new guest with all sorts of chores to keep him busy, staying by his side through most of them. He never questioned Jaehyun’s lack of knowledge over what may seem like simple tasks, merely explained everything with a calm sort of understanding as they went step-by-step through them. Besides, it didn’t take long for Jaehyun to pick things up; after a few days he was managing all sorts of things on his own; collecting eggs from the chicken coop, pulling weeds from the garden, dusting around the house.

When Taeyong wasn’t available Jaehyun would spend his time with Yuta, absorbing whatever signs he could until they were able to have basic conversations. Some were easy enough; “chicken” was two fingers tapped together a few times by the mouth, resembling a little beak. “Candle” was one finger held up to represent the stalk while the other hand wiggled above it as the flame. He was even starting to pick up on letters, though he wasn’t able to do much more than spell his own name yet.

And then, of course, there was Johnny. He was healing. The proof of it was in how cranky he’d become, constantly complaining about being stuck in bed, lamenting over Jaehyun making friends while he was all alone.

“You’re being childish,” Jaehyun scolded with an easy grin, watching as Johnny sipped at a tea Taeyong had sent in for him to drink. Jaehyun had watched with curious eyes as Taeyong had boiled burdock root in a kettle above the fire, straining it into a mug before pressing it into his hands to bring to Johnny. Apparently it was meant to ease the aches that came with healing bones, the soreness around the joints and tight muscles. “Not much longer and you’ll be walking around again, you’re just complaining to hear yourself talk.”

Johnny huffed, sipping the tea. “This tastes awful.”

“And yet you’ll drink it anyway,” Jaehyun cooed, slipping under the covers and pressing close. “Because you’re a strong, handsome, sensible man who knows when something is good for him.”

That earned Jaehyun a low whine, though Johnny quickly tipped back the rest of the liquid, draining the cup in a few large gulps. “There, you menace. It’s empty.”

“Good boy,” Jaehyun said cheerfully, taking the cup and resting it next to the mattress. He slid under the covers to cuddle close, resting his head against Johnny’s chest as Johnny wrapped an arm tight around his shoulders. “How does your leg feel? Is the ache very bad?”

Johnny hummed, pressing his lips to the top of Jaehyun’s head as he held him close. His hand was warm as it swept over Jaehyun’s back a few times before resting against his hip, squeezing gently. “I feel it in my knee more than anything,” he admitted, still a bit sleepy despite it being the middle of the afternoon. “I suppose it’s from holding it in such a specific way. It’ll be better once I can move about.”

From Johnny, who did everything he could to minimize his pain for Jaehyun’s sake, that meant the discomfort must be great. It made Jaehyun’s chest ache in a funny sort of way. He dearly wished he could do something to help other than fetch the teas and medicines that Taeyong sent along, something more than soothe Johnny with pretty words. Still, Johnny seemed to enjoy the company, and he was happy to provide it. 

“Soon,” he promised, looking up to kiss the corner of Johnny’s mouth. “I’ll fill a bath for you later, I’m sure a good hot soak will help cure some of those aches and pains.”

“That sounds amazing,” Johnny sighed, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back against the pillow. “I think...I’ll sleep until then.”

Jaehyun laughed, patting his chest gently before rubbing a little circle over his heart. “You do that. I’ll wake you for supper, love.” With one more parting kiss he slid carefully out of bed, stopping to make sure the fire was still burning bright and warm before seeing himself out of their temporary home.

Autumn had settled in. The air was crisp and cool, nipping at Jaehyun’s nose and the tips of his ears and giving them a semi-permanent flush that Johnny just loved to tease him about. Thank goodness for Doyoung, who had sent them with a few packs of warmer clothing. Around his usual tunic and trousers Jaehyun had taken to wearing that same thick woolen cloak he’d been given in Sanctuary, old and soft and grey, always pulled tight around his body. He hadn’t yet acclimated to cooler temperatures; back at the cathedral he was always forced inside when it grew too cold, the cardinals ever-worried over him coming down with some terrible illness he wouldn’t recover from. They used to insist it was out of care for him, an overabundance of caution. Jaehyun knew now that they were more worried about him as an investment than as a human being.

Still, he found he liked the cold. It was refreshing. Each morning when he left their bed it wasn’t long before he was awake and ready to face the day, the cool air invigorating him. Perhaps he was meant for life like this, early to rise, early to get his hands dirty, early to feel his blood rushing through his veins.

Jaehyun heard two sharp claps behind him, pulling him out of his thoughts; he turned to see Yuta, who smiled brightly and waved him over.

“Good morning,” Jaehyun greeted, still wrapped snugly in his cloak. “Where are you off to?”

Yuta was also well dressed for the cold. Around his neck he wore a thick scarf, apparently knit by Taeyong’s own careful hand. That seemed to be the way things worked between the two of them; anything that took cunning fingers or a scholarly eye fell to Taeyong, anything that took speed or upper body strength was Yuta’s job. Yuta did most of the hunting and fishing, but it was Taeyong who would clean and skin every kill before throwing it on the fire for their evening meal. Yuta would defend their home from whatever monsters might wander too close, but each time he would drag the hulking carcass back for Taeyong to ransack it for parts for his medicines.

They worked well together. Jaehyun admired it. Their life was small, their home even smaller, but their happiness was so great that it filled every corner of their life with warmth. 

Yuta nodded towards the back field, a relatively small patch of land where two cows and a goat spent most of their time lazing about and nibbling on tufts of fluffy green grass. Jaehyun always saw Yuta heading out in that direction as the sun was rising, but he always ended up caught up in some task that distracted him from finding out what he was doing. It seemed like it was time to find out.

_Come. Learn,_ Yuta signed, keeping his motions slow and even. He had to repeat them twice, but finally Jaehyun remembered what he’d been taught and nodded.

“Oh, yes. Here, let me carry something for you.” Yuta was laden with a small stool and a few metal pails, of which Jaehyun relieved him of the stools as they made their way to whatever task Yuta intended on them completing. There was a low wooden fence, easy enough to climb, though Yuta did stop to offer a hand as Jaehyun carefully made his way over.

“You’re already like Johnny, making sure I don’t fall and hurt myself,” Jaehyun teased, though he took the offered help. “At some point I’ve got to learn, don’t I?”

Yuta laughed, looking up as he clearly thought of the best way to convey to Jaehyun what he wanted to say. _Fall...good. You fall, you learn._

“That’s true, I suppose,” Jaehyun mused, following Yuta to where a cluster of cows were lazing in the sun. He couldn’t wait until their conversation wasn’t stunted by his own lack of knowledge, until Yuta didn’t have to pick and choose and search for the simplest words that he would remember quickly. 

“It’ll come,” Taeyong said with a smile, clearly not very worried about it. “Trust me, he never shuts up. You have plenty of opportunity to learn.” Before he could continue Yuta had thrown an apple at him and the room had exploded into a flurry of movement, Jaehyun watching with wide-eyed laughter as they’d chased each other about.

As they approached one of the cows lumbered to her feet, greeting Yuta fondly by bumping her velvety muzzle against his arm. Yuta laughed and handed out his affection freely, scratching behind her ears, which she flicked about in delight. Only after a few minutes of watching did Jaehyun allow himself to touch himself, gingerly running his fingers over the cow’s flank.

Perhaps it was good that Yuta couldn't warn Jaehyun what they were up to; if he had known they would be milking cows he would have immediately found something to do elsewhere, gathering herbs for Taeyong or something like that. What Yuta had him doing felt...vaguely obscene. Sure, the cows didn't seem to mind too terribly, but by the time they were done Jaehyun's hands felt filthy and his back was sore from kneeling on that silly little bench. He grumbled about it the entire way back to the house, resisting the urge to dump a pail over Yuta’s head each time he laughed at him. 

When they dropped the pails off with Taeyong he grinned at the look on Jaehyun's face, shrugging at his apparent misfortune. "You said yourself you wanted to learn, this is part of life," he pointed out. "Go ahead and leave those on the bench, I'll figure out what to do with them by supper."

Yuta and Jaehyun did as told, Yuta stopping to press a kiss to Taeyong's cheek on the way. Jaehyun hid a smile at their easy affection, turning to gaze out the window instead.

The leaves were changing colour. In the distance he could see oranges and yellows and reds dancing on the tips of their branches, a sea of rich warmth unlike anything he'd ever seen within Ardent. He wanted to go pluck some, to bring them back to show Johnny, share with him this new, amazing beauty he'd never gotten to experience before. The stained glass windows of the cathedral were nowhere near as beautiful as the life beyond them.

"Oh, Jaehyun, you said you would help Johnny into a bath after supper? It would be good for his muscles, heat is excellent for that sort of thing. Are you alright fetching the water yourself?" Taeyong asked, sitting down to start on some mending. Jaehyun watched as his clever fingers plucked out a needle, winding thread expertly through the eye. "It's not a far trip to the well, if you take two buckets you'll only have to run back and forth a time or two."

Jaehyun hummed, pulling up a seat to watch him work. "I'm sure I'll be able to manage," he murmured, barely thinking on it much at all. How hard could it really be?

-

As it turned out, it was particularly hard.

Jaehyun had never fetched a bath for anyone before. They always came to him, steaming hot tubs of water waiting in his room once a week. He would come back from his evening studies to water decorated with flower petals and fine perfumes, a small, loving touch provided for him by the servants who fetched his water. Soaking in them was divine. He’d scrub until his skin was pink and radiant, run fine creams through his hair, delight in the few small pleasures he was allowed to keep himself looking like a true shepherd of Heaven.

This bath would be nowhere near as fancy, though he was sure he could prepare it with twice as much love.

Lugging the tub into the hut was The First Hard Thing. It was particularly heavy, and the size and shape of it made it awkward to manoeuvre on his own. He finally realized it was easiest to turn the damned thing on its side, rolling it from the house to their living quarters with much more ease than the first leg of his journey. By the time it was just a few short steps from the bed his hair was slick with sweat and his chest was heaving.

“There,” he panted, brushing his hands against his trousers. “That was easy enough.”

Johnny watched him with a vague sort of amusement, eyebrows raised. His spirits had been much higher than they were that morning, the constant ache of his healing leg now more of a dull throb. Around him he’d scattered a handful of Taeyong’s books on various herbs and healing, his preferred way of keeping entertained while he was stuck in bed.

“Oh, of course,” he said with a grin, propping himself up to sit. “Couldn’t even see you sweat. Are you sure you’ve got this?”

It took a moment for Jaehyun to answer him, as busy as he was getting the tub into just the right spot. It was a careful construction of wood, some sort of hardened resin spread throughout to keep the water from leaking through. Jaehyun took a length of linen provided by Taeyong, laying it out within. To protect from splinters, apparently. A small part of Jaehyun missed his ivory bath.

“Of course I do,” Jaehyun said brightly, as if he didn’t know he was being teased. “Yuta’s been working on your crutches, Taeyong said that tomorrow will be a good day to get you up and out of bed. You haven’t had a proper wash in ages, I thought it might be nice for you to soak and scrub.” Once everything was set to his liking he scooped up two buckets waiting by the door. “I’ll be right back!”

It took a few trips to fill the tub, and by the time he was finished his arms were aching with the weight of the water. Still, he was diligent as he poured bucket after bucket into the tub, until it was just full enough for Johnny to lay back without displacing any over the sides. The last two buckets he used to fill the kettle near the fire, heating them up in portions before adding them to the rest.

Johnny watched, a look of fond amusement sparkling in his eyes. “And how will I manage the rest on my own? I’m not at my most spry, am I?”

Ah. Yes. Jaehyun knew that question would be coming. He went back to fussing about the tub, hoping Johnny couldn’t see the flush of pink that had risen to his face. His hand dipped into the water, giving a small nod as he deemed it warm enough. “Of course you won’t be doing it on your own. I’ll have to help you, won’t I?”

Johnny went still. For a very long time he didn’t say anything, such a long time that Jaehyun’s stomach started to turn as the silence settled uncomfortably around them. He dare not look towards the bed. Part of him worried what he might see on Johnny’s face, though he had no idea what he was so afraid of. It was just a bath, wasn’t it?

Thankfully Johnny finally spoke, putting him out of his misery. “Very well then.” He sounded so calm. Jaehyun would never understand how he managed that. “Can you help me to the edge of the bed, then?”

Something very important was shifting between them. Jaehyun could feel it like a physical presence, like the world turning a bit too quickly, and in the wrong direction. His mouth went dry as he nodded, finally turning his attention away from the water. He offered Johnny his hand, slow and steady as they negotiated the mattress, careful of his plastered leg as they got him to the edge.

“It’s a good thing you haven’t been wearing pants,” Jaehyun managed to joke, regarding Johnny in his sleep shirt and underclothes. “Arms up.”

“Jaehyun I can take off my own—”

“Arms up,” Jaehyun repeated quickly, hands on his hips. “Your job is to aggravate your injury as little as possible. And to aggravate me as little as possible. You’re just going to have to let me help you, alright?”

Johnny looked up at him, eyebrow raised. “I know what you’re up to,” he said, voice brittle and accusatory, as if he too were somehow nervous. Would wonders never cease? 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Lift your arms.” When Johnny finally obeyed Jaehyun twined his fingers through the rough-spun fabric of Johnny’s shirt, lifting it carefully over his head. On the way the fabric caught his hair tie, sending his hair cascading down past his jaw, ruffled and out of place.

Jaehyun had seen Johnny’s bare chest plenty by now, but it never failed to fill him with a rush of heat that swept through him like a wildfire. He was all carefully tended muscles under golden skin, the scars that decorated his body doing nothing to detract from how beautiful he was. If anything they just made him more lovely. He was strong. Johnny was a survivor. It made Jaehyun’s heart race.

“Alright,” Jaehyun said, voice barely a wheeze. “Now stand up and we’ll get you out of the rest.”

Johnny couldn’t help but laugh, a deep, low chuckle that Jaehyun chose not to press him about. Instead he let Johnny lean on his shoulder, supporting his weight as he carefully stood.

“Let’s just…hm.” Jaehyung looked down, considering Johnny’s smallclothes. He might not survive this. His face felt hotter than it ever had, like he’d been in the sun for too long. “Alright. I’m. Taking these off. Yes?”

Damn him, Johnny was clearly trying not to laugh again. Jaehyun wished he were still nervous, rather than whatever this was. “Go right ahead, your grace.”

Jaehyun shot him a glare before setting to the task. As he slid the cloth down _particularly_ strong thighs he was careful not to look at anything in particular, gaze fixed dutifully just off to the side. Once Johnny was completely nude Jaehyun stood so quickly he nearly lost his balance, a bit of hair flopping into his eyes.

“Alright,” he said, clapping his hands together. Was his voice higher than normal? How strange. “Alright. Lean on me and go slow, one step at a time. And make sure you don’t put your bad leg underwater, Taeyong said the wax holding it together might melt.”

“Whatever you say, _your grace_,” Johnny repeated, still wearing that same, infuriating smirk. He didn’t take his eyes off of Jaehyun for a moment as he draped an arm over his shoulder, though he did finally turn away as they crossed the small distance to the tub. It took some manoeuvring and quite a bit of pointed looking away before Johnny was resting in the water, but they managed to do it with minimal embarrassment on Jaehyun’s part.

He sighed in relief as the water covered Johnny to the waist. His bad leg was propped up on the edge of the bath to keep it safe, but the water was deep enough that he wasn’t terribly exposed. “There. How does that feel?”

“Divine, really,” Johnny murmured, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back. “I’ve never had a hot bath.”

Jaehyun nodded, the warm affection in his chest temporarily distracting him from his apparent quest to make a complete and utter fool of himself. “I thought you might like it,” he murmured. He carefully rolled his sleeves to his elbows, cupping water in his hands and lifting it to wet Johnny’s hair. “And I bet you’ve never had anyone wash your hair before, either.”

Johnny laughed softly. “Jaehyun, you don’t have to.”

“I know. I want to,” Jaehyun murmured, leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to the curve of his shoulder. “You’ve done so much for me. Let me do this for you.”

Waiting by his knee was a collection of items he’d brought along with him; a small bowl full of a fragrant white paste meant for the hair, a linen cloth, a bar of soap he’d helped Taeyong make that very morning. He reached for the bowl, scooping a health amount of its contents onto his fingers before working it between his palms. He couldn’t fully remember what Taeyong said it was made of, but it was creamy and white and smelled like wild flowers and herbs.

“Alright, just close your eyes,” he breathed, running his fingers through Johnny’s hair to work the cream through.

It had gotten so long. A few months ago, long before this adventure, it had been freshly trimmed at Father Diligence’s insistence. He claimed that the Divine’s mighty protector must look the part, always clean and freshly shaven, always a shining reflection of the church and the god he served. Now though, just past his chin, it was so much more...Johnny. Jaehyun let the strands slip through his fingers like whisps of silk, watched as they plastered themselves to Johnny’s neck any time they fell free.

“Jaehyun,” Johnny sighed, the tension in his shoulders seeping out. “That’s...incredible.”

Jaehyun smiled softly, scrubbing his fingertips firmly over Johnny’s scalp. “I’m glad you like it. Sit up a bit?” When Johnny did as told he scooped up more water, using it to rinse the suds out. Once done he ran his fingers through once more, combing the hair back and out of Johnny’s face.

Next was the soap. He dipped it into the water before working it into the cloth, building up a good lather before he set about the task of scrubbing Johnny’s skin. He started with his arms. That felt safe enough. Carefully, methodically, he passed the cloth from his shoulder to his elbow, his elbow to his wrist, carefully washing between his fingers and under his nails. Once he was clean from the shoulder down he kissed Johnny’s knuckles, grinning at the shy smile that earned him in return.

Crawling to the head of the tub, he pressed another kiss to Johnny’s damp hair. “Sit up, let me get your back.”

Johnny hummed his acknowledgement, movement sluggish as he did as told. Immediately Jaehyun was faced with the scarred expanse of his back, the canvas of twisted flesh left from years of penance, years of guilt. Jaehyun swallowed hard, careful not to let Johnny think anything was wrong as he washed his back as gently as he could.

“You don’t have to be so careful,” Johnny murmured. “They don’t hurt, not anymore.”

There was a knot lodged in Jaehyun’s throat, a sudden prickle of emotion that made it hard to swallow. “I will always be careful with you,” he swore, though he did allow himself to wash a bit more thoroughly. The scars were raised, a deeper, darker colour than the rest of his skin. The texture felt curious under his hand. As Jaehyun passed over them he let himself wonder, and soon that wonder was too great to ignore.

“Johnny,” he whispered, cautiously. Afraid. “What did you do to earn these scars? What was your terrible sin that you never wanted to tell me?”

Johnny was silent for a long while. Jaehyun was about to backtrack, about to change the subject, when he spoke. “My penance was for loving you. For...for wanting you,” he said, voice so low Jaehyun had to strain to hear. “You’re the living god. I’m supposed to be your protector. It isn’t my place to imagine...to dream of…”

Leaning in, Jaehyun pressed another gentle kiss to his shoulder. He let his lips linger there, breathing in the leftover scent of mint and rosemary left behind by the soap. Johnny’s worry made him bold; he had the opportunity now to take that pain away, to wash his worry clean just as he washed his flesh. “You can say it,” he whispered, lips brushing over wet skin. “It’s alright. You can say it now.”

“No, it’s not alright,” Johnny choked, shutting his eyes. “You’re the virgin god and I’m...Jaehyun, if you knew the things I’ve imagined, the things I’ve wanted to _do_ to you—”

Jaehyun couldn’t listen to any more, couldn’t hear Johnny making himself out to be some lustful villain in the charade of Jaehyun’s life. With a firm hand he reached forward, turning Johnny’s face and leaning a bit over his shoulder to capture him in a sound kiss. A small noise escaped from Johnny’s throat, low and wounded, as he returned the kiss with vigour. As if he was still desperate for forgiveness and he might find it in the curve of Jaehyun’s lips.

Jaehyun pulled away, the fire in his blood reignited. “I am not their virgin god,” he whispered, resting his forehead against Johnny’s. “My purity was a prison, not a pedestal. I have wanted you for so long, and I won’t be told that finally having you will sully me in some way.”

As he spoke his hand traveled to Johnny’s chest, hand splaying over his pounding heart. Johnny’s naked skin was warm from the bath, smooth and clean under the pads of his fingers, just waiting to be touched.

So Jaehyun let himself touch.

He carefully slid his fingers across Johnny’s chest, one side to the other, light and curious. “Is this alright?” he whispered, hoping Johnny couldn’t hear the tremor in his voice. Johnny, struck dumb by his pure, aching want, could merely nod. Encouraged, Jaehyun let his hand continue to wander. Up, along the side of a long, beautiful neck, along the curve of a shoulder. He tickled his fingertips down along Johnny’s arm before lifting his hand, kissing his knuckles and then the tips of his fingers.

“And if I’m inexperienced, if I’m not sure what I’m doing, will you tease me for it?” He tried to keep his voice low and sultry, though he was sure he only sounded foolish. Johnny didn’t seem to mind, though. He shook his head so quickly that Jaehyun almost worried he might shake something loose.

“Good, thank you,” Jaehyun said with a small smile, leaning in to kiss the tip of Johnny’s nose. He’d wiggled around so he could sit at Johnny’s side rather than behind him, making it easier to see what he was doing as he explored.

“Now. What if I touch you here?” he cooed, sliding his palm up to rest lightly over Johnny’s throat. He could feel his fluttering pulse, his very life beating against his fingertips. Jaehyun wondered if this was what being drunk felt like. His head was spinning, and all at once he felt vulnerable yet so full of power. His thumb traced along Johnny’s jaw, touch as light and delicate as a snowflake landing on hot skin.

Johnny merely watched him, eyes heavy lidded, gaze sluggish. He looked as if he was wandering through a dream, unsure if this was a reality that belonged to him, something he was truly allowed to enjoy.

“Jaehyun,” he managed, strangled. “You can touch me anywhere.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Jaehyun whispered, tongue darting out to lick his lips. “If there’s anything...you’ll tell me if you want me to stop, won’t you?”

Johnny nodded quickly, apparently eager to be on his best behaviour. Gods, but Jaehyun was so in love with him. He leaned forward, tracing Johnny’s lips softly with his own, letting out a small laugh when Johnny jolted forward for more. His hand moved up to tangle in Johnny’s hair, guiding him slowly as they kissed, just barely flicking his tongue out to taste Johnny’s own and reveling in the gasp that earned him.

He wasn’t quite sure where this boldness came from. Johnny was right; he’d been raised to be a symbol of purity, just another way for the church to make sure he was never touched, never loved. Maybe that was it. Maybe this was rebellion, making the choice to adore Johnny without shame, to prove that this decision belonged to no one but himself. Maybe every touch was a declaration that his body was his own and he would do with it what he liked.

And oh, he liked this very much. And Johnny liked it too, which made it even better.

His hand dropped back to Johnny’s chest, slipping further down until it was hidden below the water, exploring the muscles of Johnny’s stomach. He swallowed hard, suddenly reminded of his own inexperience.

“I’ve...I’ve really never done this, Johnny,” he admitted, scraping his teeth over his bottom lip. “Not...not even to myself. Until we ran away I’d never even, you know. Before.”

Even through the haze of arousal Johnny was able to look shocked. “You’d never touched yourself?” he choked, breath hitching. “At all?”

“A few times since we left,” Jaehyun said quickly. His mind flashed back to that first time, hunched over on himself in a dark, dingy cave. He still didn’t regret it. “What I’m saying is...I’m sorry if I’m no good at it?”

“Jaehyun.” Johnny leaned forward, pulling Jaehyun into a kiss that somehow managed to soothe the last fluttering nerves he felt over his inexperience. Johnny’s wet hand lifted to stroke his cheek, and Jaehyun reached up to hold it tenderly against his own skin. When they pulled away they were both panting.

“Jaehyun,” Johnny repeated, sighing. “I’m not...being with you is enough. If you told me right now that I could have your heart but you would never touch me again, that would be enough for me. You understand that, don’t you?”

Jaehyun hummed, nuzzling a kiss to Johnny’s cheek. “That’s very sweet. I am going to touch you, though.”

Johnny laughed, bright and clear, and Jaehyun couldn’t hide the wide grin that overcame him. He sat back in the tub, letting out a shaking breath. “You are particularly single-minded when you decide you want to do something. Far be it from me to get in your way.”

“You’re finally learning,” Jaehyun teased. He went back to exploring Johnny’s body with casual touches, particularly delighted when he circled a thumb around Johnny’s nipple and earned a sharp gasp in response. “Oh, you liked that,” he said, voice laced with wonder as he repeated the action. His eyes were wide and curious as the dusky pink flesh tightened under his ministrations, a low moan rumbling deep in Johnny’s chest.

He varied his touches, sometimes rubbing, sometimes lightly tracing his nail across the nub. When he pinched Johnny moaned again, back arching. “Jaehyun!”

“Hush,” Jaehyun cooed, pretending he wasn’t affected despite the growing ache between his legs. “The walls aren’t exactly thick out here.”

Johnny shot him a glare, drawing in a shaking breath and letting it back out as an irritated snort. “Where did you learn…” He sighed and tried once more to make sense of the words tangled together in his head. “How do you know…”

“I didn’t learn it anywhere,” Jaehyun answered honestly, hand sliding back down to pet over Johnny’s stomach. He dipped his fingers into the ridges between his muscles, letting them wander lower and lower. “I’m just exploring, I guess.”

Johnny lifted his head, letting it fall back to the tub with a soft “thud.” “I’m going to die.”

“Don’t be dramatic,” Jaehyun laughed, delighted by the reactions he was getting. “No one has ever died from this. I think. Actually, I have no idea if that’s true or not.” With a small shrug he went back to his journeying, fingers tracing down the small trail of hair that started under Johnny’s naval. He traced it down, and down, until…

Oh.

Before really intending to touch anything important Johnny’s length brushed against the back of Jaehyun’s wrist, standing up at rigid attention. Where earlier his mouth had been dry, now it watered. He could barely make out the size and shape through the water, so instead he let his hands do the looking, ever-so-cautious as he let his fingers wrap around him.

Johnny made a noise that sounded a bit like he was being choked to death, eyes snapping shut and head tilting further back. Jaehyun took that as a good sign. With nothing to go on but instinct (and his very few forays into pleasuring himself) he began to stroke, sliding cautiously along the length, stopping occasionally to dance his fingers over the head. As his confidence grew his grip became more sure, and soon he was practically dizzy from the whines and moans falling from Johnny’s parted lips.

Slowly, surely, Johnny peeled his eyes open. It was as if he’d remembered what he could be watching, rather than hiding behind the dark shutters of his eyelids. He was desperate as he looked to Jaehyun, who could do nothing but watch him back. Their eyes locked together and Jaehyun worried he may be stuck there for the rest of eternity.

“I’ve wanted this for so long. Before I even knew what _this_ even was,” Jaehyun whispered, lips parted as he panted through his own arousal. The sound of water swishing and lapping at the edges of the tub filled his ears, the sleeve of his shirt soaked where it occasionally dipped below the water each time he adjusted his grip. His own cock was rigid, trapped against the rough fabric of his pants, a wet spot pressed against the leaking tip of his length. “Johnny, Johnny, you’re so perfect, you’re so beautiful…”

He twisted his wrist a little, earning himself a choked off cry as Johnny bucked into his touch. “Right there?” Jaehyun practically yelped back, voice high and strained.

“Please, just like that,” Johnny begged, eyebrows knit together as he continued to push his hips into each stroke. His hand trembled as his fingers laced through Jaehyun’s hair, pulling him in for a kiss that was almost bruising in its intensity. “Jaehyun,” he moaned into the spit-slick tangle of their mouths. “Jaehyun, Jaehyun…”

Jaehyun could tell he was close. He wasn’t quite sure how he knew, but something in his gut warned him that he was about to miss something lovely, something he’d been longing for. His breath was harsh in his chest as he pulled away, eyes once more glued to Johnny’s expression as he continued to work him through the tight grip of his first. Johnny’s hand stayed planted firmly in his hair, as if he was afraid Jaehyun might pull free if not held in place.

“Let go for me,” Jaehyun cooed, voice a trembling sigh. “Don’t you want to? Please, I want to see it…”

He felt Johnny’s length twitch in his hand, could feel the way his entire body wound tighter and tighter. Still Johnny watched him, still he kept his eyes pinned to Jaehyun’s face as if his salvation depended on it. As if he wouldn’t miss a single moment of this beautiful torture, this long, slow descent into madness. 

And then the tension snapped. With a sharp gasp Johnny’s eyes fell shut, the fingers in Jaehyun’s hair twisting so viciously that his eyes watered from the pain. It was no matter, pain was temporary. What would last forever in Jaehyun’s mind was the sweet, ruined sound that Johnny made as he came, thighs tensing and back arching as he spilled into the water. It was the sweetest song Jaehyun had ever heard, and it was for him alone.

Johnny trembled as he came down, unwinding in Jaehyun’s arms like spun gold. Radiant. Beautiful. Jaehyun stroked him gently through it, touch sweet and soft until Johnny grew too sensitive and tried to pull away with a weak groan.

"Shh, just breathe," Jaehyun managed, despite the way his own breath was ragged and laboured. "You did so well, you're so good..." Though his own desire raged inside of him, he couldn't help but drown in his tenderness as he watched Johnny try to pull himself back together. Yes, it was all new and exciting and so very thrilling, but it was also beautifully intimate in a way that made his heart skip a beat. Johnny was his. He was Johnny's.

"Jaehyun," Johnny slurred again, and Jaehyun wondered if he'd be able to say anything else ever again. "Gods..."

Leaning forward, Jaehyun pressed a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. "Did you like it?" he asked, smile suddenly shy. "Was it alright?"

Johnny managed a laugh, chest still heaving. "Alright? That was...Jaehyun, I..." He moaned softly, shaking his head. "There are no words."

They leaned in to kiss lazily for a few minutes, the world a distant echo that didn't seem to as they drifted along together. When Johnny next pulled away he seemed to have regained his senses, looking at Jaehyun with dark, curious eyes.

"Are you..." His eyes flickered down, tongue darting out to wet his lips. "Can I...?"

"Can you what?" Jaehyun teased, though he was certainly eager to take care of his own need. "You have to use your words, how else will I know what you want?"

Johnny huffed an annoyed breath, reaching out to tweak the tip of his ear. "Menace," he muttered. "I want to touch you. To...give you what you just gave me. Can I?" When Jaehyun nodded he sat up, reaching an arm out for help. "Then get me out of this damn bath and get out of those damn clothes."

Later, when Jaehyun would look back on this moment, he'd never really be able to fill in the space between Johnny in the bath, warm and content, and Johnny lying on the bed, naked and looking at him with raw hunger. He stood there for a moment, fully dressed, feeling for all the world like he was already stripped down to nothing. It was as if he suddenly remembered how to be timid. To fear his own desires, and what they might mean.

"And all of a sudden he's shy," Johnny breathed, wonder in his voice. "Come here, let me hold you."

Jaehyun let out a weak laugh, crawling into the bed. It was silly to suddenly be so nervous. He lunged forward to hide his face in the curve of Johnny's neck, at peace with the strange way he had to twist his body to cuddle close. "I've lost all my bravado," he lamented, voice muffled against soft, clean skin. "It's easy when it's for you."

"I think I understand," Johnny murmured, sweeping those oh-so-large hands up and down Jaehyun's back. "If you don't want to do anything more then we won't. But you do know that I'll take good care of you, right? Well." Johnny snorted, grinning. "Best I know how at least, it's not like I have any more experience than you do."

That soothed Jaehyun a bit. "Not at all? Not even with another guard, or someone during your travels?" he asked, face still hidden. Part of him dearly wished for Johnny to be as new to this as he was. Not out of jealously, of course not. How could he be jealous when Johnny was here, loving him so sweetly, letting Jaehyun love him in return? No, more than anything he feared that Johnny might have more experience than him, that Jaehyun’s fumbling virginity would be all too obvious.

Johnny shook his head firmly, as if the mere thought of it was distasteful to him. "Why would I want anyone else, when I was too busy being stuck on you? How could anyone else compare? You're..."

"I'm what?" Jaehyun asked, afraid he knew the answer. He was the Holy Divine. Jung Jaehyun of the Benevolent Sight. Fifth of the Living Gods. How could anyone stand up to that? Maybe that would be a nice thought to anyone else, but to Jaehyun it just reminded him of his pedestal, the one he couldn't seem to climb down from.

But that wasn't it. Instead Johnny finished with a soft, "You're my favourite person." 

Jaehyun sat up so quickly that Johnny had to pull back lest he be head-butted, eyes wide. "What? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Jaehyun murmured, leaning in to kiss him with insistent lips. "Will you help me undress?"

It was clear that Johnny didn't know what he'd said to ease Jaehyun's nerves, but he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. With eager hands he undid the tie at the neck of Jaehyun's tunic, sitting up a bit straighter to help Jaehyun lift it over his head. It left Jaehyun's curly brown hair a bit ruffled, cheeks pink as he let himself be exposed.

"I'm not nearly as well developed as you are, of course," Jaehyun said quickly, folding his hands primly in his lap. "No sword training, or fighting monsters, or anything like that."

"Jaehyun, shut up," Johnny said with quiet authority, catching him so off guard that Jaehyun's mouth closed with an audible "click." Hands trembling, he reached forward to brush his fingers over the thin skin covering Jaehyun's ribs, trailing them down to drink in the smoothness of his flesh. "You're so pale," he whispered, eyes heavy lidded. "How are you so pale?"

"I wasn't allowed out as much as you were," Jaehyun murmured, swallowing hard as he took in the contrast between the deep tan of Johnny's hand against his own flesh, little-white and largely unmarred.

"I supposed," Johnny said, resting his palm flat against Jaehyun's stomach before sliding up, up, over his shoulder and down his arm. "Come closer..."

"How much closer can I come?" Jaehyun said, the nervous giggle that rose in his throat almost unrecognizable compared to his usual deep, husky laugh. "Any closer and I'll be right on top of you." He balked at the look on Johnny's face. "No Johnny, your leg. I'll just make it worse!"

"The break is all the way down there," Johnny said dismissively, tugging at Jaehyun's wrist. "Please Jaehyunnie? I want to feel your skin against mine..."

Really, who was Jaehyun to say no? Johnny had given him so much already, all Jaehyun wanted to do was return the favour. He steeled his nerves and reached down to unlace his breeches, pushing the fabric down his hips, down his thighs, past his calves until he could kick them off of the bed entirely. And then he was laid bare, fully on display for Johnny's hungry eyes.

After a lifetime of carefully ignoring his body's needs, Jaehyun was shocked by the flushed, angry red of his cock. It stood rigid between his thighs, and he watched in wonder as a bead of precum welled at the tip before dripping down the side. Arousal coiled tight in his gut like a snake waiting to strike. He'd turned pink right to the very tips of his ears, eyes heavy lidded as he forced himself to look at Johnny once more.

Johnny's chest was heaving. Jaehyun looked down, eyes going wide when he realized Johnny's length had begun to thicken once more. "Johnny!"

"What?" Johnny laughed, wrapping his arms around Jaehyun and giving a mighty tug that landed him right in Johnny's lap. This gave him a whole new expanse of skin to work with, lips dragging over Jaehyun's jaw before moving down to suck on his neck. "Do you truly not know how beautiful you are? I feel like my body is on fire just being near you. And we have so much lost time to make up for..."

Jaehyun tilted his head to the side, shivering at the tickle of Johnny's mouth traveling over his shoulder. "You're quite the smooth talker, do you know? Where did you learn to be so clever?"

"I've spent a lifetime listening to you sass me, I was bound to pick up a thing or two." Johnny trailed soft, feather-light kisses down his chest, moaning as Jaehyun moved to properly straddle his lap. "Jaehyun, having you in my arms right now...I never thought I'd be allowed to have this."

"You have me," Jaehyun swore, a vicious shiver racing through his body right down to the tips of his toes. "Now what will you do with me?"

Johnny clearly had some ideas. With alarming speed he ducked down to mouth at Jaehyun's nipple, lips curving into a wicked grin at Jaehyun's strangled cry of surprise. Teasing kisses became a firm, clever tongue, until soon enough he was sucking at the tight pink bud as Jaehyun squirmed in his lap.

The pleasure was almost too intense at first. Jaehyun had to resist the urge to squirm away, to cross his arms over his chest and turn his blushing face to the wall. He made himself take a deep breath, clinging tight to Johnny’s shoulders in a frenzied attempt to ground himself. 

Jaehyun wasn't sure what loosened his tongue, but he found that once he started talking he couldn't stop. "It feels g-good, it feels so good," he whined, back arching as his body automatically sought out more of the delicious touch. "Johnny, more..."

Dark amber eyes looked up from under fluttering lashes, taking in the look of utter bliss on Jaehyun's face. It made Johnny want more, to see how far he could push, what other things he could do to try to make Jaehyun sigh and beg and call his name. As he continued to mouth as Jaehyun's nipple his hand moved to tease the other, catching the bud between his thumb and forefinger and pinching lightly.

The sound Jaehyun made was far too loud for walls so thin. Johnny sat up, clapping a hand firmly over his mouth.

"Too loud, you're so-" He replaced his hand with his mouth, licking past Jaehyun's lips to suck urgently at his tongue. Jaehyun squirmed so viciously it brought their cocks in line, another desperate noise escaping him, though this time it was muffled by Johnny's mouth.

Johnny tore himself away, a bead of sweat collecting at his temple and sliding down to his jaw. "O-oh, yes, that was..." His hands found their way to Jaehyun's hips, gripping urgently as he encouraged him to thrust forward again. "Jaehyunnie, gods..."

Jaehyun quickly got the hint. He threw his arms around Johnny's shoulders, burying his face against his neck as he began to work his hips back and forth in desperate little circles. The slick droplets leaking from the tip of his cock eased the way, their lengths sliding together between them as they thrust and rut together. Each breath only seemed to fan the flames that burned inside of him.

"Johnny," he practically sobbed, trembling, worried that he might shake apart at any moment. The very soul of him seemed to be aflame, burning anything it touched, leaving him scorched. He worried he might cry; it was foolish, and wholly undesirable to be sure, he just felt so _much_. So much love, so much longing, all bound together with a strange sort of relief that they were finally stripped bare before one another. There was nothing left to hide.

Firm hands traveled in to the small of Jaehyun's back, playing with the dimples there before sliding lower to grip firmly at the soft curves of his ass. Jaehyun gasped and bucked forward, unable to stop the way his eyes slid skyward and his lids fluttered shut as it brought them more firmly together.

"You make the prettiest faces," Johnny growled, the deep timbre of his voice settling low in Jaehyun's gut. "I should have known you'd be just as lovely getting fucked."

It was Jaehyun's turn to gasp, covering Johnny's lips with the tip of his finger. "Johnny," he groaned. "F-filthy..."

Johnny merely licked and bit at the tips of Jaehyun's fingers, lips swollen and slick with spit. He looked unearthly; his cheeks were flushed a vicious red and his hair was drying around his face in loose waves, making him look for all the world like some wild creature out of a fairy story. Jaehyun slid his shaking fingers into his hair, pulling gently.

"Wicked," he breathed, another dribble of precum spurting from the tip of his length. "Wicked, filthy boy..."

Johnny's cock twitched at Jaehyun's words. Jaehyun looked down with hazy eyes, finally letting himself appreciate the size and shape of it. It was long, a bit thick, but not so thick that Jaehyun trembled with fear at the sight of it. It was all too easy to wonder what he might taste like, what he might feel like inside—

With a soft cry Jaehyun's entire body tensed and released, spilling over Johnny's cock and stomach as the fingers anchored in his hair tightened mindlessly. He couldn't let go though, could only ride the waves of pleasure as they crested through him, devouring him whole and leaving nothing in their wake. Johnny must not have been far behind, as he was soon moaning and adding to the mess. His arms wrapped so tightly around Jaehyun's waist that Jaehyun worried that he might break a rib.

It would be worth it, though.

Years passed before they came back to reality, Jaehyun was sure of it. In the quiet space between them empires rose and fell, mountains eroded and crumbled away. New gods were born, lived, died. A new world was completely reborn as they held on tight to each other.

Finally Jaehyun came to, Johnny's lips pressed gently to his cheek. "I love you," he whispered, voice so thick with emotion that Jaehyun suspected he might be weeping. "You're so good, so perfect. Jaehyunnie, Jaehyun..."

Jaehyun gave a soft grumble, slowly working his fingers loose from Johnny's hair and giving an apologetic pat to the side of his head. His muscles didn't seem to want to do much of anything else just yet. All he could do was smear his face against Johnny's shoulder, hoping that would pass well enough for affection.

"Hmph," he managed, face smushed against Johnny's skin.

Johnny laughed softly. "I'll take that as an 'I love you too.' Are you alright?"

Jaehyun managed a nod. When he finally had the strength to speak he added, "I'm more than alright. If I wasn't a god to begin with I know I am now. I'm fairly certain I could move a mountain with my bare hands, if I wanted to."

"Says the one who's slurring like a drunkard," Johnny teased. "Are you able to fetch the washcloth?"

It took a few minutes, but Jaehyun was able to scratch together the willpower to do so. When he returned to bed he cleaned the mess from their stomachs, only turning a little pink as he did so. "I was going to bathe as well, but I think I might slip and drown if I try to do anything too complicated right now," he murmured, tucking himself back in at Johnny's side.

Johnny clearly had no qualms, pulling the blanket over them and holding Jaehyun close. He was quiet for some time; Jaehyun could practically hear him thinking, so it was no surprise when he asked, “Did you like it?” 

His voice was soft. Practically shy in a way Johnny so rarely was. Jaehyun immediately tilted his head up, pressing a kiss to Johnny’s lips that he hoped would answer the question without words. Then, just in case that didn’t work, he said, “I loved it. I love you.” He gave an embarrassed smile, ducking his head down to hide against Johnny’s shoulder once more. “I can’t wait to do it more, to do...other things.”

Johnny groaned, though it quickly turned into a breathy chuckle. “And you call me wicked.”

They lay quietly for some time, slowly catching their breath as they let their pleasure settle deep into their limbs. Jaehyun felt as if great weights had been tied to his wrists and ankles, pulling him further and further into the bed, growing heavier and heavier as time passed. Soon Jaehyun felt the insistent tug of sleep pulling at him, and no matter how he tried he couldn’t seem to fight it.

“I’m exhausted,” he murmured. “Let’s sleep. You’ll finally be up and out of this bed tomorrow, and you’ll get to spend some time properly getting to know our hosts.”

Johnny hummed, rubbing his palm over Jaehyun’s back. “I can’t tell you just how much I’m looking forward to it.” He shifted slightly, pulling Jaehyun tighter against his side. “And then we’ll get back on the road and as far away from Ardent as we possibly can.”

“Yes, of course. Far away from here,” Jaehyun repeated. In the midst of all of the warm comfort he’d settled into, the words stung. Before he had the chance to consider why, he had fallen fast asleep.


	14. A Prayer in the Dark

In a perfect world Jaehyun would have woken slowly, Johnny’s arms wrapped around his waist, breath warm and soft against Jaehyun’s temple with every exhalation of breath. He would have woken to the loose-limbed relaxation that ought to follow a night of pleasure. To the warmth and comfort that came as consciousness slowly drifted back to him like lazy waves lapping at the shore, filling his mind with thoughts of the previous night and all it had brought them.

But the world was not perfect, and instead he woke up to the sound of two sharp claps outside and the high, panicked sound of someone desperate to speak.

With a jolt Jaehyun sat up, Johnny already awake and at the ready beside him. There was just enough time to make sure their nakedness was adequately covered with the blanket before Yuta burst in, eyes wide and frantic.

The noise he was making was...awful. Frenzied and high, it almost sounded like he was choking on something stuck in his throat. In the short time they’d known each other Jaehyun had so rarely heard Yuta try and vocalize like this. Most of his audible sounds were relegated to laughter and little else, so this was a strict departure that sent a cold chill down Jaehyun’s spine. In his hand he carried what appeared to be Johnny’s finished crutches, and every few minutes he looked over his shoulder as if anticipating some devil at his back.

Jaehyun swallowed hard, clutching the blanket to his chest. His heart sped up in his chest, the palms of his hands clammy with nervous sweat. “What is it?” he asked, glancing at Johnny before looking back to Yuta. “What’s wrong, is Taeyong alright?”

Yuta leaned back to glance out the door before returning to their side, making a frantic motion for them to follow. Every now and then he’d lift his hands, pausing as if thinking quite hard, before grunting in frustration. It was as if he was trying to desperately find a way to communicate, but couldn’t. It was frustrating. In their short friendship they’d already learned to speak so easily, somehow Jaehyun had forgotten that there was still so far to go.

Despite their bare skin there was no time to be bashful. Jaehyun leaned over to snatch his clothes from the floor, pulling them on before helping Johnny dress as well. Once Jaehyun was close enough, kneeling before Johnny to help pull his his trousers on, Johnny took the opportunity to speak.

“You stay behind me,” he whispered, expression grave and voice low. “Whatever this is, don’t you dare run charging into harm’s way. Alright?”

Jaehyun swallowed, keeping his eyes dutifully on Johnny’s shirt as he tied to closures. It wasn’t as if Johnny needed that much help, but having a small task to focus on made Jaehyun feel grounded. “Only if you can promise me the same thing,” he murmured.

Apparently Yuta had no patience to wait for them. He grabbed Jaehyun’s arm, tugging urgently, dutifully ignoring the look of indignation on Johnny’s face as he pulled Jaehyun to his feet and pushed him towards the door. As soon as there was space he thrust the crutches into Johnny’s hand, signing something before helping him to his feet.

“What did he say?” Johnny asked, bewildered as he looked towards Jaehyun. He hadn’t had nearly as much time to get to know Yuta as Jaehyun had. He’d see Taeyong on a daily basis, chat briefly with him during examinations of his wounded leg, but Yuta had little reason to stop by other than to nod a polite hello and be on his way. They couldn’t communicate yet, and they were both men who saw little use in going through the motions of fraternization for the sake of being polite. He hadn’t built the same trust in Yuta that Jaehyun had in such a short period of time.

Jaehyun swallowed, watching as Yuta repeated the signs and motioned for them to follow. “He says ‘learn quickly,’” he murmured, before taking a deep breath and following Yuta out.

Briefly, Jaehyun turned to look at the remnants of the fire still burning. The flame was low, practically nothing, but oughtn’t they smother it ought before leaving it alone? Apparently he was the only one concerned, because Yuta quickly had them thrust outside. The sun had barely begun to rise, the morning gray and watery as they stepped out of the little guest house and into the yard. Birds trilled on their branches somewhere nearby, singing to welcome the new day. Yuta turned, motioning for them to stay quiet before creeping towards the main house, steps slow and gentle. 

“Yuta what is going—”

Before Jaehyun could finish his sentence Johnny clapped a hand over his mouth, stifling his words. He glanced to Yuta with wide eyes before looking back to Jaehyun, giving a small shake of his head.

And sure enough, when forced to listen, Jaehyun could just barely make out the sound of voices wafting from somewhere inside the house. 

If Jaehyun listened closely he could make out a very small bit of it. There was Taeyong, words pitched low, welcome and familiar. But mingled in with his voice were two more that Jaehyun didn’t recognize. A man, higher pitched, and a woman, low and honey-smooth. He strained to hear, but couldn’t quite make out the words they were saying.

“Who are they?” he mouthed, voice barely enough to be considered a whisper. Yuta put his right palm over his heart, giving a small bow to mimic the salute of the church guard. Jaehyun felt the blood drain from his face. “How...how did they find us, how could they know…”

Yuta shook his head, motioning for them to be silent once more. He began to creep closer to the house, staying low, occasionally looking back to make sure they were following close behind. Just as with everything, Johnny had taken quickly to the crutches. Despite how awkward and ungainly they seemed he moved smoothly, though the closer they drew to the source of the voices the more suspicious he became.

“My husband is out taking care of the morning chores,” Taeyong said from inside, voice now clear enough to be heard through the walls. “He should be back soon. I suppose if anyone has passed nearby he’ll know, he’s more likely to go into the woods than I. The only news I get is whatever he brings home to me.”

“We appreciate your help,” the woman said, smooth, a bit cold. Jaehyun thought he might recognize her voice, but only as one he’d heard in passing. He knew so few of the guards beyond Kun. “I’m sure you can understand that the cardinals are greatly worried. If the Divine has been hurt, taken against his will…”

“It would be unimaginable,” the man finished for her, simpering. “It’s unheard of for a Cavalier to act out in such a way, we don’t know what sort of person we’re working with.”

Jaehyun could feel his blood boiling, anger creeping up to leave his face hot and flushed. He looked to Johnny, who silenced him once more with a quick shake of his head. 

Johnny leaned close to Yuta, murmuring, “If I serve as a distraction you can get him to the woods. Just...get him to the tree line, he’ll be able to make it from there on his own. You’ll be able to come right back for Taeyong, pretend you don’t know anything.” He swallowed hard, looking for all the world like he was fighting a cresting wave of emotion. “I’d be...I’d be grateful, for whatever that’s worth.”

Jaehyun was ready to protest, mouth halfway open, when Yuta let out a quick hiss to shut the both of them up. He looked exasperated as he held his finger to his lips, shaking his head. 

Creeping closer, he listened carefully to what he could hear coming from within the house. “Can I offer either of you something to drink? Your journey must have been a long one,” Taeyong asked calmly. Immediately after there was a loud crash from inside, something that sounded like a dish breaking. At the very same moment Yuta swept aside a great pile of leaves and old straw, revealing a wooden door built right into the ground. He stooped and pulled it open, waving them inside with a mounting urgency on his face.

Johnny and Jaehyun shared a grave look, but there was nothing for it. If Jaehyun had learned anything in the past few weeks it was this: sometimes you didn’t have time to consider your options. Sometimes all you could do was jump. 

Carefully making his way over, Johnny sat at the edge of the space and dropped inside. There was no noise. No loud thud, no sharp exhalation of breath to show Johnny had hit the ground. Jaehyun’s heart pounded in his chest as he took one look at Yuta, reaffirmed his trust in this complete stranger, and dropped in after Johnny.

It wasn’t a long fall. He’d barely hopped down before his feet hit dry earth, the wooden door immediately fixing in place after them. A soft shuffling followed as Yuta covered the hatch once more with the detritus he had just brushed away. With a ragged breath Jaehyun reached out, hands trembling as he sought Johnny’s touch in the darkness. 

He found it quickly. Warm, rough hands grasped at his wrists, pulling him closer until they were embracing in this strange, dark hole in the ground. Everything felt damp and cold, and Jaehyun’s heart beat in his chest so loudly that he was afraid it might give them away. But Johnny was there, and hadn’t everything worked out for them so far?

They would be fine. They were going to make it. Jaehyun closed his eyes and thought of the ocean, of a body of water so large that you couldn’t see the other side.

He took a deep breath, trying to ascertain what sort of place they were hidden in. It didn’t smell dirty, or musty, though there was that petrichor scent that naturally came from being underground. It was a bit like the cellars back in the cathedral, where they’d stored great casks of wine for the fathers to sip when they entertained officials from foreign lands. He’d wager that this was the same sort of space, storage for something or other. When they shuffled deeper into the hidden space Jaehyun could see thin slices of light coming from above them, just enough that his eyes began to adjust. Just enough, just to where he could see Johnny’s form standing close to him. 

“Yuta! You’re back.”

It was much easier to hear Taeyong’s voice from right below his feet. Despite the darkness it was clear from the creaking footsteps above that they must be right under the floor boards now. Within the beams of light motes of dust swirled and danced, and each step from above sent another cascade coming down around them.

Jaehyun hid his face in the fabric of Johnny’s shirt, desperately trying to quiet his breathing. He worried, foolishly, if they could hear the frantic beating of his heart.

“A pleasure to meet you,” the man said. “We’re terribly sorry to disturb your lives so early in the morning, but the guard has been hunting desperately for weeks now.”

“Yuta, this is Ser Gavin, and his companion, Ser Lavinia. They’re looking for the Divine.”

“You must have heard by now of his disappearance,” Lavinia said coolly, nowhere near as warm and inviting as her counterpart. “Messengers have been sent throughout the country to spread descriptions of His Holiness and his guardian. We’re hoping you may have heard something.”

There was a moment of silence, followed by a gasp. “You’re a holy annointed saint,” Gavin said breathlessly. “Ser, I’m so sorry, we had no idea any of you had traveled so far beyond the walls of Ardent.”

Ah. That wasn’t good. Any time his “Sainthood” was brought up Yuta got a bit...prickly.

“He appreciates your visit and your duty to the church,” Taeyong said slowly. Jaehyun wondered just how far his translation strayed from Yuta’s actual words. “He left to better serve the people beyond the wall, he settled here years ago to help me in my duties as healer.”

“Noble,” Lavinia said, as if she thought it was anything but. Something about her made fear prickle along the back of Jaehyun’s neck. 

“Yuta, have you heard anything?” Taeyong guided gently, doing his best to take control of the situation before it could spiral out of hand. To the guards he said, “He spent a week abroad, recently.”

“Any small bit of information may help,” Gavin urged, breathless and eager.

Jaehyun swallowed hard, clinging tightly to Johnny, eyes squeezed shut.

Silence, and then Taeyong’s weary sigh. “He says he hasn’t heard much, though some of the old merchants in Lament were discussing two strangers passing through. They were asking about purchasing horses to ride west, to the mountains.” He paused again. “They said one of the men didn’t strike a chord, but the other looked particularly familiar. Tall, imposing sort of fellow. Dark eyes and grim countenance. They couldn’t place where they knew him from, though.”

“The mountains,” Lavinia repeated, voice rough. “That will take them past our country’s borders. If they pass into Meridian then our chances of recovering the most Holy become slim.”

“Will you be able to save him?” Taeyong asked, breathless. He was quite the actor. Jaehyun couldn’t help the slightly hysterical laugh that tried to bubble up from his chest, biting down on Johnny’s shoulder to keep himself silent. Johnny went rigid, reaching up to give Jaehyun’s hair a small tug in retaliation.

“We will, don’t worry,” Gavin said soothingly. “You’ve given us such useful information, I commend you for it. We’ll take our leave, if anything else comes to mind please do get a message to Ardent as quickly as possible.”

“You have our word,” Taeyong say, the lie smooth and believable. “Here. For your journey. Our hens have been healthy and happy as of late, we have more eggs than we know what to do with. And some cheese and bread, for your journey home.”

There were footsteps, rustling about, and then a soft laugh from Ser Gabriel. “This will surely be better than the filth the taverns in the area serve. We are in your debt.”

Jaehyun listened to them all make their bows and say their goodbyes, the leather boots of the guards heavy on the floor. He trembled as they waited, waited, waited for the footsteps to leave the house above them and fade away, for the sounds of horses nickering and then trotting off into the distance. But before that could come they paused in the doorway, and Jaehyun’s heart shuddered once more.

“Sers, would you let us look around the property?” Lavinia’s voice had changed, a certain rising inflection tilting her words as she clearly tried to win them over. “We must be diligent, as you well know. It would soothe us to be sure of your words, though I’m sure you’re the...honest, upstanding type.”

In the guest house their best was unmade, the embers of last night’s fire still glowing in the shallow pit that warmed the room. It would be obvious that the room was recently occupied. Jaehyun grit his teeth, eyes shuttering tight as he hoped that Taeyong was a good actor. He’d done well so far, but lies were harder to maintain the more you had to build on them.

It was a helpless feeling, this strange sort of waiting. Jaehyun didn’t know what to do. In most situations all he could do was stand back and wait, wait for Johnny to save him or the cardinals to put him in his place. With no other ideas he stepped back to put space between he and Johnny, lifting his hands to clasp them before him. 

Who did one pray to, when one was supposedly god? Who would hear? He remembered asking himself the same question before, at a time that felt so far away. Back then it didn’t seem that anyone had heard.

Very well, then. If no one else was listening then he would pray for himself.

“Please,” he mouthed, not daring to let even the slightest whisper pass his lips. He was silent, but he spoke the words with the full force of his heart. “Please, let something happen. Let something keep us safe. We’ve finally found a home, even if it’s a temporary one. I want to stay here.” 

His head fell forward, eyes fluttering shut as his forehead hit Johnny’s shoulder. _I want to stay here,_ he thought, a steady ache radiating in his chest. 

Above them, the conversation continued. “Gladly,” Taeyong said, voice smooth. There was no trace of fear in his voice, and Jaehyun could only hope that meant that he had a plan. “There’s not much to see, but you’re welcome to all of it. Yuta, will you lead the way?”

Jaehyun had begun to sweat. His shirt stuck uncomfortable to his lower back, moisture collecting in a host of uncomfortable places. He was wondering if he could silently flutter his shirt to cool himself down when a strange scent filled his nostrils, pausing his motions.

Johnny must have caught it too. “Is that...smoke?” he whispered, barely audible over the sound of footsteps leaving the house.

Sure enough, the scorched smell of something burning had drifted into the small, dark space they hid in. It was light, but present enough that there was no mistaking the scent of ash and char. Before Jaehyun could wonder or worry he heard a shout and voices calling to each other in panic.

“Yuta, the bucket in my work room, go get it! You um...Gavin, there’s a well on the other side of the house, go draw water and bring it back.”

The guest house was burning.

If Jaehyun had felt helpless before, it was nothing compared to now. All he and Johnny could do was wait in a panicked silence as Yuta, Jaehyun and the two soldiers tried to put out the blaze, the sound of running passing by again and again as they brought bucket after bucket of water. For a moment Jaehyun considered the tub they’d used last night, but it was currently hidden behind the flames. Besides, how could he pass on the idea, when their only job was to stay hidden until the danger had passed?

Jaehyun felt Johnny’s arms go tighter around him, pulling him close. He returned the embrace, lifting his hand to stroke Johnny’s hair with small, soothing passes of his fingers. He knew Johnny. He knew that being helpless was his companion’s worst fear. And here they were, unable to help as the very world burned down around them.

Time passed slowly, but finally, the fire was out. He could hear harsh, ragged breaths as four sets of feet tramped back inside, the sound of one body hitting the floor as someone sat heavily just above them.

“An unfortunate event, to be sure,” Gavin heaved, breath a soft wheeze. “I am sorry for the loss to your property.”

“It could have been worse,” Taeyong said, though he sounded grim. “We merely used the space for keeping patients unable to move back and forth much, there was nothing in there. Still, we’ll have to rebuild before the weather turns for the worst.”

Even from below, Jaehyun could tell that the silence that followed was an awkward one. “Ah. Well. We shall leave you to it, then,” Gavin said. “We should pass on the information you gave us an...leave you to your repairs.”

“I wish you luck in your search,” Taeyong said, and it was clear that he was exhausted to his very bones. “If we can be of any other assistance, if you should need any healing, please return.” His words were accompanied by the shuffling of bodies, more footsteps, and then the front door being opened and shut. Jaehyun and Johnny listened as armor clinked and jingled further and further away, until there was nothing but the sound of hoofbeats disappearing into the distance.

They waited in heavy silence for five minutes, then ten, then twenty, until two pairs of feet raced out of the house and around the back to free them from their dismal prison.

As Taeyong lifted the door light flooded in, burning Jaehyun’s eyes as he blinked up at the faces staring down at them. He could now make out that had been in a cellar, various casks and rolls of cheese stacked on shelves around them. “They’re gone?” he asked, breathless and small.

“They’re gone,” Taeyong said, worry etched into every line of his face. “Johnny, your leg? You didn’t land on it poorly?”

“I landed on the good one,” Johnny assured, giving Jaehyun a small squeeze. When Taeyong reached down Jaehyun took his hand, and they managed together to get him up and back on solid ground. Johnny took a bit more effort, being comprised of nothing but solid muscle, but with Yuta’s help they managed.

Not too far from the cellar door they could see the remnants of the guest house, charred and ruined, a smoking husk. Jaehyun stared, shock numbing his limbs. They’d slept there every night for some days now. To see it gone, nothing more than some crooked beams and the remains of the few pieces of furniture inside, snatched the air from his lungs.

What’s more...he couldn’t help but wonder if his prayers had caused this.

“Yuta, Taeyong, I’m so sorry…” he whispered, hands clasped over his chest. 

Taeyong snorted, waving off Jaehyun’s concern. Still, Jaehyun could see through his dismissal. He could see the tight line of Taeyong’s jaw, could see the red rim around his eyes as he surveyed the damage.

“If anything, it was lucky,” he said, voice husky from the smoke. “I didn’t know how I’d explain that someone was very clearly living in there, we’d just failed to mention it. It was a good change of subject.”

“How did you know they were coming?” Johnny asked, getting his crutches underneath him and following Yuta and Taeyong back into the main house. “I can’t imagine you had much of a head start.”

Taeyong seemed to be shaking as he knelt down, cleaning up the remnants of a broken bowl scattered across the floor. “Yuta walks the woods in the morning, before the sunrise. He likes to keep his eyes on the area to make sure there’s nothing troublesome coming our way,” he explained, eyes flickering about as he wrestled with his nerves. “He heard their horses, ran back to warn me. He had just enough time to get out of the house to come rouse you before they were here.”

Yuta began to sign, but Taeyong was so distracted that he forgot to translate. With a soft sigh Yuta knelt, pulling Taeyong into his arms and holding him close. For a few moments Jaehyun could only watch, wringing his hands together as he wrestled with the guilt of being the cause for all of this.

“I’m sorry,” he said finally, voice thick with emotion. “I’m sorry you had to lie for me. That you had to be frightened. We’ve been a burden to you, but you’ve never once complained or even turned a harsh word in our direction. I’m so...I’m so grateful to you. To both of you.”

Yuta looked up, offering a weary smile as he rubbed a soothing hand over Taeyong’s back. When Taeyong was finally settled he pulled away, running a hand through his hair. “We haven’t done anything other than what we should,” he said, the raw honesty in his voice putting Jaehyun at ease. “You haven’t told us the full story, but it’s so obvious that you’ve been mistreated.” When Yuta added something he continued, “And as my husband so delicately points out, the church is full of pompous assholes and they’re no friends of ours.”

That earned a weak laugh from Jaehyun. “Still. We owe you so much. I don’t know how to repay you.”

Taeyong took a deep breath, standing and discarding the shards of pottery. He moved to the doorway, taking a few deep breaths before responding. “Pay us back by telling us your story. All of it.”

-

The day was spent trying to make sense of the ruined guesthouse. Once the remains were cool enough to touch they started hauling piece after piece away, moving them to big piles on the edge of the land to be dealt with later. The work was hard. Distracting. Jaehyun was grateful for it, grateful that the ache in his back and the sweat on his forehead distracted him from the thoughts tumbling around in his head.

Once they’d cleaned everything away they moved inside, converting Taeyong’s work room into a space for Johnny and Jaehyun to sleep. There was no bed, no small comforts, but they made due with some spare blankets and furs that they stacked into a good enough mattress. The table they’d set Johnny’s leg on was pushed to the wall, but despite it being cramped and small, Jaehyun was grateful. Why would he complain when he might very well be the reason their usual quarters had burnt down?

When it was time to retire for the day they lit a fire outside, stacking wood high and urging it into a crackling blaze. Yuta had disappeared into the woods sometime around late afternoon and had come back a few hours later with a net full of fish; Taeyong showed Jaehyun how he took a long, thin rod, pierced it through the fish, and held it over the flame to cook.

“They don’t take long,” he explained, occasionally turning the spits so everything cooked evenly. “If the skin gets a bit black that’s all well and good, it’s better than eating raw fish.”

Jaehyun took one of the offered skewers, holding it carefully. “Why don’t the rods catch fire?”

“They’ve been soaked in water,” Taeyong answered. “If they were dry I’m sure they’d light right up, but they’re too wet to catch.”

As Taeyong and Jaehyun manned the fish Yuta tossed a handful of potatoes right next to the fire, wrapped in large green leaves. He buried them in the soil, close enough that the heat of the fire would easily reach them. Jaehyun sighed at the promise of another hot meal, mouth watering at the thought.

“Now,” Taeyong urged, looking in his direction. “Tell us who you are. From the beginning.”

Jaehyun had never been tasked with telling his own story before. He’d never considered that there was much to tell; his days before their escape were often all the same, from waking up and eating a small breakfast of porridge, to sitting through mass, to spending hours in the library reading about the gods that came before. It wasn’t as glamorous as people seemed to think. Maybe, though, that was what made it such a compelling story. Everyone seemed so shocked that he wasn’t a pampered prince, sleeping on silks drinking the finest wines.

He looked over to Johnny, taking a slow breath. “The beginning? What’s the beginning?”

“You were born,” Johnny says slowly, as if trying to remind him. “The old nun was blind…”

“Oh, right, that story,” Jaehyun hummed. “Well. They say that when I was born, the old woman who oversaw the convent my mother was taken to was blind. My mother died giving birth to me, and when they passed me to the mother superior her sight was restored. Who knows the truth behind that, though.”

Johnny shifted slightly at his side, and Jaehyun sighed at his obvious discomfort. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I’ll try not to be so…”

“Dismissive of everything I’ve ever been taught about the world and how it works?” Johnny managed to tease, lips twisted into a wry smile.

Jaehyun smiled weakly. “Yes. That.” He shook his head, watching as the heat turned the fish from a dull gray to a smooth, even white. “From what I’m told I spent my early years going between the cathedral and a small convent within the city walls. Even back then the Profane were after me, so I was moved often to keep them off of my trail.”

“It must have been some blow to Doyoung to find he’d been wrong about you his entire life,” Taeyong mused. At his guidance Jaehyun moved the fish from the fire, holding it straight up to let it cool. “Johnny, how old were you when you were brought to the church?”

“I was five,” Johnny answered simple. He had his elbows resting on his knees, his chin resting on one palm. 

“Right. So I was three,” Jaehyun nodded. “Johnny was essentially sold to my service.” He looked down, swallowing past a sudden hard knot of emotion that lodged in his throat. “He wasn’t even given a name. By anyone. Even I didn’t think to ask, too caught up in thinking the world revolved around me.”

“You weren’t named at birth?” Taeyong asked with a frown, taking the skewered fish and passing them around the fire. “Your family must have been terribly poor, they knew they weren’t going to keep you.”

“Exactly that,” Johnny said with a shrug. “I never worried too much about it. I had my duty, there was no sense in feeling hurt and abandoned.”

“And I hate that,” Jaehyun choked. “You deserve better. You deserve love.”

Johnny sat forward, face unreadable in the strange light cast by the fire. He reached over, taking Jaehyun’s hand and squeezing it firmly. They shouldn’t behave this way, so brazenly in front of people as good as strangers. Jaehyun shouldn’t seek Johnny’s comfort when speaking of sorrows not his own. And yet here they were, and what was the sense in lamenting everything up until that point?

“I have love,” Johnny murmured. “I don’t doubt that for a second, so don’t you go fussing about it.”

Jaehyun nodded, heaving a deep breath. Their hands stayed clasped together for a moment before they withdrew, Jaehyun needing the action of picking at his food to keep him focused.

“Every week was fairly similar. Three days were for mass, one was for procession, one was for penance.” He raised one hand, palm out. The welts and scars left on his flesh by Humble over the years were perhaps not as deep and vicious as Johnny’s were, but they were there nonetheless. Thick across his palms and the soles of his feet, as lashes against his most tender skin seemed to be Humble’s favourite way to torment him. “Every few months I’d have to sit while they cut childrens’ tongues out in front of me.” His eyes flickered to Yuta before moving quickly back to the fire. “Meals were the same every day, unless Johnny snuck me something from the kitchen as a treat. Porridge, morning and night.”

“Always under the veil?” Taeyong asked. 

“Always under the veil,” Jaehyun said with a nod. “I was allowed to read, which did bring me quite a lot of pleasure. It was my only window into the outside world.”

At that thought Jaehyun paused, sitting straight up and lifting a hand to his mouth as a thought occurred to him. Without thinking both hands went lax, the fish he’d been picking at plummeting towards the ground. Just before it could land Yuta reached out, snatching it up and saving it from being ruined in the dirt.

“Jaehyun?” Johnny frowned, leaning over. “Hyunnie, what’s wrong?”

“The snowdrop,” Jaehyun gasped, eyes wide and glistening as they reflected the light of the fire. “The snowdrop you brought me, the one I used as a bookmark, your gift from the first time you traveled!”

Johnny frowned, clearly not making the connection. “What about it? Jaehyun, what’s got you so worried?”

Looking back, Jaehyun wouldn’t be able to describe why this was the catalyst that uncorked the emotion he’d kept stoppered for so long. Sure, during their journey he’d felt frightened, or sad, or guilty, but so much of those feelings barely scratched the surface of what he was forcing down. It was like he was drowning. The world seemed to sway, but—no, he was the one swaying, wasn’t he? Rocking back and forth, tears springing to his eyes, arms wrapped tight around himself.

“I left it behind!” he gasped, tears slipping free from the prison of his lashes to run unchecked down pale cheeks. “I’d had it forever, I kept it with me any time you left, to remind myself that you were coming back. I was going to bring it along but we had to leave so quickly, I forgot to fetch it from the book it was hidden in!”

“Oh, Jaehyun…” Johnny moved to his knees, kneeling at Jaehyun’s side. One hand reached up, careful fingertips brushing away the tear that clung to the high ridge of his cheekbone. “Jaehyun, there are so many more flowers in the world, I’d find you one of each kind and colour if you asked me. You don’t need that one in particular, I’ll find you a better one.”

The thought was a miserable one. “I don’t want a better flower,” he moaned, seeming to forget their audience as he turned his face away, choked and hiccuped and cried like a child denied their favourite trinket. “I want that one, the first one you gave me. I can’t believe I left it behind, I’m such a fool!”

He wept pitifully, trembling as Johnny took him into his arms. Later he’d be able to see this for what it was; a lifetime’s worth of sorrow and mistreatment catching up to him, all represented through the loss of one small flower. But that flower had been hope, hope that there was one person in a cold, unkind world who cared for him. Who saw him for what he truly was, and not for the false idol he was made to be.

It took a while for him to calm down. It wasn’t until he noticed Yuta standing over him, brandishing a handkerchief in his direction, that his shame flooded in. He took the cloth, dabbing gently at his eyes.

“I’m sorry, I’m acting like a child,” he hiccuped. “Crying over something so silly.”

Taeyong clucked his tongue softly. Jaehyun was grateful that there was no pity in his eyes, just a calm understanding that helped to centre the twisting emotions writhing inside of him. “I don’t think it’s silly at all,” Taeyong said, rather matter-of-factly. “Your world was grim. You knew so much violence and so little love, why wouldn’t you cling to something like that?”

“Johnny is right here though,” Jaehyun said hoarsely from the cage of Johnny’s arms. “What right do I have to cry over a flower when he’s right here?”

“Well. Our minds aren’t always sensible when we’re going through stress,” Taeyong said kindly. “When my mother died I set out a plate for her each and every meal, even though I knew she wasn’t coming back. I wasted so much food back then, just to follow a routine. To somehow put my sadness into a physical shape that I could understand. I did it right up until Yuta came. Then the plates were suddenly for him.” He shrugged, fishing one of the potatoes out of the dirt and brushing it off. “It’s not strange that you wish it were here. It’ll stop hurting so much, though. Time tends to do that.”

Jaehyun nodded, mired down by how foolish he felt. His face was swollen and tender, flushed and wet, and it was all he could do not to hide himself behind the handkerchief that Yuta had so graciously provided. 

What’s more, his outburst had put Johnny’s senses on high alert. His need to care for Jaehyun was strong, but he had so little practice himself dealing with emotion like this. All he could do was sit close, pressed tight to Jaehyun’s side, arms wrapped around him as Jaehyun came down from the cliffside he’d nearly toppled over. 

Slowly the conversation returned to life. Taeyong told them about his mother, a kind, clever woman who had been much sought after for her skills in healing. Yuta told them a bit about his childhood in Ardent, the struggles his family had faced before offering him to be Silenced. Jaehyun longed to ask more, to inquire after his feelings on the matter and what happened to drive him past the city walls, but he thought that those might, perhaps, be questions for later.

“We should retire,” Johnny said after a while, using his crutches to stand. As everyone muttered their agreement he put out the fire, taking handfuls of sand and throwing them onto the blaze until it was smothered below the weight. “The sun won’t wait to rise because we stayed up too late talking.”

Jaehyun huffed, giving a small, fond smile. His Johnny was forever practical. As his eyes adjusted to the moonlight he stood, stretching his arms high above his head. 

“Well. Thank you for supper,” he said, giving a small nod of his head. “And...everything else, I suppose. We’ll see you in the morning.”

As they began to trudge into the house Jaehyun felt a small tug at his sleeve, turning to see Taeyong waiting at his side. They held back for a moment, letting Johnny and Yuta walk ahead as they stalled back beside the snuffed fire pit.

“What is it? Is everything alright?” Jaehyun asked, eyes wide.

Taeyong gave a small smile, dropping Jaehyung’s sleeve to fold his arms before him. “I’m sorry, I won’t steal you for very long. I just wanted to speak to you on...a certain matter before we parted ways for the evening.”

His words caused confusion; Jaehyun couldn’t imagine what they might need to speak on in private. He desperately hoped it wasn’t about his outburst, he still felt particularly ashamed and wasn’t quite ready to speak on the matter. Still, he steeled his nerves and gave a small nod. “Anything you need. What is it?”

Taeyong grinned, looking down for a moment. “Ah...this will be an uncomfortable conversation, but I think we’ve become close enough that we can ford this river together. Last night...was that your first time? With Johnny?”

Jaehyun’s face immediately flushed so brightly that he worried it would light up the entire night sky, as bright as daylight. He had to strongly resist the urge to cover his face with his hands.

“You could hear?” he asked weakly. “Taeyong I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, we’ll be more quiet. I promise-”

“Jaehyun, it’s fine,” Taeyong laughed, his own blush apparent despite the dark. “We could barely hear you. It was more how you behaved today, you’ve been...different. More comfortable touching him, I think. Easy around Johnny in a way you hadn’t been. At first I thought it was just panic, driven by the fire, but I realized...I’m sorry, I swear I’m not asking this to bring you discomfort.”

Jaehyun nodded, taking a deep breath to calm himself. Thank god for the chill night air, cooling his burning face. “It was. Our first time, that is. Touching each other like that.” His mind went back to the night before, the heat of Johnny’s touch, the odd sort of comfort of tearing down all of their walls. “I had no idea it would be like that…”

“I’m not surprised, I highly doubt the fathers would give you that sort of knowledge. About how it can be. How it should be,” Taeyong nodded. He took a breath, letting it out slowly. “I’m a healer, Jaehyun. Beyond that, I’m married to Yuta, which would keep any man on his toes. If there’s ever...information you need, questions you have, I’m here. I’m sure it will be strange at first, and we’ll both be about as red as tomatoes any time we speak of it, but it might make the rest of your...experiences...even better.”

It was never an offer Jaehyun thought he’d hear made, and though he still felt particularly bashful, he was also filled with a deep gratitude. “You would do that?”

“I would,” Taeyong nodded. He rolled his eyes, snorting. “My first time was...trust me, neither of us knew what we were doing, and Yuta can be...exuberant. I don’t think I could walk for three days after. Let me save you that pain.”

Jaehyun gave a short, high-pitched laugh. “I...very well. I’ll take whatever help I can get. Thank you, Taeyong.”

Taeyong nodded, giving a short bow before finally seeing himself off to bed. Jaehyun made his way to their new sleeping quarters, walking in to find Johnny waiting for him on the pile of furs and fabrics that now made up their bed.

“You’re alright?” Johnny asked, worry obvious on his face despite the barest candle-glow filling the room. “What did Taeyong want?”

“Just to talk. Offer help if I needed it,” Jaehyun said, toeing out of his boots before moving to sit at Johnny’s side. He took his hand, lacing their fingers together and giving a small squeeze. “I’m sorry for my outburst earlier.”

Johnny scoffed, raising Jaehyun’s hand to his lips and pressing a tender kiss to his knuckles. “You’ve nothing to apologize for. You’ve lived your life choking down every sorrow you’ve ever felt, I’m glad that you let yourself process these things now.”

Jaehyun nodded, scraping his teeth over his bottom lip as he went through the days events in his head. “Johnny I...there’s something I need to tell you.”

“Anything,” Johnny said, pulling Jaehyun easily into his arms. It was so easy now, the way they fit together. “What is it?”

The words seemed to get stuck in Jaehyun’s throat; he tried to work them out, nearly choking on them before he was able to speak. “I think...I may have caused the fire.”

Johnny frowned, resting his lips against Jaehyun’s temple. “Because the fire was still burning? Jaehyun, that was a decision all three of us made. If you’re to blame then so am I. So is Yuta.”

“No,” Jaehyun choked, catching him off guard. “No, not because of that. Just before we smelled smoke I was...praying. Not to any of the old gods, more to...myself?” Saying it outloud felt miserably arrogant, but he forced himself to keep going. “I prayed that something would happen to keep us safe, so they wouldn’t discover we’d been staying there. And then the house caught fire.” 

He pulled back, a look of fear painted across his delicate face. “Johnny, what if I caused it?”

Johnny was silent for quite some time, as if considering his words. Finally he sighed, reaching up to stroke Jaehyun’s cheek. “I can’t tell you if you did or didn’t, Hyunnie. I don’t have that power. What I can tell you is that, even if you marched back there and lit the fire with your own two hands, I wouldn’t blame you. I don’t think Yuta or Taeyong would, either. We needed a distraction, and if somehow you managed to give us one? I’m grateful.”

His words managed to soothe Jaehyun, calming the storm that had been raging inside of him. “Johnny I don’t...I don’t want…”

Johnny leaned foreward, touching their foreheads together tenderly. “I know. You don’t want to be what they say you are. You don’t want that sort of burden. And I can’t truly say if you have it or not. But whatever happens, I’m here. Alright? Whoever you are, I’ll be right beside you.”

Jaehyun hummed, closing his eyes. That sat like that for some time, quiet and comfortable, merely holding each other’s hands and enjoying the companionable silence as his nerves calmed and his heartbeat slowed. Finally Johnny gave another firm squeeze before withdrawing his fingers, patting Jaehyun’s thigh. 

“Come on. Let’s sleep. You’ve had a long day.”

Undressing for bed was serene and slow, Jaehyung stripping to his shirt before helping Johnny out of his pants and small clothes. They slid back into bed, taking their usual position; Johnny stretched out on his back, Jaeyun half sprawled on top of him. Johnny lifted his hand to stroke through Jaehyun’s hair, leaning down to press kiss after kiss to his forehead.

“I’m sorry for every sadness you’ve felt,” he whispered, resting his free hand on the small of Jaehyun’s back. “For every pain. But I swear, Jaehyun. For every misery, I’ll give you joy. I promise.”

Jaehyun smiled softly, heart filling as he listened to the gentle thud of Johnny’s heart under his ear. “Where did you learn such pretty words, Ser Cavalier?” he said, the tension draining from his limbs. “Did you live a previous life as a poet?”

“Pretty gods inspire pretty verses, I think,” Johnny teased. “Goodnight, Jaehyunnie.”

Jaehyun pressed a kiss to the firm skin of Johnny’s chest. “Goodnight, my love.”

As he drifted he began to think once more of his snowdrop, alone and abandoned, left in the cathedral between the pages of a book on church history. It ached to lose it. There was no masking that pain. But laying there, listening to Johnny’s heartbeat pressed against his ribs…

If Jaehyun had that, what use did he have for a flower?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW THIS CHAPTER TOOK ME FOREVER TO WRITE. I have to really thank my wife for this one; the first draft of this was really just not the quality I was looking for. She read through, mirrored my exact concerns with the chapter, and helped me work through them to produce something I'm really happy with. Get you a good editor that builds you up and makes you stronger! And then marry them. Thanks for the patience guys, I really didn't want to give you a shitty chapter!


	15. A Murder of Crows

“How can anyone survive this torment? This is madness!”

Taeyong shot Johnny an unimpressed glare, quirking one eyebrow and pressing his lips into a tight line. “It’s knitting, not surgery. Not everything is swish swish, stab stab. Sometimes tasks take delicacy. Now relax your hands, the only reason you’re struggling is because your tension is too tight.”

Johnny grumbled, setting down the twisted mess of yarn that was (supposedly) going to be a scarf. He wiggled and flexed his hands a bit before picking the needles back up, eyebrows drawn together as he dove back in. “There are people who do this sort of thing,” he lamented, stabbing one of the needles through a loop and wrapping the yarn around it.

“Who...are you planning on asking to do this?” Taeyong said slowly, looking around the four of them as if giving it great consideration. “You may think this is a woman’s work, but there are no women here. And I’m certainly not going to mend your socks every time you tear a hole in them. Nor is Jaehyun.”

“Although I am getting very good at it,” Jaehyun said with pride, looking down at the shirt he was attempting to stitch back together. The seam was oddly tight which made it look a bit lumpy where the arm connected to the rest of the tunic, but he was still rather proud.

Taeyong shot him a fond smile. “You’re doing well.”

“You’re a slave driver,” Johnny muttered.

“You’re damn right I am. Keep knitting.”

Jaehyun bit hard into his lip as he listened to the exchange, doing everything in his power not to laugh. He had to be loyal to Johnny, no matter how silly he sounded. Carefully, slowly, he pursed his lips, choking down any hint of amusement that might erupt out of him. It made it worse that he kept catching Yuta’s eye, and Yuta would simply grin and wiggle his eyebrows as if to say “can you believe them?”

A month ago, before they came to this humble little farm in the middle of the woods, Jaehyun would have been terrified of their bickering. Love used to be such a precious commodity, it was all too easy to believe that it was fragile, fleeting. Now it felt...warm. Affectionate. He could see their respect for each other despite their snippy back and forth, and it warmed him. 

“I think Johnny would rather wear clothing full of holes than be bothered to mend,” Jaehyun said, finally letting himself join in on the teasing. “He’d probably run around naked if it meant he wouldn’t have to handle his own repairs.”

Johnny gasped, putting on a great show of being wounded. “The very love of my life, turned against me. I sit here, crippled, and you won’t even rise to my defense.” Sighing deeply, he set down his needles once more so he could pick at a knot that had tangled itself into the yarn. “After everything we’ve been through.”

“The poor little lamb,” Jaehyun laughed, hiding his mouth behind his hand. He watched as Johnny fussed at the snarls, seemingly doing little more than making it worse. Jaehyun stood, moving to kneel before him. “Here, you’re being too rough. You’re going to make it worse.”

With gentle fingers he took the tangled mess, carefully picking at it with the tips of his fingers. Johnny really had done a number on the yarn. It seemed that wherever Jaehyun pulled the knot would only tighten elsewhere, back and forth, allowing no quarter. He hummed, considering the mess. 

And then a thought came to him. A curiosity more than anything. With the worst of the tangle laying in his palm he closed his eyes and thought, _Don’t you want to come undone? Please, let me help you untie yourself._ The words were simple, enticing, as if he was trying to convince a small child to take its medicine. He even stroked a thumb lovingly over the mess, soothing it, putting it at ease.

This time, when he opened his eyes and plucked at the strings, they quickly came loose. It was as if they wanted to be untangled, practically working themselves out on their own, leading the way for Jaehyun’s fingers until the yarn was a smooth line once more.

Something thrilling burst inside of Jaehyun. It was bright, exquisite, like crackling sparks floating off above a fire. Still, at the same time he was terrified. Had he been too impulsive?

He looked up at Johnny, giving a small smile. “There,” he said softly. “That’s better.” He looked up to see a look of pure shock on Johnny’s face, wide eyed and stunned to silence. Jaehyun quickly looked down, blushing. “It wasn’t that bad of a knot, you’re just too heavy handed.”

“Jaehyun.” Johnny carefully set his project aside, taking Jaehyun’s hands in his own. “Was that…”

The urge to run, to lie his way out of the situation was strong. Jaehyun had to remind himself that he was safe. That whatever strangeness was inside of him, Johnny would see it and love it just as he loved the rest. So he took a deep breath and nodded, offering a cautious smile.

“I’ve been...pulling at the edges of whatever it is,” he whispered, the pink in his cheeks warm and bright. “Testing it. Stupid little things, like getting one of the chickens to let me pick it up, or convincing the flowers outside of the door to bloom.” He looked down, focusing on his hands, clasped tight in his lap where he knelt at Johnny’s feet. “I’ve always been afraid of this, terrified that it might be real. And I think I still am. Afraid. But if this is something I can use to help us...I think I ought to.”

Warm hands reached out, carefully cupping his cheeks and lifting his face. Johnny was smiling warmly, emotion sparkling in his eyes. “This just proves it. What you are. I knew you were, Jaehyun. I knew you couldn’t be just some ordinary person.”

“No, don’t say that,” Jaehyun said quickly, pleading. “It doesn’t mean anything of the sort. Just that I have...some sort of talent that not everyone has. Like Taeyong’s healing. Your swordplay.” He bit his lip, lifting his hand to cover one of Johnny’s. “I don’t want to be...you know. I don’t want to be anything other than an ordinary person.”

Johnny studied him closely, thumbs swiping gently over his cheekbones. He was clearly searching for something. Jaehyun wasn’t sure if he found it, but the smile he offered put his aching heart at ease. “Very well. A normal person. Well, as normal as you can be for someone who’s never been stung by a bee,” he teased.

Relief washed over Jaehyun in waves. Before he could speak he heard two claps, and turned to look at Yuta.

_Does this mean you really did burn down our guest house?_

Jaehyun’s blush came back full force, this time stretching out to his ears and all the way down to his neck. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, I promise we’ll pay you back for it however we can! I had no idea I could even—”

But Yuta was laughing, and Taeyong was looking for something to throw at him. “Don’t mind him, he thinks he’s funny,” Taeyong snorted, shaking his head. “Ruining a perfectly lovely moment like that. I married an animal.”

Yuta giggled helplessly, dodging the mending that had been waiting on Taeyong’s skilled hands. Easily catching the pair of pants that had come sailing for his head, he folded them and set them to the side. _I’m going hunting tomorrow. Would you like to come with me?_

For a moment Jaehyun didn’t realize the question was meant for him. It just made more sense for Yuta to be asking Johnny, the one who was actually skilled in hunting and setting traps. A few awkward seconds passed, and when Yuta was still looking at him, Jaehyun’s eyes widened as he realized he was the one being spoken to.

“Me?” he asked, pointing to himself. “How on earth will I be of any use?”

_I don’t think you will, not really,_ Yuta responded with a wry grin. _But you need to learn, so tomorrow is as good a day as any. I can teach you a few useful things that will help you when you’re back on the road._

The thought was equal parts terrifying and exciting. Jaehyun chewed his lip as he considered it, tried to imagine what sort of trouble they might run into together, what exciting things he might see. More than anything he wondered who would save them if they got into trouble; sure, Yuta was strong, capable, good at dealing with monsters and wild animals, but the church was vicious. If they were spotted the guard would do anything to get him back. Anything.

He looked at Johnny, heart fluttering in excitement at the prospect of being taken along. “What do you think? Is it alright?”

Johnny was clearly going through the same internal struggle as Jaehyun. “You know you don’t have to ask my permission,” he said slowly, begrudgingly. “What have I said? I didn’t save you from one cage to put you in another.”

“I know this,” Jaehyun said affectionately. He still sat at Johnny’s feet, a hand resting on his knee. “But I also know that the idea of letting me out of your sight worries you, and that you’ll fuss all day if you’re not there with a sword to rush to my aid.”

“For what it’s worth, I trust Yuta with my life on a daily basis,” Taeyong pointed out. “He’s slain his fair share of giants in the time we’ve been together. He knows what he’s doing.” He blushed at the fond look Yuta sent him. “Besides, if something attacks you, just throw him to the beast and run for your life. Should buy you some time.”

Jaehyun laughed as Yuta fluttered his lashes and made obscene kissing noises in Taeyong’s direction. Turning back to Johnny, he said, “I would like to go, I think. There’s so much more to learn, and I’d be much more useful to you on the road if I could help you hunt.”

“Then go,” Johnny nodded, voice steady and sure. 

Though Johnny swore Jaehyun didn’t need his blessing, it still felt good to have it. He leaned forward, kissing Johnny’s cheek sweetly. “I’ll be a seasoned hunter in no time,” he hummed. “Just you wait.”

-

The next morning Yuta roused him before the sun had even begun to peek over the horizon. Jaehyun yawned and blinked at him through the darkness of the room, lifting a hand to rub at his eyes. “Already?”

“Mhm.” Yuta offered a hand, helping him up from the mattress on the floor. It was no use signing, the room was too dark. Besides that, Jaehyun hadn’t been awake long enough to remember what half of the words meant, anyway. Instead he slowly changed into his clothes, grabbing his cloak and a scarf Taeyong had leant him for the excursion. He padded barefoot into the main room, slowly but surely adjusting to the lack of light.

“Why must we leave so early?” he asked, stooping to pull on his boots. He’d taken to wearing a pair of thick woolen socks underneath—another gift from Taeyong, along with the rest of his clothing. Everything that they’d brought along with them had been lost in the fire, Taeyong didn’t have much choice lest he want two half naked men wandering his home at all hours. They’d really need to find some way to repay him for all he’d given in their scant few weeks there. “Is it wise to hunt when you can barely see a foot in front of yourself?”

Yuta grinned, leaning against the door frame as he watched Jaehyun pull himself together. He unfolded his arms to reply, _It will take us some time to get to where we’re going, so the sun will be rising by then. That’s when animals start leaving their dwellings to find food. Our chances of finding prey are better_.

“That makes sense,” Jaehyun said around another yawn. “Alright, almighty teacher. I am ready to learn.”

They’d forged an tight bond in the month Jaehyun and Johnny had been there. It was easy to follow Yuta into the woods, easy to trust that he wouldn’t put Jaehyun into any foolish danger. That was another pleasant surprise; he’d never suspected he’d put his life in any hands other than Johnny’s, would only ever rely on Johnny to keep him safe. Now he knew there were at least two other people he could depend on. Maybe more, had they stayed with the Profane a while longer, which...what a thought. Trusting the Profane.

For quite some time the day was easy, languid in a way that curled happily under Jaehyun’s skin and warmed him from the inside out. Yuta showed him how to look for signs that certain animals lived nearby, pointed out their different tracks and how to figure out how long it had been since they passed through. Jaehyun was pleased by how quickly he took to setting up snares. He tried not to think of what came _after_ you caught something, but for now, he would revel in his success.

When the sun was high enough to chase some of the bitter cold away they found a river, sitting beside it as they took their lunch. Yuta had packed a simple meal of apples and cheese, had even nicked one of the meat pies Taeyong had made the day before for them to split. 

“You’re lucky he knows how to cook, I’ve never eaten so well,” Jaehyun moaned around a mouthful of food, happy enough to forget basic etiquette for the moment.

Yuta grinned, freeing one hand to respond. _I know. Trust me. He’s a talented man._

“Ugh. I know that has a double meaning, I’m going to carefully not think about it,” Jaehyun snorted. “You’re unbearable.” He took another bite, mind wandering this way and that as he chewed. Before them the river gurgled and chuckled as it sped by, and somewhere in the distance a bird trilled out a cheerful song. “I’m happy that the two of you found each other. That you have joy, no matter what you’ve been put through.”

Yuta hummed, nodding. His expression became thoughtful as he watched the river, eyes distant. It was clear he was remembering something, and Jaehyun let him have privacy with his thoughts. Yuta would tell Jaehyun what was on his mind if he so desired, there was no need to push. When their meal was finished they cleaned up, shouldering their packs and returning to the task at hand. Yuta intended to take him back through all the snares they had set, checking them for success.

_If we caught anything I’ll teach you how to kill it quickly, so it doesn’t suffer. You can be hungry but still be merciful._

Jaehyun nodded his agreement. This was the part he wasn’t looking forward to; the idea of taking a life, no matter how necessary, made his stomach turn. He tried to steel himself for the inevitable. He had to learn, had to be able to provide; for himself, for Johnny, for the people who, again and again, put themselves in harm’s way for him.

Adjusting his cloak tight around his shoulders, Jaehyun tried to stave off the chill that threatened to numb his finger and the tip of his nose. The sunshine that had graced them not even an hour ago was suddenly nowhere to be found. What’s more, the longer they walked through the woods, the darker it became. A heavy canopy of trees reached and clasped together above them, blotting out the little light that managed to break through the clouds above. Jaehyun narrowed his eyes, careful of his step as he followed close behind Yuta. 

“It’s so dark all of a sudden,” he mused, fingers curling in the thick wool wrapped around him. “Do you suppose it’s going to rain? The clouds must have rolled in while we weren’t paying attention…”

Yuta didn’t seem overly concerned. He merely shrugged, barely casting a fleeting look in the direction of the sky. 

The first few snares hadn’t seen any luck. One sat limp and empty, hanging from the branches it had been tied to, completely untouched. Jaehyun wasn’t much bothered. It was only the first, right? No point in being so easily defeated. But then the second trap yielded the same results, as did the third. The fourth had clearly been disturbed; the feed Yuta had left on the ground to use as bait had been picked at, and the leaves and grass underneath were broken and bruised from being trampled, but whatever had passed through had gotten away. Some lucky animal had received a free meal without being caught.

Jaehyun was beginning to doubt his skills as a hunter.

“Perhaps I’m not the quick study I thought I was,” he lamented. They were on their way to the final trap, and Jaehyun’s hopes were not particularly high. How did Johnny and Yuta make this “roughing it” thing look so easy? It’s like nature itself could sense his inexperience, was avoiding his hard work.

Yuta scoffed out a short noise of disbelief. _For someone so used to hardship you certainly give up quickly. If this were easy would I need to drag you around the woods to teach you how to do it in the first place?_ He knelt, checking a set of tracks before continuing on. _Have more faith in yourself, Jaehyun._ He looked up, shooting his usual charming smile. _Have faith in yourself like Johnny has faith in you_.

Jaehyun blushed, scuffing the toe of his boot against a clump of weeds. “Yes, well. Johnny thinks I’m a god, doesn’t he?”

_He might,_ Yuta conceded. _But I suspect he’d love you just the same if you were some ordinary pig farmer from Hadrian._

As it turned out, Yuta was insufferable when he was right.

The fifth snare had been left in a clearing, a space carved out into an almost perfect circle surrounded by a thick wall of trees. As they broke through the tree line Jaehyun looked up, noting that the clouds had grown even deeper and darker, just as he’d suspected. They hung heavy and grey, promising one hell of a storm. They’d have to move quickly if they wanted to make it home without getting soaked to the bone.

As they approached the snare Jaehyun was relieved to see that this one, finally, had done its job. There was something moving within the small noose, struggling to free itself. Though, the more Jaehyun thought about it, the more he dreaded coming too close. The next step would be to kill the poor creature. He shuddered, stomach turning.

Yuta reached the trap first, kneeling to get a good look at whatever they had caught. By the time Jaehyun joined him he was frowning, a look of confusion on his face as he studied their catch.

“What is it?” Jaehyun asked, leaning over his shoulder to get a better look. There, wing caught in the snare, was what appeared to be a very large crow.

It honked and complained in the noisy way crows often did, loud and harsh, skipping about and flapping its wings as it fought to set itself free. It struggled so violently that for a moment Jaehyun worried it may hurt itself. He quickly reprimanded himself for such a foolish thought; they were going to kill the damn thing anyway, why lament a wounded wing?

“Yuta kill it,” Jaehyun begged, eyes wide. “Don’t let it struggle.”

Yuta shook his head, a terse movement. _You don’t kill crows,_ he explained. _It’s bad luck. Besides, any crows in the area will remember what you’ve done, and you can bet they’ll come after you if they ever see you in their territory again._

He drew the knife sitting in the holster at his thigh, hand quick as he grabbed the crow by the wing and sliced the rope from around its wing. As the creature took a few stumbling hops away from them Jaehyun marvelled at its size; it was nearly twice as large as any crow he’d seen in his life, its beak long and viciously sharp. The iridescent black-blue-purple of its feathers shifted and changed with each step, and its clever eye swept around the clearing as if looking for the best route for escape. 

And then it stopped, turning instead to look at Jaehyun.

It shouldn’t seem so odd. Jaehyun knew crows could be quite clever, so it wasn’t out of place for one to stop and study its surroundings. But there was something unsettling about that gaze. It was as if the crow not only saw Jaehyun, but _knew_ him.

A chill prickled down his spine as the thought settled deep, took hold, revealed itself like it had peeled back a mask to show the truth underneath. “It does recognize me,” he whispered, terrible realization dawning on him as he took a step back. When Yuta turned to look in confusion Jaehyun waved him over, movements urgent, practically panicked. “Yuta come here,” he said quickly, voice a loud whisper. “I don’t think that’s a normal crow.”

Sure enough, the gargantuan bird stepped forward, head ducked down and turned just slightly to the side so it could fix its beady gaze on Jaehyun. Feathers bristling, the creature opened its mouth to speak. 

Just like every monster they’d run into thus far, this one seemed to speak without speaking. It merely opened its pointed beak, tongue unmoving as a terrible, hissing voice somehow leaked through from its throat. 

_”Your highness,”_ it whispered, head bobbing from side to side, movements short and jerky. _”Your grace._

Immediately Yuta was at Jaehyun’s side, putting himself between Jaehyun and the creature. He held the blade in his hand with a calm steadiness, chin lifted with the ease of someone who had faced the monsters in the forest before and been the one to walk away from the battle. It thawed some of the ice that crackled around Jaehyun’s heart; Johnny was not there, but he wasn’t alone. He could trust Yuta. They would survive this.

Besides, Taeyong world murder Jaehyun if Yuta got hurt. The healer was ten times scarier than any monster could even dream of being.

As they stood their ground Jaehyun took a good long look at the crow. The longer he stared the more ghastly it seemed; its beady eyes were tinted a wicked ruby red, its beak crusted with the leftovers of some previous hunt. As they stared it began to hop from foot to foot, continuing its tirade with the delighted excitement of a child begging for sweets. 

_”God most high. Sovereign lord. Holy one._”

Jaehyun’s teeth clenched together, so hard that they creaked under the pressure. The words felt like insults hurled at him, barbs that dug under his skin. “Shut up,” he hissed, hands curling into fists. “Shut up!”

The crow was unphased by his anger. It hopped closer, beginning to rustle its feathers. It seemed to be working itself into a frenzy, like an awed supplicant faced at last with its god. “_Divine_,” it croaked gleefully, chirping and burbling like a laughing child. _”Judge of earth and heavens. Avenger. Protector. Your grace._”

Jaehyun couldn’t take anymore. With a ragged cry he leaned down, finding the first projectile he could get his hand on; it happened to be a stone, just the right size to fit in the palm of his hand, heavy and jagged. “Shut _up!_” He hurled the rock, aim truer than it had any right to be. It sailed right for the crow, hard and fast.

But birds were birds, and often gifted with the blessing of flight. As the rock came hurtling towards it the crow merely took wing, cawing loudly before landing on a nearby tree branch. That was, of course, the moment that Jaehyun learned that the beast was not alone. A scant foot away sat another crow, somehow even bigger than the first. Just to the left, in a different tree, was a third. Jaehyun’s eyes hopped from place to place, from bird to bird, following a trail of them around the clearing until his eyes landed back on the first. There were dozens of them. They were surrounded.

“Yuta,” he managed, eyes wide, that rage from moments before starting to crumble in the face of fear. “They’re-”

Yuta gave a sharp nod. There was still no fear in his gaze, but there was a grimness in his expression that clearly meant that he, too, saw what they were up against. He held up one hand, slowly waving Jaehyun closer. Jaehyun easily obliged, taking his place at Yuta’s side. 

Yuta turned his head just slightly, lowered his voice, and spoke. 

“Hum.”

It took Jaehyun a moment to understand, but it clicked soon enough. Home. He wanted Jaehyun to run.

“I’m not leaving you,” Jaehyun hissed. “Not by yourself, not with so many of them.” He ducked down, grabbing an errant stick and brandishing it like a sword before him. “You strong silent types, always so eager to run into harm’s way on your own. Well, guess what? I’ll tell you exactly what I told Johnny; if you go down, I’m going down with you.”

Yuta shot him what was potentially the most exasperated look ever turned in Jaehyun’s direction-including the time Jaehyun fell asleep during lessons and knocked a fresh bottle of ink all over Father Diligence’s brand new robes. Still, there was no time to waste. Both men held their weapon of choice as they backed towards the edge of the clearing, gaze sweeping this way and that.

As if the birds saw that they were trying to escape, a great cacophony of noise started up around them. The birds cried out again and again, a mixture of plaintive cawing mixed in with supplication. “_Redeemer. Purifier. Anointed one. Most holy._” The words made Jaehyun’s head spin, made a pit open in his stomach, gaping and deep. “Father! Brother! Son! Divine! Beloved!”

The more they screamed, the more they called out to him, the more his head spun. With a ragged cry he dropped his makeshift weapon, covering his ears with his hands. His knees buckled, sending him hard to the ground. “Make them stop! Yuta please!”

Yuta, poor, loyal Yuta, didn’t seem to know what to do. It was easy enough to rush into the fray, but they were surrounded. Every move mattered. Still, his face made it clear that his heart ached for Jaehyun, even as his heart sped up at the alarming sight before him. With a deep, steady breath he stepped closer, grabbing Jaehyun firmly by the arm and hoisting him to his feet. Once they were both standing he began to pull Jaehyun once more to the treeline, steps slow and measured but unyielding.

“Just go,” Jaehyun said miserably. “Yuta, just go back to Taeyong. You have a family. Just leave me to them.”

He found himself suddenly yanked forward, face to face with Yuta’s blazing eyes. He looked furious—no, something beyond that, even. His lips were pressed into a firm line as he began signing quickly, barely giving Jaehyun time to understand each gesture before he was on to the next. 

_Snap out of it,_ he signed fiercely, eyes flashing. _The Jaehyun I know doesn’t get overwhelmed. He gets angry and fights back. Now fight back, Jaehyun.___

_ _The words felt like a slap to the face. Still, they worked. Jaehyun gave a small nod, Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. “You’re right. You’re right, I’m sorry,” he choked. “Let’s go.”_ _

_ _This time when they moved towards the treeline it was with determination in each step, both men wearing a grim countenance as they moved closer and closer to the crows. The birds seemed to be waiting, watching with a growing curiosity. One step, and they leaned in for a better look. Two, and they began cawing and chittering in excitement. Three, and they hopped from branch to branch, dancing wildly, wings fluttering and flapping._ _

_ _ _”All powerful. All knowing! Redeemer! Forgiver!”_ _ _

_ _When they found themselves close enough to pass under the trees the creatures’ excitement reached a fever pitch. They began fluttering around, circling the clearing, exchanging places in a flurry of feathers and flapping wings._ _

_ _“They’re coming,” Jaehyung whispered, reaching out to take Yuta’s hand. “Get ready.”_ _

_ _It was the crow that had been caught in the trap. Jaehyun was sure of it. One moment the birds were all a good distance above, dancing and fluttering, the next a crow was diving right towards them. Its wings were tucked in close to its body, its speed so fast that it looked like the barest smudge of black against the backdrop of trees. Before Yuta could throw his dagger another dove for them from the side, splitting their attention._ _

_ __You have the power to do something about this,_ a small voice whispered in the back of Jaehyun’s mind, quiet and calm. _Protect your family.__ _

_ _Time seemed to slow as he stepped before Yuta, his hand trembling as he raised it, palm forward. It put him directly in front of the first crow; the beast continued on, and for a long, terrible moment, their eyes met. And then, in a voice he’d never heard himself speak in before, Jaehyun shouted, “Stop!”_ _

_ _And the creature stopped._ _

_ _The crow extended its wings, barely two meters away as it landed on the grass. It lowered its head, considering Jaehyun carefully as if, up until that moment, it hadn’t truly considered him a threat. That was fine. It would learn._ _

_ _Jaehyun took a step forward, a small spark of satisfaction sparking in him as the crow took a step back. “I _am_ the Divine,” he said in a low voice, eyebrows knit. “And if you were called forth from the pit to punish men for their wickedness, then that means you were called to serve me.” He knelt down, putting himself nearly at eye level with the hideous thing. “I am the beginning and end of all things, do you understand?”_ _

_ _The crow seemed to grow nervous, as if this wasn’t at all part of the plan. It lowered it’s head, taking another hopping step backwards._ _

_ _“Good,” Jaehyun whispered, swallowing hard. His heart hammered in his chest, sweat gathering under his arms as he tried desperately to tamp down the anxiety churning within. It was fine, nerves were fine; he just couldn’t show them. “Good, you’re okay,” he murmured, slowly lifting his hand. “Now. Come here.”_ _

_ _· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·_ _

_ _Night had fallen by the time they made it home, dirty and dishevelled and ready for a good meal. At some point the rain had begun, just as anticipated. Jaehyun’s clothing was soaked through, and he shook like a leaf, teeth chattering. He and Yuta hadn’t spoken in quite some time; Jaehyun was too caught up in his thoughts, too busy trying to pick through the events of the past few hours to make conversation. Yuta was clearly lost in some world of his own and it felt wrong to force him to talk about everything so soon. _ _

_ _Just before they made it back to the house Yuta grabbed his shoulder, encouraging Jaehyun to hold back. When Jaehyun turned it was to eyes full of concern._ _

_ __Are you going to be alright?_ Yuta asked, eyebrows knit together. _I’ll let you say whatever you need to say, just...that was a lot.__ _

_ _“I know,” Jaehyun murmured, looking to his feet. “I’m sorry...that you had to see that. I’m sure it was strange. But...please, I promise, it’s just me. I’m not losing myself.”_ _

_ _ _I’m not worried about that. I’m worried about you. How you feel._ _ _

_ _Jaehyun laughed, a short exhalation of breath as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I feel...frightened. Angry.” His voice dropped to a whisper as he carefully added, “Powerful.”_ _

_ _Behind them, he could hear the trees rustle and move. There was a soft caw, a whisper of, “_Your grace…_”_ _

_ _Jaehyun looked back to Yuta. “Still, I won’t look a gift horse in the mouth. They’ll guard the woods, tell us if any guards are coming our way. We’ll be able to sleep easier than we have before, I guess. Is that...do you think that’s alright?”_ _

_ _“Jaehyun!”_ _

_ _Before Yuta could answer, Jaehyun heard Johnny call to him. He turned to see his cavalier standing in the doorway, the light from within illuminating him from behind, casting him in a heavenly glow. Immediately some of the tension in his heart dissipated._ _

_ _That fondness turned to surprise when Johnny started running towards him, unimpeded save for a small limp._ _

_ _“Johnny, what are you...oh!” When the moonlight hit just right Jaehyun could see that the cast was gone, Johnny’s leg free as he cleared the yard. When he reached Jaehyun he lifted him in the air, spinning him in a circle, a bright grin on his face._ _

_ _“Taeyong took the cast off!” he practically crowed, squeezing Jaehyun tight around the middle. “He said the limp will clear up with time, and that I shouldn’t need the crutches anymore either!”_ _

_ _Jaehyun laughed brightly, covering his mouth with one hand as Johnny continued to hold him aloft. “That’s incredible! Johnny, that’s amazing! You must be so relieved.” When Johnny finally put him back on the ground he immediately pushed onto his toes, kissing him sweetly. “Are you supposed to be running like that?”_ _

_ _“Of course he isn’t,” Taeyong called crossly from the doorway, arms folded. “He’s supposed to be walking slowly and making sure he’s properly healed. Unfortunately, he’s an idiot.”_ _

_ _Jaehyun laughed as Johnny kissed all over his face. “You have to be careful, we’ll end up held back even longer if you break it again!”_ _

_ _“I can’t help it,” Johnny groaned. “It’s too good to be walking without those damn crutches, I feel like a new man.”_ _

_ _Softly, somewhere in the woods, a crow cried out._ _

_ _Jaehyun blanched, the events of the day coming back in a wave. He swallowed hard, placing his palms gently on Johnny’s chest, taking solace in the steady beat of his lover’s heart. “We should go inside,” he murmured, carefully avoiding Johnny’s worried gaze. “There’s something I need to tell you.”_ _

_ _· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·_ _

_ _Jaehyun watched as Johnny sat in a thoughtful silence, expression entirely unreadable. That in itself was nothing new; so much of Johnny’s life had revolved around playing his cards close to his chest, hiding just how much he knew from the world around him. He’d spent so much time appeasing the fathers without revealing his true thoughts and emotions, hiding his love for Jaehyun just well enough that it never became a problem that would need solving. Jaehyun may have spent his life at Johnny’s side, but he’d somehow never perfected the art of gleaning the subtle changes that meant a shift in mood._ _

_ _Taeyong, on the other hand, was practically beside himself. “So they’re out there right now? Just...waiting?” he asked, voice pitched far too high for the late hour. “They could attack us at any moment!”_ _

_ _“They won’t, I swear they won’t,” Jaehyun practically begged, hands up in a placating gesture. “They follow me, I...I can’t explain it Taeyong, I wish I could, but you have to believe me. They’re watching out for us, keeping an eye on the woods.”_ _

_ _His assurances fell on deaf ears. Taeyong shook his head, going back to checking Yuta for any signs of harm. Yuta, for his part, just looked tired. His hair fell limp around his face, head tilted forward as Taeyong fussed over him._ _

_ _This was the moment Jaehyun knew would come. The moment he was always afraid of. He was born different, and he would spend his whole life thus. Maybe that’s why they’d kept him locked away; not just for his own safety, but for the safety of everyone else around him. Maybe he _was_ dangerous._ _

_ _Heart sluggish and sorrowful, he stood from the stool he’d been sitting on. “I’m tired,” he said softly, hugging his arms tightly around himself. He carefully avoided Johnny’s eyes, having no desire to see the curious way he was studying him. “I’ll take my leave, then. Yuta, I’m sorry for the trouble, thank you for taking me out and teaching me so much today.”_ _

_ _He didn’t breathe until there was a wall between him and his companions, finally letting out the small gasp he’d been choking on all evening. His eyes prickled with the need for tears, but he firmly chastised himself for his foolishness and dressed for bed. The mattress felt empty as he slid in; far too cold, far too large for one person. He pulled the blanket up to his chin, closing his eyes tight and praying for the solemn blackness of sleep._ _

_ _Time passed. Perhaps an hour, perhaps two. Sleep was elusive, and Jaehyun was still wide awake when he heard Johnny open the door to join him. His movements were slow, soft; he must have thought Jaehyun to be fast asleep by now. It wasn’t until he slid into bed that he realized Jaehyun was awake, face going soft in the dim moonlight that filtered into the room._ _

_ _“Jaehyun,” he sighed, propping himself up on one elbow to look down at him. “I’m sorry.”_ _

_ _Jaehyun swallowed hard, once again fighting off the persistent threat of tears. “I’ve lost Taeyong. He doesn’t trust me anymore.”_ _

_ _“Of course he does,” Johnny said, clucking his tongue. He brought his hand up to stroke Jaehyun’s cheek, skin warm and calloused. “He’s frightened because he can’t stop thinking of Yuta being hurt. He can’t picture how it all went down, that makes him feel powerless. But he’s scared for you, too. Scared for what this might mean for you.”_ _

_ _Jaehyun looked away, pointedly ignoring Johnny’s gaze. “I don’t know. I hope you’re right.”_ _

_ _Warm lips pressed to his temple, staying there as they breathed through the worst of Jaehyun’s emotions. When the tension started to seep from Jaehyun’s muscles Johnny pulled him close, turning onto his back and pulling Jaehyun tight to his chest. “Does it frighten you, Jaehyunnie?”_ _

_ _Jaehyun closed his eyes, clinging desperately to the sound of Johnny’s heartbeat under his ear. He let out a shuddering breath. “No. I’m not afraid of it anymore.”_ _

_ _“Then neither am I.”_ _

_ _How had Johnny known that those words were exactly what Jaehyun had needed to hear? He swallowed hard, shutting his eyes and clinging tighter. “I...I’ve loved it here,” he whispered, voice brittle in the shallow dark. “But I think we need to leave. The longer we wait, the more it will hurt.”_ _

_ _Johnny hummed out a soft agreement, slipping his hand inside Jaehyun’s night shirt to rest comfortingly on the small of his back. “We’ll leave at the end of the week,” he promised. “We’ll get back on the road, and we’ll get far away from this country. I’ll show you the ocean, Jaehyunnie. We’re almost there.”_ _

_ _The silence they slipped into this time was more comfortable, less dire. Jaehyun was finally letting himself be lulled to sleep when Johnny hummed, gently squeezing his hip. _ _

_ _“I wonder who the next one will be,” he mused, clearly so lost in thought that he didn’t think to actually start the conversation without jumping straight in. _ _

_ _Jaehyun tilted his head, squinting up at him. “The next what?”_ _

_ _“Oh. Sorry,” Johnny said with a small laugh. “The next divine. They’re bound to replace you at some point, right? How long will it be until some poor child works some unwitting miracle and you’re finally replaced? I wonder—what’s wrong?”_ _

_ _Jaehyun was sitting straight up, looking at Johnny with wide eyes as he clapped a hand over his own mouth. “What do you mean, replace me? They’re going to do this to someone else?”_ _

_ _Johnny sat up, lips curving into a slow frown. “I mean...they’re bound to, aren’t they? You’re an important asset, you’ll need to be replaced. You’re the fifth, right? Without a god on the Rosewood Throne the church is weakened. They need that figure to control if they want to control the people.”_ _

_ _It was the truth, of course it was. Why else would they search so desperately for Jaehyun, willing to burn down the entire world outside of Ardent to get him back? Why would they work so hard to keep him weak, frighten, ignorant? Why would they use the people against him, wielding guilt like a weapon to keep him bowed and bent? The living god was a tool, and he was a tool they were desperate to possess._ _

_ _Jaehyun felt sick. He closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths through his nose to fight the nausea that was rising in his gut. He swallowed hard, gulped again and again, desperate to not cough up his sick all over Johnny’s lap. But it was no good. He couldn’t fight it, couldn’t choke down the burning at the back of his throat._ _

_ _But when he opened his mouth, it wasn’t to vomit. Instead he spoke, though the words were worse than anything he could have thrown up._ _

_ _“Johnny, we have to go back to Ardent.”_ _


	16. Ruinous and Deep

Jaehyun had expected the words to land like a blow. He braced for impact, hands clenched in the blankets, though he faced Johnny with a determination that seemed to shine through the darkness. The moment he spoke, though he hadn't expected the words to come out in such a rush, he knew them to be true. 

They had to return to Ardent. 

They needed to make sure there was never another Jaehyun, never another lost and frightened child longing to be free. They needed to go back and set things right, rather than running away.

Instead of withdrawing, instead of looking at Jaehyun like he’d lost his mind, Johnny merely sighed. "I knew this was coming."

Jaehyun's eyes widened. "You're not angry?"

"When have I every managed to be angry with you? Come here." Johnny sat up as well, pulling Jaehyun into the safety of his arms and hooking his chin over his shoulder. "The moment it occurred to me, I knew what would happen when it occurred to you as well. What would happen when you realized the cycle would just start over with someone else. But...are you sure, Jaehyunnie? We've come so far, we're so close."

There it was again; Johnny giving him all of the power, just like he always did. Jaehyun had spent so much of his life without choice; every decision was made for him, every path pre-chosen and carefully paved. His meals, his clothes, when he was allowed to bathe, when he was allowed to pray. To have options was terrifying and new, thrilling in a way he couldn’t comprehend. 

And so, so heavy. 

“I’m sure,” he whispered, taking Johnny’s hands and clasping them tight in his own. He drew them to his lips, pressing light kisses to Johnny’s knuckles. “How could I sleep at night, knowing I could save the next child from the very same cage I was kept in? What if the next god doesn’t have a loyal, loving, beautiful Cavalier like mine to keep them sane?” His lips curled into a sad smile. “I don’t know what we’ll do, or if it will even work, but don’t we need to try?”

Johnny freed a hand from Jaehyun’s grasp, reaching forward to cup the gentle curve of his cheek. He ran his thumb just under Jaehyun’s eye, staring at him as if he was seeing him for the very first time.

“I’d follow you anywhere.” His voice was soft. Solemn. It sliced through Jaehyun like a knife, sharp and sweet and so, so beautiful. “You know that, Jaehyun. I’ll go wherever you ask me to. Not because you need me to protect you, but because I love you.” 

The breath caught in Jaehyun’s throat. He knew, was sure of Johnny’s affections for him, but hearing it said so directly like that...it never failed to make his blood race through his veins. He fell on Johnny with a deluge of kisses across his face, arms flying to wrap around his neck.

“I love you!” he exclaimed, probably far too loud for the time of night and the thinness of the walls. “I love you, and I swear Johnny, whatever happens, I’ll always be at your side.”

Johnny couldn’t help but laugh as he was pushed down on the mattress, a squirming, blushing Jaehyun landing on top of him. “I know, beloved. Believe me, I know.”

He leaned in to kiss Jaehyun, his lips firm and assuring and so very good at allaying all of Jaehyun’s fears. He kissed Jaehyun until all of the tension eased from his muscles, until the kisses turned into wandering hands and there was no more room left between them for worry.

-

When Jaehyun finally fell asleep, limbs heavy and satisfaction seeping sluggishly through his veins, he dreamed.

He saw himself standing on a very high wall, so high that he could barely see the ground below. It was more of a blur than anything, a smudge of green, so far away that it was dizzying. The wall was made of carefully formed grey stone, smooth and cool under his feet. He wiggled his toes a bit. They moved and danced just off the edge, the soles of his feet steady on the stone. Around him the wind howled and wailed and cried, brushing over his skin with icy cold touches that left drops of condensation in its wake.

“Jaehyun. Come back.” It was Johnny. Of course it was Johnny. Jaehyun knew that low, honey-sweet voice as well as he knew his own. With a dreamy sigh he looked over his left shoulder, glancing back to where Johnny stood beside him on the parapet.

“Come back? I’m right here,” he murmured, blinking slowly. 

He lifted his hand in Johnny’s direction. There was blood on his palm.

“Come back, Jaehyun,” Johnny asked again, more desperate than Jaehyun had ever heard him. It made his heart ache, made him long to wrap his arms around Johnny’s trembling body and share his warmth. But the wind was calling for him, caressing him with a lover’s touch. 

_Jump_, it said, and so Jaehyun jumped.

-

Jaehyun woke the next morning with a suspicious lightness. He wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve it; after the events of the previous day he’d been so sure that he’d lose the beautiful feeling of “home” he’d been basking in for so long now, lose the right to call this place a safe haven. Especially knowing what was to come. Perhaps that was it, though; he was about to thrust himself back into the fire, he needed to take whatever time he had left to be at peace with everything. 

It had become routine for him to tend to the chickens in the morning, chattering to the hens and the too-proud rooster as he fed them and checked the coop for eggs. The fussy little birds delighted him—they walked with a silly sort of pride, wings tucked to their sides and head held high, not a care in the world other than finding the best grains as they scratched and pecked at the earth. It had become ritual for Jaehyun, a sort of meditation for him to lean against the wooden fence and watch them gather as the sun rose. 

He stepped out of the house, closing the door lightly before grabbing the bucket of feed resting beside it. Yuta was surely awake somewhere, as he often rose well before the sun, but that left two more sleeping peacefully inside. Taeyong never woke before the sun was up if he could avoid it. Johnny used to sleep with his eyes open lest danger come on night; he deserved the extra rest every now and then.

Jaehyun thought of Taeyong and sighed. The events of last night came back in a rush, and that beautiful levity Jaehyun had woken with quickly sank like it had been filled with rocks and tossed into a river. 

Perhaps the crows had been a mistake.

In the moment it had seemed his only choice, to tap into the gift he’d been cultivating, to use it to save Yuta before something terrible could happen. Perhaps, though, he should have stopped there. Somewhere beyond, waiting in the trees, a group of monsters sat and watched, eager to be given their next order. Maybe they would make him a monster, too. Maybe that’s why Taeyong had seemed so afraid of him.

“Jaehyun?”

At the sound of his name Jaehyun jumped, feet tangling underneath him. He went sprawling to the ground, breath leaving him in a loud “oof!” as he sprawled out across the dirt. He just barely managed to save the bucket of feed, thrusting it out before him, though it meant his face took a bit of the impact. Taeyong gave a soft cry of alarm, rushing from where he’d been waiting by the chicken coop to help him up.

“The irony of them calling you ‘grace,’” Taeyong muttered, grabbing Jaehyun by the arm and hoisting him to his feet. “You’re the least graceful person I’ve met. Are you alright?”

Other than his bruised pride and a sore spot on his left cheek, Jaehyun was fine. “I’m alright,” he assured, brushing the dirt off of himself in an attempt to hide his blush. “What are you doing up? It’s awfully early.”

“I wanted to talk to you before Johnny woke up,” Taeyong explained carefully, grabbing the bucket from where Jaehyun had set it down. “He tends to hover when he thinks you’re upset, I don’t think I’d be able to get close today if he were around.” He sighed, opening the gate and stepping inside, leaving enough space for Jaehyun to follow after. “I wanted to discuss last night.”

Jaehyun lowered his head, heart racing. Here it was, the confirmation of his fears. “I’m sorry, I know it’s...a lot. We’ll be out of your hair soon. We finally know where we’re going next, we just need to prepare a few things.”

Taeyong looked over, eyes wide. “You’re leaving?”

“Of course we are.” What a strange question. They were always going to leave, this perfect little home on the edge of the woods had never been part of the plan. No matter which direction they went, they had to keep moving. “Johnny seems well enough to return to our journey. You’ll have your home back.”

That seemed to drive Taeyong into a strange, uncomfortable sort of silence. They both went about feeding the hens, though Jaehyun didn’t find his usual comfort in the process. Everything felt cold, distant. He wasn’t sure if there was something he was supposed to say, if perhaps it was his job to carry the conversation, but whenever he opened his mouth to speak, nothing came out.

He didn’t have to worry long, though. Taeyong turned and blurted, “We wish you wouldn’t go.”

Jaehyun’s eyes widened in surprise, hand halfway through throwing a palmful of seed to the ground. The chickens gathered around him clucked impatiently, but he paid them no mind. “What on earth do you mean?”

Taeyong seemed to be struggling with something, wringing his hands together as he made a few aborted attempts at voicing his thoughts. “I’m not good at this. Talking about my feelings. Yuta always says he knows who I like best because I’m meanest to them. So bear with me.” He sighed, pushing his hands through his hair, mussing it up terribly. “You’ve both struggled so much. You’ve never had family, outside of each other. And you’ve never had a home. I know it’s only been a month but I almost...see you as my brother now, and Yuta has grown terribly fond of you both. Couldn’t this be your home?”

This was not the conversation Jaehyun had been expecting. He was hit with a wave of emotion so intense that he raised his hand to his mouth, pressing his fingertips to his lips.

“Taeyong,” he whispered. “I thought I’d made you angry last night, I was so worried.”

Taeyong looked confused as he picked his brain for what could have made Jaehyun think such a thing. “Oh...oh no, Jaehyun. No. I was worried about Yuta. All I could think about was how he could have died, how he could have been out there alone. He’s alive thanks to you, and I’m grateful.”

Jaehyun blinked hard, almost too stunned to speak. “Gods...I wish more than anything that I could take you up on that. That we could stay here, build our own home nearby, have...have a place of our own, where we’re welcome.” He could see it so clearly in his mind, unfolding like a map smoothed out across a table. A simple, peaceful life. A life spent farming. Creating something out of nothing, planting seeds in the ground and coaxing them to tender young shoots and then healthy, vibrant greenery. A life spent walking a small distance to spend time with the friends they’d come to know and trust so well, before returning to their own little slice of heaven to sleep in peace. Without the threat of the church breathing down their neck.

But that couldn’t be. Jaehyun knew as much.

“We talked last night,” Jaehyun said, voice low and heavy regret. “Johnny and I. We’ve decided…”

He closed his eyes, breathed in deeply through his nose. Steadied himself before speaking. “We’re going back to Ardent.”

Taeyong’s head jerked in his direction, eyes wide. “You’re doing what? Jaehyun, _why_? You can’t go back to them, back to that life.”

“No, that’s not why,” Jaehyun said quickly. “We’re not going to return. We’re going to...to confront them. To try and put a stop to this ever happening again.”

Taeyong clearly wasn’t thrilled with this plan of attack. His eyes grew wide, cheeks flushed pink, looking wild and terrified. He staggered forward, clutching Jaehyun’s hands and holding tight. “You can’t do this,” he begged, tugging urgently at Jaehyun’s hand. “You can’t. You’ll die, how could the two of you possibly stand against the church and their numbers?”

“I don’t think we can,” Jaehyun said, giving a small smile. “I don’t think that’s our intention. I’m not really sure what we’ll do, which sounds foolish, I know. But we’ll think of something, Taeyong. As long as we try…”

They stood there in a heavy silence, watching the birds strut and peck at the ground as if it were any other day. As if Jaehyun and Taeyong weren’t coping with the awareness that they very likely would never see each other again. Jaehyun’s stomach twisted and turned inside of him, the sudden onset of guilt something he hadn’t been expecting. He thought they’d be doing them a favour. Returning their home, taking with them the constant threat of being found out. Instead he felt like he was stabbing Taeyong right in the heart.

Taeyong finally spoke again, voice thin. “When do you intend on leaving?”

“A week, I think,” Jaehyun whispered back. As soon as his answer was given the silence returned, though from the corner of his eye he could see Taeyong’s hands twisting and tangling together as he delt with whatever violent fretting consumed him. He felt compelled to change the subject, to take Taeyong’s mind off of his worries. Surprisingly, it didn’t take long for a topic to come to mind.

“There is something I need from you,” he said, cheeks already flooding with colour as he turned to face his friend. “One last favour, before we go.”

Taeyong wiped his eyes, so quickly that Jaehyun thought he might have imagined it. “Of course. What do you need?”

Oh, but this was going to be awkward. Jaehyun screwed up his courage and dove in. “You said that when I was ready for...for Johnny and I to…” He swallowed hard, eyes darting to the side as he practically burned with humiliation. “You offered to give me advice. For when I was ready. Is that offer still on the table?”

For a moment Taeyong merely stared, clearly trying his best to piece together what madness Jaehyun was spouting. When he finally figured it out his eyes widened, giving a soft (but not unkind) huff of laughter. “Oh! Yes, of course I can help. Should we…” He looked around towards the house, biting his lip. Soon enough Johnny would be awake and Yuta would be back from whatever he did in the morning, their window for privacy gone. “Come, walk with me. I have some things to gather in the woods, it’ll give us space to talk.”

He offered his arm, which Jaehyun took willingly, thankful that the heaviness was past as they set off for the trees.

-

They broke the news to Yuta that evening. It somehow hurt even worse than Jaehyun’s conversation with Taeyong; Yuta had apparently committed himself to the idea that they _would_ be staying, so the knowledge that they’d be gone at week’s end hit hard. It took Taeyong’s soothing words and Johnny’s careful assurance that they’d return if they could to finally bring him some semblance of peace, though he seemed restless and wounded any time Jaehyun glanced in his direction. 

They ate simply that night, all four picking at their porridge while their minds wandered a million miles away. Jaehyun could barely swallow around the guilt he felt; leaving was supposed to help, wasn’t it? Bring them safety? Strange, how it came as the unkindest blow. He was not used to being loved like this, other than from Johnny. It was overwhelming. Almost burdensome. And yet, he would not give it up now that he had tasted the warm affection of friendship. 

After supper Taeyong stood, clearing their dishes aside to be tended to later. “Well. You two will have the place to yourself for the evening, I have an errand to run and I’ll be taking Yuta along with me.”

Jaehyun frowned, glancing towards the doorway. “Now? It’s nearly dark out. It can’t be safe to go this late.”

“We have to,” Taeyong explained, clearly unbothered by the lateness of the hour. “The flower I need only blooms under a full moon, it will be my only chance this month to replace my stores. We’ll be fine. Yuta knows what he’s doing, I’m not worried as long as he’s with me.”

“Do you want help?” Johnny offered, glancing to where his rapier sat waiting by the door. It hadn’t seen much action in the last month, not since before they were found by Jeno and the rest. Jaehyun could tell that Johnny was practically itching to get it back in his hands, make sure he hadn’t grown rusty.

_You two stay here,_ Yuta signed quickly, glancing at Taeyong. _We’ve done this plenty, we know the way and we’ll be back by morning. No use making it an event._

That made sense enough, Jaehyun supposed. While Yuta and Taeyong gathered their things he made them a small pack of food, just some bread and fruit to take along in case they grew hungry. “Be careful,” he said, doing his level best not to fuss. “If you’re not home by sunrise we’ll start to worry, don’t make us come looking.”

“I’m sure everything will be fine,” Taeyong said, moving to stand at his side and bumping gently against him. He leaned in, dropping his voice to a whisper before adding, “And enjoy having some time to yourselves tonight.”

Jaehyun looked at him with wide eyes, face flushing as he realized what the two of them were up to. Before he could make his indignant reply Taeyong was out the door, taking a smirking Yuta with him.

Johnny watched them go, one eye raised in confusion. “What on earth was that?”

Despite the flurry of nerves settling over him, Jaehyun could feel anticipation beginning to build. He took a deep breath, moving to grab Johnny’s hand and pull him to their room. “A gift,” was all he said, pushing Johnny inside and pulling the door shut behind them.

One candle burned low in the corner; Jaehyun took it up, using it to light more around the room until everything was warmed by a gentle glow. Once there was light enough he moved to the mattress, situating himself in the middle before reaching a hand towards his lover. “Join me?”

Johnny clearly needed no coaxing. He was across the room in the space of a heartbeat, taking Jaehyun’s hand and sitting as close as possible. “What’s this about?” he asked with a curious smile, their knees brushing together as he adjusted. He let himself be coaxed closer by a gentle hand on his cheek, leaning in to Jaehyun could brush their lips together, light and petal-soft. “Jaehyunnie…”

“I love you,” Jaehyun sighed. He could feel the heat creeping into the shells of his ears, but he would never let his embarrassment keep him from telling Johnny the truth of his feelings. Never again. “I adore you. You know that, don’t you?”

Johnny smiled softly, breath fanning against Jaehyun’s lips. “I know. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

Jaehyun smiled, eyes fluttering shut as he repaid Johnny’s truths with more lingering kisses. His fingers slid to Johnny’s hair, stroking through the locks, pulling them out of Johnny’s face and away from the back of his neck. Where had his quiet young Cavalier gone, the one with freshly cut hair and a wall built thick around him to keep Jaehyun from getting too close? When had he been replaced by this soft, beautiful man, more partner than protector, who was unafraid to let Jaehyun know him? 

They’d become men in the past few months. They’d been tested, time and time again, and come out victorious. And while Jaehyun didn’t know what their last great trial may hold for them, he at least knew that they’d face it together.

“Johnny,” he hummed, moving to his knees and sliding forward until he was seated firmly in Johnny’s lap. “I want you to have me.”

“I have you,” Johnny murmured, hands sliding firmly along Jaehyun’s sides. “And you have me.”

Jaehyun couldn’t help but laugh, resting their foreheads together. “No, not like that, Johnny. I want you to _have_ me.”

This time the meaning registered. Johnny pulled back, eyes wide as he met Jaehyun’s, lips parted in stunned surprise. His hands paused their journey, resting just under Jaehyun’s arms, shirt bunched in his grasp.

“That is...if you’re willing,” Jaehyun added, offering a shy smile in the face of Johnny’s shock.

“Jaehyun I...are you sure? I mean yes, I want to, I want to do everything with you, I just...you’re sure your ready?” Johnny finally managed to stammer, shaking himself loose. His hands moved to cup Jaehyun’s face, thumbs sweeping tenderly over his cheekbones. “I don’t want to hurt you…”

“You won’t,” Jaehyun assured, leaning in to cover Johnny’s face in a barrage of light kisses. “I...researched it. I know how to do it. And I want to feel you, Johnny. I want to be as close as we can get, to be connected.” He lowered his eyes, biting at his lip. “I want to give you all of myself.”

Johnny made a low, wounded sort of sound, and for a moment Jaehyun thought he might have accidentally shifted his weight onto something tender, hurt him in earnest. Before he could check Johnny was kissing him again, gently plying Jaehyun’s lips apart with his tongue, stealing the breath from his lungs. Jaehyun moaned softly into the kiss and wrapped his arms around Johnny’s neck, holding onto him as if he might disappear at any moment.

“I’ll be so gentle with you,” Johnny swore, mouth trailing down to suck kisses along Jaehyun’s jaw. “I promise Jaehyunnie, I’ll make you feel so nice. What...where do we start?”

“We start by getting undressed,” Jaehyun responded, giving a breathless laugh. Before he could move to disrobe himself Johnny’s hands were slapping his out of the way and doing it for him, tugging at his clothes with an excited desperation until Jaehyun lay naked in the middle of the bed. Jaehyun watched with amusement as Johnny stripped just as quickly, barely missing a candle as he threw his clothes to the side.

“Okay, we’re naked,” he said breathlessly, eyes wide.

Jaehyun laughed again, once more reaching towards Johnny with arms that swayed and beckoned like willow branches dancing in the wind. Johnny eagerly moved to his embrace, carefully lowering himself on top of Jaehyun, bodies pressed close as Jaehyun coaxed him in for a kiss.

“Now you touch me,” Jaehyun sighed. “All over. I want to feel your hands on me.”

He could feel Johnny shiver, could feel the way his cock began to thicken between his legs. And oh, but Johnny was obedient; he moved just to the side so he could rest his weight on his hip, immediately sliding big, battle-calloused hands over the softness of Jaehyun’s thigh. “Perfection,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to Jaehyun’s collarbone, trailing it up to his shoulder, where he bit into pale skin until a bruise blossomed. Jaehyun gasped as his flesh turned a vivid, mottled pink, hand once more finding its way to Johnny’s hair. 

“Vicious,” he gasped, the word laden with affection. He could feel Johnny’s grin against his shoulder, the way it turned wolfish and sharp. “Are you going to eat me up?”

“You do taste very good,” Johnny breathed, drawing his tongue up the side of Jaehyun’s neck. “It’s tempting.”

Their mouths crushed together once more, Jaehyun sucking hungrily at Johnny’s bottom lip, Johnny licking into Jaehyun’s mouth as if needing to taste every last inch of him. As they kissed Jaehyun reached up, plunging his hand under his pillow until he closed his fingers around the treasure he sought; a small bottle filled with a clear liquid, stopped fast with a cork.

“What’s that?” Johnny panted, still biting and sucking at Jaehyun’s mouth as his eyes moved to the vial. 

“Oil,” Jaehyun managed to respond despite the assault on his mouth, tilting his head to the side to direct Johnny’s relentless hunger to the pale column of his throat. Johnny immediately went where bidden, teasing Jaehyun with feather-light kisses that left him trembling. “It’s for…_oh_, it’s to help um. Ease the way.”

Johnny gasped slightly, thighs hitching forward against his will. The hot length of his erection pressed against Jaehyun’s hip, and suddenly it became very urgent that they get on with it. “Here. Let me see your hand,” Jaehyun said in a trembling voice, pulling the cork out of the bottle and tossing it to the side.

He couldn’t deny that he was nervous. As far as he could tell Johnny was...decently large, and he couldn’t quite imagine how he was supposed to fit. Still, Taeyong had promised that if they were careful it would be good, and had given Jaehyun embarrassingly detailed instructions on how to make it so. Besides, this was Johnny; Johnny, who would rather die than bring him pain. Johnny, whose mere existence brought him pleasure.

He took a steadying breath, tipping some of the oil onto Johnny’s fingers before setting the bottle aside for later. He wrapped his fingers around Johnny’s wrist, guiding it down between his thighs, which he spread as far apart as he could manage without the shame of it burning him alive. 

“Now you...touch me. Just outside at first, until I’m relaxed. Then you put one finger in until I can take another. Then two, then um...probably three. Slowly, as slowly as you can go.”

Johnny was shaking, fingertips just barely hovering over the heat of Jaehyun’s entrance as he hid his face against the curve of Jaehyun’s shoulder. “I don’t...I don’t want to-”

“You won’t hurt me,” Jaehyun whispered, stroking through Johnny’s hair. “If it’s too much I’ll tell you. I promise.” He gently guided Johnny to look up, tilting his own head so he could press their lips together gently, soothingly. “It will feel good. Strange at first, I think, but apparently it’s the best feeling in the world once you get going. I want to feel that, Johnny. Will you let me?”

His words worked. Johnny moaned softly, and as he kissed Jaehyun again and again he moved his fingers to stroke lightly over his hole.

It was most certainly strange. Johnny’s touches were light and questioning, and for a moment Jaehyun’s instincts told him to close his thighs and turn away. Instead he took a deep breath, forcing himself to relax. Soon though Johnny found his confidence, moving instead to massage light circles around the tight ring of muscle, causing something fiery-hot to flare up in Jaehyun’s stomach.

“Oh…” he breathed, eyes fluttering shut. “It’s different than I expected.” His cock twitched lightly, half-hard where it rested against his thigh. “It’s…_oh._”

Johnny tilted his head up, eyes locked on every small expression that flickered over Jaehyun’s face. “Good, though?”

Jaehyun nodded, a lock of hair falling across his forehead. “Mhm. Good.”

Johnny continued his ministrations, clearly no longer questioning himself as he explored. His touches began to vary; he would trail his fingertips back and forth along the cleft of Jaehyun’s ass just to stop over he entrance, pressing firmly as if asking permission to dip inside. Before Jaehyun could say anything he would go back to those maddeningly light circles, coaxing, caressing, leaving Jaehyun shaking from head to toe.

“I think... I think I want you to put a finger in,” Jaehyun panted, sweat beading at his temples. “Please?”

“If you’re sure you’re ready,” Johnny managed, voice ruinous and deep. “Tell me if you need me to stop.” Only once Jaehyun agreed did he begin to press forward. At first he worked only the tip of his finger in, pausing at the breath Jaehyun sucked in, studying him carefully for signs of pain. When Jaehyun gave a short nod he pressed his finger deeper, and then deeper still, until he was all the way in, as still as death as he waited for Jaehyun to adjust.

For a long few moments Jaehyun could only gasp and whine, so unused to something inside of him, the odd sensation of being filled. It wasn’t...painful, necessarily. Not painful at all, Johnny was doing a perfect job of treating him carefully. It was _strange_. Foreign.

He took a few deep breaths, slowly forcing himself to let go of where he’d bunched the blanket in his fists, convincing his body to relax. “Alright,” he choked, giving another nod. “Alright. Y-you can move.”

Johnny’s lips were back on him, pressing tender kisses along his chest, a tongue curling hot around his nipple. “You’re doing so well,” Johnny moaned, slowly pulling his finger back a few inches before pressing in once more. “You’re so good, so strong. And gods, so tight.” 

The more Johnny moved his finger, the more the sensation changed from strangeness into something else. The oddness of the touch began to melt into something very close to pleasure, sending sparks of lightning up and down Jaehyun’s spine. His toes curled against the bed, hips tilting up to welcome more of Johnny’s touch.

“Oh, is that nice?” Johnny sighed, watching Jaehyun’s body begin to silently ask for more. He worked his finger deep, petting at Jaehyun’s walls with gentle touches, watching as his cock grew harder and heavier by the minute. “I think you were made for this, love.”

Jaehyun let out another soft whine, throwing an arm across his face to hide his embarrassment. “Don’t talk like that,” he tried to scold, though it was clear there was no heat, no real command in his words.

“And why shouldn’t I?” Johnny asked, leaning in to nibble at the shell of Jaehyun’s ear. “Why shouldn’t I tell you how much I love to touch your sweet little body, see you cry out for more? You barely know how to handle pleasure, Jaehyunnie. The fact that I get to see you like this, that I get to be the one to see you shake and beg…”

“Johnny, more,” Jaehyun pleaded, eyebrows knit together. “A-another, I want another…”

Johnny sat up, eyes dark as they fixed on the place where his finger disappeared into the heat of Jaehyun’s body. He withdrew his finger, rubbing a few more circles around Jaehyun’s entrance before pressing back inside with two.

This time the stretch was a bit more noticeable. Jaehyun made a few choked off little sounds, gritting his teeth together as he tried to take deep breaths.

“Does it hurt?” Johnny asked carefully, frozen in place as he watched Jaehyun try to relax. “I’ll pull out…”

“Don’t!” Jaehyun yelped, flushed hot right down his chest, all the way to his stomach. “Don’t, let me...let me just have a moment to adjust…”

Johnny did as told, waiting patiently for Jaehyun to catch his breath. As he waited he leaned down, drawing his tongue lightly along the length of Jaehyun’s cock. Immediately Jaehyun yelped, hand flying down to grip at his hair; Johnny smirked and repeated the action, licking along silk-smooth flesh from the base to the tip, where he lapped at the beads of slick that had gathered.

Clever boy. His mouth felt so blessedly _good,_ Jaehyun had no mind for the discomfort of the two fingers waiting inside of him. In no time at all he was rocking his hips down, yelping slightly as it caused Johnny’s fingers to move deeper.

“Oh! Oh my...oh gods, it’s good,” he nearly wept, trying to resist the urge to thrust down. “Move, move move _move_!”

Johnny eagerly did as told, giving the same careful thrusts he’d started out with before. When Jaehyun was able to speak with some clarity again he panted out desperate instructions, guiding Johnny to spread his fingers apart, to crook them slightly, to properly stretch him open. When Johnny bent his fingers just so Jaehyun gave another harsh cry, stars dancing before his eyes.

“Oh! _Johnny_!”

It looks for all the world like Johnny himself was the one being pleasured. His eyes were dark and wide, hair damp with sweat where it stuck to his temples and the back of his neck. He flicked it out of his face with a quick jerk of his head, once more focused on where he was working Jaehyun open. “Was that...gods, right here?” he asked, repeating the motion. Jaehyun cried out again, back arching and hips working down to encourage the touch.

When Jaehyun was ready he added a third finger, and almost a fourth before Jaehyun decided he was done waiting. Snatching the bottle from the floor, Jaehyun tipped some of its contents into his palm before reaching down to coat Johnny’s length with the oil. Johnny’s cock gave an eager twitch as he stroked from base to tip, an angry red and leaking at the tip.

“Alright, let’s…” Jaehyun took a slow breath, closing his eyes and trying to gain his composure. “Just. Slowly?”

“As slow as you need,” Johnny managed. He knelt between Jaehyun’s thighs, coaxing them up to wrap around his waist. “Like this?”

Jaehyun nodded, hooking his ankles behind Johnny’s back. As Johnny reached down to line himself up he tried desperately to keep his breaths even, his body loose. And then Johnny started to push in.

“Oh,” he gasped weakly, eyes flying open. “Oh you’re...you’re so big.”

The head had just barely pushed in. Johnny managed to stop, though Jaehyun could feel the tension in his muscles, the way they screamed at him to keep going. “Should I stop?” he rasped, looking up from under dark lashes.

“No, don’t,” Jaehyun said urgently. “You can...you can give me a bit more.”

Johnny obeyed, oh-so-slowly pressing himself deeper, eyes locked on Jaehyun’s face as he watched for signs of pain. Jaehyun’s lips were pressed together, eyebrows knit, but he forced himself to relax, to let himself accept what he was being given. It seemed to go on forever. Jaehyun began to doubt he could take it all, overwhelmed by the fullness, but then—

—but then Johnny was all the way in, hips pressed tight to Jaehyun’s ass, as deep as he could go.

Jaehyun’s eyes widened, lips parted around a soft cry. “You’re...oh, you’re inside of me, Johnny, oh _gods_ Johnny…”

Johnny leaned down, kissing Jaehyun with a hunger he could barely control. “You’re doing so well,” he moaned, kissing the corners of Jaehyun’s eyes, where Jaehyun hadn’t noticed the moisture that had gathered. “Perfect, you’re perfect…”

They lay like that for some time, bodies pressed tight together, hearts slowing to beat in tandem as they adjusted to the overwhelming new sensations of being _connected_. Jaehyun wrapped his arms tight around Johnny’s neck, body giving itself up in every possible way.

“I’m ready,” he whispered, blinking sluggishly. “_Fuck me_.”

Johnny gave a ragged cry, surging forward to kiss Jaehyun hungrily. Despite the ferocity with which he bit and sucked and licked at him he managed to keep his thrusts slow and careful, barely pulling out before rocking back in, the barest few inches to ease Jaehyun into it.

It was good. So good that the word “good” didn’t even describe it, couldn’t contain the multitude of feelings that stormed within the cage of Jaehyun’s chest. It wasn’t just about being full, or about the way Johnny’s hand found its way to his cock to stroke gently to distract him from the last vestiges of discomfort; it was more the strange sense of completion he felt, as if they were two halves of a whole finally put back together. 

This was what they were always meant to be. They belonged together.

It didn’t take long for either of them to climb to the peak of the mountain; Taeyong had warned that it wouldn’t, had promised that the sensations would be too new and that the more they did it the better they’d get. Jaehyun wasn’t surprised when all too quickly he tumbled over the edge, crying Johnny’s name as every muscle in his body tensed and relaxed, pleasure fizzling through him as he spilled over Johnny’s hand and across his chest and stomach.

Johnny wasn’t far behind. As soon as Jaehyun came he lost that hard-won control he’d been grasping at, his thrusts becoming harder and faster as he chased his own release. When he came Jaehyun could only moan softly, shivering at the wet, messy feeling of being filled. As soon as Johnny’s climax passed he slumped bonelessly on top of Jaehyun, breathing harsh and ragged, trying to smear lazy kisses along Jaehyun’s skin.

“I love you,” Jaehyun managed, once more petting at Johnny’s hair. His movements were strange and uncoordinated, mind filled with a lovely sort of fog. Even the sensation of Johnny pulling out couldn’t shake him loose of this strange, hazy pleasure that hovered around him. He pulled Johnny close, nuzzling kisses into his cheek, desperate that there be not even an inch of space between them.

“Mm. Love you too,” Johnny slurred back, laying half on top of Jaehyun as their bodies cooled and settled. 

It took quite some time to regain their senses, and when that moment came Jaehyun had to put a great deal of effort into cleaning himself up. He grabbed his discarded shirt, swearing he’d wash it properly in the morning as he mopped at the mess between his legs. 

“How do you feel?” Johnny asked, soft and sweet as he trailed his fingertips along Jaehyun’s spine. Jaehyun sighed, shivering as he discarded the shirt and returned to the warmth of Johnny’s arms.

“Lovely,” he murmured into Johnny’s chest, pillowing his cheek against his heartbeat. “My back is a bit sore, but...I like it, I think. Knowing why my body is so tired.”

“You were incredible,” Johnny said, lips curving at the way Jaehyun’s ear flushed pink. “What? You were. Knew exactly what to do and everything. You amaze me.”

“Shut it,” Jaehyun whined, hiding his face. “Be sweet, you’ve worn me out.”

“Alright, I won’t do anything as callous as pay you compliments,” Johnny laughed, petting his hair. “Sleep. Maybe if they’re not back by sunrise we can...try again.”

Jaehyun knew they had things to discuss, so much to worry about in regards to their coming departure. They needed to make plans. To figure out just what they intended to do once they reached Ardent. For now though, he would follow Johnny’s advice and let his weary body rest.

-

“That should be enough, especially if you can get hold of a horse at the nearest village.” Taeyong passed the pack to Jaehyun, face twisted with anxiety. “It’s nothing fancy, just some bread and fruit, but it will be enough if you can do some hunting as well. There are some medicines in there as well, but I’d appreciate it if you keep your wits about you enough that you don’t end up needing them.” His sighed, shaking his head. “A few changes of clothes, too. I hope I didn’t make the pack too heavy.”

“It’s just fine,” Jaehyun said softly, taking Taeyong’s hand in his and giving a gentle squeeze. He looked down to their feet, where two extra packs sat waiting. “Johnny can handle the one, I don’t know if we’ll be able to juggle the third, though.”

Taeyong looked sick, glancing down towards the pack. “That one isn’t for you.”

Jaehyun looked at him in confusion until Yuta leaned down, grabbing the bag and hoisting it over his shoulder. _Someone has to keep you two alive, as eager to run headfirst into danger as you both are,_ he signed, face a picture of false bravado. _So I’ll be coming along._

“What?” Johnny frowned, looking between Yuta and Taeyong, eyebrows knit together. “You can’t leave Taeyong here on his own, Yuta. It’s going to be dangerous. We’re not...we don’t know how this is going to go. What we’ll look like in the end.”

His message was clear enough; we might die, and we don’t want you dying with us.

“That’s why I’m sending Yuta along,” Taeyong said, words clipped. “Maybe if you walk into this knowing I expect you to return my husband in one piece you’ll be a little more careful with yourselves, as well.”

_Besides, I know the woods. I know the paths to Ardent and which towns are friendly and which look at strangers as a threat. I can get you there without running into the church guard,_ Yuta assured.

Jaehyun didn’t know what to say. It was true that he and Johnny knew that this journey may very well be the death of them; adding Yuta to the mix suddenly made it crucial that they survive. He refused to leave Taeyong alone, unprotected in the middle of the forest, wondering when his husband would come home to him. He swallowed hard, knowing there was no winning this fight. Yuta would join them whether they liked it or not.

He turned to Taeyong, giving a solemn nod. “Very well, we’ll make sure he’s home before you even know it.”

“And you lot better be with him,” Taeyong grit out. “You still owe me a new guest house, I’ll expect you to rebuild it in the spring.”

The sky was gray above them, dark clouds promising the first snow of the winter. As Jaehyun glanced up a few flakes began to fall, melting well before they hit the ground. “I can’t say I know much about building houses, but I suppose you’re looking forward to the opportunity to boss us around, anyway. I’ll try not to burn this one down.”

In an instant Taeyong was on him, holding him close. “Keep your wits about you. Don’t be rash. Think before you act, and look out for each other,” he choked, squeezing Jaehyun so tight the breath was knocked from his lungs. He gave Johnny the same treatment before moving to Yuta, face solemn.

“If you die I’ll never forgive you,” he swore before letting himself be swept into Yuta’s arms, pulled into a kiss that had Jaehyun and Johnny turning away to give them their privacy. It was a long moment before they separated, Taeyong taking a shaking breath as he tried to smooth his fluff of blond hair. “Alright. Off with you, then. The sooner you’re gone, the sooner you’re home.”

Jaehyun bit his lip, offering the only thing left he could give; he placed his hand over his heart, giving a deep bow. Next to him Johnny mimicked the gesture before straightening, placing his hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder. “Come on, before the snow really starts to fall.”

They turned, three sets of boots marching across the grass and in the direction of Ardent, away from Taeyong and the cozy little farmhouse in the woods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you, Taeyongie.


	17. The Night Watch

The ease with which Yuta managed to procure them horses was almost uncanny. One moment he was smiling and assuring them he’d be fine as he took off alone for the town in the distance, the next he was returning astride a beautiful golden mare, holding the lead of a second, larger horse as he led it through the woods. Johnny gave a low whistle as he approached the black mount following behind, reaching up to stroke along the horse’s muzzle.

“They’re gorgeous. How did you manage this so quickly?” he asked, glancing over his shoulder to where Yuta was dismounting.

It was a moment before Yuta’s hands were free. He tied the golden mare to a tree, patting her shoulder and making sure she was settled before responding. _People will do anything for a Saint_, he signed, offering a small shrug. 

His demeanor was nonchalant, as if he didn’t have a care in the world. Jaehyun knew him well enough by now to suspect this wasn’t true. His own tongue may still be attached firmly at the root, but he’d seen enough children brutalized in his life to have an idea of how that would scar a person for life. He’d seen them scream and fight, had watched them give up and go still as the fight left their bodies. At some point he had seen Yuta himself, though he would have been so young that the face of his new companion hadn’t stuck. How lucky he was that Yuta didn’t despise Jaehyun for violence done in his name.

“It’s foolishness, the way they canonize you for the pain they inflicted,” Jaehyun said softly, watching as Yuta distracted himself by setting up a feedbag for both horses. “The way they don’t see _why_ the church does this, how they’re silencing the very people who may, some day, be hungry enough or cold enough or angry enough to speak out against them.”

Johnny hummed, still admiring the horses. “There’s something to using it against them, though. Let them think you’ve made some grand gesture if it gets you two beautiful mares and a knapsack full of provisions for it. Rich people are fools.”

That got Yuta laughing. _Don’t you two sit there thinking I need pity or comfort. There’s no use crying over my past, all I can do is deal with the present._

“I don’t pity you. I pity us for having to deal with your obnoxious laugh,” Jaehyun shot back, grinning.

“And your snoring,” Johnny added. “Jaehyun, come see the horse?”

Jaehyun’s smile immediately fell as he considered the beasts before him. He had never ridden a horse before. He’d seen plenty of course, seen them proud in the distance as they marched through the city every week, but he’d never been close enough to touch one. It was awfully big, wasn’t it? Depthless black eyes stared at him from under long lashes, and he found himself taking an unconscious step back.

“I’m fine here. I’ll touch it later, when I have to ride it,” he said primly. “It seems happier with you.”

They’d only seen the need for two horses; Jaehyun would never be able to ride on his own, he’d have to ride with Johnny at the reigns. He couldn’t say that he was looking forward to it - not that it wasn’t a lovely thought to be pressed so tightly to Johnny’s warmth - and he had no desire to make friends with the creature until he absolutely had to.

Which Johnny, of course, found ridiculous. “Jung Jaehyun,” he said, a disbelieving smile on his lips. “You tamed a beast from the chasm itself and now command your own little horde of abominations. You can’t come touch a horse?”

“This is much bigger than the crows,” Jaehyun said petulantly, folding his arms. “I don’t like how big it is. It’s going to kick me.”

“It’s not going to—gods, you can be a child sometimes. Come here.” Johnny marched over, taking Jaehyun by the wrist and tugging him firmly to the black horse, the larger of the two. Foolishly Jaehyun tried to tug away, but it stood to reason that he could not pull away from someone who had spend their life relying on strength and skill to protect him. Against his will Jaehyun found himself directly before the horse, Johnny pressed reassuringly to his back.

“I hate you,” Jaehyun said weakly, trying to withdraw but thwarted by Johnny’s firm chest behind him.

“Of course you don’t.” Johnny’s voice was a gentle coo as he took Jaehyun’s hand in his own, raising it to the animal’s muzzle. Despite his trepidation Jaehyun was shocked by the velvety smoothness of the fur, eyes going wide as the horse merely blinked at the touch.

“It’s soft,” he breathed, hand still held in Johnny’s as he repeated the motion. “Are they all this soft?”

“Most are,” Johnny explained, guiding him to pet along the horse’s muscular neck. “Some have longer coats, and I’ve heard that some are a bit coarser, but most feel like this. It’s magnificent, isn’t it?”

“It’s terrifying,” Jaehyung breathed, though now his voice held more awe than terror. “Incredible.”

By the time Yuta had the horses fed and watered the sun had begun to set, and it was decided that retiring for the night was the best course of action. They’d fill their bellies and continue in the morning, well rested and more alert for it. When the topic of keeping watch came up Yuta and Johnny immediately went about splitting duties between them, seemingly content to leave Jaehyun out of the conversation. 

Which, naturally, set Jaehyun bristling.

“Why don’t I take the first shift?” he interjected, folding his arms across his chest. “We’ll each get more sleep if we split the night evenly between us. You can’t argue that more sleep won’t benefit us before the long ride ahead.”

Johnny shook his head, brushing him off without a thought. “Not necessary. Yuta and I will be able to get more than enough sleep if we split the watch in half, there’s no need to pull you into it.”

Jaehyun frowned, eyebrows drawn together. _Oh hell_, Yuta signed, immediately excusing himself. Jaehyun wasn’t sure exactly where he went, but he was too riled up to ask.

“Johnny. I’m perfectly capable of keeping watch, I’m not a delicate flower that needs protecting,” he argued, moving his hands to his hip. “I’d like to help. Let me take the first shift.”

If anything, his arguing only made Johnny more resolute. “I know you’re perfectly capable of plenty, Jaehyun, but you haven’t been trained to fight. You haven’t been raised to look and listen for danger at every turn. I think we’ll be better off if you leave it to Yuta and I.”

Jaehyun’s mouth opened, but no sound came out. When he closed it his teeth clicked together. “Fine then,” he huffed. “Because it’s not like I’m capable of keeping us safe.” 

Pursing his lips, Jaehyun gave a low, dulcet whistle. The sound was strong and clear, and it echoed around their little camp before following the wind through the trees, threading itself through the forest around them. As it faded and died the leaves above them began to shiver and come to life, followed by the soft sound of coos and clicks.

“We have an entire army of creatures keeping watch for us, thanks to me,” Jaehyun said sullenly. “I’m a little more useful than you seem to think.”

Johnny sighed, arms dropping to his sides. “Jaehyun, come here.”

“Hm.”

“Jaehyun.” This time Johnny lifted his arms, beckoning his lover over. Jaehyun begrudgingly moved near enough to be embraced, Johnny’s arms wrapping tight around him and holding him close.

“I’m not saying these things to hurt you,” Johnny murmured, kissing his temple. “You know I think you’re perfectly capable. Still, we have to be smart about the decisions we make if we’re going to get to Ardent in one piece.” His hands were warm, comforting against Jaehyun’s back, gently rubbing small circles into his skin. “You’ve been on edge since we left. Are you frightened?”

Jaehyun let himself sag, let the frost around his heart melt and drip away. “Of course I’m frightened,” he murmured, words muffled into Johnny’s shoulder. “It’s one thing knowing that the two of us are in danger. Now I have to worry about getting Yuta back in one piece, making sure Taeyong ends up okay. And what are we going to do once we get there, Johnny? We still have no plan.’

“That may be true,” Johnny conceded. “But we’re damned good at figuring things out in the thick of it, aren’t we? I’m sure that once we’re closer it’ll come to us.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Jaehyun groaned. “Just...let me help, alright? You need sleep just as much as I do. The crows can watch with me. It’ll be fine.”

There was a long moment as Johnny considered his words, seemingly at war with himself. Finally he sighed, letting his head fall back. “Fine. But you have to keep your wits about you, Jaehyun. If you hear anything you’re to wake me up, do you understand? Anything.”

Jaehyun grinned, pressing a quick kiss to the corner of Johnny’s mouth. “Anything, I promise.”

*

As it turned out, keeping watch was not particularly exciting.

Jaehyun sat alone with his back to a tree, nothing but the light of the moon to illuminate their little campsite. They’d decided to forgo a fire lest someone see it and come looking. It hadn’t been that long since Gavin and Lavinia had visited the farm, it stood to reason that the church would still be looking for them and could very well be nearby. So there he sat, eyes gradually adjusting to the dark, waiting for something to happen while dearly hoping nothing would. 

For a long while Jaehyun’s mind wandered through everything that could happen when they returned to Ardent. It was as good as fact that Johnny would be killed on sight if the church were to get hold of them. Would Jaehyun receive the same bloody fate? He hoped so; a life without Johnny would be no life at all, letting Jaehyun live without him would be the unkindest torture of all. If anything it would be like the old gods who ran, like Jongdae and Minseok, captured and burned in a public execution. Maybe he and Johnny would be beheaded, or hung. He barely knew his own face, but he could still see himself swinging from the gallows...

But something small, something quiet but confident, presented an alternative from somewhere in the back of his mind; what if, somehow, they could actually fix things? What if they could _win?_

Jaehyun shivered, pulling his cloak tight around his shoulders. Above him, the treetops rustled.

With a curious hum he adjusted himself against the tree, craning his neck to get a better look at the branches above. The movement immediately stilled. Whatever was above him was looking back.

“Is it you?” he crooned softly, eyebrows lifted. His heart felt still, solid. He knew he wasn’t in danger. “You can come down, you know.”

A silence followed, just long enough to make Jaehyun feel foolish for speaking to what seemed like nothing. Was he calling to the wind, beckoning it closer? He was thankful Johnny and Yuta were deep asleep and weren’t present for his foolishness.

But then the rustling began again, followed by a low, keening sound. The trees seemed to part around darkness, though once the leaves shifted back into place he could see that the darkness was instead a cluster of inky black feathers, wings shifting and spreading as a crow hopped down from the trees and slid gracefully to the ground below.

It landed barely three feet away, shifting and settling its great bulk until it was settled comfortable in the grass. Once still it cocked it’s head to the side, studying Jaehyun with beady eyes that seemed to hold all the depths of heaven and hell in its pointed gaze.

“_Divine. Maker. Keeper_,” it whispered, lowering its head deferentially.

Jaehyun couldn’t help but shift nervously, still fighting the instincts that told him to run. His first urge was to put space between himself and this creature, to call Johnny for help. He steadied himself with a breath, resting his hands in his lap.

“Mind yourself, they’re sleeping,” he said, nodding towards the two slumbering bodies not too far away. Somehow Johnny had managed to stop fussing and fall right asleep when the time came, rather than hovering over Jaehyun to make sure he wasn’t on any danger. Jaehyun intended on letting him sleep for as long as possible. “We need all the rest we can get if we’re going to take on an entire city.”

The crow ruffled its feathers, hunching down as if embarrassed. The cooing sound that gurgled from its throat was much quieter the next time.

“Good,” Jaehyun said, smiling. “Thank you for looking out for us. Knowing when to take the main roads and when to avoid them is going to make a big difference for us. We’ll be back to Ardent in no time.” Beside him sat the last bits of his supper, the crust from his bread and a few grapes. He plucked a grape from the stem, tossing it toward the bird. “Here, are you hungry?”

The crow examined the grape for a long moment before taking a small hop forward, grasping it delicately with the tip of its beak. It made a great show of tossing the fruit in the air before catching it and gobbling it down.

Jaehyun laughed, covering his mouth with his hands. “Show off,” he muttered, grinning. 

They sat in a companionable silence, the rest of Jaehyun’s watch slipping quickly by now that he had a companion to help him pass the time. While the creature’s vocabulary was relegated to single words, small utterances of various titles Jaehyun held at some point or another, he was a fairly good listener. Jaehyun found himself murmuring nonstop to the crow, talking through wandering threads of potential plans for when they arrived in Ardent.

“I suppose I ought to give you a name,” he mused, tossing the last grape to the bird. “How about Rook? It’s a bit on the nose, but it seems...I don’t know, sort of cheeky. Which works for you.”

The bird - Rook - let out a low croak, inclining its head to the side.

“Rook it is,” Jaehyun said with a smile, pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his thin arms around them. “Johnny’s going to think I’ve lost my mind, giving you a name. I’ll have to think of names for the rest, can’t play favourites, can…” He trailed off, sitting up and glancing over his shoulder. “What was that?”

Above them the trees began to rustle just as they had before, as if a great wind had blown through in random patterns. Jaehyun held up his hand in confusion, but felt no breeze against his skin. The air, if anything, felt as still as death, and just as quiet if not for the frantic whisper of leaves and branches. In the time it took him to realize that the movement came from the crows above Rook had begun to shake about as well, puffing his feathers up and hopping from foot to foot. 

“What is it?” Jaehyun managed, though his throat had gone dry and his heart was hammering in his chest.

Rook opened his wings, letting out an unearthly shriek. Immediately Jaehyun saw Johnny and Yuta jerk from their slumber, hands already grasping for their weapons in the dark.

“_Coming,_” Rook hissed, flapping his wings as he continued to dance and shuffle erratically. “_This way._”

Jaehyun stood, grabbing any odd remnants from his meal that might prove they’d been there. He shoved everything hastily in his bag, rushing to Johnny’s side. 

“I’m sorry you don’t have time to learn to ride properly,” Johnny said with a voice as hard as steel, belting his rapier in place. He did his best to show Jaehyun how to mount before giving up on propriety and patience, grabbing him firmly by the hips and hoisting him onto the black mare. “Hold onto me as tight as you can, alright? No matter what, don’t let go.”

Though terror had all but frozen him stiff, Jaehyun managed to nod. “Don’t let me fall, Johnny.”

Johnny’s hand found his thigh, somehow finding the time to give him a reassuring squeeze. “I never will, Jaehyun.”

And then he was climbing on to sit in front Jaehyun, grabbing the reigns and making sure Jaehyun’s arms were tight around his waist before kicking the beast into motion.

Jaehyun had never moved so fast in his entire life.

From the moment they kicked off the world seemed to race past them in blurs of greens and blues and shadowy blacks, the wind whistling in his ears and blowing his hair back from his face. The constant drumming of the horse’s hooves against the ground was immediately uncomfortable, but Jaehyun was too busy looking over his shoulder for any sign of what might be following him. Rook had said _they_. _They_ were coming. 

Who were _they_?

Just ahead Yuta lead the way, picking a path easily through the woods that wound around the trees and avoided any obvious paths. When they crossed through a shallow river the water kicked up around them, soaking through the heavy fabric of their clothing and setting the chill right against their skin. Jaehyun grit his teeth, holding tighter to the steady presence of Johnny against him, wondering once more who you were supposed to pray to when you yourself were the only god you’d ever known. 

They rode for some time, until Jaehyun felt frozen right through and his thighs were stiff and sore. Until his back had begun to ache and his jaw was tight from clenching his teeth. Until the sound of more and more sets of hooves began to drum from somewhere behind them.

“They’re coming,” Jaehyun shouted, head jerking around to try and spot their pursuers. Sure enough he could see at least a dozen riders coming up fast, the shining armor of the Church Guard glinting in the moonlight. 

Immediately Johnny leaned forward, shifting their bodies into the wind, closer to the neck of their mount. His knuckles were practically white where they held the reigns. “Don’t let go,” he called, words frantic though his posture and gaze stayed steady. “Hold tight to me, Jaehyunnie.”

Jaehyun did as told, fingers twisting in the front of Johnny’s shirt. He hid his face against Johnny’s back as if closing his eyes might make this all go away, might somehow change reality. He was cold. Cold and sore, trembling and afraid. He wasn’t ready for his freedom to come to an end.

“No arrows!” a voice shouted over the drumming of hooves, clear and high through the night. It somehow sounded familiar, though Jaehyun had spoken to so few women in his life that he couldn’t imagine who it might be. “We cannot risk the Divine! Swords ready, stay on their heels!”

Ahead of them Yuta’s head turned sharply, eyes peering behind at the command. His gaze met Johnny’s ever-so-briefly, but somehow that was enough for them to communicate something important, something Jaehyun must have missed. Johnny dug his heels into their horse’s flank, spurring him on. 

“I’m going to get you on Yuta’s horse,” he called over the racing wind, barely loud enough for Jaehyun to hear him. “Once he’s got you you’ll keep riding to Ardent. I’ll turn and get them off of your trail.”

Jaehyun furrowed his brow, looking at the back of Johnny’s head and wondering if he’d heard correctly. Why was his first response always to part ways? Why did he still think Jaehyun was going to let him go, sacrifice Johnny to the wolves so he could run free? 

“Like hell you will,” Jaehyun scoffed, resisting the urge to jab his fingers into Johnny’s ribs. There would be time later for pettiness. He hoped.

Looking to the sky behind him, Jaehyun pursed his lips and gave a sharp whistle. “Rook!” he called, as loud as he could over the cacophony of sound. “Rook I need you to buy us time!” Beyond the treeline the moon was at the apex of its journey, clear and bright and casting everything in an eerie glow. It filtered through the trees in silver streaks, lighting the way just enough for Yuta to pick out their path. 

A crow cried out in the distance.

“Jaehyun, what are you doing?” Johnny asked, though he didn’t dare to glance backward. He kept his gaze forward, watching for low branches and careful to follow Yuta’s winding trail as closely as he could. 

“Helping,” Jaehyun called back. 

Sure enough the single cry was followed by a chorus of noise, croaks and coos and rattles, and the heavy beating of wings. What little light the moon had granted them was blotted out as what looked to be almost a hundred birds circled above them, appearing suddenly as if they were born of the shadows around them.

“Hellspawn!” the guard behind them called, voice ringing like steel. “Don’t lose your focus!”

A crow rushed past Jaehyun’s head, so close that its wings nearly clipped his cheek. His heart rattled wildly in his chest, let out a few frantic beats, before the screaming began. Against his better judgement, Jaehyun looked over his shoulder.

He’d read of slaughters before, had learned about them through history books and studying the bloody battles of Ardent’s past. He knew the world could be a violent, horrible place, had watched as children were Silenced, seen their tongues torn from their bodies. But this...this was so _much_. The armor of the guard, cast carefully and polished with pride, was little more than tin under the wicked beaks of the crows. They ripped it from their flailing victims, using their sturdy bodies and heavy wings to batter them off of their horses. The soldiers foolish enough to be caught riding without helmets shrieked in terror as their eyes were plucked away, their throats cut open with little fanfare other than a fountain of blood.

In no time the regiment was down to half of its numbers, all of whom were viciously beating away at the attack, waving their swords about like wild men. The crows seemed to delight in their panic, barking out what could only be heard as laughter as they picked and peck and tore them apart.

“Don’t look Jaehyun,” Johnny said urgently, ducking to avoid a low hanging branch. “Keep your eyes forward. Keep holding on to me.” 

Jaehyun nodded quickly, once more hiding his face against Johnny’s back. As they rode hard through the night he kept his face tucked away, careful not to look at the destruction he’d caused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god it's been a lot of months. I am SO SORRY. LIFE and COVID and DEPRESSION and like. I'm here I'm back I s2g it won't be long for the next chapter!


	18. The Sign

What little sleep Jaehyun had was plagued with dreams. 

It was always the same, playing again and again in his mind like pictures from a storybook he’d read until memorized. Always the same precipice, always his feet poised just at the edge and ready to jump. Always Johnny calling for him, desperate to lure him away from the great drop that beckoned him into its embrace. 

He would awake with a jerk, feeling less rested than before he closed his eyes.

It didn’t help that those moments of respite were so few and far between. After the run in with the guard they rode hard, only stopping when the horses could no longer push forward on their frantic journey. When they did stop it was only long enough to feed and water their mounts, give the horses a bit of rest before continuing on. Yuta and Johnny split watch evenly between them; they seemed to know better than to ask Jaehyun.

_You did what had to be done,_ Yuta reasoned, gaining Jaehyun’s attention from where he’d been staring sightlessly into the distance. _They would have killed us and taken you prisoner, Jaehyun. If we’d let them live they wouldn’t stop until they caught you._

“I know,” Jaehyun whispered, resisting the urge to do something as terribly rude as close his eyes to block out Yuta’s good sense. “I know that, Yuta. But I can’t stop hearing the way they screamed.”

It had taken ages to convince Johnny to sleep. He was far too focused on Jaehyun, attuned to how he picked listlessly at food and the listless way he responded to attempts at conversation with simple, one word answers. When they sat together Jaehyun would slump listlessly into his arms, ignoring any and all attempts at making him feel better about the situation.

“It’s no different than the beast you killed to save me, back before Jeno found us,” Johnny had whispered softly after switching off with Yuta, carding his fingers through chocolate brown curls that Jaehyun imagined were badly in need of a wash. “You defending the people you love isn’t a wicked thing, Jaehyun. You protected us.”

“I murdered them,” Jaehyun whispered. The words felt like poison in his mouth, acid pooling on his tongue and sliding down his throat. “These weren’t monsters. They were people.”

“They were people who wanted to hunt us down like animals and drag you back to your prison, Jaehyun,” Johnny reasoned. He adjusted Jaehyun against him, turning him until his legs rested over Johnny’s lap and his head was tucked snug under Johnny’s chin. This allowed him to hold Jaehyun tighter, cradle him against his body. “We’re so close now. We may be able to change things for the better, for so many people. Don’t lose faith in yourself now.”

Jaehyun closed his eyes and drew a deep breath. No matter what Johnny and Yuta said, he just couldn’t shake the idea that he’d betrayed himself. Betrayed who he was, at the very core of his being. The howl of the wind sounded like the screams of dying men, shrill and unending as it shrieked around him. Food tasted like ash in his mouth. His dreams offered no shelter. And beyond that, he still didn’t know what they were going to do once they reached the city.

He had one method for pushing himself forward when he just couldn’t seem to go on, tried and true; he closed his eyes and pictured the boy at the Silencing. 

Even after seasons away Jaehyun could still remember his face, the look of terror in his eyes as he parents handed him over for mutilation. Jisung. He had reminded Jaehyun of a little churchmouse, with his button nose and wide eyes, trembling before a sanctuary full of people who silently, shamefully, thirsted for his blood. Jaehyun had seen so many children Silenced, had grieved them all, but for some reason that one boy changed everything. He could not, would not, let the fathers harm one more child in his name.

“You’re right,” he murmured, squeezing his eyes shut until flickers of colour danced behind his lids. When he opened them he drew a deep breath, all but forcing himself to shed the melancholy that had clung to him like a shroud ever since they evaded capture. “Of course you’re right. I’m just...not used to having to fight for my life, is all.”

“Don’t worry, I have plenty of experience fighting for your life,” Johnny said tenderly, pressing a kiss to the tip of his nose. “It’s a life worth fighting for.”

By the time Yuta woke the sun was hidden behind thick grey clouds, the first few flurries of winter snow wandering down from the sky. Jaehyun watched as Yuta and Johnny stripped the horses of their saddles, laying thick blankets across their strong backs before dressing them to ride once more. Jaehyun dutifully ignored the aches and pains that tried to seize his weary muscles as he climbed up behind Johnny, curling against his warmth.

“We should arrive at the gates by nightfall,” Johnny said, nudging their horse into a slow trot. They rode next to Yuta, making it easier to communicate. “Our best option is to scout the perimeter once we arrive, see which gate has the smallest guard.”

“You mean we won’t have to climb the ivy like last time?” Jaehyun snorted.

Johnny huffed a laugh, breath turning to vapour as it passed his lips. “I doubt we’d have the chance. I’m sure they’ve burned down anything that could be used to sneak past the walls, we’ll have to find some way to get in through the gates.”

That would prove to be difficult, to say the least. There were four gates leading into Ardent, one in each of the cardinal directions. The south gate was the main entrance into the city. It was a grand thing made of iron, and one would have to turn a giant wheel just inside to raise and lower it. To the north were two flanking towers with a smaller gate wedged between them. The east and west entrances were undoubtedly smaller, but would be no less guarded than the others.

“There’s an elevated door on the east wall,” Johnny said, seemingly thinking out loud. “If we can distract the guards, lure them away, we’d be able to slip right past them. We could use the crows....”

“Not yet,” Jaehyun said quickly, voice offering no room for negotiation. “I’m not ready to call on them again, not just yet.”

For a while they rode in silence, all three thinking of half baked ways they could get past the walls of Ardent without drawing attention to themselves. It was the better half of an hour before Yuta sat up, reaching across the space between their horses to grab Johnny by the arm.

His eyes were bright, smile wide. _I have an idea,_ he signed, and Jaehyun didn’t know if he should feel excitement or dread at the look on his face.

-

“Let me go! I won’t go back, I _won’t!_”

No response, just a vicious tug at Jaehyun’s left arm as he was dragged towards the east gate. The guards barely seemed to hear them, far too engrossed in the game of Knucklebones they’d been betting on all morning. It only took a moment for Jaehyun to recognize them; they were the guards that often served during Silencings, holding the children so they couldn’t pull away while their tongues were carved out.

Yuta sighed, pinching Jaehyun’s side.

“I’m being as loud as I can, we can’t risk anyone other than those two overhearing us,” Jaehyun muttered through clenched teeth. He took a deep breath before trying again. “LET ME GO, YOU BASTARD! I WON’T LET YOU TAKE ME BACK!”

This time the guards looked up, eyes wide and brows raised as they looked for the source of the noise. When they spotted Jaehyun being dragged towards the wall by Yuta they sprang into action, running towards them with weapons drawn.

“Is it the Divine?” the taller of the two asked, eyes wide. When he saw how viciously Jaehyun was fighting he sheathed his sword, lest he accidentally spill blood. If this truly was The Most Holy he could not risk harming a hair on his head. Instead he led his companion over, stopping a stone’s throw away. “Have you found him?”

Yuta looked at them with wide eyes, nodding frantically. Unable to explain himself he merely gestured them closer, as if keeping hold of Jaehyun was some great task. 

“You’re a Saint,” the second guard murmured, eyes just as wide as the other’s. “Good fellow. Here, keep hold of him, you two bring him in and I’ll-_glk!_”

As the second guard issued commands Johnny crept up from behind, silent as death. He used the commotion as cover, slipping behind the first guard and driving his rapier through his neck. Before the other could react Johnny cut him down as well, eyes cold and face impassive.

“Well done,” he said, clapping Yuta firmly on the shoulder. “The door leads to a back alley, I’ll make sure it’s empty before you come in.” He gave Jaehyun a fleeting smile, gently touching his chin before jogging over to the wall. There was a short flight of stairs that led up to a heavy wooden door, which Johnny unlatched and pushed open. He peered in carefully, looking at Jaehyun could only guess what before disappearing through the passage.

Jaehyun made a conscious ever not to chew a hole in his lip as his stress amplified, leading Yuta over to the staircase where they could wait it out. “We can hide under here until he’s back. No one will see us, if we’re lucky.” They tucked themselves under the rotting wood of the structure, Jaehyun crouching down and wrapping his arms around his knees.

The light snow from earlier had turned into a proper fall, though it wasn’t quite cold enough for the flakes to stick. As Jaehyun watched the snow his mind raced. Any moment Johnny was out of his sight was one moment too many, and he quickly found himself desperate for some sort of distraction. He turned to look at Yuta, resting his chin on his knees.

“Why did you come with us?” he asked, voice hushed. In his panicked state he couldn’t help thinking of Taeyong, thinking of what would happen if Yuta died fighting for them. Jaehyun would have to die too, he’d never be able to live with the guilt. “You have a home. A safe place to sleep every night. Someone who loves you, who needs you to come back to him in one piece. So why go with us?”

Yuta hummed to show he had heard, but did not respond for quite some time. Instead he watched the treeline just beyond, though Jaehyun could see he wasn’t looking at anything in particular.

_You both deserve a safe place, too. We fancy ourselves good people, but what sort of good person would sit by and watch two innocent men struggle to escape captivity without doing everything he could to help?_ He turned to Jaehyun, shooting him a rueful smile. _Besides, this was mostly Taeyong’s idea. Like he said when we left, it was a bargaining chip to force you home, safe._

“Home,” Jaehyun said softly, wistfully. “You both offer up your home to us so willingly.”

_Because it can be your home too,_ Yuta said, smile turning hopeful. _I’ve never really had a family, not after I was Silenced and I decided to leave the one that had handed me over. Never had a brother. I feel like I might, now._ He looked forward, grimacing. _Anyway, Taeyong will have my head if I don’t bring you back in one piece._

Despite the anxiety bubbling in his chest, despite his desperation to reunite with Johnny, Jaehyun couldn’t help but smile. “Well then we’ll just keep watching each other’s backs, then.”

A mournful cry sounded from somewhere beyond the trees. Jaehyun sighed, shaking his head. “Rook…” 

_Your bird thinks you’re angry with him,_ Yuta said with a grin. _You ought to put him out of his misery._

Jaehyun sighed, nodding. “I suppose you’re right. I can’t blame them for something I asked them to do.” He pursed his lips, giving a quite whistle and letting his eyes scan the sky above for a familiar smudge of black. He nearly missed it against the darkness of night, but almost immediately Rook came wheeling across the sky, croaking and burbling as he landed on the grass before them. He did a funny little of dance, hopping from one foot to another, clearly thrilled to be called on once more.

“I know, I know,” Jaehyun said softly, trying to hush his noise. “I’m sorry I was ignoring you, it wasn’t your fault. Are you ready to help again?”

Rook croaked once more, ruffling his feathers up.

“Alright,” Jaehyun said, carefully reaching out to scratch the top of his head. “Go to the west wall, the one on the opposite side of the city. Kick up as much noise as you can, get their attention away from this part of the city. But do _not_ hurt anyone, alright? And more importantly, don’t let yourself get hurt. If they start firing arrows you come back and find me.”

The crow, so much larger and more terrifying than any bird he’d ever seen but somehow still so childish, wiggled its tail feathers back and forth to show his understanding. With a soft trill he turned, hopping forward before taking off to the sky, seeking out his brothers and sisters.

A few minutes later the door above them opened. Both men went stock still, holding their breath until they heard Johnny’s soft “alright, come up!” above them.

Jaehyun hopped up, offering Yuta a hand and pulling him to his feet. They scrambled up the stairs, past the wooden door, and into Ardent’s dark, dismal low town.

Immediately a strange sort of chill washed over him, one he could only assume came from the dread of being within Ardent’s walls once more. In this area of the city the houses were close together, the streets muddy and wet and lined with filth. They didn’t often come this far out during processions. The fathers would rather pretend that their shining city was nothing but prosperity, glittering and gold, the pristine cradle of the Living God. 

But here, this was the home of the poor. The weak. The desperate families that sent their children to be Silenced. This was the Ardent Jaehyun never got to see, the people he dearly wished he could speak for, rather than those who paid enough for the grand houses and grassy plots closest to the Cathedral. 

“It smells like sickness here,” he whispered, heart shuddering with pity. “Like death.”

Johnny put a hand on his back, leading him carefully down the alley and closer to the main street that cut through the cluster of tenements they’d hidden behind. “There used to be cemeteries in this part of the city, before they overbuilt,” he explained, eyes constantly scanning for signs of life. “When they ran out of room but their greed was still abundant they shoved more residences back here, right up until they hit the wall.”

Jaehyun shuddered at the thought. “So they force the poor to live on top of the graves of their ancestors,” he whispered, horrified. “This ought to be consecrated ground.”

_Money and power are the only things they find sacred_, Yuta signed pointedly. _Come on, let’s keep moving._

“Where are we even going?” Johnny asked, though he wasted no time in setting off towards the centre of the city. “Do we have any sort of plan, Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun swallowed hard, sweat prickling at his temples and his lower back. “Just...get us to the Cathedral. That’s where my heart is telling us we need to be, where some sort of solution will show itself to us. Get us there and I’ll know what to do.”

The sigh Johnny heaved would be insulting if Jaehyun hadn’t known him his entire life. “Jaehyun, that’s...we can’t march into the Cathedral with no plan,” he said, voice strained. 

“We’re not marching in. We’re...waiting for the plan to let me know what it is?” Jaehyun tried.

“You’re not going to get anywhere close to the Cathedral, it’s been on lockdown ever since The Divine was taken.”

All three men jumped at the voice, whirling around to see where it had come from. Johnny pointed his rapier with a steady hand, Yuta had his bow off of his back and an arrow notched in the space of a breath. 

A teenager sat tucked against the alley wall, eyes sleepy and heavy lidded as he looked at them curiously. His clothing was tattered and his face was filthy, black smears of grime running across the bridge of his nose and along his cheek. He looked like he was badly in need of a good meal. It was clear he’d been living on the street for some great amount of time.

Jaehyun gasped, the shock of his face sending him to his knees. “Jisung,” he breathed, clasping his hands over his heart. 

The boy’s eyebrows knit together as he watched Jaehyun, lips pressed into a tight frown. “I’m sorry, do I know you?” As Jisung asked his eyes wandered over to Johnny, and a slow sort of understanding dawned on his face. “Your Grace?”

Jaehyun pressed his lips together, nodding. “Yes, it’s me. I’ve…” He glanced over his shoulder, looking for Johnny, needing his strength. “We’ve come back. To try and help. To stop them from starving their own people, cutting them up to keep them from ever raising their voices.”

Jisung rubbed at his eyes, as if trying to clear some sort of delusion. As if Jaehyun was a hallucination and nothing more. “Your Grace, they said...they said you’d abandoned us,” he said softly, a gentle pain in his meek words. “But you’re back.”

“I would never abandon my people,” Jaehyun said fiercely, taking Jisung’s hands and clasping them tight in his own. “The fathers have abused you, have abused all of my followers. Have abused me. But we’re going to put an end to it.”

At first Jisung’s hands were limp in his own, as if he wasn’t quite sure if he should pull away. But as Jaehyun spoke he started to hold onto him, tighter and tighter until his knuckles were white and there was desperation in his eyes. He moved to his knees, shuffling closer. 

“But how?” he asked, breathless and excited. “What will you do?”

Jaehyun froze. It was one thing to tell Johnny and Yuta that he had no plan, but it was something else entirely to say that to a hopeful child. But as Jaehyun opened his mouth to let him down as gently as possible a thought occurred to him, and suddenly he knew what they had to do.

“We’re going to tell everyone,” he said, lips curving into an eager smile. “And you’re going to help.” He stood, offering Jisung a hand and pulling him to his feet. Once they were up he grabbed his pack, digging around until he found some of the salted meat and fruit that he hadn’t yet eaten. “Here, take these. Get a meal in your belly. And then gather up as many people as you can, tell them that their protector is back and he wants to see them all in Cathedral Square, at sunrise.”

Jisung looked for a moment like he might argue, but the desire for food was too strong. He took a bite of meat, chewing quickly and swallowing it down. “Do you think they’ll listen to me?”

Yuta quickly started signing, just as excited as Jaehyun. “Start with the poor, as many people as you can gather from low town,” Johnny translated quickly for Jisung’s benefit. “Once there’s a large enough crowd gathered people will come just to slake their curiosity. Jaehyun can talk to the people, on his own for once.” Johnny stopped, frowning. “And when the guard shows up?”

“Then we hope the city loves me enough to keep them away,” Jaehyun said. His voice trembled, something like hope taking root in his chest. “Humble, Diligence, they’ll never listen to reason. They’ll kill me and replace me before accepting any sort of change. But if we can talk to the people...we may stand a chance.”

For a long while Johnny watched his face, clearly thinking through all of the possible outcomes of such a plan. Finally he sighed, giving a small nod. “Alright. I have faith in you.’ He sheathed his sword, casting his eyes about. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and run into Kun, the stronger we are the better.”

“Captain Kun?” Jisung said around a bite of apple. “Oh, no one has seen him in ages. They say he’s been locked in a cell somewhere since the day you left.”

Jaehyun’s heart sank into his stomach. “Oh, Kun…”

“He’s alive Jaehyun,” Johnny said firmly. “If they killed him it would be public, to prove a point. He’s alive, and we won’t leave this godforsaken city without him.” He looked to Jisung, expression grim. “Are you ready to serve the Divine, boy?”

Jisung nodded quickly, as if he’d never been bestowed with a greater honour. “I’ll bring everyone I can.” Just as he went to turn a thought seemed to strike him, rooting him in place. With shy, stilted motions he bowed at Jaehyun’s feet, murmuring, “Thank you for trusting me to serve you, Your Grace.” Without waiting for Jaehyun’s response he stood, taking off for the street and shouting at the top of his lungs.

“HE’S BACK. THE LIVING GOD HAS RETURNED. CATHEDRAL SQUARE, HE’S COMING!”

-

The closer they crept towards the Cathedral the faster Jaehyun’s heart beat in his chest. By the time they made it to the old parade routes his heart was pounding and the moon was already halfway through its journey through the night sky. Jaehyun shivered, taking a slow, ragged breath as they moved silently through the night.

“Yuta, I have a favour to ask of you that...isn’t a fair one, but I must ask it,” Johnny said slowly. “Kun, the one in the cells…”

Yuta gave a rueful smile. _You want me to go get him?_

Jaehyun stopped dead in his tracks. “Johnny, are you sure we should separate?” he asked, wiping his damp palms against his cloak. He wasn’t sure how he could be so cold and still sweat so much. An errant snowflake landed on his eyelashes, and he quickly blinked it away. “Yuta doesn’t know the Cathedral like you do.”

Johnny kept his eyes forward, expression grim. “I know. But my heart tells me the safest place for him is far away from us. If we split up now...they won’t question a Saint. You’ll be safer on your own. Once they catch wind that we’re on the streets it will draw most of the guard away from the Cathedral, giving him more freedom to move until he finds what he’s looking for.” He looked to Yuta, reaching forward to squeeze his shoulder. “Kun is the only reason we made it out. He looked the other way, entrusted me with setting Jaehyun free. I can’t stand to think of him rotting down there for a moment longer.”

_And it won’t hurt to have another at our side,_ Yuta reasoned. If he was frightened, if he felt any sense of betrayal over Johnny asking such a favour of him, Jaehyun couldn’t tell. He wore his same daring grin, shrugging as if it was the most mundane task in the world. _If we can’t find each other by sunrise then do what you must and get out of the city. We’ll meet at Sanctuary, Doyoung will be able to protect us there._

“Clever,” Johnny said with a nod. “If things go south we meet at Sanctuary. Move silently, my friend. I fear your husband more than I fear anything else.”

Yuta laughed, eyes bright, as if he was excited at the promise of danger. _See you at sunrise._ With that he split away, taking a side road and quickly disappearing from view.

They stood in silence for a moment after he’d gone, unconsciously reaching for each other’s hands as if it was muscle memory for them to cling together. Jaehyun held tight to Johnny, lacing their fingers, taking shaking breath after shaking breath. It was as if the true realization of what they were doing had set in. Where they were going. What was on the line.

For reasons beyond his understanding, Jaehyun couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled up in his throat. He tried to fight it, tried to quiet the unhinged mirth inside of him, but it managed to pry his teeth open and set itself free. He lifted his free hand to wipe the moisture welling behind his eyes, smile crooked.

“Johnny, if we don’t survive this…” Jaehyun looked down for a moment, swallowing hard. In the distance he could hear shouting. He dearly hoped it was Jisung, gathering a great mass of believers. Or the guards running in the exact opposite direction of them, towards the crows at the west wall. The part of him that knew better quietly pointed out that it was probably the church guard, alerted by the gathering crowd. “I want you to know that I love you. I’ve always loved you. If these months were all we were ever destined to have then...it was worth you. You were worth it.”

Johnny lifted a trembling hand, every so gently brushing his fingers over Jaehyun’s cheek. “I would lay my life down for you time and time again, Jaehyun. I worship you. As a god, as a lover, I don’t care. I am devoted to you, and if I die at your side then I will go in peace.”

Footsteps, somewhere to their left. Jaehyun flinched, springing into action as Johnny tugged him away. “Though I’d still like to point out that living through this would be preferable. Come on, quickly now!”

They were getting closer. Jaehyun could practically smell the still air of the sanctuary, taste the dust of the old libraries on his tongue. The houses were growing cleaner, larger, and the streets were dotted with trees as they wound their way to the city centre. “It will never fail to amaze me that some people live in great, grand houses while others scrounge for food on the streets,” Jaehyun sighed, shaking his head.

“Rich people will do anything to stay rich,” Johnny reasoned, feet all but silent as they made their way from street to street. “They all scratch each other’s backs so the money stays between a certain few, rather than sharing with the people who truly need it.”

A bitter anger crept up the back of Jaehyun’s spine, flooding his mind with a rage he didn’t often feel. “Doyoung was right. About everything. They ought to raze the ground where the Cathedral stands and start fresh.”

“Perhaps. It’s tricky, they’ve raised centuries upon centuries of believers. Even if the system were to change they may still need their belief in heaven, salvation, to make the change more palatable,” Johnny reasoned. “Change the system, but keep the church.”

“The church is the worst part of it,” Jaehyun muttered. 

They were close enough that the spires of the Cathedral were visible above the houses and shops they snuck behind, looming, as always, just in the edges of Jaehyun’s vision. “We may have to find a place to hide until sunrise, we made it faster than I-ah!”

Before he could finish his sentence Jaehyun felt a hand in his hair, tangling in the strands and yanking him backwards. The world shifted and turned as he fell backwards, nothing to ground him but that point of pain dragging him back. Before Johnny could fully turn around Jaehyun found himself pinned to a firm body behind him, the sharpness of steel pressed to his throat.

“Got you, little bird,” a voice snarled in his ear, digging the blade into his skin just enough to draw pain and the thinnest trail of blood that dripped down his neck to pool in the hollow of his collarbone. As Johnny turned, horror in his eyes, Jaehyun could hear the heavy pounding of boots coming their way.

“Gavin! You’ve got him?” a woman called out, somewhere from behind.

“I’ve got him,” the man assured, voice dripping with contempt. “Send word to the fathers. We’re bringing the fugitives back to the Cathedral.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You...might see the final chapter and epilogue within the next two days? OH MY GOD.


	19. A Precipice, A Fall

“That’s the one true Living God you’re manhandling, scum,” Johnny snarled, rapier brandished in their direction. Ser Gavin’s hold was tight, taking Jaehyun’s right arm and twisting it viciously behind his back. Pain lanced up Jaehyun’s bicep and through to his shoulder, yet somehow he could only focus on the way the tip of Johnny’s blade was shaking. Johnny was frightened. He so rarely saw Johnny frightened.

Gavin snorted, left hand giving a vicious tug at Jaehyun’s hair. “I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the Living God,” he snarled. “Not after what he did to my partner with his little flock of pigeons.”

In his panic Jaehyun could barely piece together what he was saying. He was far too focused on the way his arm was bending, the rigid places where Gavin’s plates of armor were digging into his skin, freezing from the winter air. Then, in a flash, the voice came back to him; high and commanding, a woman’s voice that he could swear he’d heard before.

Gavin and Lavinia. The soldiers from Yuta and Taeyong’s house, when Johnny and Jaehyun were hiding in the crawl space praying they wouldn’t be caught. Lavinia had been the head of the squadron pursuing them in the forest, the woman’s voice he could hear calling out to them. She was dead, and Jaehyun was responsible for it.

“I didn’t know they would kill her,” he practically moaned, barely daring to swallow lest his throat bob and press too hard into the blade. “I was just trying to get away, I’m sorry!”

“I’m sure you are,” Gavin said, voice dripping with disdain. “You’ll be even sorrier once the fathers show you what happens to gods who wander.”

With Jaehyun as a bargaining chip it was all too easy for them to relieve Johnny of his sword, for his hands to be restrained behind his back with thick iron shackles that one of the guards had swinging from his belt. All of their belongings were taken away and a great deal of space was put between them as they were jostled forward and forced into motion, Jaehyun gripped tight between two burly, sullen looking men.

“This is the Living God,” Johnny raged, pieces of hair falling out of the ribbon holding it back and hanging over his face. “Your Sovereign. Who do you serve, the Most Holy or the stone prison meant to keep him prisoner?”

Gavin was quiet for a long time. It was as if he was bored with Johnny’s struggling, too high and mighty to answer. As they marched through the streets the urchins that wandered the wealthier areas of the city would stop and look with curious eyes, though the steel and sadism of the church guard quickly sent them on their way. Jaehyun ached to call out for them, to beg for help, but what could a few hungry children do? 

“I serve the heavens,” Gavin finally said, cold and cruel. “I serve the learned men who speak for the heavens. We’ve heard stories about wayward gods who abandoned their people, were swayed by a handsome face or the promise of freedom, the way that their followers suffered in their absence. I’ve seen how Ardent has suffered without you. I look to the fathers to guide us during these dark times.”

“I didn’t abandon you!” Jaehyun cried out, feet catching on an errant stone. He stumbled, but found himself hefted bodily upwards and dragged along. The soldiers made no move to slow, showed no interest in helping him find his balance. 

“If you keep talking I’ll gag you,” Gavin said through grit teeth.

“No, listen to me,” Jaehyun begged. “Don’t you understand? All this misery, all the pain and sorrow, it’s just as they’ve designed it. They can’t control a city of full bellies, a city of people who can speak out for themselves. They tell you that you must be whipped for your transgressions, must bleed for me. Must send your children to have their tongues cut out so they don’t grow up to ask questions.” Jaehyun was crying now, desperate tears sliding down his face, some dripping off the tip of his nose. “They want you to suffer, and be glad for it. But that’s not what I’ve asked of you. I’m not a malevolent god.”

Gavin stopped so abruptly that the guards holding Jaehyun nearly tripped over him. He turned, eyebrows knit, eyes narrow. Hope bloomed in Jaehyun like a wildflower, desperate, longing for Gavin to believe him, to listen to reason.

But Gavin merely lifted his hand, bringing the back of his gauntlet across Jaehyun’s face. Despite the explosion of pain across Jaehyun’s cheek it was Johnny who cried out, as if he himself was the one struck.

“Don’t touch him!” Johnny practically howled, a wild animal fighting its captors. “I swear I’ll cut your hand off at the wrist!”

Jaehyun blinked, dazed and disheartened. He almost couldn’t feel the pain; it was drowned out by his sorrow, by the spark of hope inside of him being extinguished. He probed at his wound with his tongue, gingerly prodding at the split bottom lip and the sluggish stream of blood that dripped down his chin.

“You don’t want to be free,” Jaehyun whispered, mournful. “You want to be powerful.”

“What I want...is for you to shut your pretty little mouth,” Gavin sneered. “Come on, bring them along. The fathers were right, his voice is driving me mad.”

In an attempt to avoid prying eyes the guard dragged them in through a side entrance, a dark hallway Jaehyun wasn’t sure he’d been down in his twenty-two years of life. It led to a narrow staircase, so tight that three men couldn’t fit side-by-side. Instead one guard walked beside him and one stayed close behind, ready to strike if Jaehyun acted out of line. 

Up and up and up they went, passing nothing but glowing candles in simple stone sconces on the wall. Whenever Jaehyun tripped or tumbled the guards were quick to yank him to his feet, offering no patience or pity. With nothing to look at but stone and the back of Gavin before him his mind began to race, to think of all the possible punishments coming there way.

He’d heard of people burned at the stake for displeasing the church. Public hangings, flesh whipped away until the poor penitent died from blood loss. Yet none of those seemed enough; knowing how Humble had always hated him, knowing that he would go to the ends of the earth to make them suffer, Jaehyun’s mind couldn’t even begin to put together a punishment wicked enough to make Humble happy.

He shivered, teeth chattering together until they ached. It took effort to keep moving forward, one foot after the other, and Jaehyun found that if he focused on that then his head wasn’t quite as full of possible tortures.

After what felt like ages they made it to a landing that opened up into a much wider hall. The difference in furnishings was immediate. Cold stone gave way to a plush, woven rug that added a bit of warmth to the room, the simple sconces replaced by iron braziers crackling merrily in the corners of the room. The walls were decorated with paintings of what seemed to be fathers long since dead; Jaehyun recognized one or two of them, faces he’d somehow managed to retain during his studies over the years. All old men with miserable faces, all liars and thieves and jailers.

At the end of the hall was a door, a grand looking thing polished to a high shine and decorated with gold filigree. The fires around the room reflected on its brilliant surface, multiplying and glowing and filling the hall with a warm light that did nothing to melt the ice in Jaehyun’s chest. 

Gavin strode over to the door, knocking firmly. “You four, keep hold of them. The rest of you, go grab a hot meal. You’ve earned it.”

All of the guards other than Gavin and the four restraining Johnny and Jaehyun - perhaps six of them, all told - hovered for a long moment before saluting and returning the way they came. Jaehyun couldn’t bother to look after them. He was too busy staring at the door with a mounting dread, knowing deep in his heart what was waiting for them beyond its gilded barrier.

Sure enough the door opened, and there was Father Humble.

“Your worship,” Gavin said, clicking his boots together and giving a bow. “We’ve found them. How would you like us to proceed?”

Humble was just as Jaehyun remembered. Tall, solid, austere, face as rigid and cold as if carved out of the same stone as the Cathedral itself. Anyone who saw the fathers often enough would take his black robes for casual clothing, but newcomers to Ardent might still be struck by the quality of the wool and the fine braided belt around his waist. His hair was pushed back, and the grey at his temples seemed to have spread in the months they were gone. He cut a sharp figure, terrifying Jaehyun just as he always had.

Humble managed what for him might count as a smile as he stepped aside, ushering them in. “I never thought I’d see the day,” he murmured. “Bring them in. Well done binding the Cavalier, he knows far too much about the workings of the Cathedral to trust with his freedom.”

As they were led in Jaehyun couldn’t help but be dazed by the opulence surrounding them. They appeared to be in a grand sitting room, filled with plush looking chairs lined with red velvet, ornate tapestries, and a grand fireplace crackling merrily against the far wall. On either side of the fireplace there were open doors leading to a balcony that stretched the length between them, framed by gauzy looking red curtains. Candles sat on gold candlesticks, and on a low table at the centre of the room was an assortment of fruits and other such treats. There were desks, bookshelves full of works, a small couch on the wall...furnishing the likes of which Jaehyun had never seen before.

“Welcome to our study, Jaehyun.” Diligence stood from one of the chairs, smiling benevolently. His own robes were a burgundy, the colour of deep, dark wine. “We’ve so missed you, child. Ser Gavin, bring them to sit. They must be dead on their feet.”

Jaehyun smiled wearily, skin pulling so tight that he knew there must be quite the bruise on his cheek. “It’s been a while, Father.” He sat slowly in one of the velvet chairs, amazed by the softness of the fabric. He watched as Johnny was pushed into a chair beside him, sitting awkwardly with his hands bound behind his back. “Where is Father Temperance?”

“Long since dead. Returned to the other side of the dream. You may go,” Humble said to the soldiers standing by. “Gavin, guard the door. The rest of you, back to your duties.”

A year ago Jaehyun might be stunned by a father’s death. Now the news washed over him as if it meant nothing. If anything he felt a sort of peace at having one less tormentor as he watched Gavin bow, leading his men out and shutting the door firmly behind him. 

“Well,” Diligence said, still wearing that damned smile, as if he was having a chat with his favourite nephew. “You’ve been off on quite the adventure.”

In a move that shocked no one Johnny got to his feet, charging for Diligence as if he might, bound as he was, somehow manage to best him. Before he could reach the father Humble had Jaehyun by the hair, dragging him out of the chair and throwing him to the ground. Naturally Johnny was immediately distracted by Jaehyun’s cry, turning just in time to see Humble grab the flogger he’d tucked into the back of his belt, bringing it down hard against Jaehyun’s side. Jaehyun screamed, curling up in an attempt to protect himself from the blow. 

“Do you see what happens when you disobey?” Humble hissed, bringing it down once more. A strand of his neatly styled hair fell out of place, that one simple lock serving to make him look quite mad. “Listen to me, guardian. You move, you so much as _speak_ out of turn, and the boy will pay for it. Now _return to your seat_.”

Stunned, guilty, Johnny returned to his chair. He sat on the edge watching Jaehyun with trembling eyes, fingers flexing and twisting in his desperation to reach out to him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, broken with the prospect that Jaehyun was suffering because of him. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

It was such a rare show of cowed obedience. Satisfied, Humble dragged Jaehyun up by his arm and threw him back in his own chair. Jaehyun drew a ragged breath, stunned and trying to process how quickly everything had happened. “Good. I’ve had my fill of you lot, and if you think I won’t kill you tonight then you are sorely wrong. Diligence, carry on.”

Father Diligence sighed, folding his hands primly in his lap. “It didn’t have to be like this,” he lamented, as if he truly hated to see Jaehyun suffer. “Even if you two couldn’t resist buggering each other silly, you could have done it behind closed doors and played nice for the rest of the world. But you thought you could have it all. And where did that get you? Right back here, and now I’m the one on left to try and fix it all.”

Curled up in his chair, Jaehyun kept his eyes glued to the floor. He was trembling from the flogging, grinding his teeth together as he tried not to focus on the pain. “You’re liars. All of you. You say you speak for the people, but the whole while you’re stealing from them, starving them. You’re not men of god. You’re wicked.”

“Yes, well, that’s your interpretation,” Diligence said loftily. “In my opinion the people need order, someone to keep them on track and moving forward. We do our best to keep everything from crumbling into nothing. Who are you to tell us our methods are wrong?”

Jaehyun closed his eyes, a dreamy sort of smile crossing his face. It was as if a pretty sort of fog had filled his mind, like he was far away from the pain and fear of reality. “I’m god,” he whispered, head tilting to the side to rest on his shoulder. “I’m god.”

He was brought back to earth by Humble’s laughter, jarring, like metal grinding against metal. “Please. You’re a lucky little orphan that happened to be born when the church was ready to introduce a new ‘god.’ Don’t let faerie stories about blind nuns seeing again get to your head.”

“Truly,” Diligence chuckled, making a great show of shaking out the sleeves of his robes. His wrists were lined with various bangles and bracelets that chimed like bells as they moved. “God, of course. Tell me boy, what have you been up to since your little escape?”

Slowly Jaehyun opened his eyes, slowly his smile melted into a soft frown. “I saw the world,” he murmured, eyes wandering the room. Sitting there, taking it all in, he could see where much of the congregation’s offerings went. The room was gorgeous, right down to the polished handles on the various doors leading away and into the Cathedral. “I met...so many people. Found a family.” He sat up a bit, huffing out a laugh. “I rode a horse. And milked a cow!”

“It sounds like quite the adventure,” Diligence said, nodding. His smile was indulgent, as if he couldn’t wait to hear about Jaehyun’s grand adventure. Reaching for the goblet next to him, he took a small sip. “But now you’re home, safe and sound. No more silly adventures, no more fantasies of freedom. Just a nice cozy bed and never having to worry about where your next meal will be coming from. That will be nice, won’t it?”

Jaehyun’s stomach turned, going sour at the thought of life just as it was. “May I ask a question? Just one, please. I need to know...how did you know we were planning to leave?”

Humble, who had been hovering the whole time behind Diligence, barked out a laugh. “We didn’t. We had no idea you had designs on sneaking out. It was all a complete accident, really. Every now and then we would let rumour get out among the barracks that you were planning on escaping, to see who would report back to us. So we always knew who our most loyal soldiers were, who could be trusted to strike you down if need be.” He clucked his tongue, shaking his head as he went to gaze onto the balcony to the left of the fire. “Never, in all my years, have any of them ever run to you. It was just our luck.”

“When Kunhang came to you, Gavin and Lavinia came to us. Not only about the rumor we started, but about Kunhang going to warn you. By the time we sent them to intercept you were already out of your room and past the Cathedral walls,” Diligence sighed. “What a mess it all was.”

The fathers looked up to see Johnny and Jaehyun staring in a stunned silence. “It was an accident?” Johnny breathed, eyes wide. “You caught us leaving...completely by coincidence?”

“A miracle, really,” Diligence said, smile sickly sweet. “Now the real work begins, teaching the people to trust you again. Reteaching you to be the god that once you were.”

“What?” Johnny startled so badly he nearly fell off of his chair. “You’re just going to...send us back out, like nothing happened?”

Diligence laughed, hand on his chest. “Oh my dear boy, not you. Just Jaehyun. You’ll be tried publically for kidnapping. We’ll have to think of quite the punishment, we can’t have the public getting the wrong idea. And it will provide us with a neat, tidy little way to convince the people that Jaehyun would never leave them on purpose.” He looked into the distance, humming. “Though the whole veil things is a bit of a problem, we’ll have to think of an excuse for why people aren’t going mad left and right seeing him…”

“Don’t you dare touch him,” Jaehyun shouted, so violent that the cut on his lip reopened and began to bleed anew. “I swear if you lay a hand on him I’ll strike you dead myself!”

Clearly Humble had no interest in hearing Jaehyun’s threats. With three long strides he was back on Jaehyun, striking him with the flogger, baring no mind to his face or any other tender areas he’d always avoided during Jaehyun’s atonements. 

“I’ve had enough of you, you foolish little child,” Humble growled, a thousand times more monstrous than any of the beasts Jaehyun had encountered beyond the wall. “Why couldn’t you just keep your mouth shut and behave? Why couldn’t you make it easy?”

Jaehyun screamed as the leather tails of the flogger struck him again and again, marking his skin with vivid stripes of purple and red. He covered his face with shaking hands, desperate to protect his eyes. Vaguely, he understood Johnny was shouting. He could hear it despite the ringing in his ears, could hear it over his own wailing. But nothing beyond his own pain seemed to register.

“I hate you!” Jaehyun shouted, because this may very well be his last chance to say so. When the flogger caught the shell of his ear he let out a strangled yelp, desperately wishing he could hide his pain just as Johnny always did. To not give them the satisfaction of seeing him cry. But he wasn’t strong like Johnny. He wasn’t clever like Taeyong, or confident like Doyoung. 

He was just a useless god with no real power other than commanding a few birds, and where were they right now? Would Rook even hear if he called out?

Despite his tears, despite the way his voice felt raw and ruined in his throat, Jaehyun pursed his lips and gave a broken whistle. He was met with nothing in return but the sharp cracking sound of the flogger striking down on him again and again.

It lasted for ages, until Humble’s arm grew tired and his chest puffed up with each breath. “I’m not worried about your pretty little face anymore,” he grunted, tossing the flogger to the side. “Let them see what happens to disobedient children.”

For a while all Jaehyun could do was weep on the sheepskin rug, trembling and sobbing and lamenting his weakness. Once his tears subsided he dragged himself up, crawling with stiff, broken movements to Johnny’s feet, collapsing half in his lap and trying to draw whatever strength he could from his warmth.

“I’ll kill him,” Johnny choked, tears in his own eyes. His body curled towards Jaehyun as if he was desperate to cover him, shield him with his body. “I swear Jaehyun I’ll kill him...”

Jaehyun could barely do more than rest his cheek on Johnny’s knee, too stunned from his beating to do anything else. “I can’t breathe,” he whispered, smearing his tear stained cheek across Johnny’s pants. It was like his lungs were bound tight, and no matter how he tried he couldn’t draw a deep enough breath to clear his head. “I can’t...I need air…”

“Oh dear,” Diligence sighed. “Humble, at least help the boy onto the balcony, some cool air will help clear his head.”

Humble looked at Diligence in disbelief, though he rolled his eyes and relented. With unkind hands he hoisted Jaehyun up by the back of his shirt, marching him to the balcony. “Here, breathe,” he snorted, tossing Jaehyun against the balustrade. He stood next to him, arms folded.

The rail was made of the same stone as the rest of the building, nearly freezing to the touch. Jaehyun couldn’t help but press his cheek to the cool smoothness of it, letting the chill pass into his overheated skin, serving in some small way to calm him. It helped. He felt a bit clearer now.

As awareness of his aching body returned, Jaehyun looked over the rail. It was a blessedly long way down.

How easy might it be, he wondered, to simply jump? Johnny wouldn’t survive this, and if Johnny was dead then Jaehyun didn’t want to live either. From here it would be a long drop and then a stone spire to break his fall, and hopefully his neck. Then, even if they didn’t get a happy ending, neither would Humble. Neither would Diligence, sitting smug in his arm chair. 

Jaehyun braced his hands on the cool stone, using it to help himself stand to his full height. The balusters were only as tall as his hips; he could be over them before Humble even realized what he was doing. He could end it so _quickly_. And then, maybe, he and Johnny could be together in whatever came next. Heaven, hell, or something not quite either. 

He was lifting his leg when he heard Johnny call out to him. 

“_Come back, Jaehyun. Please, come back to me. Step away from the edge._”

In confusion he turned back, turned his eyes to Johnny, bound in his chair. Johnny hadn’t spoken, was instead worrying his lip between his teeth, eyes wet and miserable. But Jaehyun could still hear his voice. 

“_Step away, Jaehyun. Come back._”

Jaehyun put his foot back on the floor. Off in the distance he could hear people shouting, chanting and singing and marching to the Cathedral. Somewhere above it, he could hear a crow crying out.

“You’ve said there was no miracle, I was just an orphan,” he murmured, body too sore and too weak to raise is voice any more. “You just chose me randomly?”

“What miracle could there be?” Humble scoffed. “All of those nuns, raving about their Mother Superior gaining her sight back as if there weren’t some perfectly reasonable explanation for it. There’s no such thing as magic, miracles. There are people, and they are foolish, and sometimes they need to be fed stories so they’ll shut up and get in line. You’re not special Jaehyun. You’re really not even that smart.”

Jaehyun let his eyes wander up, searching the heavens. Looking for some sort of sign, some hint from above that things might turn out alright. As he gazed above his lips curled into a smile so different than his normal grin. This smile was beatific. Serene. 

Humble glanced over, frowning. “What are you so happy about?” 

With a harsh scream Rook came diving from the sky like an angel set on vengeance, wings beating at the darkness as he went right for Humble’s eyes. Humble’s shout was more of an alarmed exhalation of air, so stunned that his voice couldn’t seem to find its way out from his chest. Rook’s wicked beak went to work immediately, tearing at the thin skin of Humble’s cheek, aiming for the most tender parts of him. Feathers shook loose, blood scattered along the floor, and Humble finally found his voice. With a great yell he struck out at the bird, clipping the side of its wing and sending it a few feet back. 

Pushing himself to the edge of the balcony, Jaehyun watched as Rook fought as if the bird’s own life depended on it. Just inside he heard Diligence start to cry out, bellowing “Murder! Murder! Oh, he is killing Father Humble!” at the top of his lungs.

Humble, as devious as he was, seemed to have no fear of Rook’s monstrous size or wicked, curved beak. He managed to grab the bird by the wing, grabbling for control and trying to get hold of the other.

“Rook, be careful!” Jaehyun cried out, heart seizing at his companion being struck. With no fear, no mind for the pain he was in or the threat of worse to come, he rushed behind Humble and pushed with all of his might. At first nothing happened. Humble merely hit the balustrade, leaning over but keeping his feet on the ground. His grip on Rook, though, would not cease, and all the bird had to do was jerk roughly backwards, twisting out of Humble’s grasp while dragging him further forward.

Humble tipped over, over, the weight of his muscular arms and broad shoulders bringing him further towards his doom. The last bit of foolish innocence left in Jaehyun almost reached out for him, automatically going to drag him to safety. Before he could he thought of Johnny, of how it was them against the church, and only one side would survive the battle.

With a surety unlike anything he’d ever felt before Jaehyun ducked down, grabbing one of Humble’s feet as they jerked and kicked and struggled for the ground, pulling it up and tipping him over the edge. It was strange, the soft texture of Humble’s robes, the firm heat of his flesh underneath. Such a solid man, and yet he went so easy. Forward, and then down.

How eerily silent it was, watching him fall. His robes swirled, arms spinning as if they might find something to grasp, something to halt his descent. Though he kicked and fought there seemed to be no noise to it, just a stillness as Humble grew smaller and smaller, farther away. And then, with a great, terrible “thump,” Humble hit the spire below.

Jaehyun stared. Watched that little speck below him, watched him crash against the spire and then tumble farther down. And then he was gone.

Snow continued to drift down, almost peaceful. Jaehyun felt a flake land on his cheek, brushed it away. Somewhere behind him, someone shouted.

The world came back to Jaehyun in a rush of noise and sound, feeling returning so rapidly that his hands tingled, as if being pricked by a thousand small needles. Spinning on his feet he rushed back inside to see the room in disarray. Chairs were knocked over, goblets overturned, spilling their contents onto the rug. Close to the fireplace a small stack of papers were precariously close to the flame, with more fluttering down to join them. In the middle of the chaos was Johnny, using the chain between his iron cuffs to strangle Diligence. Somehow he had worked the cuffs to his front, wrapping them tight around Diligence’s wrinkled old neck and pulling tight.

Jaehyun had never seen someone strangled to death before. It took a frightfully long time. First Diligence’s face went red, and then a deeper red, and then a frightening sort of purple. His hands, fingers short and thick and covered in golden rings, scrabbled at the chain, but there was no way he’d ever be able to match Johnny’s strength. Soon he slumped forward, the whites of his eyes gone red and his mouth great and gasping like he was a fish searching for water. He slumped forward, just as dead as Humble.

Johnny stepped away, shooting him one last look of disgust before rushing to Jaehyun. “Love…”

If Jaehyun had any tears left in him he might start to weep all over again, but it seemed he’d gone dry. “Johnny,” he croaked, voice hoarse from so much yelling. “Johnny…”

They met for one brief embrace, though Johnny was quick to pull away. “We’re not out of the woods yet,” he murmured. He began to search the room, though Jaehyun had no idea what for. Across from the fireplace there was a desk covered in letters; Johnny scattered the pages about before giving a triumphant cry, holding up a small, sharp looking letter opener.

“What’s that f-oh my gods, is there anything you can’t do?” Jaehyun asked, even managing a weak laugh as Johnny used to blade of the opener to pick the locks on his shackles. Once his hands were free Johnny rushed to the door, keeping the letter opener in hand.

“Stay with me,” he instructed, grabbing the handle.

“Together. Always,” Jaehyun assured him.

They threw the door open, bracing themselves for Gavin’s attack. Gavin was not there. Jaehyun was filled with a relief unlike anything he’d ever felt, clutching his chest as his heart fluttered and danced.

“He ran,” he said, practically joyous.

“He went for reinforcements,” Johnny warned, offering his hand to Jaehyun before leading him back to the stairs. “With Humble and Diligence dead it would be one on two, he knows better than to take those odds.” They made their way down the same staircase from before, Jaehyun leaning heavily on Johnny for support. His body sang with pain, but he knew better than to complain about it.

“What will we do?” Jaehyun asked breathlessly. Somewhere outside an alarm was sounding; they were calling all of the troops back to the Cathedral.

It took a moment for Johnny to decide on a plan, but once he did he seemed quite confident in it. “Run to the sanctuary. We can leave through the main doors, right into the plaza outside of the Cathedral. You were right about getting the people on your side, we may be able to use them to protect you against the guard. At the very least, we may be able to disappear into the crowd.”

They took the secret passages and hidden hallways they’d known so well growing up, ducking behind paintings and moving old bookcases to disappear from one room to another. Jaehyun felt quite hysterical, dizzy as they ran from place to place, like spectres disappearing through walls just to turn up somewhere else entirely. 

“Maybe we can just live in the walls of the Cathedral,” he said frantically, an ache in his ribs suggesting that one or two might be broken. “Like mice. Mice seem just fine, I’m sure we’d grow to love it!”

“It’s now or never Jaehyunnie,” Johnny choked, leading him through the old library and into a passage underneath an old statue of Yeeun of the Shaken Earth. They climbed down a ladder before hopping into a tunnel floored with packed dirt. “Let’s be free together, or let’s go down fighting.”

Jaehyun nodded, swallowing hard. “Now or never,” he repeated.

By the time they made it to the sanctuary the sun had begun to rise, cascading through the old stained glass windows and painting the world in hazy, early morning pastels. They crept out of the tapestry behind the Rosewood Throne, stepping onto the raised platform it sat on and making for the steps down into the pews.

“Here! They’re in here! Bring help!”

Jaehyun gasped, looking up to see a cluster of soldiers standing in the giant entranceway. At the head was Gavin, a look of vicious hatred twisting what could very well be perfectly handsome features. The stained glass window painted them in beautiful colours, reflecting in their armour, painting their terrible world in vivid pinks and greens and lavenders. Beautiful, but terrible. And coming directly for them.

Johnny and Jaehyun took a sharp left and started to make for another exit just in time for more guards to block them off there as well. Before Johnny could even think to suggest returning to the passage behind them arrows were drawn, and they were well and truly pinned.

It was over.

Jaehyun could feel the tears running down his face, gliding gently over the bruises and dried blood decorating his peach-pale skin. This was it. For months now they’d been careening towards this end like shooting stars, beautiful and bright but not long of this world. With a crooked smile he reached out, taking Johnny’s hand. “I’m not scared, Johnny.”

Johnny had tears in his own eyes, threatening to spill but somehow instead clinging to his lashes and shimmering like diamonds. “Jaehyunnie…”

Jaehyun laughed softly, a small hiccup escaping his throat. “No, it’s okay. We did our best, right? We tried. And I got to love you, and be loved by you, and that’s...that was worth it. All of it.” He lifted Johnny’s hand, brushing his split lip ever so gently against his knuckles. “I’m honored to die by your side, Johnny.”

There was a soft, choking sob, though Jaehyun was surprised that it hadn’t come from his own throat. The tears had finally fallen from Johnny’s eyes, dripping over his sharp cheekbones and down along his jaw. “Jaehyun. I’m sorry I couldn’t free you...I tried so hard…”

“Hush. None of that,” Jaehyun murmured, wiping Johnny’s tears away with his fingertips. “To have you as mine...even for just a moment...was enough.”

Leaning forward, he captured Johnny’s mouth in what he knew would be the last kiss they would ever share. Johnny’s lips were damp from his tears but so very familiar, one of the only homes he’d ever known. As they kissed Jaehyun could hear the thunder of footsteps flooding into the sanctuary as more and more guards came, the ring of steel as swords were pulled from scabbards all around them. He pulled away, whispering a soft “I love you” before opening his eyes and turning to face the full wrath of the church army head on.

“Alright,” he called, wondering at how his voice could sound so commanding as his legs trembled and threatened to give out underneath him. “Alright. Do what you have to.”

For a moment the world seemed to freeze. Standing before the Rosewood Throne was the Living God himself, hand in hand with his Cavalier, watching as the men and women sworn to uphold his word crept closer and closer with Ser Gavin in the lead. In a strange sort of slow motion he could see his life playing out before his eyes as if he was living it all over again. The kind, smiling eyes of Sister Clarity, Johnny’s childish voice calling out to him for the first time. The joyful faces of the poor as he was paraded through low town. All of the friends he’d made, the family he’d collected as he traveled beyond the walls. Taeil and Donghyuck, the first kindness shown to them beyond as they ran for their lives. Doyoung and the Profane, the knowledge that the world wasn’t as it seemed and that friends could be hidden in all sorts of strange places. Taeyong and Yuta - their _family_.

And there, through it all, was Johnny.

“I’m ready, I think,” Jaehyun whispered, taking a deep breath, gaze steady. “I’m so very tired.”

Time caught up to itself. The guards were no longer creeping close like hunters approaching a sleeping animal, they were running down the aisles with their weapons held high. Gavin had pulled ahead of the others, so very close now, clearing the front row of pews and crossing the gap between the seats and the dias.

Just when Jaehyun braced for impact an arrow flew from nowhere, signaled by a sharp whistle and a dull, wet thud as it found a break in the Gavin’s armor at the top of his thigh. The impact threw the soldier to the ground, where another arrow pierced clean through his neck. Blood pooled underneath him like wine from Diligence’s cup, the same ruby red, but so much thicker as it soaked into the floor below. Gavin died with his eyes wide, eyes sightless as they stared toward the heavens.

“Alright then, who’s next?” called a bored sounding voice from above.

Jaehyun whirled around, turning his gaze to the catwalks above the sanctuary. They were used for maintenance, cleaning windows and repairing the intricate carvings on the ceilings, nothing Jaehyun had ever had to concern himself with. Now they held a host of bodies with bows and arrows in hand, led by Doyoung in the centre with a bored looking Renjun aiming an arrow beside him.

They looked no worse for wear, not a stain upon them. Jaehyun could only guess that calling the guards back to the Cathedral had given them ample time to sneak in without any eyes turned in their direction. Doyoung himself held a dagger in each hand, hair pulled to a knot to keep it out of his eyes. 

“Doyoung,” Jaehyun called, his grip on Johnny tightening. “You’re...you’re here!”

“Can’t let you have all the fun,” Jaemin called down, and even from so many feet below Jaehyun could see the lazy grin on his face. “Really, it’s sort of rude that you didn’t invite us to the party.”

There was a crash from somewhere outside, followed by another host of bodies flooding in behind the soldiers staring them down. At their lead was Yuta, and on either side of him…

“Kun, Kunhang,” Jaehyun breathed, taking a step forward. It was only Johnny’s hand gripping his wrist and pulling him back that kept him from running wildly into the mob of soldiers still standing between them. 

“Your Grace!” Kunhang called, a bright smile on his face as he waved his arm frantically from the other side of their enemies. He looked thin; they both did, thin and dirty and wearing nothing more than rags. But they held their swords with pride, leading a host of soldiers behind them. 

“We’ve brought a gift, Your Grace,” Kun called, his usual austerity tempered by his joy at seeing the battle turning in their favour. “True servants of the Rosewood Throne, the soldiers that wouldn’t take up arms against their Almighty.” He walked with a limp but commanded the room just as he always had, ordering the men behind him to take their places around the room, surround the enemy.

Doyoung looked like an avenging angel above them, gaze imperious as he gazed down at the soldiers below. “We have you outnumbered. Drop your weapons.” 

And miraculously, they did.

One by one swords clattered to the ground, raising a great din as metal struck stone. Just as weapons were lowered to the ground so too were the Profane, casting great sturdy ropes from the catwalks and sliding down until their feet touched solid ground. Doyoung turned to Jaehyun, smirking. “Thought you might need a hand.”

“I’m really resisting the urge to hug you right now,” Jaehyun choked, wiping his eyes.

“Ugh, please don’t,” Doyoung scoffed, making a face. When Jeno shot forward to hug Jaehyun he made a great deal of rolling his eyes, as if they couldn’t see his smile. “You know I’m only here to pull all of the gold off the walls to melt down for later.”

Jaehyun have a soft cry at the sudden embrace. The Profane may not wear the same heavy armor at the guard, but any touch seemed to set Jaehyun’s skin burning. Humble had beaten him badly, just the act of standing on his own two feet felt like a heavy burden.

And then Yuta was on them, crashing into Johnny and laughing with unbridled joy. He barely noticed Jaehyun’s soft cry of pain. _What are you doing here? How did you know?_

Once Johnny had translated Doyoung snorted, folding his arms. “You should be grateful you married a man with brains,” he said loftily. “The moment you left Taeyong came for us, said you were moving in on the church and you might need a hand. We figured it was the opportunity we needed. For change.”

“Change,” Jaehyun said, practically sighed, letting the word flutter past his lips like a prayer. 

_Taeyong_, Yuta signed with much the same look on his face.

It took some time to gather up the soldiers that Gavin had led against them, even longer to convince Jaehyun that the cells were the only safe place to hold them until a better plan could be made. He didn’t want to be the jailer the fathers had been, but they had little choice. Once they were locked away and Jungwoo had tended to Jaehyun’s various wounds they limped out of the Cathedral, passing through the vestibule and out onto the steps that would lead down into Cathedral Square.

Immediately they were met by a wall of sound.

The square was filled with people, hundreds upon hundreds of eager, anxious faces waiting for a glimpse of their God, returned at last. For once Ardent’s poor had refused to be pushed to the back; right at the bottom step, watching and waiting with hopeful faces, was a row of teenagers in ragged looking clothing, some of whom sported bright red peonies, pinned to their shirts. Surrounding them was a sea of inexpensive clothing and gaunt faces, but each face radiated hope as they tried to pick out their Messiah among the group. 

Some threw flowers, some threw fruit. Jaehyun saw a familiar smudge of black careening threw the sky, which meant Rook was looking for the tastiest offerings for himself.

Jisung broke away from that ragged group of kids, rushing up to Jaehyun. For a moment it looked like half the crowd may follow. Kun sprang into action, directing his men to hold the line and keep Jaehyun safe.

“You did it,” Jisung said eagerly, reaching for Jaehyun’s hands. For a moment he paused, as if thinking better of it; Jaehyun quickly closed the distance between them, pulling him into a tight embrace. Neither had been hugged very much in their lives; both melted into the embrace like they’d been waiting for it for years.

“_You_ did it,” Jaehyun said, words laced with awe. “Look at all these people. Look at what you’ve accomplished!”

Jisung blushed, ducking his head down at the praise. “It wasn’t just me. I got help from some of the boys I run with. My friend Chenle has a big mouth, he woke up half of the city on his own with his shouting, I reckon.”

As he spoke to Jisung, Jaehyun could hear a rush of excitement ripple through the crowd. “They’ve just realized it’s you,” Johnny murmured, placing his hand on the small of Jaehyun’s back. “They’ve never seen you without your veil before.” With steady hands he led Jaehyun to the centre of the steps, where all of Ardent could get a proper look at him. The crowd fell silent.

“Well?” Johnny said, offering what was undoubtedly his first property grin since leaving for Ardent. “Are you ready to speak to your people?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't like a neat, tidy Harry Potter type of epilogue, you're totally welcome to stop reading here. Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming on this journey with me.


	20. Epilogue

“They say a god lives in this forest.”

The traveler stood in the doorway as rain obscured the world beyond him, the occasional crash of lightning sparking across the sky above. It was only midday, yet the sky was as dark and hazy as if the sun has set long ago. His cloak was black and sodden, hood pulled so far down that his features could barely be seen.

“They say that he’s a benevolent god. He watches for wanderers lost in the wood, leaves them gifts of food and comfort and sets them in the right direction. The monsters hiding in the shadows all bow to him, you know. Where they’d snatch you or I up in their teeth without a second though, well...they’re his children, aren’t they? Born of the pit, motherless and cruel. And as kind as he is, if you cross him he’ll toss you right off a balcony.”

Jaehyun rolled his eyes, arms folded as he resisted the urge to tap his foot. “Jeno, will you shut up and come inside? You’re letting the storm in.”

Clearly quite pleased with his little joke, Jeno stepped into the house and kicked the door shut behind him. He dropped his pack on the floor, immediately heading for the fire so the heat could dry him off. Puddles of water were left in his wake, collecting on the floor in a trail behind him. “Doyoung sends his regards, says he looks forward to seeing you in the summer.”

Jaehyun smiled, fetching Jeno a cup of ale to better warm him. “It will be nice to see him, though I’m not sure I’m ready to leave home for two weeks. The field out back is perfect for tilling right now, Johnny will hate to leave it behind.”

“That’s what you have a farmboy for,” Jeno pointed out, thanking him for the drink and taking a gulping mouthful. He rested it aside to work himself out of his boots, setting them closer to the fire to dry.

“His name is Jisung, which you well know,” Jaehyun said sternly. “Stop calling him our ‘farmboy.’”

In that strange and funny way that time seemed to move, it had already been a year and some months since their return to Ardent. At first they’d struggled to find peace, a new way of life that would work for not only Jaehyun, but for the people as well. His first, strongest desire had been to cut all ties. To have it his way he would have set the church aflame, leave it burning and never look back.

Surprisingly, it had been Doyoung who had preached the need of the church, of a familiar way of life to give the citizens of Ardent hope during such a time of change. As the Profane - a name Jaehyun dearly hoped they’d soon change - worked to provide some sort of stability and governance, Doyoung had tried to coax Jaehyun into sticking around, being the voice they heard every Sunday as they continued to gather in the Cathedral, looking for comfort. Jaehyun declined. The idea of staying in that Cathedral for one moment more brought tears to his eyes, and Johnny and Jeno had stepped in to mediate.

It took hours of debate, but they found a middle ground. A few weeks here and there throughout the month where Jaehyun would come back, speak to the people, let them know they were still loved by their Almighty. While there was no more hidden god locked away in a tower, there was a simple farmer out beyond the walls who would come back every now and then to talk about love and kindness, his devoted (and somewhat terrifying) husband always at his side. And if that god didn’t think he was a god at all? Well, that would be his burden to bear.

Everything was changing faster than Jaehyun could keep up with. Doyoung had worked closely with Kun to create a militia to serve the people rather than suppress them, sending squadrons beyond the wall to protect the cities and towns that Ardent had all but forgotten. Offerings were taken for the people, rather than for a small group of men who thought they were too good to have to share the wealth. The Cathedral itself had been split into sections, some of it an orphanage, some of it a new convent for the Sisters of the Miraculous Vision. Jaehyun had made that request himself; he had no real way to thank Sister Clarity for all she had ever done for him, the least he could do was get her chapter of the Sisterhood out of their crumbling building in low town. 

Gone were the days of punishments and penance. No longer did families have to pledge their every last penny to win favour from the church. For Jaehyun, even if he they managed to accomplish nothing else, that would be enough.

“Where’s Johnny? I’m surprised he left you here alone, he tends to hover,” Jeno pointed out, resting his elbows on his knees. He was dressed in finer clothes than Jaehyun was used to seeing him in, wearing a neat black tunic buttoned to his throat. That had apparently been Doyoung’s doing as well; if the Profane were going to be a proper governing body they would need to dress the part.

Jaehyun couldn’t help but laugh. “Look who’s talking, ever since you and Doyoung figured your nonsense out you barely let him out of your sight.”

Their conversation was interrupted by the door swinging open once more, a sodden Johnny, Taeyong and Yuta shuffling in. Johnny and Taeyong looked fairly miserable, but Yuta wore his same “I don’t have a care in the world” grin. In their hands were cluster of herbs and ingredients that Taeyong had dragged them out to find, and they left the same puddles of water that Jeno had trailed in just a while before.

“You’re all a bunch of animals,” Jaehyun lamented. “I just washed the floor.” 

“And you did a fantastic job of it,” Johnny teased, setting down his armful of various plants. He walked over, sweeping Jaehyun into his arms and kissing all over his face despite Jaehyun’s loud protests. He held Jaehyun until he was just as wet as the rest of them before putting him down, turning to grin at Jeno.

“Who let you in? I specifically told Jaehyun’s birds that you weren’t to get past the treeline,” he teased, stripping himself out of the layers until he was in nothing more than his trousers. “Also, aren’t you supposed to be hovering over Doyoung or something? What are you doing here?”

Taeyong stripped down just as Johnny had, waiting until Yuta did the same to take all their wet things and lay them by the fire. “Let me guess; someone’s hurt and you need me to leave home for three weeks to tend to them?”

“No, not this time,” Jeno laughed. “I come with gifts, we cleaned out Jaehyun’s old room. There wasn’t much to it, but I gathered some of the books I found and decided to pay you a visit.” As he spoke he opened his pack, pulling out parcels carefully wrapped in some sort of beeswax-soaked cloth. He carefully peeled the wrapping back, passing them to Jaehyun.

“Oh,” Jaehyun breathed, running his fingers over the cover of the topmost book. It was an old collection of fairytales, one he’d loved dearly. The leather was cracked and worn, the pages faded, yet Jaehyun held it like it was the most delicate treasure. “Oh Jeno, thank you. This is incredible.”

As they all dried off they caught up to the best of their abilities. Johnny caught Jeno up on life in their own little farmhouse, the one just across the field from Yuta and Taeyong. Jaehyun spoke of Taeil and Donghyuck, how he and Johnny hoped to visit them on their way to Ardent when next they traveled, convince Taeil to take up a permanent position at the Cathedral. Yuta and Taeyong boasted about how well Jisung had taken to farm life (and Jaehyun teased them over how they’d all but adopted the boy, snatching his personal street urchin away and raising them as their son). 

For his part Jeno regaled them with stories about how now Renjun and Jaemin were the ones dancing around each other, though Renjun would never admit it. When teased enough he ducked his blushing face and talked about his time with Doyoung, how well they worked together putting Ardent’s pieces back together, and how well they worked together in every other aspect of life as well.

“Your Sister Clarity sends her regards, as well,” Jeno said, smiling at Jaehyun’s soft gasp. “Says she expects you to pay your poor old nanny a visit next time you’re in the city.”

“Oh, I will,” Jaehyun promised. “The very first thing. I promise.”

Jeno stayed long enough to share an early supper with them, continuing to chat and tell stories all through their meal. After, when they begged him to stay the night and leave in the morning, he politely declined.

“There’s too much to be done,” he said with a smile, collecting his mostly-dry cloak and boots. The rain had let up a bit, though it wouldn’t take much time for them to be soaked through all over again. “It was nice to see you, even if it was only for an evening…” He graciously took the offers of food and an extra cloak thrust upon him, giving a short bow before disappearing into the night.

Yuta and Taeyong left a while after, though not before Yuta and Johnny had put together a detailed plan on how they would approach their tilling the next day. When the fire was all but embers Jaehyun rushed them out, sending them with a bowl of supper for Jisung and latching the door carefully behind them.

As Johnny cleaned up Jaehyun let himself look at the books Jeno had returned to him, studying them by the light of a lone candle on his desk. He lovingly caressed their covers, carefully spreading them open and running his fingertips over the pages as if they held some ancient magic his might be able to draw right out of the ink. Jeno had been careful; not a bit of rainwater had made its way past their bindings. With a small smile he picked up the last book, turning to a page he must have marked ages ago.

Something small and white fell out of the book, fluttering to the ground. Jaehyun raised an eyebrow, ducking to recover it from the floor.

There, laying on the wood he’d scrubbed that very afternoon in a home so far from the torments of Ardent, was the snowdrop Johnny had given him. It was still pristine, paper thin and beautiful, just as he’d remembered it. Jaehyun all but whimpered, carefully pressing it to his lips.

They’d come so far. They’d changed so much.

Before he could get too swept up in his emotion Johnny crept up behind him, wrapping strong arms around his waist. He hooked his chin over Jaehyun’s shoulder, pressing a kiss to his jaw. 

“Come to bed. I’m still cold from the rain, I need you to warm me,” Johnny whispered, breath ghosting over Jaehyun’s neck. “Wouldn’t want me to catch a cold, would you?”

Jaehyun laughed, quickly putting the snowdrop back in the book and setting it aside. “Of course not. Let me help, you poor thing.” He suddenly found himself upended, laughing as Johnny carried him, bridal style, to the bedroom.

There would be time for tears and memories later, when he could hold the flower in his hands, kiss its paper-thin petals and dwell on the past.

Right now he wanted to live in the present. He wanted to be here, in this moment, where he had safety, a husband, and a home. A family beyond the two of them, people they could trust without doubt or deception. The knowledge that in the morning this would all still be here, and he would be just as happy tomorrow as he was today.

As Johnny turned sideways to get them through the bedroom door Jaehyun smiled, kicking the door shut behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I see why people call these things a labour of love.
> 
> I've been writing this story for the better half of a year, starting when I discovered a cool new videogame I really liked that got me thinking of religious imagery and what it might be like if God was a person just kicking around with you in real time. Immediately this story dug under my skin and wouldn't let go. I planned, I changed things, I planned some more, I plotted, and I wrote. A lot. Two-thirds of the way through I got depressed, got busy at work, got wrapped up in real life, and took a break. But you amazing people were patient and waited for me to come back, waited for the rest of Jaehyun's story.
> 
> I'm honestly so proud of what I've done here. Proud enough that I'm debating turning this into a proper book, seeing what might happen if I try to get published. And that's because you all supported me, made me feel like I could actually do this.
> 
> I've had some amazing support along the way. My beautiful wife Casey is my biggest fan and has cheered me on the entire way. Dia and Any have been a cheer squad through the whole process, gassing me up as an author. Amazing friends like Mon, Kiya, Anne, and so many more have made our corner of the fandom a healthy, happy place to be.
> 
> I hope this story made you happy. I hope you're glad everyone got a good ending, because I am NOT the person to kill of characters. Believe me, I was laughing any time y'all mentioned you were worried about people dying. Not in my house, pal. Our gays live and they get married and live happily every after.
> 
> Seriously, thanks. You're awesome.

**Author's Note:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/alleywhomst) || [cc](https://curiouscat.me/alleywhomst)


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